S1E6 — Belly of the Beast — Viago v Tetra

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A hulking, shirtless barbarian who turns into a dire wolf met a small, quick tabaxi monk who hates dogs, at the bottom of the ocean, inside a ship that is also alive. Viago and Tetra Kincaid traded astral claws, a metal chair, a bouncy castle and an oddly tender suplex as the fight moved from the ballroom of The Siren’s Nautilus down into its acid-soaked stomach. After all the spectacle, the match ended with one ordinary kick.

The Story

Rock, Paper, Scissors

The episode opened in the Grandmaster’s subterranean castle. She sat on her throne playing rock, paper, scissors against a line of her goblins. She was losing until she glared at them, and the goblins quietly changed their hands so that she won. “I win every time,” she announced. “No one ever beats me at this. I’m the best there is in this entire fortress.” One goblin hung his head and walked to the back of the line so she could beat him again. She explained the strategy: “You have to know who your opponent is.”

The Arbiter claimed he was “merely an observer to your glorious rock-paper-scissors technique,” and was promptly summoned to her feet to play. When she accused him of being two and a half seconds slow, he blamed “video delay.” She didn’t accept that, so he offered to play with his eyes closed and then simply declared, “You win, Grandmaster.”

He had come with news: “It is time for some people to die.” The Grandmaster had thought it was laundry day. The Arbiter explained that laundry day was tomorrow, after the Deathmatch, “just in case there’s any blood on the clothing.” She warned him that if he claimed again that his champions came from “the 7-Eleven or TGI Fridays,” she would be upset.

Two Statues Unveiled

This time the Arbiter skipped the portal. Two figures stood under decorative sheets like statues, and he tore the sheets away with a flourish: “Grandmaster, I give you Viago and Tetra.”

Viago was a seven-foot-tall bruiser in black pants with no shirt, a skull helmet and some truly unfortunate teeth. He promised to shed blood in her honor “with a lot of rage,” then threw up a rock sign: “This is too much rock and roll for one hand.” The Arbiter said he had found Viago in “the wilderness” and insisted it was a real and very small place. The Grandmaster told him that was “not lazy at all.”

Tetra Kincaid was a white-furred tabaxi with a heavy accent and no patience for theatrics. “I don’t need to do all the yelling and all of the bones. Disgusting,” she said. “I like to just keep it simple and murder.” She topped it off with “Anything for someone so beautiful as you, my dear,” and the Grandmaster immediately picked her favorite: “The flattery will get you everywhere… especially here in this court.” The Arbiter had found Tetra in “the most foul, gut-wrenching, blood-infested place you could imagine.” The Grandmaster guessed McDonald’s. It was the parking lot outside of Disney.

Each champion then had to play rock, paper, scissors against the Grandmaster. Viago lost and was praised for knowing his place. Tetra matched her hand exactly. The Arbiter opened a green-and-purple portal.

The Siren’s Nautilus

The champions arrived in the ballroom of a sunken ship, inside an air bubble the Grandmaster had made for them. The floor was luminescent purple tile edged with pearls, it was electrified like a jellyfish, and it was dotted with puddles. Then the walls began to breathe. “This ship is a living being that you are inside of,” the Grandmaster said, “my precious beast. I use it to scour the seas and claim whatever happens to fall to its death.” She left them with a warning: “Be careful. This ship may bite back.”

She rose through a ceiling that rippled like water. Above it The Acolytes circled in something like a SeaWorld tank and looked down as if through a glass-bottomed boat. “Win their hearts and you might make it out alive.” The two champions started nose to nose, and the Acolytes threw their support behind Viago first. “I knew he would need a leg up,” Tetra sniffed.

Cat Versus Dog

Viago raged and became a dire wolf. “Cat versus dog,” the Grandmaster observed. “That was not intentional,” said Viago. Tetra answered with enormous glowing astral arms around her own, and they struck the wolf as they appeared. “I love killing these stupid canines,” she said, then landed a perfect claw strike. Afterward she picked his hairs out of her claws. The crowd rallied behind her as well.

The wolf’s bites barely troubled her. Tetra pulled a quarterstaff from behind her head and swatted him on the nose: “You’ve been a bad boy.” The Grandmaster mused, “I’ve lived many lives,” when Tetra wondered whether she had once been a cat. When Tetra fumbled a flurry, the Grandmaster warned her: “I picked you early on, so that means you cannot lose.” Meanwhile the Arbiter, mocked for a feeble roll, complained of a hostile workplace and asked for HR. “It’s really funny that you thought we had an HR, because we don’t,” the Grandmaster replied. She told him he was paid in leftover cold popcorn. He said he would take his payment in blood.

The Chair

Unimpressed by the wolf’s bark, the Grandmaster summoned a moon to shine on Viago like a spotlight: “Let’s see the wolf inside you.” He pounced onto Tetra’s shoulders, howled in her face, and earned the Grandmaster’s blessing.

Then the Arbiter announced, “Our acolytes have demanded chaos.” With a lot of scraping, the Grandmaster dragged two metal chairs out from behind her throne, one for the Arbiter and one for herself: his was meant for Viago, hers for Tetra. Each champion would call a coin flip, and a right call meant no chair. Tetra called “tails never fail” and was right, and the Grandmaster threw her chair to the ground in frustration. Viago was not so lucky. The Arbiter handed over his own chair, and the Grandmaster held it aloft. “Do we give him the chair?” She whipped the Acolytes up: “Give him the chair! This is for you!” She circled until she whipped up a small tornado, then dove “like a falcon skydiving” onto Viago’s head. The rusty seat gave way, and the wolf ended up wearing the chair as a necklace. “Think of this as a collar,” she told him.

Tetra grabbed the chair-collar and twisted, the wolf’s neck snapped, and the beast fell away to leave Viago standing in his own body. “Somehow you’ve gotten uglier from a dog,” she said. When she tried to dart away, Viago’s greataxe caught her mid-stride and pinned her in place. “Oh, well, you are quite an asshole,” she said. “Fine, I will stay here, but I’m not happy about it.” The Grandmaster felt she had glimpsed “the true Tetra.”

