S1E14 — Eyes of Chaos — Lucien v Monteclaire (Season 1 finale)

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For the Season 1 finale, the Grandmaster skipped the far-off realms and held the fight at home, in The Grand Coliseum of The Dread Fortress under the night sky. The silver-tongued half-orc bard Lucien Brack faced the ninety-three-year-old disgraced lord Monteclaire Dufresne in a duel full of balloon swords, sentient pebbles and one very unwelcome song. Then the western wall exploded, a Tarrasque came through it, and the Deathmatch became a war for the Fortress itself. It ended with a turkey dragon, a promise to rebuild, and The Arbiter in the jaws of a monster.

The Story

The Ruler’s Handbook

The night began deep in the Dread Fortress, where the Grandmaster sat on her Iron Throne and drank from a glass. She explained to the Arbiter that this is simply what rulers do: “You sit on a throne and you drink out of a glass and you rule.” He asked whether there was a handbook. There was, she said, a secret one passed only from ruler to ruler: “You would know this if you’re a ruler, but you are not.” The Arbiter took out a small notepad and wrote down that rulers sit and drink.

Next to her throne stood a much smaller and very adorable one, where Doug the Pug sat. When he heard this was the last show of the season, his ears perked up, and he barked so hard it took his entire body. The Grandmaster then nearly called the Arbiter “Grandmaster” by mistake, briefly wondered aloud whether she was giving her throne to him, and settled the matter at once: “Never, no.”

Two Gentlemen at a Column

The Arbiter opened a portal and presented the champions “for the pleasure of your looking balls.” Lucien came through first. He was a very tall, somewhat greenish half-orc with a swimmer’s build and a stiff pompadour, and he bowed until his forehead almost touched the floor:

“I am the wordsmith of kings and queens, the narrator of the nether realms, the orator of the oracles, and I am blessed by your presence.”

Monteclaire was not charmed. “This man sounds like a lot of fluff. I cannot wait to rip that fluffing out of his body.” The Grandmaster noted that the man seemed to be a dictionary, “and that is a hard book to tear apart.”

Through the portal, a cool evening breeze greeted them. The arena was plain stone columns and sand, with The Acolytes ringed all around. The Grandmaster flew up to thank her Acolytes for “the energy, the food, the grandmothers you have sacrificed week after week.” Then she took her seat high above, and Doug appeared beside her. By pure chance both champions landed in the same spot, so the fight opened with the two of them on opposite sides of a twenty-foot column. Peek-a-boo.

The Gift of the Stab

Monteclaire introduced himself as royalty, a former lord of a town who had been kicked out (“We’re not going to talk about that”), and summed up the matchup: “He’s got the gift of the gab, but I got the gift of the stab.” He proved it immediately. He rounded the column and landed a perfect longsword hit, then a second perfect strike with the dagger in his other hand. “I was told there would be blood, but I was unaware there would be so much of yours.”

When Monteclaire tried to mark Lucien as his quarry, Lucien simply talked the spell out of the air. He warned the old man that he was going to “blow your load way too soon,” and that the fates would “only whisper terrible things.” The Grandmaster offered sympathy (“It happens to all of us”). Monteclaire pointed out that he was ninety-three. Lucien: “So it’s happened to you more.”

Lucien then dragged his sword across his shield in a shower of sparks, and a second, spectral blade peeled off the first and slid in behind Monteclaire. His real sword glanced off, so he leaned in and whispered himself a pep talk: “Come on, man, you got this. You promised yourself it wouldn’t happen this time. You got this. People like you.” The Grandmaster loved this so much that she ordered the Arbiter to sew “I am a delight. People like me” inside all of her clothing. He protested that he couldn’t find a tailor over the holidays, was told to learn to sew, and sent a pair of mage hands to her chambers to start stitching. Doug then beat the Arbiter at dice once again. “Classic Doug, always having to one-up me.”

Ear Worms and Balloon Swords

The first chaos event came down through the stands as a woman with bright blue hair and sapphire skin, trailing the longest train anyone had ever seen. Her soft song seeped into the champions’ minds. Monteclaire shook it off, but Lucien froze in place, held still by its beauty. The song turned out to be “I’m blue, da ba dee da ba die.” Monteclaire was horrified: “My God, why? Not this. Take my ears, but not this.” The Grandmaster banished the singer, partly because the arena already had music and partly because “we don’t have the copyrights to that song.”

Monteclaire, a self-described “paladin of retribution,” made full use of his frozen opponent. He stabbed Lucien, offered him a hand up, and then punched him in the face: “this is what we call a southern discomfort.” But a frozen body did not stop a working mind. Lucien’s floating sword kept slashing at Monteclaire at his mental command, and the old man grumbled that he preferred to do his own stabbing. “It’s called delegation,” said the Grandmaster. “It’s a sign of leadership.” Eventually the song crawled out of Lucien’s ear as a little blue worm, a literal ear worm.

The Acolytes cheered loudly enough to set off a second chaos event. A small clown at the edge of the arena, pretending to hide his magic, turned every blade into a brightly colored balloon weapon, Lucien’s magic sword included. When Monteclaire told the clown he was “just annoying, sir,” the clown angrily twisted him a middle-finger balloon. The Arbiter was delighted: “Finally, Grandmaster, a clown with some attitude.”

Rocks, Chickens and an Indecent Proposal

“First, the voice that paralyzed me. Now a clown in the corner. It’s almost like my ex-wife showed up twice.” Lucien brought ten rocks around Monteclaire to life. The pebbles rose, shaking with their newfound sense of identity, turned to look at their creator, and then pummeled the old man while shrieking in tiny voices. Monteclaire smashed one with his balloon rapier, which promptly popped. The Grandmaster’s verdict: “He used the cheap balloons. We don’t pay him a whole lot.” Meanwhile Lucien sent his spectral sword strutting toward Monteclaire like a wrestler coming down the aisle, until everyone realized it had quietly blinked out of existence when he woke the rocks. “If you’re gonna cheat in my game,” the Arbiter said, “be better at it.”

