First appearance: S2 Ep19, Battle for the Crown Round 2 - Team Grandmaster (Cosmonius & Locket) v Team Arbiter (Silky Slim & Baron Voltágè) · watch it on YouTube
The Kraken is a colossal tentacled monster with row upon row of teeth, and the Void’s arenas keep finding water deep enough to hide her. She first burst out of a still underground lake in the middle of the Battle for the Crown. She surfaced again in the open sea during the second Gauntlet, where she was hailed as “ruler of the ocean.” Nobody has managed to properly kill her. Most champions who meet her are just trying to get past.
Story
Battle for the Crown Round 2
During the second round of the Battle for the Crown, the fight between Cosmonius and Locket for the Grandmaster and Silky Slim and Baron Voltágè for the Arbiter broke through into a hidden lake beneath the arena. The Kraken’s head surfaced: hundreds of teeth, row after row, and black beady eyes glowing in the moonlight, while her tentacles beat the ground. The downed Baron played dead convincingly enough to be spared. Cosmonius, a horse-bodied fighter with a great love for his own hair, hopped dressage-style across the jutting rocks and thanked the Grandmaster for “the opportunity to train.”
Cosmonius soon decided that the thing cracking the stonework had to be dealt with. “What can be more heroic than fighting a fucking Kraken?” he asked, and he launched himself at her face, kicking and punching with all six limbs. One perfect hoof strike and a flurry of blows made the Kraken cry out, a sound nobody had ever heard before. The Grandmaster noted that it sounded much better underwater. He kept trying to stun the monster, knowing it was hopeless, and managed to leave one tentacle numb and limp. “He’s not the smartest… but he’s brave,” came one assessment. The Grandmaster’s reply: “It’s easy to be brave when you’re stupid.”
Locket jumped down the hole after him and landed in a heap. She looked at the Kraken, decided it was probably part of the match, and spent her whole turn eating goodberries while her partner panicked. Cosmonius added a new name to his list: “the Kraken Combatant.” The Kraken lashed him with a tentacle and then called down a lightning storm (“How Voltage of it,” said the Grandmaster). Cosmonius slipped through it, soaked up the lightning and channelled it back into his own blows.
His luck ran out moments later. After a spectacular fumble (“It had to regress to the mean”), the Kraken grabbed Cosmonius and flung him at Locket, hurting them both badly and slamming her to the ground. “As we’ve all learned,” observed the Grandmaster, “horses are really good weapons.” The Grandmaster then drifted down through one of the holes and, with a wave, sent the Kraken back deep underwater. The victors rose on pedestals to her throne.
The Gauntlet 2
In The Gauntlet 2, Floyd of the Pink and Luci raced Hurdey and Gurdi by boat towards an island. Near the shore the water rippled and giant tentacles burst up around the boats. Ten of them blocked the way. Harpoon guns on the decks let the champions spear the tentacles and reel them in. Gurdi’s butt popped out of the backpack and he fired a volley of flaming eggs that burst into big flaming yolks. The Kraken roared, and the Arbiter asked not to hear any complaints the next time he made dragon sounds.
Floyd tried diplomacy of a sort. Standing at the prow, he prayed: “Lord of all tentacles, hear my prayers… And in so, I speak the great word, boo-woo. Boo-woo.” The prayer failed, and the Kraken turned her unhappy gaze directly on his ship. “She’s no lord, but ruler of the ocean.” She reared up and slammed her tentacles down on both ships. Gurdi dodged and shielded himself and his bear, while the others took heavy hits.
Luci found a way past. She leapt off a plank at the prow, arced about twenty feet through the air and landed walking on the water. A tentacle slapped down beside her and missed, looking for all the world “like it’s playing in the water.” Floyd, left alone on a burning boat, teleported to the island. He then tried to whip up the winds and drive “Hurdle and Gurdle” down into the Kraken’s waters, but Hurdey (“My name is Hurdy Gurdy and you’re not going to do shit”) cancelled the spell outright. The Kraken’s fate after the race was not shown.
Personality and Abilities
The Kraken is enormous and toothy. She has hundreds of teeth in rows, black beady eyes that glow in moonlight and at least ten tentacles, which she spaces out to wall off open water. She fights by lashing, grabbing and slamming. She can slam down on two ships at once, and she will happily throw one champion at another. She can also call up a lightning storm. Her cry is rarely heard and travels best underwater. She does not take kindly to flaming eggs or to being prayed at with the wrong title. Rough handling, a numbed tentacle and a lot of explosive yolk have not stopped her, and the only thing that has truly sent her away is the Grandmaster’s wave of the hand.
Relationships
- Cosmonius: Picked a fight with her face, numbed one of her tentacles, and was thrown at his own partner for it. He added her to his list as “the Kraken Combatant.”
- Locket: Snacked through her arrival, then got hit with a flying Cosmonius.
- Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer: Sent her back into the deep with a wave.
- Floyd of the Pink: Prayed to her as “Lord of all tentacles” and got her full, unhappy attention.
- Gurdi: Pelted her with flaming eggs.
- Luci: Slipped past her tentacles across the water.
Memorable Quotes
- Cosmonius: “What can be more heroic than fighting a fucking Kraken?” (S2 Ep19, Battle for the Crown Round 2)
- Cosmonius: “Grandmaster, you seem to have a pest problem. I’m dealing with it for you.” (S2 Ep19, Battle for the Crown Round 2)
- The Grandmaster: “It’s easy to be brave when you’re stupid.” (S2 Ep19, Battle for the Crown Round 2)
- The Grandmaster: “As we’ve all learned, horses are really good weapons.” (S2 Ep19, Battle for the Crown Round 2)
- Floyd of the Pink: “Lord of all tentacles, hear my prayers.” (S3E8, The Gauntlet 2)
- “She’s no lord, but ruler of the ocean.” (S3E8, The Gauntlet 2)