Teeth, Pants and Arrogance

Viago wiped blood from his lip. “I’m glad you think I was stupid. That was the idea. Now here comes the pain.” When he grinned, his moldy tusks prompted the Arbiter to mention the staff dentist, “more adept at ripping teeth out than putting them right.” The Grandmaster added that replacement teeth were for winners only. “No HR department, but great benefits,” Tetra noted. She tried to stun him with her staff, but the Acolytes’ cheering carried him through it. “It is asshole moment,” she concluded. The Arbiter put his money on Viago “based on the fact that he is bleeding less.”

Then Viago did something strange. Having listened to the Grandmaster’s speech about getting hurt (“That’s what makes you a champion”), he dropped his rage and healed Tetra. “I don’t want you to die too fast.” The Grandmaster was delighted: “This, this is the arrogance I love to see!” Tetra’s next attempt to stun him failed as well. She explained that she wore black because it is slimming and she didn’t want to embarrass “Big Tusk Man.” That drew everyone’s eyes to Viago’s black pants. “This has drawn attention to an area of Viago I was not prepared for,” the Grandmaster said. “I was thinking behind, but apparently we were talking about in front.” She called a drink break.

She came back with popcorn. Viago bloodied Tetra’s freshly cleaned white fur, so she went for “face… or scrotum, whichever is closer.” Viago is seven feet tall, so it was the latter. “I guess it’s a sack shot then,” said the Arbiter. “It is like speed bag,” said Tetra, and her claw did “11 damage to testicle, specifically left one.” When the Grandmaster wondered whether orcs even have two, Tetra answered that “rule 34 of internet says three.” A perfect flurry followed, which Tetra credited to “new math,” and she sank “seven points more of my claws in scrotum.” Viago’s reply: “A little to the left. Oh, there you go.”

The Belly of the Beast

The Grandmaster asked the Arbiter to have a word with the ship. He blinked out of existence, and the Nautilus tilted straight up and shot vertically through the water. Both champions tumbled into its stomach. A glowing green pool sat in the middle, the walls dripped with slime and “somewhat living” mummified sailors, and the sticky floor ate at their shoes. “Welcome to the bowels of this ship,” said the Grandmaster.

Tetra, still calling the Arbiter “Inquisitor,” offered to put him through an Inquisition. “This is not really my type,” he replied. “Usually something less feline.” She planted a dart in each of Viago’s eye holes, and a mummified sailor nearly pinned her to the wall (“I think someone’s about to touch your bits,” Viago warned). When the stomach acid rose, Viago spat back at it: “You think that’s acid? Try that.” Tetra failed to shove him into the pit and was caught by his axe again when she tried to run. Somewhere in the stands, hounds barked their own cheer for the wolf-man. Viago seized her by the throat, but she slipped free: “I’ve been dancing, you big ape.”

The Bouncy Castle and the Fall

The next chaos roll came up 18 again, and the Grandmaster had already broken one metal chair and needed to order more, so at Tetra’s suggestion they halved it. The acid floor softened into a bouncy castle. Tetra bounced three times and came down claws first “with the fury of a thousand kittens.” Viago quietly cast a spell to make himself leap farther and asked how high the ceiling was. Tetra raced up the 30-foot wall “like a spider,” did a little cat wiggle, and turned to find Viago flying up to meet her. He grabbed her from behind and suplexed her all the way to the floor.

She slowed the fall, and because he was holding her, it slowed him too. “It suddenly turns into this very romantic soft moment,” the Arbiter narrated. “You smell lovely,” Viago told her. She credited her hibiscus-and-mint conditioner. “We might have to first the lube, now this,” the Arbiter said, but the Grandmaster told him to let them have a moment. “I feel the weight of this conversation on my psyche at the moment,” said Tetra.

A Mere Simple Kick

Tetra fumbled her escape and announced she was using “Accept Fate, which is a special move.” Viago, “bear-hugging the shit out of her,” threw her over his shoulder into the green pool, which held a gelatinous cube. She shrugged off the acid, kicked free, and climbed out, and the cube followed its meal onto the floor. “What is one life out of nine, right?” she said, and tried to tackle Viago into it (“Jello fight! In the ring!” cried the Grandmaster). His chest didn’t budge. “You understand why I wear the black pants now, right?” She did not. He punched her twice, healed her once more, and slapped her backside: “You like it like that?” Then, almost at once: “Sorry, this is terrible. I feel terrible.”

In the last round Viago honestly told her she had the advantage. The Grandmaster urged her on: “Even if you die, Tetra, keep your dignity.” The Arbiter, who had placed some late wagers, asked her not to die just yet. Her final attempt to stun him bounced off (“Viago, the Stunless”). Viago looked up at the Grandmaster, the Arbiter and the cube, then spun and kicked her hard in the back. “Well, it was fun, but that is me and I go down.” The Grandmaster summed it up: “A mere simple kick is all it took.”

The Grandmaster landed on the gelatinous cube, which froze into an ice block, and rose on it toward the fans with Viago beside her. Below, the Arbiter knelt by the dying Tetra. “Normally, I would reserve a specimen such as you for my army. But in this case, my pet is hungry.” He thawed the cube, it engulfed her body and started devouring her bones, her beautiful fur dissolved, and she may have given a Terminator 2 thumbs-up as she went under. Then the Arbiter vanished with her and the cube. The Acolytes threw up rock fists and screamed Viago’s name. “Viago, you have truly brought greatness to my field.”

Dried Blood

Viago credited his win to proper stretching, eating all the good vegetables and “an ample amount of trash talking.” His advice: “Trust your gut. And if anybody was just trying to run away from you, you stop them in their tracks.” Tetra was gracious about it: “I let him have it, because sometimes every dog needs their day.” Her own advice was simpler: “Do not fight asshole at bottom of ocean.” At the table, Viago’s player explained that in his home world Viago is an Orochiath, half orc and half goliath, from a line “bred through love” whose founders were shunned by their clans and started their own. He also revealed that he had been hoping the room would flood so Viago could become a giant octopus.

Notable Moments

• The Grandmaster cheated her goblins at rock, paper, scissors simply by glaring at them.
• The Grandmaster’s tornado-powered dive bomb with a metal chair, which left Viago wearing it as a collar.
• Viago healed his own opponent twice, once out of sheer arrogance and once with a slap on the backside.
• The wall suplex that turned into a slow, romantic descent and a conversation about hibiscus and mint.
• After a bouncy castle, a gelatinous cube and a living ship, the fight was decided by one plain kick.
• The Arbiter fed Tetra to his pet cube rather than keep her “for my army.”