Lucien dedicated his coming victory to an Acolyte named Emu, and the roaring stands blessed both champions. When Monteclaire tried to blink away from the rocks, Lucien talked that spell down too: “The Grandmaster does not like chickens.” (She agreed, and added that she didn’t like turkeys either.) So Monteclaire charged instead. He lost his footing and slid all the way up to Lucien, ending on his knees in front of him. “They call this the halfling power slide.” The Grandmaster asked, “Supplication?” and the Arbiter suggested he had possibly lost control of his bowels too. Monteclaire looked up and asked, “Well, I’m here. What do you want to do with me?” Lucien declined, very politely, and rescinded “any consent you might think has been passed through between us.”

The nine surviving rocks then swarmed him, and six of them hit from every direction. “They will speak of your sacrifice,” Lucien said, as the old man knelt in the sand getting bloodier by the second. Lucien’s balloon longsword finally popped on the spikes of Monteclaire’s shoulder armor. Then Doug began barking frantically, because someone was at the front door. The Grandmaster let him go and check on his own.

The Walls Come Down

When the fight resumed, nobody knew where Doug was. The Grandmaster asked after him; the Arbiter had assumed she was watching him, though she had let him check the door alone. Monteclaire got back on his feet with his real longsword, no longer a balloon, and hit Lucien with a thunderous blow that threw him ten feet into the sand. “I hope you made a will, because you’re about to go down, son.” The rocks, which the table had started calling NSYNC and the Backstreet Boys (“except for JC. He’s gone”), kept circling. The two men traded rare compliments, and Lucien promised a sonnet about Monteclaire’s “glorious first two rounds.”

Then the crowd went silent and stared past the walls. A low rumble followed. The western wall of the Coliseum blew apart as a Tarrasque smashed through, and dozens, if not hundreds, of soldiers of every shape poured into the arena and the stands. Goblins ripped Outbound Emu in half, Shady Man lost a limb, and Kristen took fireballs to the face. The Arbiter teleported in front of the Tarrasque, shouted “No further!” and held it in place with his time magic. He begged the Grandmaster to run.

She refused. “I will not leave my arena. Sound the bells, ring them so that all may know the Dread Fortress is under attack.” She called on her Acolytes to defend their seats and asked the champions to defend “the place I call home.” She gave them two sparkling purple vials that restored them completely and pulled their lost weapons up out of the sand. From a mound of sand rose a large pink chest ringed in magical fire: The Box of Chaos, a secret gift of the arena. Every kill earned blood points, and blood points opened the box. Then she went to the Northern Gate to fetch “one more for this battle,” only to find it bound with locks. “Arbiter, what locks have you put on this?” He was too busy holding back a Tarrasque to help. Doug came flying into the arena and planted himself at the Southern Gate, barking at the next wave.

Horde

The first wave was a bird-man Dogmaster and his two-headed death dogs. “Bring it on, bird boy,” Monteclaire said, taking its javelin, and he clobbered the first dog away from his heels. Lucien told the dogs their brains, “while you have two, are the size of puppies,” and wiped out all three with a single psychic blast. He walked through the fire to the box (“He touched the butt. I’m gonna go touch the butt”) and came out with Keoghtom’s Ointment, a healing jar that smelled of aloe. The rivals had become a team. Lucien cheered Monteclaire on (“I felt the bite of your pointy end”), and Monteclaire answered with a blessing for both of them. Burning trebuchet stones crashed into the arena and the stands (“I’m assuming they’re rocks… Manure’s also flammable”), crushing an Acolyte named Gator and setting him alight. When the Dogmaster dive-bombed Monteclaire, Lucien’s blazing sword split it down the middle, beak and all. “Wings are such an unfair advantage.”

The second wave was a doppelganger, a flameskull and a red dragon wyrmling. The doppelganger took Lucien’s face, which he found offensive: “A lot of energy, a lot of money, a lot of doctors. I’m not gonna just allow you to take my branding.” The fire ring around the box began to pulse outward like a skipping rope. Monteclaire barked a command that left the doppelganger grovelling and the flameskull stuck in place (“Good luck with that pulsating fire, idiots”). The wyrmling’s breath left both champions unscathed and burned only its own allies, and the next pulse of the ring cracked the flameskull into dust. Lucien then rolled his worst possible attempt, tripped and fell on his own blade. He opened his other pocket, where “everyone loves you” was stitched, and the whole arena briefly stopped fighting to chant back at him: “You’re a delight. People like you.”

Monteclaire took the doppelganger off at the knees, so for a moment it looked like Lucien kneeling before him (“now this is what I was imagining happening earlier”), and then stabbed it through the throat. He tossed his blood points to Lucien as little red gems. Lucien’s next trip to the box produced a Mace of Smiting. A horned devil arrived, which Monteclaire greeted with “Hey, Big Horn Daddy, you’re next.” It laughed off Lucien’s first attempt to hold it. On the second try, with the Acolytes lending him their strength, the devil froze in place.

The Turkey Dragon

The last lock clicked, the chains fell, and out of the Northern Gate slithered a turkey dragon. When Lucien pointed out that she hated turkeys, the Grandmaster explained: “I have made a monster in which that I fear as well. I took a note from Batman’s page.” It stomped the wyrmling to death and ignored Monteclaire, who was in the Grandmaster’s good graces. He was horrified anyway: “This is pure nightmare fuel.” Still, he took the turkey’s side over the devil’s (“It is absolutely more haunting than you, Mr. Hornboy”) and banished the devil, which vanished in a puff, furious that it had never gotten to attack. “Be gone, Thot.”

The Grandmaster petted her turkey and ordered the invaders out. They did not leave. Instead a full-grown red dragon landed on top of the turkey and burned both champions badly, and the army in the stands cackled and beat their weapons against their armor. “Out of the frying pan, into the fire,” said Monteclaire. “This is just getting ridiculous,” said Lucien. The turkey dragon answered by spewing a torrent of gigantic, acidic cranberry sauce with a gobble that shook the walls. It puffed itself up into an enormous feather ball, and the red dragon fled. At the table, the hosts later admitted the devil had been meant as the final wave.

We Will Not Forget This Day

With the invaders’ champion gone, the Acolytes fought back and cut the goblins and dragonborn down to size. But the Arbiter had been holding the Tarrasque the entire battle, with sweat pouring down his face. “Grandmaster! I can’t hold it anymore!” The Tarrasque bit down and swallowed him whole. He was clearly still alive inside its mouth. A horn sounded somewhere in the distance, and the beast backed away, shimmering in the moonlight in a way no normal living creature should, and carried him off.

