First appearance: S3E8, The Gauntlet 2 - Floyd of the Pink & Luci v Hurdey & Gurdi · watch it on YouTube
Floyd of the Pink is the devoted, hat-tipping servant of the satyr Luci. He partnered with her in the Grandmaster’s second Gauntlet, a handcrafted treasure hunt across a tavern, a Kraken-infested sea and a graveyard island. A man of deep loyalty, deeper “m’lady”s and an alarming family tree, Floyd sacrificed his beloved anime body pillow and one nipple along the way. He was one of only two champions still breathing when the chest finally opened in S3E8, The Gauntlet 2 - Floyd of the Pink & Luci v Hurdey & Gurdi.
Story
Floyd came through the Arbiter’s portal in a haze of fog and laser lights and immediately demanded that everyone honor his mistress. “Fools! Are you not aware of the greatness of Great Mistress Luci? For she has found me on street corners for no more than fifty pence.” The Grandmaster admired his choice of color, so a goblin glued a shimmering pink satin cape to his shoulders. When he fell to his knees, tipped a hat he wasn’t wearing and whispered “m’lady,” the Arbiter warned the Grandmaster that they had “another m’ladyer.” As fair warning to all, the goblins also crowned him with a glittery fedora stacked three high. It weighed about ten pounds and grew heavier with every “m’lady” he said.
The Gauntlet opened in a tavern with a game of Flippy Cup against the bear Hurdey and his bird partner Gurdi. Luci drank and Floyd flipped (“I will flip for you, my lady, like I do on a regular basis”). His perfect final flip sent a waterfall of spilled drinks onto the rival table, and the soaked opponents fumbled their last cup. When Gurdi “sneezed” a burst of flame at their treasure map, Floyd patted him on the back, said “Gesundheit,” and hit him with a blast of frost: “Allergies are horrible this time of year.” Outside, a chaos event turned every weapon into its owner’s pillow. Floyd’s scimitar became his favorite bedtime body pillow, decorated with a big-eyed, cat-eared anime girl, and his face went very red.
At the storm-wrecked docks, a horde of helmeted, knife-wielding seagulls attacked everyone except Floyd. He stared them down, and they lined up like a choir and bowed to him; he explained that his stepfather was a seagull. Later, a giant golden butterfly gave him butterfly kisses, which prompted the Grandmaster to ask whether his dad had been a butterfly. (“It was complicated. My mother was… friendly. Very friendly, apparently.”) Right after, he called on his “Brothers” against Hurdey and Gurdi, though the bird dodged for both of them. After Hurdey stole their ship, Floyd let Luci walk across the water to the other one, then grew a kelp forest under the rivals’ hull to trap them. His prayer to the Kraken, whom he addressed as “Lord of all tentacles,” ended with the sacred word “boo-woo.” It failed, and the Kraken turned her unhappy gaze on his boat. Gurdi then set his sails ablaze, and Floyd was left alone on a burning ship. He slipped through hidden paths to the island and tried to blow “Hurdle and Gurdle” into the Kraken’s waters, but Hurdey stopped the spell cold.
On the island, Floyd and Luci sang the riddle’s required duet, “Oh, say can you see?”, swaying arm in arm. The final clue demanded that each team “give the heart of your ally,” and Luci read that as Floyd’s body pillow. “If mistress wants this, then mistress wants this,” he said, as a single anime tear rolled down his cheek. She burned it on a pillar, and nothing happened. Enraged at losing his waifu, Floyd seized the wrist of a risen minotaur skeleton and withered its bones with a wounding touch. He also enlarged two sandworms, which mostly tickled the minotaur. Gurdi burned Hurdey’s heart to claim the prize, and Floyd tried to foster the baby mimic guarding the chest, first feeding it one of Hurdey’s feet and then, when the Acolytes screamed “breastfeed it,” offering it his bare chest: “I will suckle it to my bosom.” It bit off his nipple. Luci’s smite knocked Gurdi into the big mimic’s mouth, where he was chomped and torn apart, but one of his wings snapped off and touched the gold as he died. The Grandmaster declared that Gurdi had technically won, but the treasure inside the chest would not belong to him. Floyd and Luci walked away alive, and the chest held a golden body pillow with adorable ears and a wraparound tail. Floyd claimed it on the spot.
“Something, something, the friends we’ve won along the way bullshit. Body pillow’s mine.”
Personality and Abilities
Floyd stands roughly five foot nine and a half, with a beard and no shirt. His glued-on pink cape and towering glitter fedora were gifts from the Grandmaster, though the fedora was really a punishment. It started at ten pounds, and by the end Floyd claimed it was “16 pounds tall,” insisting that “no fedora could ever hold me down.” He speaks in a florid, faintly archaic style (“So said Floyd of the Pinketh”) and lives to serve his mistress, whom he calls “my lady,” “mistress” and “Great Mistress Luci.” Luci mostly responds with smirks and pushes his face out of the way.
In a fight, Floyd leaned on nature magic and animal charm more than his scimitar. He chilled foes with frost, tried to freeze them in place, walked on water, grew kelp, stepped through hidden paths, called up winds, enlarged insects and delivered withering touches. Animals warmed to him easily, from the knife seagulls to the golden butterfly. The exception was the mimic, which concluded that “food comes from you.”
Relationships
- Luci: His mistress, who found him on street corners for no more than fifty pence and taught him everything she knows. She also burned his body pillow.
- Hurdey: A rival who stole his ship and blocked his best spell, and whose foot Floyd later fed to a baby mimic.
- Gurdi: A rival bird whom Floyd frostbit over “allergies,” and who set Floyd’s sails on fire.
- The Grandmaster: She gave him his pink cape and his ever-heavier fedora, and advised him not to “shove your nipple in random animals’ faces.”
- The Arbiter: He identified Floyd as “another m’ladyer” on arrival.
- The knife seagulls: They bowed to him as kin and fought at his request.
Memorable Quotes
- “For she has found me on street corners for no more than fifty pence.” (S3E8, The Gauntlet 2)
- “My stepfather was a seagull.” (S3E8, The Gauntlet 2)
- “Lord of all tentacles, hear my prayers… And in so, I speak the great word, boo-woo. Boo-woo.” (S3E8, The Gauntlet 2)
- “If mistress wants this, then mistress wants this.” (S3E8, The Gauntlet 2)
- “My nipple is gone! I needed that nipple!… This is what I get, Acolytes, for trying to spread my love.” (S3E8, The Gauntlet 2)