Memorable Quotes

• Tetra Kincaid: “I like to just keep it simple and murder.”
• The Grandmaster: “It’s really funny that you thought we had an HR, because we don’t.”
• Viago: “I’m glad you think I was stupid. That was the idea. Now here comes the pain.”
• Tetra Kincaid: “Last time I tried to move, he was asshole. Last time I tried to hit him, he was asshole.”
• The Grandmaster: “He even heals his opponent! This, this is the arrogance I love to see!”
• Tetra Kincaid: “I come down with the fury of a thousand kittens.”
• Viago: “You understand why I wear the black pants now, right?”

The Arbiter: “Normally, I would reserve a specimen such as you for my army. But in this case, my pet is hungry.”

Who and What Appears

Characters

Viago (fabled42).

• Body: a seven-foot-tall half-orc (“orc” in narration). Shirtless, with black pants. A skull helmet. Moldy, horrible teeth and tusks.
• Fighting: a rage-based totem barbarian (“resistant to everything but psychological”), with a greataxe and the Sentinel feat.
• Druid magic (multiclass inferred from Wild Shape, Healing Word and Jump):
  • Wild Shape into a dire wolf.
  • Healing Word, used twice on Tetra and on himself.
  • Jump.
• Found by the Arbiter in “the wilderness”, which he insists is a real, small place.
• In this episode:
  • His rock-and-roll hand sign.
  • The running jokes that he can only count to two.
  • Performed for the GM’s moon and was blessed.
  • Was hit with the metal chair and wore it as a collar.
  • Healed his opponent out of arrogance.
  • Suplexed Tetra from the wall and into the pit.
  • Won with a kick.
• Earned the nickname “Viago the Stunless” (from Tetra).
• Dried Blood: an Orochiath in his player’s homebrew world.

Tetra Kincaid (theshortnord, “Mike”).

• Body: a feline Tabaxi monk (Way of the Astral Self) with white fur she has grown “for decades” and uses a hibiscus-and-mint conditioner on.
• Style: wears black because it’s slimming. Speaks with a heavy accent and broken English (“he is asshole”) and says “my dear.”
• Gear: a quarterstaff kept behind her head, claws, and darts.
• Abilities: Arms and Body of the Astral Self, Stunning Strike, Patient Defense, Step of the Wind, Feline Agility, climbing, and slow fall.
• Found by the Arbiter in “the parking lot outside of Disney.”
• The GM’s favorite this episode (“I picked you early on”).
• Hates canines.
• Calls the Arbiter “Inquisitor” and flirts with both the GM and the Arbiter.
• Rolled many natural 20s.
• Fate: defeated by Viago’s kick. The Arbiter fed her body to his pet gelatinous cube instead of keeping her for his army.

The Arbiter (Mudcat).

• Humors the GM at rock, paper, scissors.
• Does her laundry (laundry day follows the deathmatch).
• Is paid in leftover cold popcorn, gets to boss goblins, and “takes payment in blood.”
• Can talk to the living ship and make it move.
• Has a pet gelatinous cube.
• Stated: “Normally, I would reserve a specimen such as you for my army.”
• Bet on Viago and placed “late fight wagers.”
• Says there is a dentist on staff.

Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer (Caustic Phoenix).

• Plays rock, paper, scissors with her goblins and cheats.
• “I’ve lived many lives.” 13 is one of her favorite numbers.
• Owns the Siren’s Nautilus.
• Keeps metal chairs behind her throne. She broke one and needs to order more.
• Can summon a moon as a spotlight, freeze the gelatinous cube by standing on it, and make a tornado by circling.
• Believes getting hurt “is what makes you alive.”

Elusia’s goblins: at least eight, lined up to lose to her. One always picks rock.

The gelatinous cube: lives in the pit in the ship’s stomach. It is the Arbiter’s “pet,” and it ate Tetra’s body. The GM froze it briefly. Mudcat called it a “Bombastic gelatinous cube.”

The mummified sailors: the “somewhat living” bodies of people the ship swallowed, lining the stomach walls. One tried to grab Tetra.

The staff dentist: unnamed. Better at ripping teeth out; has made a few dentures. Replacement teeth are only for winners.

Places

• The Grandmaster’s subterranean castle / throne room (the opening scene).
• The Siren’s Nautilus: the GM’s living sunken ship-beast, which she uses “to scour the seas and claim whatever happens to fall to its death.”
  • The ballroom: an air bubble, purple luminescent tile, pearl trim, puddles, a jellyfish-like electric floor, and exits at both ends.
  • The stomach: a glowing green fountain or pit holding the gelatinous cube, acid floor, slime walls and mummified sailors.
• The crowd viewing area above the ship, like a SeaWorld tank or glass-bottom boat.
• “The wilderness”: where Viago was found; claimed to be a proper place name.
• The parking lot outside of Disney: where Tetra was found (a real-world joke).

Items

• Metal chairs from behind the GM’s throne. One was thrown down; another became Viago’s collar.
• The GM’s summoned spotlight moon.
• Tetra’s quarterstaff and darts; Viago’s greataxe and skull helmet.
• The bouncy-castle floor (a chaos event).
• The GM’s popcorn.

Lore statements

• The Arbiter keeps “specimens” (fallen champions) for “my army” (his own words, 1:53:34).
• The ship is alive, and the Arbiter and the GM can direct it.
• Champions who win can get replacement teeth from the staff dentist.
• The fortress has no HR. The Arbiter is unpaid; the GM calls it “a partnership.”
• The Arbiter rips warriors “from all space and time.”