The Grandmaster sank to the ground and put out the box’s fire with a wave. The turkey dragon crawled back into its hole. Doug, who had held his gate the whole time, ran across the sand and leapt into her arms. She called out names in the stands, thanked her Acolytes for rising to greatness, and brought both champions to the center of the arena.

“We are a delight. We are light. And we will never lose. This is our ground. This is our coliseum. This is our home.”

Shaking and holding back tears, she raised both champions’ hands to the sky. She promised to rebuild and to remember the fallen, and she promised that Season 2 would make anyone who dared challenge the Dread Fortress do so with caution: “Their boots will shake.”

Notable Moments

• Lucien won the “who can talk a spell out of existence” contest twice, once by warning Monteclaire he would “blow your load way too soon” and once by calling Monteclaire a chicken.
• The Grandmaster had the Arbiter’s mage hands sew “I am a delight. People like me” into her clothes. Mid-battle, the Acolytes chanted “You’re a delight. People like you” back at Lucien.
• The “halfling power slide” left the ninety-three-year-old on his knees in front of his opponent, making an offer that was politely declined.
• A Tarrasque broke through the Coliseum wall, and the Arbiter held it with time magic for the entire battle before it swallowed him alive.
• Doug held the Southern Gate alone against a horde.
• The Grandmaster’s secret weapon was a turkey dragon that breathes cranberry sauce.

Memorable Quotes

• Monteclaire Dufresne: “He’s got the gift of the gab, but I got the gift of the stab.”
• Lucien Brack: “First, the voice that paralyzed me. Now a clown in the corner. It’s almost like my ex-wife showed up twice.”
• The Arbiter: “Hey, if you’re gonna cheat in my game, be better at it.”
• Lucien Brack: “While I appreciate the offer, I will have to politely decline and rescind any consent you might think has been passed through between us.”
• Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer: “Never before have I asked you to step into the arena, but the arena has now reached out to you. You must defend your seats.”
• Monteclaire Dufresne: “If you’re going to be anything, be efficient. And son, you are efficient at killing.”
• Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer: “I have made a monster in which that I fear as well. I took a note from Batman’s page.”
• Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer: “Season two will have new heights and new battles so that all who enter or dare to challenge the Dread Fortress do so with caution. Their boots will shake.”

Who and What Appears

Characters

Lucien Brack (Timothiusthegr8)

• Look: a greenish, very tall half-orc with a swimmer’s body and a stiff pompadour.
• Style: calls himself “the wordsmith of kings and queens, the narrator of the nether realms, the orator of the oracles.” Obsessed with his “branding.” His look took “a lot of money, a lot of doctors.”
• Personal: has an ex-wife (a running joke).
• Talismans: carries “People like you” and “everyone loves you” stitched inside his clothing and pockets.
• Fighting style: a Valor Bard (per Dried Blood) with a sword and shield. He scrapes the sword on the shield to cast. He was kind and encouraging to Monteclaire once the horde arrived.
• Gained this episode: Keoghtom’s Ointment and a Mace of Smiting from the chaos box.

Monteclaire Dufresne (theshortnord)

• Age and build: 93 years old, apparently a halfling (“halfling power slide,” “small, not-so-big fighter”).
• Background: a former lord of a town who was kicked out. Calls himself royalty and a “paladin of retribution.”
• Style: Southern-styled (“son,” “southern discomfort”). Has spikes on his shoulder armor.
• Weapons: longsword, dagger, rapier and fists. Uses maneuvers (riposte, brace) and smites.
• In this episode:
  • Hates the “I’m Blue” song and the clown.
  • Banished the horned devil.
  • Sides with the turkey dragon while being terrified of it.

Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer (Caustic Phoenix)

• Rule: sits on the Iron Throne in the throne room deep in the Dread Fortress. Keeps a secret ruler’s handbook.
• The Acolytes: wants “I am a delight. People like me” sewn in her clothes. Asked the Acolytes to fight for the first time.
• The turkey dragon: dislikes chickens and turkeys, yet created the turkey dragon and keeps it locked behind the triple-locked Northern Gate.
• The attack: refused to flee. Lost the Arbiter to the Tarrasque and vowed to rebuild for Season 2.

The Arbiter (Mudcat)

• Took notes on how rulers behave. Sent mage hands to sew for the Grandmaster.
• Used time magic to hold the Tarrasque for the whole battle. Was swallowed whole, alive, and carried off.
• Locked the Northern Gate with multiple locks (the Grandmaster blames him).

Doug the Pug

• A “small undead pug” with his own small throne beside the Grandmaster’s.
• Beats the Arbiter’s rolls. Went to check the front door before the attack.
• Flew into the arena and held the Southern Gate alone. Survived.

The blue singer: a sapphire-skinned, blue-haired woman with an endless train, who sang “I’m Blue.” Banished.

The clown: a small balloon-twisting clown who made the balloon weapons. Poorly paid, with “a little bit of edge,” and made a middle-finger balloon.

The ten animated rocks: sentient pebbles with tiny shrill voices. Nine survived the fight; the table nicknamed them NSYNC and the Backstreet Boys, “except for JC.”

The turkey dragon: the Grandmaster’s creation.

• Slithers out of the Northern Gate. Breathes gigantic cranberry sauce (acid) and gobble-roars to terrify foes.
• Stomped the wyrmling and scared off the red dragon, then crawled back into its hole.

The invaders (unknown master):

• The Tarrasque. It shimmers unnaturally in moonlight, retreated at the sound of a horn and carried off the Arbiter.
• Wave 1: death dogs and the Aarakocra “Dogmaster.”
• Wave 2: a doppelganger, a flameskull and a red dragon wyrmling.
• Wave 3: a horned devil.
• Later: a red dragon.
• Troops: hundreds of soldiers, including goblins and dragonborn, plus trebuchets outside the walls.

Named Acolytes

• Outbound Emu (ripped in half by goblins), Shady Man (lost a limb), Kristen (fireballed), Gator (crushed and on fire).
• Phoenix and Vegeta dodged the flaming rocks. Nighttide typed in chat.
• The survivors named in the closing speech: Emty, Vegeta, Tiefling, Shady, Emu, McBluff, Gator, Gunner.