Full Round-by-Round

Every beat of the episode, with timestamps (click to expand)

Opening — rock, paper, scissors in the throne room

1. 0:00:02 In the subterranean castle of the Grandmaster, Elusia sits on her throne playing rock, paper, scissors with her goblins, and is not doing well. Caustic Phoenix takes over the story. Elusia glares at the goblins, and they change their hands so that they lose to her. “I win every time. No one ever beats me at this. I’m the best there is in this entire fortress.”
2. The goblins file past one after another. One goblin hangs his head and goes to the back of the line behind the other seven, so she can beat each of them in turn. She explains that there is strategy to it: “You have to go fast and you have to out-think them… You have to know who your opponent is.”
3. 0:01:05 — The Arbiter is challenged. He says he is “merely an observer to your glorious rock-paper-scissors technique.” She calls him up to a spot at her feet anyway. He asks whether it’s “one, two, three, and then shoot.” She says no: “Why would you have the extra time?”
4. 0:01:49 They play several rounds. The first is a tie (“a nice warm-up”). Then she accuses him of being slower and of cheating, and smacks his hand away. She says he was “a whole two and a half seconds slower.”
   • 0:02:29 The Arbiter: “What you’re experiencing is video delay.” She doesn’t accept it.
   • He offers to close his eyes. She has him lead “since you’re blind.” He then declares: “You win, Grandmaster.”
   • “Is my fortress what I say goes?” “Yes, I 100% agree with that.”
5. 0:03:18 — Why he came. “It is time for some people to die.” She thought it was laundry day. Laundry day is tomorrow: the deathmatch comes first, “just in case there’s any blood on the clothing.”
   • GM: “I’m glad I didn’t hire you, but I brought you here, so that works as well.”
6. 0:03:50 She does something to a goblin’s leg (the transcript says “shoot”; possibly “shoo” or “smack”). She tells it: “You always choose rock. It’s fine… It’ll help me win later.”
   • She warns the Arbiter: “If you tell me again it’s from like the 7-Eleven or TGI Fridays, I swear I’m going to be upset.”
7. 0:04:18 — The champions under sheets. “I ripped the finest warriors from all space and time.” This time he doesn’t use a portal. Two figures stand covered in decorative sheets like statues, and he rips the sheets off dramatically: “Grandmaster, I give you Viago and Tetra.”
8. 0:05:08 — Viago presents himself. “Viago here. I hear there’s some blood that needs to be shed. And I’m ready to do it in your honor.”
   • Asked how he wins: “First off, I do it with a lot of rage.” He throws up a rock sign: “This is too much rock and roll for one hand.”
   • GM: “Part of it is just pure intimidation alone… I like this champion.”
   • 0:06:12 Where he was found: “the wilderness.” Pressed, the Arbiter insists it is “a place called the wilderness… a very small location.” GM: “No, that’s not lazy at all.”
9. 0:06:57 Viago heckles while Tetra hesitates: “He’s frightened of me. He can’t even speak.”
10. 0:07:03 — Tetra presents herself. “My name is Tetra Kincaid, and I don’t need to do all the yelling and all of the bones. Disgusting. You’re very gross. I like to just keep it simple and murder.”
    • On her training: “I was trained as far as many people could train me, and then I did figure out more myself.”
    • Asked about her kill count (“under your belt? Or tail?”): “It is more than him, I’m sure.”
    • “Anything for someone so beautiful as you, my dear.”
    • GM: “This is the one I’m cheering for. The flattery will get you everywhere… especially here in this court.”
11. 0:08:24 — Where Tetra was found. The Arbiter: “the most foul, gut-wrenching, blood-infested place you could imagine.” The GM guesses “McDonald’s?” It was “The parking lot outside of Disney.” GM: “If anyone can survive there, they’ll certainly do well in this arena.”
12. 0:08:41 — Rock, paper, scissors with the champions. Each champion must play her once before entering.
    • Viago loses or lets her win: “Viago’s going to do very well, and I’m glad you know your place.”
    • Tetra throws the same hand she does: “There! Excellent!”
13. 0:10:27 The Arbiter claps and rips open a portal of green and purple hues.

The arena — the Siren’s Nautilus

14. 0:10:45 GM: “Welcome, welcome to the Siren’s Nautilus.”
    • They are in the ballroom of a sunken ship. She has made an air bubble for them. If they go outside or pierce the walls, “you might find yourself swimming with the fishes,” and there’s no swimming to the surface.
    • The overgrown ship begins to move and breathe. “This ship is a living being that you are inside of… my precious beast. I use it to scour the seas and claim whatever happens to fall to its death.”
    • The ground is electrified like a jellyfish, dangerous skin to skin.
    • The floor is luminescent purple tile with pearls along the edges, with puddles of water.
    • There are exits at either end, “but you do not know where they will take you.”
    • “Be careful. This ship may bite back.”
15. 0:12:31 — The crowd. She flies up through the ceiling, which ripples like water. Above, “almost like a SeaWorld tank,” the crowd circles and looks down “as if through a glass boat bottom”: “These are your acolytes… this show is for them. Win their hearts and you might make it out alive.”
16. 0:13:38 — Placement. The d4 rolls put both champions in the same spot, nose to nose.
    • Viago: “She won’t look for four sides, boy.” Tetra: “Yes, you idiot.” GM: “I know we struggled to count to two.” Counting jokes at Viago’s expense run through the whole episode.
    • GM: “Start off face to face, lips to lips.” Arbiter: “Eye to eye in a slow dance of death… we want a dirty fight.”
    • The crowd gives Viago a hero point. Tetra: “I knew he would need a leg up.”
17. 0:15:58 Initiative: Viago 17 (with advantage), Tetra 13.

Round 1 — cat versus dog

18. 0:16:19 — Viago transforms. He rages and turns into a dire wolf.
    • The GM asks for “that iconic dire wolf howl.” The sound cut out, “so we got these cute little pup pal clips instead.”
    • He is resistant to everything except psychic damage: “I’m a totem barbarian.” That carries into wolf form.
    • GM: “Cat versus dog.” Viago: “That was not intentional.”
19. 0:17:58 — Tetra’s astral arms. “I love killing these stupid canines.” She spends ki on Arms of the Astral Self: big glowing astral arms around her own feline arms, dealing force damage with extra reach. They hit Viago as they appear (he fails the Dex save).
    • Then: “You need to see what the real claws look like.” Two claw strikes: a hit, then a nat 20. “Yeah, bitch.” “Please tell me how you’ll deal with this, you stupid dog.”
    • The wolf drops to 16 HP. She looks at her bloody claws and picks the little hairs out.
20. 0:22:05 The fans give Tetra a hero point too.
    • GM: “Claws are out right from the get-go… Changing to dire wolf, bringing out massive kitty arms.”
    • The GM asks for her end-of-round “secret” d20 (a 7). Arbiter: “Is it really a secret?” Viago: “I don’t know what you’re doing.” GM: “He can’t count higher than three probably.”

Round 2

21. 0:23:23 — Wolf bites. One of two bites hits. The rolls were hidden from the table until the Arbiter revealed them. GM: “How dare you keep secrets from us? I require transparency on my field.”
    • Tetra makes every one of the bite’s Strength saves with her Wisdom (18s), thanks to the astral arms.
    • Tetra: “Classic fight between the dexterous and the dumb.” Arbiter: “We’re gonna have to remember that one.” GM: “I will be the dexterous and you can be the dumb.”
22. 0:25:16 — The quarterstaff to the nose. Tetra pulls a quarterstaff from behind her head and claps the wolf on the nose: “You’ve been a bad boy.” The wolf gets a bloody nose.
    • “Yes, I love waking up to that sound.” She lands a second bop (she says “boob”; she means bop).
    • The GM rules that halved damage rounds up, “because we are terribly cruel and unfair and cold-hearted monsters.”
    • 0:26:56 Tetra: “Was you a cat in your last life, Grandmaster?” (transcript: “How do you show you want a cat”). GM: “I’ve lived many lives, so you might be onto something there.”
23. 0:27:14 Her flurry of blows rolls a natural 1, and the miss costs her the second flurry. Tetra: “So distracted by the beautiful harmony of his squeals.”
24. 0:27:55 — The GM’s warning. “Don’t be enchanted by your own abilities… I picked you early on, so that means you cannot lose, or I will have to avenge my own wrath upon this field.” “No more nat ones. Those are not allowed here.” To Viago: “Cute little puppy, isn’t it time for you to grow up?”
25. 0:28:52 — The hostile workplace. The Arbiter rolls a 5, and the GM mocks it: “Couldn’t even make it to the double digits.”
    • Arbiter: “This is becoming a hostile workplace, I think maybe I should talk to HR.”
    • GM: “It’s really funny that you thought we had an HR, because we don’t. Also, it’s not a workplace.”
    • He doesn’t get paid. It’s “like a partnership.” He is “rewarded in leftover cold popcorn,” he gets to boss the goblins around sometimes, and “You get to do my laundry, so win-win.”
    • Arbiter: “I’ll just take my payment in blood in round three.” GM: “You can collect some vials after this… Or else then I might have to pay him.”

Round 3 — the spotlight moon and the metal chairs

26. 0:30:05 Viago lands two more bites. Tetra makes both saves with consistent 18s.
    • GM: “Maybe just all bark and no bite… Perhaps you should put on a better show.”
    • She summons a moon that rises and shines down on Viago like a spotlight: “Let’s see the wolf inside you.”
27. 0:31:42 — The wolf’s performance. He pounces with both paws onto Tetra’s shoulders, howls and growls in her face, and drops back to all fours. Performance 15. “The Grandmaster is appeased.” She blesses him for one round.

Chaos event — the metal chairs (0:32:56)

28. The Arbiter: “Our acolytes have demanded chaos.” The GM lets him “redeem that sad five.” He rolls an 18.
    • Laughing, she goes behind her throne. There is shuffling, then a clinging and harshing of metal dragged across the floor. She brings out two metal chairs, one for the Arbiter and one for herself.
    • The rules: each champion calls a coin flip. The Arbiter’s chair is for Viago, and the Grandmaster’s is for Tetra, “my prize champion.” Call it right and you don’t get hit.
    • They use a 1d2: “we haven’t gotten the Arbiter to get us cooler coins yet.” The Arbiter: “I’m working on it, Grandmaster.” GM: “Viago can only count from one to two.”
29. 0:35:56 Tetra: “Tails never fail, so I’ll go with a two.” She’s right. The GM throws her chair to the ground in frustration.
30. 0:36:06 — The dive. “Grandmaster, have mine.” The Arbiter hands over his chair.
    • She holds it over her head and asks the Acolytes: “Do we give him the chair?” She gets them hyped: “Give him the chair! This is for you!”
    • She flies above center stage and circles until she makes a small tornado. Then, “like a falcon skydiving,” she brings the chair down on Viago’s head.
    • The damage is “metal chair damage,” which nothing resists: “It is a unique brand.” Viago: “It’s a celestial metal chair. I am still a wolf, technically.”
    • The rusty chair gives way, and Viago’s head goes through the seat. He now wears it as a necklace. “Think of this as a collar. If you can break free, perhaps you’re as wild as you deserve to be.” “That chaos is for you.”
    • Tetra: “Very well done. And Inquisitor, good manners.” (She calls the Arbiter “Inquisitor” several times; see below.)
31. 0:38:09 — The neck twist. Tetra grabs the chair around the wolf’s neck and twists its head. It hits (26).
    • 0:38:39 Mudcat narrates (tagged 02): “You watch as you snap that neck, it growls in pain, and in your hands you watch as the seven-foot-tall orc, Viago…” The wild shape ends, and Viago is back in his own body.
    • Tetra: “Oof, I may have made a terrible misstep… Somehow you’ve gotten uglier from a dog.”
    • Arbiter: “He’s not smart enough to have feelings.”
32. 0:39:43 Tetra: “Let’s try to make you a little more prettier with that face.” Her claw misses.
33. 0:39:58 — The Sentinel. Tetra spends ki on Step of the Wind to disengage and run 60 ft.
    • Viago has Sentinel, so she still provokes. “That’s not just a nice axe, that’s a great axe.” The greataxe hits for 16, and her speed drops to 0.
    • Tetra: “Oh, well, you are quite an asshole. Fine, I will stay here, but I’m not happy about it.”
    • GM: “I feel like we just got a glimpse into the true Tetra.” Tetra: “I don’t even want to take it no more.”
34. 0:42:06 The Arbiter rolls a 13. GM: “It’s one of my favorite numbers, so you are a bit in my good graces.”
    • The two are stuck in one corner, so she suggests: “We might have to talk to the ship soon, see if she can move them around… the contents inside her might be getting a little stale.” Arbiter: “I’ll have a conversation with the ship.”