Places

• The throne room deep in the Dread Fortress, with the Grandmaster’s Iron Throne and Doug’s small throne.
• The Grand Coliseum: open to the night sky, with stone columns. Its western wall was destroyed by the Tarrasque.
  • The Northern Gate holds the turkey dragon behind three physical locks.
  • The Southern Gate was held by Doug.
  • Somewhere in the Fortress there is “the front door.”

Items

• The Grandmaster’s purple revitalizing vials: a full restore.
• The pink chest / “box of chaos”: an arena loot chest ringed in magical fire, opened with blood points.
• Blood points: shown as little red gems.
• Keoghtom’s Ointment (Lucien).
• Mace of Smiting (Lucien).
• The balloon weapons: Monteclaire’s rapier and Lucien’s longsword popped. The real weapons were returned from the sand.

Lore statements

• Rulers in the Void (per the Grandmaster) pass down a secret handbook.
• The Dread Fortress was attacked for the first time on the show by an organized army. The Acolytes fought in the stands.
• The Arbiter’s time magic can hold a Tarrasque in place.
• The Tarrasque was “odd for any kind of living being,” inferred possibly not a natural creature. It rests only on the shimmer description at 2:04:04.
• The invaders answered to some commander signalled by a distant horn. Inferred from 2:04:04 and the invaders “waiting… looking for a sign” at 1:58:01. Who leads them is not stated.

Full Round-by-Round

Every beat of the episode, with timestamps (click to expand)

Opening: the throne room

1. 0:00:02 — Setting the scene. Mudcat opens the finale. “Deep in the bowels of this hellish castle lies the throne room where the Grandmaster sits atop Her Iron Throne.” The Arbiter’s feet clack on the stone as he opens the giant doors.
2. 0:00:50 — The ruler’s handbook. The Grandmaster is sitting and drinking from a glass: “That’s what rulers do. You sit on a throne and you drink out of a glass and you rule.”
   • The Arbiter asks if there’s a handbook. She says it is a secret handbook passed only from ruler to ruler: “You would know this if you’re a ruler, but you are not.”
   • The Arbiter takes out a small notepad and notes that rulers sit and drink.
3. 0:01:46 — Doug the Pug. Beside her big throne is a much smaller, adorable throne where Doug the Pug sits.
   • Told it’s the season’s final show, Doug perks his ears. “It takes his entire body to bark.”
   • The Grandmaster slips and nearly calls the Arbiter “Grandmaster.” “Maybe I am giving my throne up to you… Never, no.”
4. 0:02:39 — The champions. The Arbiter opens a portal and introduces them “for the pleasure of your looking balls”: Lucien Brack versus Monteclaire Dufresne.
5. 0:03:13 — Lucien’s entrance. Lucien is a somewhat greenish half-orc: super tall, with “the direct swimmer’s body” and a stiff pompadour.
   • He bows with his forehead almost to the ground: “I am the wordsmith of kings and queens, the narrator of the nether realms, the orator of the oracles, and I am blessed by your presence.”
   • The Arbiter: “Flattery will get you a lot of places here in the Dread Fortress.” The Grandmaster adds her own welcome.
6. 0:04:19 — Monteclaire’s entrance. “This man sounds like a lot of fluff. I cannot wait to rip that fluffing out of his body.”
   • The GM: “The man seems to be a dictionary and that is a hard book to tear apart.”

The arena: the Grand Coliseum

7. 0:05:09 A cool evening breeze greets them through the portal. The arena looks like “a very mundane, standard… battle arena. Almost like a coliseum.”
   • The GM: “For this ending, I take you to no far off location… this is our grand coliseum in the cool of night with the stars overlooking your grand battle.”
   • The Acolytes encircle it. The columns may give cover or a launch point.
8. 0:06:22 — The GM thanks her Acolytes. She flies up and thanks them for “the energy, the food, the grandmothers you have sacrificed week after week.” She promises “nothing short of greatness tonight.” She takes her seat high above, and Doug appears at her side.
9. 0:07:17 — Placement. Both champions roll the same d4 spot, so Mudcat starts them on opposite sides of a 20-ft stone column (“Peek-a-boo”). Initiative: Monteclaire 17, Lucien 8.

Round 1

10. 0:09:39 — Monteclaire’s background. “I am royalty myself, having been a lord of a town. I was kicked out. We’re not going to talk about that.” Then: “He’s got the gift of the gab, but I got the gift of the stab.”
11. 0:10:08 — Two crits. Monteclaire runs up and scores a natural 20 with his longsword, one-handed. He then crits again with the dagger in his other hand: “You seem to be needing some more holes poked in you, son… I was told there would be blood, but I was unaware there would be so much of yours.”
12. 0:11:53 — The countered Hunter’s Mark. Monteclaire tries to cast Hunter’s Mark: “I got you in my sights and I just don’t want you to ever leave.”

• Lucien counterspells it with a speech: “you’re going to blow your load way too soon and you’re going to disappoint everyone here. And then the fates will not sing about you. They will only whisper terrible things.”
• The GM: “It happens to all of us.” Monteclaire: “I am 93 years old.” Lucien: “So it’s happened to you more.”

13. 0:13:45 — Mordenkainen’s sword. Lucien smashes his sword against his shield and drags it along, throwing sparks. A second sword forms from the first and moves behind Monteclaire: Mordenkainen’s Sword cast at 7th level. It hits for force damage.

• Lucien’s own longsword glances off. “Ooh, no, no, that’s not good… It happens to us all.”

14. 0:16:30 — Self-inspiration. Lucien gives himself Bardic Inspiration, whispering: “come on, man, you got this. You promised yourself it wouldn’t happen this time. You got this. People like you.”

• The GM imagines “People like you” sewn inside his jacket.

15. 0:17:50 — The GM’s labels. She orders the Arbiter to sew “I am a delight. People like me” inside all her clothing.

• He objects that it’s the holidays and he can’t find a tailor. She says “You can learn how to sew.”
• He sends a couple of mage hands to her chambers to start sewing the words of affirmation into all her clothing.

16. 0:18:40 — Doug wins again. The Arbiter’s round roll is 13. Doug “throws a 14 once again.” The GM: “A small undead pug can beat you every single time.” The Arbiter: “Classic Doug, always having to one-up me.”