Round 4 — the teeth

36. 0:43:25 Viago wipes blood off his lip: “I’m glad you think I was stupid. That was the idea. Now here comes the pain.” One of two hits (13 slashing): “I don’t like this kitty.”
    • The bless has already lapsed. GM: “You think I would give you the blessing for all of eternity?… Everything comes from a cost here. Remember, flattery will get you everywhere.”
37. 0:45:05 — Viago’s smile. He grins at Tetra. His teeth are horrible. Tetra: “I may have to pick some of that mold off of your tusk.”
    • Arbiter: “We do have a dentist on staff, but he’s more adept at ripping teeth out than putting them right.”
    • GM: “He’s done a few dentures in time… Fake teeth are not cheap, so it’s only if you win you can get replacement teeth.”
    • Tetra: “No HR department, but great benefits.” GM: “Terrible business structure. Don’t follow what we do.”
38. 0:46:29 — Stunning Strike, saved by the hero point. Tetra: “This is absolutely hard to look at. Let me fix it with that staff.” She lands a two-handed quarterstaff hit and spends ki on Stunning Strike.
    • Viago fails his Con save (12), then spends his hero point to reroll (16) and beats the DC by one.
    • GM: “The fans push Viago to play through it and strengthen himself.”
    • Tetra: “You are just big asshole. You are the worst.” Another staff hit, then Patient Defense.
    • “Last time I tried to move, he was asshole. Last time I tried to hit him, he was asshole… It is asshole moment.”
39. 0:49:24 — The Arbiter’s bet. “A classic cat versus dog situation… My money would be on Viago. Based on the fact that he is bleeding less.”
40. 0:49:53 — The GM on getting hurt. “On my arena, getting hurt is part of it. That’s part of what makes you alive. That’s what makes you a champion. When you see the scars, the blood flowing from your skin, it awakens something in your soul.”
    • She says Viago turns deep cuts into scratches and isn’t “getting the full experience of the fight… life on the line… Sorry, I haven’t read many books.”
    • Arbiter: “I promise you, you will see blood from Viago tonight.”

Round 5 — the healing word and the muscles

41. 0:51:07 At disadvantage, Viago misses twice. Tetra: “Oop, oop, cat sidestep.”
    • Viago: “Why don’t you stop playing around and fight me like a little kitty.” Tetra: “Big Bad Dog has some bark in him.” His intimidation (17) loses to her insight (19): “That threat is real, but it doesn’t quite get you.”
42. 0:52:37 — Viago heals his opponent. “Because I heard the Grandmaster and everything she was saying.” He drops his rage and casts Healing Word on Tetra for two points: “I don’t want you to die too fast.”
    • GM: “So sure, so confident of his abilities! He even heals his opponent! This, this is the arrogance I love to see!”
    • He is now resistant to nothing. Tetra: “Well, that took the wind out of my sails… I am Confucian [confused].”
    • Tetra: “This is very nice of you, big ugly tusk man, but I still have to hurt you.”
43. 0:54:38 A staff hit, then another Stunning Strike. Tetra spends her hero point. She asks to give Viago disadvantage, but the GM rules a hero point is a positive for its user, so she raises the DC by 2 to 17 instead. Viago rolls a 20 and isn’t stunned.
44. 0:55:53 — Body of the Astral Self. More ki: both astral arms out, deflection of energy damage, and Empowered Arms (+d8).
    • Arbiter: “Is there anything else you want to add to that list?” GM: “Like a large fry…” “Flex, you said you got muscly arms.”
    • 0:57:03 The black pants. Tetra: “Yes, I wear black because it is slimming. I don’t want to embarrass Big Tusk Man here.” Then: “You’re not even wearing shirts, you big elf.” Viago is shirtless and looks at his black pants. “You wear black pants because they’re slimming. You don’t want to embarrass anybody… How thoughtful.” GM: “The kindness continues.”
    • Tetra: “You are very funny for big gross man. I just want big buff arms like him.”
45. 0:57:52 GM: “This has drawn attention to an area of Viago I was not prepared for. I was thinking behind, but apparently we were talking about in front.” She calls a break to refill her drink. Arbiter: “I already forgot about it, Grandmaster, and you will too.”

After the break — round 6

46. 0:58:28 GM: “Welcome back… I brought my popcorn.” Arbiter: “We have popcorn. We have fresh blood.” Round six is “more than two twos,” a jab at Viago’s counting.
47. 0:59:35 Viago: “I’m going to hit him in the face.” GM: “Knock his pretty teeth out!”
    • Two greataxe hits land, though her astral body softens them. The GM admits she “just nodded” through Tetra’s list. Arbiter: “Someone at your station shouldn’t have to listen to lists.”
    • Viago heals himself with Healing Word.
48. 1:01:38 — The white fur and the sack shot. Tetra: “You have gotten blood on my fur, which I just got cleaned and it is white… I hate you for this.” She goes for his “face… or scrotum, whichever is closer.”
    • Viago is about seven feet tall. Arbiter: “I guess it’s a sack shot then.” Tetra: “I go for scrotham… It is like speed bag.”
    • The claw hits: “I do 11 damage to testicle, specifically left one.”
    • GM: “I don’t know much about orc anatomy. Are there two?” Tetra: “Well, rule 34 of internet says three.” Viago: “Well, I can count to two.” GM: “We’ve been doing a lot of math lessons. I didn’t know if it was time for a science lesson.”
49. 1:03:50 — Buff kitty. Her second claw misses. Her flurry of blows rolls a natural 20 with her “buff arms” d8, for 28. Viago: “That’s way too many numbers.”
    • Tetra: “It’s called new math. They introduce it like assholes to children nowadays.”
    • The second flurry adds “seven points more of my claws in scrotum.” Viago: “A little to the left. Oh, there you go.” GM: “This is like some Addams Family, like, I like pain.” Arbiter: “You gotta burn him out.”
    • Tetra: “I have terminated your scrolls. If you can move now, please move.”

The ship tilts — the stomach (1:07:18)

50. The GM asks the Arbiter to “whisper in her ear and tell her to just shake things up.” The Arbiter blinks out of existence for a moment.
    • The ship tilts sharply and shoots straight up through the water, vertical. Both champions are thrown through an open doorway into another chamber: the creature’s stomach.
    • In the middle is a large, glowing green fountain. The walls are coated in slime and ooze and lined with “the somewhat living mummified bodies of sailors” the creature swallowed.
    • The floor is sticky fluid that eats at the soles of their shoes.
    • GM: “Welcome to the bowels of this ship. Find your place here, or you might just be devoured.”
51. 1:09:22 New placement puts them on opposite sides of the fountain. Viago: “How does a digital dice get cocked?” GM: “Anything is possible.” Initiative is rerolled, and Tetra goes twice in a row.
52. 1:10:27 — “Inquisitor.” Tetra thanks the “great Inquisitor and Grandmaster.” Corrected, she offers: “I would be happy to put you through an Inquisition if you’d like.”
    • GM: “He goes by any name… Listen, you got yourself into this boat.”
    • Arbiter: “This is not really my type. Usually something less feline.”
    • Tetra: “Yes, strong, powerful woman. I understand.” GM: “A strong, powerful woman is all that I’m about. We get it. He doesn’t get it.”
53. 1:11:23 — Darts. “I do something new.” Two darts hit Viago, one in each “eye hole.” Viago: “Look, I don’t have three digits of HP anymore.” She uses Patient Defense again: “Big, strong, burly, dart eye man.”
54. 1:13:27 — The mummy. Because of where she landed, Tetra makes a Strength save (using Wisdom) and succeeds. A squirming mummified humanoid behind her reaches out to pin her against the wall, but she gets away. Tetra: “Oh my god, that thing’s moving.”
    • Viago: “I think someone’s about to touch your bits.”
55. 1:14:22 Viago boxes her in so she can only escape past “the guy who’s touching her bits.” His reckless swing misses (a 2), then one lands.
    • “See, these are real muscles. Those are pretend ones. Those are like fantasy ones.”
    • He heals himself for “two little points of pokey pokey.”
56. 1:16:03 GM: “It is a bit of a hungry and devouring sort of location.”
57. 1:16:39 — Stomach acid. Con saves. Tetra rolls a nat 20 and is safe this round and the next. Viago takes 1 acid damage as the acid seeps through his boots.
    • Viago: “You think that’s acid? Try that.” He spits on the stomach, and Mudcat notes the stomach takes one point of damage.
    • Viago: “We’re both gonna get digested here, you know that, right?” Tetra: “You will get digested. I am going to dance my way out of this gross stomach.”

Round 7 — the shove and the grapple

59. 1:17:39 Tetra rushes Viago and tries to shove him toward the pit. “It turns out real muscles really do count”: Viago wins, 16 to 15.
    • She tries Step of the Wind again. Sentinel hits her again, and she can’t move.
    • Tetra: “You are doing more damage to me on my turn than you are doing damage to me on your turn. Everyone in crowd, [Caligari?], he is asshole.”
    • The crowd laughs, half agreeing. “Assholes or not, you’re not winning is the point they’re giving you.”
    • The GM hears barking in the stands: “Clearly the hounds have their own cheer… They felt their kindred spirit out on the field.”
    • Tetra: “I don’t even feel like cat dancing this round… In my mind, I chose to do this.”
60. 1:21:45 Viago throws his arms out: “What do you wish, Grandmaster?” He rages again and grabs Tetra by the throat to lift her (athletics 21). She rolls a nat 20 and slips free. Arbiter: “Dude, you’re on fire tonight.” Tetra: “I’ve been dancing, you big ape.” Viago: “He just reversed my finishing move.”

Chaos event — the bouncy castle (1:23:17)

61. The crowd is fired up: “Muscles mean nothing if you don’t have the speed to match them.” Tetra rolls for the chaos event.
    • The first roll lands on 18 again. GM: “I already broken one metal chair. I need to order more. Add more to the list, all right, Arbiter?” Tetra: “How about half of 18?” It becomes 9.
    • The acid floor fades and turns soft and springy. “The ground is now a bouncy castle!” Walking is halved and jumping is doubled. Attacks from the ground have disadvantage, and jumping attacks have advantage. It lasts one round for each of them.
62. 1:25:52 — The triple bounce. “You have given me a great gift, Grandmaster.” Tetra double hops and comes down with the quarterstaff on Viago’s tusks. Then a triple bounce: she puts the staff away mid-jump and comes down claws first, for another natural 20.
    • Viago: “Good God, it’s disgusting.” Out of character: “I’ve never been this lucky in my life.”
    • “I come down with the fury of a thousand kittens. They have kittens, not cats… very small, but they pierce like needles.”
    • A flurry follows, including a “dirty 20.” GM: “Can we still recognize Viago’s face? I know he had that really nice skull helmet.”
    • “Everyone knows cats always land on all fours.”
63. 1:30:11 Viago drops his rage, casts Jump on himself, and rages again, and does not attack. He asks how high the ceiling is: 30 ft. GM: “I see wheels turning.”
64. 1:31:15 Tetra uses Feline Agility to double her speed to 120 ft. She lands two bare-pawed strikes (“Now you only get bare knuckled cat.” GM: “Soft paws coming at you”), then disengages.
    • Viago lets her go without an opportunity attack. Arbiter: “He must be preparing for some sort of final move.”
    • Tetra climbs the 30-ft wall “like a spider” and does “a cat’s wiggle dance on the wall.”
65. 1:34:03 — The leap and the suplex. With tripled jump, Viago runs, leaps to Tetra on the wall, grabs her from behind, and drives a belly-to-back suplex all the way to the ground. Reckless; he wins the contest with a dirty 20.
    • The 30-ft fall: Tetra uses Tabaxi slow fall as a reaction. The GM rules it slows Viago too, since he is holding her.
    • “It suddenly turns into this very romantic soft moment.” Viago: “You smell lovely.”
    • Tetra: “I actually use a very good herbal mixture of hibiscus and mint… mint, it actually opens your pores.”
    • Arbiter: “Hibiscus, Grandmaster, we keep hearing about hibiscus. We might have to first the lube, now this.” GM: “No, no, no, let them have a moment.”
    • Both land prone, and Tetra is still grappled, his face by her ear. “Hey, you feel that?” (speaker uncertain, probably Viago). Tetra: “I feel the weight of this conversation on my psyche at the moment.”
    • Arbiter: “A smooth, slow, touching moment as you fall down.”