Chaos event 1 — the blue singer (0:19:07)

17. 0:19:58 — The singer. Lucien rolls 17. High in the stands, a woman with bright blue hair and sapphire skin walks down through the crowd. Her robes trail behind her (“the longest train you’ve ever seen”). Her soft song seeps into the champions’ minds.

• Monteclaire saves (27). Lucien fails and is paralyzed for one round, frozen in its beauty.

18. 0:21:24 — Monteclaire recognizes the song. It is “I’m blue, da ba dee da ba die.” Monteclaire: “My God, why? Not this. Take my ears, but not this… I’m gonna be dancing on his corpse to this song.”
19. 0:22:49 — The GM banishes her. “Be gone, foul creature. We already have music here… we don’t have the copyrights to that song.” She banishes the singer from the Coliseum.

Round 2

20. 0:23:19 — Vow of Enmity. “I hate to be doing this to you with listening to this new age hippie music.” Monteclaire casts Vow of Enmity (Channel Divinity).

• He stabs the paralyzed Lucien with a “nice stabby and slashy rapier.” He calls himself “a paladin of retribution.”

21. 0:24:59 — “Southern discomfort.” Monteclaire reaches down as if to help Lucien up, then punches him in the face: “this is what we call a southern discomfort.” The GM: “The shame!”

• Lucien keeps concentration on the sword with “a little tiny orcish grunt.”

22. 0:26:17 — The sword follows. Monteclaire moves to a pillar, and the floating sword takes an opportunity attack.

• Monteclaire: “I prefer doing the stabbing myself, but you youngsters got… new age spells.” The GM: “It’s called delegation. It’s a sign of leadership.”

23. 0:27:41 — Fighting while paralyzed. Ruling: Lucien can’t move his body, but his mind can still move the sword. He wills it into another hit, for 34 force total from the sword.

• Monteclaire: “Every problem has a solution.” Arbiter: “But does every solution have a problem?”

24. 0:28:55 — The ear worm. The song slips from Lucien’s brain “as if a little blue worm now crawls out from your ear, a literal ear worm.” The GM also riffs on “an ale worm… it’s been in the ale for a while.”
25. 0:29:20 The Arbiter rolls 18. “I was cheered on by the Acolytes,” and they trigger another chaos event.

Chaos event 2 — balloon weapons (0:29:36)

26. 0:30:24 — The clown. Monteclaire rolls a 10 (“I’m average, which is good for any man”). Lucien: “All great heroes die.”

• Every sharp weapon pops and becomes a brightly colored balloon weapon, made by a small clown at the side who pretends to hide the magic.
• It lasts two rounds and covers Lucien’s magic sword too. The balloons deal “balloon damage.”
• A balloon that breaks may not be traded back for the real weapon.

Round 3

27. 0:32:10 — Toll the Dead. Monteclaire’s balloon squeaks against the magic sword: “I feel like I’m fighting a child, like at a party.” He casts Toll the Dead. Lucien’s inspiration doesn’t save him: “Ow! Ugh! What is that terrible sound?”

• Monteclaire then Misty Steps 30 ft away.

28. 0:34:45 — The clown’s reply. Monteclaire scolds the clown: “They’re not here for your entertainment… He can speak. I can stab. And you, you’re just annoying, sir.”

• The clown angrily twists a middle-finger balloon. Lucien: “It’s not a snake. I made you a snake.” The Arbiter: “Finally… a clown with some attitude… A true professional.”

29. 0:35:56 — The rocks. Lucien peeks around the pillar: “First, the voice that paralyzed me. Now a clown in the corner. It’s almost like my ex-wife showed up twice.”

• He casts Animate Objects on ten rocks around Monteclaire. The pebbles rise “shaking with energy with their newfound sense of identity.” They face their creator, then turn on Monteclaire and pummel him with tiny shrill voices. Three hit.
• The GM: “In the words of Tim Gunn, make it work.”

30. 0:39:13 — The balloon rapier pops. Monteclaire ripostes with his balloon rapier and destroys one rock. The rapier pops and is gone. The GM: “He used the cheap balloons. We don’t pay him a whole lot.”

• Monteclaire asks for a token so he can attack the clown. The Arbiter: “I have a new enemy… I already need to make 10 rocks.”

31. 0:41:04 — The sword that wasn’t there. Lucien sends his sword toward Monteclaire in “a wrestling strut… Razor Ramon coming down the aisle.” The table then realizes Animate Objects is concentration, so the sword had already vanished.

• Lucien: “Check your concentration, ladies and gentlemen.” Arbiter: “If you’re gonna cheat in my game, be better at it.”
• Monteclaire’s headcanon: it disappeared mid-strut. Asked whether he thinks it’s invisible: “There’s a lot of fuckery happening.”

32. 0:43:12 — The dedication. Lucien picks someone in the stands: “this victory will be for the one next to you.” The GM: Nighttide typed last, and next to him is Emu, so “this is for Emu.”

• The roaring Acolytes award both champions a hero point.

33. 0:44:04 The Arbiter rolls 17. “Doug doesn’t move, doesn’t feel bothered to need to prove himself.”

Round 4

34. 0:44:30 — “Bring the pain.” The Arbiter: “this is a season finale and you haven’t wowed us yet.”
35. 0:44:58 — Chickens. Monteclaire tries to flee the rocks with another Misty Step: “I’m not going to be rolling with these rocks.” Lucien counterspells: “you can’t keep running. The Grandmaster does not like chickens.” GM: “I don’t like chickens and I don’t like turkeys.”
36. 0:45:37 — The power slide. Monteclaire disengages and charges straight at Lucien. He fails an athletics check, loses control of his body, and slides right up to Lucien and ends on his knees in front of him: “They call this the halfling power slide.”

• GM: “Supplication?” The Arbiter adds “possibly your bowels.” Monteclaire: “I am old.”

37. 0:47:16 — The proposal. Looking up: “Well, I’m here. What do you want to do with me?” His Persuasion beats Lucien’s Insight. The Arbiter: “He makes you an indecent proposal… Doesn’t seem like his heart’s in it.”

• Lucien: “I only like 100%, 100% of the time… while I appreciate the offer, I will have to politely decline and rescind any consent you might think has been passed through between us.”

38. 0:48:46 — The rock barrage. Lucien bonks him on the head with the balloon sword, and it holds with a squeak.