Round 8 — the pit and the gelatinous cube

66. 1:38:11 Tetra: “You are very strong, powerful man, and usually I am looking for this in life, but this is not the moment.”
    • She rolls a natural 1 to escape, which costs her bonus action too.
    • “I used Accept Fate, which is a special move. I’m kidding. I’m just accepting my fate.” Viago: “AKA gives up.” He is “bear-hugging the shit out of her.”
67. 1:39:30 — Into the pool. Viago stands her up, steps back, and suplexes her over his shoulder into the green pool, trying not to go in himself: “Either she’s gonna die or she’s gonna turn into some big bad and I’m gonna die.”
    • She deflects all the acid damage with Body of the Astral Self.
    • But she is now knee-deep in a gelatinous cube, which starts to engulf her. GM: “The gelatinous cube!”
    • Arbiter: “Usually found in dungeons, it is a slow-moving object dealing acid damage and engulfing its prey, devouring it slowly.”
    • Tetra’s Dex save is a natural 20. She pops out and kicks the cube, then climbs onto the edge. The cube follows her out of the pool after “what it thinks is its meal.”
68. 1:42:27 — One life out of nine. Tetra takes stock: “Internally, that falling moment, very weird, deal with that later. Externally, bleeding very much on all of the nice fur that I’ve been growing for decades… What is one life out of nine, right?”
    • She sprints around to tackle Viago into the cube. GM: “Jello fight! In the ring!” Tetra: “Everyone wants to see it. He is shirtless. I am clearly a 10.”
    • She spends ki to try again, but Viago’s chest doesn’t move: “it’s a wall.”
    • Tetra: “This has just gotten more awkward as I power arm your pecs.” Viago: “You understand why I wear the black pants now, right?” “No, I don’t. I don’t like any of this.” She compares it to “the scene from Captain America where… she just lightly touches him.”
69. 1:45:09 Viago’s axe is “still in me back,” so he punches her twice, recklessly: once in the face, then he bends her over and hits again.
    • Tetra: “I am very close to death… me touching your chesticles, your chest.”
70. 1:46:28 — The second healing word. Viago drops his rage again and heals Tetra two points, and slaps her on the backside: “You like it like that?” This line is tagged 00 but is Viago’s.
    • Tetra: “That is so very, very rude and condescending of you… But you’ve given me the strength and anger to get up and slash your face for a final time.” Viago: “Sorry, this is terrible. I feel terrible.”
    • He steps away from “the gooey bits” as the Arbiter brings the cube out of the pit: “This is a hungry cube.”
71. 1:47:49 The stomach acid returns. Tetra fails her Con save and deflects it with her astral self.

Final round

72. 1:49:18 Tetra: “I am feeling like an asshole at this point.”
    • Viago honestly tells her she has advantage because he attacked recklessly. “Thank you for your honesty.”
    • A tie gives a glancing staff blow. “I’m very exhausted… why even continue with this?”
    • GM: “Keep fighting. Keep your spirit. Demand respect. Even if you die, Tetra, keep your dignity.”
    • The Arbiter’s wager: “If you’re going to die, maybe wait till the next round, because I’ve placed some late fight wagers. I need you to go to the 13th.”
    • A 28 hits for 12. Her last Stunning Strike is met with another 20-plus Con save. Tetra: “Cannot be stunned, Viago, the Stunless.”
73. 1:51:41 — The kick. Viago shakes his head and looks up at the Grandmaster, the Arbiter and the cube. Then he spins around and kicks her hard for six bludgeoning.
    • Tetra: “Well, it was fun, but that is me and I go down.”
    • GM: “After all these moves, epic in nature… Foot to back, kicks for Tetra where she’s vulnerable and she goes down. A mere simple kick is all it took.”

Aftermath

74. 1:52:15 — The frozen cube. The Grandmaster floats down and lands on the gelatinous cube, which freezes into an ice block under her feet. It becomes a stand. “Come, join me center stage.” She and Viago rise toward the fans, leaving the Arbiter and Tetra on the ground.
75. 1:53:34 — Tetra’s end. The Arbiter kneels by Tetra, “dying from blunt force trauma to the chest,” and unfreezes the cube:
    • “Normally, I would reserve a specimen such as you for my army. But in this case, my pet is hungry.”
    • The cube engulfs her body and starts devouring her bones. Her fur dissolves: “The beautiful fur.” Perhaps she gives “a Terminator 2 thumbs up” as she goes under.
    • The Arbiter poofs her, the cube and himself out of the arena.
76. 1:54:43 — The victor. GM: “Dear Acolytes, you had asked for a fight of epic proportion… But only one survives. One truly poured their soul out on this field, showed their true grit, and brought creativity to our fight.”
    • “Viago!” The crowd throws up rock fists and screams his name, “just as reckless as every single attack… no rhythm.”
    • “Viago, you have truly brought greatness to my field. You have brought blood and violence… You will join me as we retreat.”
    • “Welcome and good night to D20 Deathmatch!”

Full Dried Blood notes (click to expand)

• Mudcat: “I definitely got to learn to push the audio buttons better.”
• In-ish character (Dried Blood):
  • Viago (2:56:49 area, 1:56:49): “I did the right stretching and I ate all the good vegetables before the match. And I did an ample amount of trash talking.”
  • Tetra (1:57:47): “He was being quite the big asshole… I let him have it, because sometimes every dog needs their day.”
  • Tetra’s parting words (2:02:57): “Do not fight asshole at bottom of ocean.”
  • Viago’s parting words (2:03:06): “Trust your gut. And if anybody was just trying to run away from you, you stop them in their tracks.”
• On the kick: Viago’s player thought Tetra had more left. He was trying to insult her into fighting back.
• The nat 20s: Mike says he has never rolled so many in his life: “It’s the only reason I survived as long as I did.”
• Stun rules: Mudcat says the show has homebrew rules for Stunning Strike in 1v1 PvP so no one is stun-locked. They never came into play.
• The map: from Animated Dungeon Maps (Patreon). Its animation (the beings reaching out) startled Mike. Mike’s prep sheet showed a fire-themed starting page, so he didn’t expect “a beast under the ocean… you put a cat in water.”
• Water: Viago’s player hoped the room would flood (“octopus, activate”). His backup wild shapes were a giant octopus or a giant toad. Mike had a line ready: “You’re just one arm short of my nine lives.” Mudcat: “If we ever reuse this map, that’s happening.”
• Viago’s race (player-stated): in the player’s homebrew world, Viago is an Orochiath, half orc and half Goliath. Both cultures usually despise each other, but this line was “bred through love”: the founders were shunned by their clans and started their own. On this show he is played as half-orc (half human). Caustic Phoenix: “The spirit’s there though.”
• Mike built Tetra small and fast after seeing Viago’s art: “a Manny Pacquiao situation.” Both agree that Sentinel “is disgusting.”