• The nine rocks bounce over. Monteclaire: “I’m getting attacked by the little troll rocks from frickin’…” GM: “Frozen.”
• Lucien reads the spell text and asks, “Montclair, can you read?” Monteclaire: “I know there’s letters.” GM: the rocks attack “while Montclair is trying to sound out some words we threw in the sand for him.”
• Six rocks hit from every direction. Lucien: “They will speak of your sacrifice.” Monteclaire is “looking very bloody.”

39. 0:53:01 — The balloon longsword pops. Lucien’s second balloon strike lands with Bardic Inspiration (“Going for the gold”). He tries Searing Smite, but it’s ruled out because he’s already used his bonus action.

• Monteclaire: “I’m remembering I’m on my knees just getting pummeled.”
• The balloon longsword pops on the spikes on Monteclaire’s shoulder.

40. 0:54:46 — Doug at the door. The Arbiter rolls 8. Doug starts barking frantically: someone is at the front door. The GM lets him check it alone and calls a break: “watch the halftime show.”

Round 5 (after the break)

41. 0:55:31 — Doug is missing. The GM asks where he is. The Arbiter assumed she was watching him.

• She went for water and popcorn and told Doug he could check the door alone. “I’m sure Doug will be back soon. Doing pug things.” The Arbiter: Doug can watch the VOD.

42. 0:56:48 — Thunderous Smite. “His jaw’s loose from all the rocks hitting him across the face.” Monteclaire stands: “you may have a rock army but… let’s see how you do against some real elements.”

• He casts Thunderous Smite and hits with his longsword, “no longer a balloon” (“this long, long, long, not average sword”).
• Lucien is knocked back 10 ft and prone. Bleeding against the pillar, Monteclaire says: “I hope you made a will, because you’re about to go down, son… I’m in my 90s.”

43. 1:00:36 — The boy bands. Lucien holds concentration and the rocks keep circling (“Both NSYNC and the Backstreet Boys are still there except for JC. He’s gone”).

• Monteclaire: “I’m in danger… if I’m gonna go out, I may as well get banged to death by these rocks.”
• Monteclaire: “You are a true adversary, young poet.” Lucien: “I will write a sonnet about this and about you and about your glorious first two rounds.” Monteclaire: “that’s about the review I get every time.”

The attack on the Dread Fortress (1:02:25)

44. 1:02:25 — Silence. The crowd goes deadly quiet, all looking past the arena walls. Lucien: “Watch out, my ex-wife’s back.” A low rumble follows.
45. 1:02:53 — The Tarrasque. The western wall of the Coliseum is blown apart as a Tarrasque breaks through. It throws debris across the field and chomps at the walls.

• Dozens, if not hundreds, of soldiers “of all types and shapes” flood into the arena and the stands.
• The Acolytes are attacked:
  • Outbound Emu is ripped in half by goblins.
  • Shady Man has a limb chopped off.
  • Kristen is hit in the face with fireballs.
• Lucien is thrown to the middle of the arena.

46. 1:04:25 — The Arbiter holds the Tarrasque. The Arbiter teleports in front of it: “No further!” He holds it in place with his time magic. “Grandmaster, you have to get to safety.”
47. 1:04:58 — The Grandmaster’s stand.

• She refuses: “I will not leave my arena. Sound the bells… the Dread Fortress is under attack.”
• To the Acolytes: “never before have I asked you to step into the arena, but the arena has now reached out to you. You must defend your seats.”
• She flies down to the champions: “The Dread Fortress is at risk of being taken over. I implore you to join my ranks and defend not only these stone halls, but the place I call home.”

48. 1:05:45 — Her gifts.

• Two sparkling purple vials restore them fully, as if after a long rest.
• She summons their lost weapons up from the sand. “Do not let go of them.”
• A mound of sand reveals a large pink chest ringed in magical fire: “a secret gift of this arena. A loot chest.” The fire only burns those who enter it, and it’s there so their opponents can’t reach the chest.
• Kills earn blood points, and blood points open the chest. Mudcat: each kill is one point, three points buy one roll, and points can be shared. Chat grants one reroll.
• Mudcat calls it “a box of chaos” and “this magical chaos box”. Touching it sends chaotic energy surging through the body.

49. 1:07:26 — The Northern Gate. “I leave you to defend while I go grab one more for this battle.” She moves to the Northern Gate, which is fastened with multiple locks: “Arbiter, what locks have you put on this?” He’s too busy straining under the Tarrasque to help.
50. 1:08:50 — Doug returns. Doug flies into the arena and guards the Southern Gate, barking his head off. More waves are coming.

Horde wave 1 — death dogs and the Aarakocra Dogmaster

51. 1:10:02 — The first strikes. An Aarakocra commanding two-headed death dogs rolls a nat 20 on initiative. It throws a javelin into Monteclaire: “Bring it on, bird boy. I’ve taken a lot more damage from a lot less sharp things today.”

• It clacks its beak and sends a death dog in. Monteclaire uses Brace and clobbers it: “Be gone, evil mutt. Get off my heels.”

52. 1:12:38 — Synaptic Static. Lucien points at the dogs: “Your brains, while you have two, are the size of puppies. And therefore, I tell you to be gone.”

• Synaptic Static kills all three death dogs, earning 3 blood points.

53. 1:15:05 — The chest’s first prize. “You must touch the box.” Lucien: “He touched the butt. I’m gonna go touch the butt.”

• He crosses the fire, takes a little damage, and rolls badly. He uses chat’s reroll and gets item B. The GM: “a small B comes buzzing out. No, I’m just kidding.”
• He gets Keoghtom’s Ointment: a glass jar smelling of aloe with four charges. It heals, cures poison and disease, and can be shared with his fellow champion.

54. 1:18:04 — Combat inspiration. Lucien gives Monteclaire combat inspiration: “good sir, you have this. I believe in you. I felt the bite of your pointy end. And I don’t recommend it for other people.”
55. 1:19:18 — Bless and the pillar. Monteclaire: “You’ve been nothing but gracious this entire fight, even though you did quite handily put me on my knees. Allow me to return the favor.”

• He casts Bless on both of them. “I’m kind of old. I move pretty slow.” He ducks behind a pillar to break the Aarakocra’s line of sight.
• The death dog misses him twice. “Aha, jebaited.” His riposte “slice[s] both your heads off at once,” obliterating it.

Chaos event 3 — trebuchets (1:21:58)

56. 1:22:08 — Flaming rocks. Creaking trebuchets beyond the walls hurl giant flaming rocks onto the arena and into the stands. “I’m assuming they’re rocks… Manure’s also flammable.”

• Lucien rolls a nat 1 and takes the full blast. Monteclaire takes half, and the Aarakocra is hit too.
• In the stands:
  • Phoenix (nat 20) dances through the rocks.
  • Gator is crushed and set on fire.
  • Vegeta sidesteps but feels the heat.

57. 1:24:41 — Defending the gates. Doug’s bark echoes down the south hall and holds back another horde: “He is the defender of the south gate.” The GM opens the first of the Northern Gate’s locks: “Two more physical locks to go.”
58. 1:25:19 — The dive. The Aarakocra Dogmaster flies up and dive-bombs Monteclaire, eagle-slicing him with its talons.
59. 1:26:35 — The cleave. Lucien drags his sword through the flames and casts Searing Smite (“Time to leave a mark”). He steps beside Monteclaire and gives him a little pat on the shoulder, then strikes. The flaming sword comes down on top of the Aarakocra’s head and cleaves it in two so the beak splits: “perfect side-by-side symmetry.” Lucien: “Wings are such an unfair advantage, always unfair.”

Horde wave 2 — doppelganger, flameskull, red dragon wyrmling

60. 1:28:54 — Wave 2 arrives. The Acolytes hold off the first brunt. Then a doppelganger, a flameskull and a red dragon wyrmling surround the champions.

• The doppelganger takes Lucien’s shape. Lucien: “it took me a long time to do this. A lot of energy, a lot of money, a lot of doctors. I’m not gonna just allow you to take my branding.”
• Its speech is “a foul mimic of human speech.” The GM: “Why does it sound like a Dalek?”

61. 1:30:22 — “Who summoned these menagerie of beasts?”

• The Grandmaster asks the champions to cover her while she unlocks “an ungodly beast.”
• The Arbiter (see Who’s talking) urges her to run. She refuses: “I will never, ever give up the reins of D20 Deathmatch.”
• The Arbiter: “I can’t hold this Tarrasque much longer.”

Chaos event 4 — the pulsing ring of fire (1:31:18)

62. 1:31:32 — The ring pulses. The GM rolls 13. The chest’s fire ring grows and pulses out in waves that everyone must jump: once at the start of the round and once at the end, stronger the second time. “Jump is like hopscotch… Jump rope.”

• Lucien barely gets singed. Monteclaire fails even after spending his combat inspiration.

63. 1:34:05 — The flameskull. It hits Monteclaire with a 3rd-level magic missile and a fire ray: “I do not like this flaming skull one bit.”
64. 1:35:17 — Command. “Y’all just coming in here interrupting my near-death experience… take a chill pill.” Monteclaire casts Command at 3rd level on all three.

• The doppelganger grovels prone. The flameskull can’t be prone, so he orders it to halt. The wyrmling resists.
• “Good luck with that pulsating fire, idiots.”

65. 1:37:11 — The kind exchange.

• Monteclaire: “I always believe it’s nice to see the youth of today just handling business… you’re always inspiring others.”
• Lucien: “You’re a fine, fine young chap. And I apologize for beating you senseless with rocks.”
• Monteclaire: “If you’re going to be anything, be efficient. And son, you are efficient at killing.”

66. 1:37:52 — Friendly fire. The wyrmling’s fire breath hits everyone. Monteclaire rolls a nat 20 and takes nothing; Lucien uses Shield Master and takes nothing. Only its allies burn: “Literal friendly fire.”

• The second, stronger pulse of the ring makes the flameskull’s bone crack, and it explodes into dust powder. GM: “Don’t breathe it in. That’s actually very dangerous for your lungs.”
• No blood point, since no champion made the kill.

67. 1:40:58 — The nat 1. “I really don’t like the look of my doppelganger.” Lucien scrapes sword on shield again and summons Mordenkainen’s Sword behind the wyrmling. He rolls a natural 1. He trips and falls on his own blade.
68. 1:42:49 — The other pocket. Lucien: “that was not the intended purpose. Everything is fine.” He opens his other pocket, which has “everyone loves you” stitched inside: “You were right. I’m good at this.”

• The GM: “You’re a delight. People like you.” The Acolytes pause mid-fight, turn to him and chorus “you’re a delight. People like you,” then go back to throwing blows.

69. 1:43:39 — The doppelganger dies. Monteclaire drops Bless and casts Searing Smite: “I don’t like there being two of them… This one just doesn’t have the charm.”

• He cuts it off at the knees so it looks like Lucien on his knees: “now this is what I was imagining happening earlier.” Then he stabs it through the throat. It chokes on its own blood and dies.

71. 1:45:49 — The wyrmling. Monteclaire slices “this little baby bird of a dragon” with his longsword and searing fire. It survives, its little wings shaking as it “rears back roaring at you in its cute little way.”

• “Hey, Big Horn Daddy, you’re next. He looks like a terrifying Krampus.”

72. 1:47:59 — The red gems. Monteclaire tosses his blood points to Lucien. They fly across as little red gems. Lucien: “Oh, courteous of you.” The wyrmling bites Monteclaire.
73. 1:49:02 — Hold Monster. Lucien walks back through the flames toward the chest. “You just stay there, big fella. I’ll be back.” He casts Hold Monster on the devil, which saves and just laughs at him.

• His second chest roll produces a Mace of Smiting, which can be shared.

74. 1:51:20 — The neck. Lucien inspires Monteclaire: “Don’t let the little bird get you down. All’s we gotta do is grab him by the neck and twist real hard. Bird’s dead.”

• Monteclaire: “I feel like that’s most creatures.” Lucien: “The neck is the weak spot. And just birds.”

75. 1:52:10 — The devil is held. Lucien spends his hero point on a second Hold Monster (“Fuck it”). The Acolytes’ “wisdom, their strength, they give unto you.” The horned devil is paralyzed.

The turkey dragon (1:53:38)

76. 1:53:38 — The gate opens. “Please open. Please. Is this the right key?” The third lock clicks, the chains around the gate drop, and the gate opens. “Come out, foul beast… Come defend me.” Out slithers a turkey dragon.
77. 1:54:25 — “Of my own creation.” Lucien: “I thought you said you hated turkeys.” GM: “I have made a monster which I fear as well. I took a note from Batman’s page.” Lucien: “You take your fear and you make it your strength… Branding.”

• The turkey dragon stomps the wyrmling to death. It ignores Monteclaire, since he is in the Grandmaster’s good graces.
• Monteclaire: “This is pure nightmare fuel. I’ve been brought to… a hellish landscape of chaos.”

78. 1:55:24 — Banishment. The devil burns resistances trying to break the hold. Monteclaire: “I’m gonna side with the turkey on this one. It is absolutely more haunting than you, Mr. Hornboy.”

• He casts Banishment and spends his hero point to give the devil disadvantage. It fails.
• The paralyzed devil, “angry that he never got to attack,” realizes what’s happening, eyes aflame, and poof, he’s gone. Monteclaire: “Be gone, Thot.” He kneels on one knee to hold concentration.

79. 1:58:01 — The stands wait. The Grandmaster pets her turkey dragon: “It turns out I should have just trusted our champions to begin with.”

• The invaders in the stands pause but don’t run. “It’s like they’re holding their breath, waiting, looking for a sign.”
• GM: “He’s gone. Leave this place or we’ll have your lives.”

80. 1:58:44 — The red dragon. At the sound of wings, a red dragon lands on the turkey dragon and breathes fire on the champions. Both fail and are badly burned.

• Monteclaire: “Out of the frying pan, into the fire. Am I right, Lucien?” Lucien: “this is just getting ridiculous.”
• The invading army cackles at the Grandmaster, beating weapons against their chests and armor and roaring in the stands.

81. 2:00:30 — Cranberry sauce. “You have to fight now, go!” The turkey dragon’s claws miss. Then it unleashes a barrage of gigantic cranberry sauce from its mouth (acid damage), with a giant gobble roar that shakes the rocks and walls.

• The red dragon is frightened. The turkey puffs itself up, “massive, looking like the giant feather ball that it is,” claws the ground in dirt, dust and cranberry sauce.
• The dragon flies away.

Aftermath — the Arbiter taken (2:03:05)

82. 2:03:05 — The Acolytes win. With “their champion now gone,” the Acolytes fight back harder and overpower the invaders, chopping goblins and dragonborn down to size. The Arbiter is still holding the Tarrasque, sweat pouring down his face.
83. 2:03:59 — The Arbiter is swallowed. Arbiter: “Grandmaster! I can’t hold it anymore!” He loses control. The Tarrasque bites down and swallows him whole, carrying him in its mouth. He is visibly not dead, still alive inside.

• A large horn sounds in the distance and the Tarrasque backs off. It shimmers “in a way that a normal creature wouldn’t shimmer in the moonlight… odd for any kind of living being.” It leaves the field with the Arbiter.

84. 2:05:00 — The Coliseum goes dark. The Grandmaster collapses to the ground. With a wave she puts out the chaos box’s fire. “The coliseum now dark and cold. The only heat here is that from the blood spilled upon this ground.”

• The turkey dragon crawls back into its hole. “I know this is a victory, but we have lost much today.”

85. 2:05:00 — Doug survives. Doug runs across the arena, having held his gate the whole time, and leaps into her arms, “scared and terrified in his own way.”
86. 2:06:21 — The survivors. She names Acolytes in the stands: Emty, Vegeta, Tiefling, Shady, Emu, McBluff, Gator, Gunner. “Thank you, Acolytes, for never giving up. For fighting for this home that we have… today you had to rise to greatness.”
87. 2:06:21 — The speech. She calls both champions to the center.

• “while we are down one who’s most dear to me.” She looks at the hole the Tarrasque carved. “We will not forget this day.”
• “Look first to the sky, the stars that have witnessed us all. Down to the very sands, nothing will forget what we have done here today. We are a delight. We are light. And we will never lose. This is our ground. This is our coliseum. This is our home.”

88. 2:08:27 — Season two. She raises both champions’ hands to the sky, holding back tears and visibly shaking.

• “blood is spilled, but it does not keep us down… We will begin to rebuild… We will remember those who have fallen.”
• “Season two will have new heights and new battles so that all who enter or dare to challenge the Dread Fortress do so with caution. Their boots will shake.”
• “Welcome and good night to D20 Deathmatch!”

Full Dried Blood notes (click to expand)

• Mudcat: the episode was a playtest of “our brand new mode in the arena… Horde mode and the Box of Chaos.”
• Mike (theshortnord):
  • His third time on the show: he playtested before the show started, then “a big, burly fighter,” now “a small, not-so-big fighter.”
  • Monteclaire was built for a “Tasha’s” one-shot. He’s “an absolute asshole,” made “all fluff and pompous.” Lucien’s kindness made him feel like more of one.
  • Turkeys are “dicks,” so the turkey dragon was real nightmare fuel for him.
  • Final wisdom: try voices. He “made up” the niece-and-nephew babysitting story and reads Harry Potter with voices to himself.
• Tim (Timothiusthegr8):
  • Lucien comes from Tim’s character in “the Giants one that 5E released” (based on Against the Giants). There he only reached 8th level.
  • Animate Objects made that DM rage-quit. Lucien is a half-orc Valor Bard who keeps getting back up at 0 HP.
  • Chaos events keep him paying attention. He mentions Robear’s games and “Brucie,” another of his characters.
  • DM advice: “reskin things… fuck the CR rating. Just make it fair.” Final wisdom: try the game once.
• Chaos events and the turkey dragon:
  • Mudcat credits the chaos events to Caustic Phoenix, including the turkey dragon.
  • Caustic Phoenix drew the turkey dragon for Thanksgiving. Mudcat homebrewed “the cranberry and gravy breath.” Its stats are comparable to an ancient amethyst dragon, and it is “bigger than a red dragon.”
  • Caustic Phoenix is “still working my way to 20” chaos events, aiming for 100, and changes the table so no one knows what a 13 is. All chaos events are reskinnable (“a hamster in a ball”).
• The horned devil was meant to be the final wave. After it was commanded and banished, Mudcat brought in the red dragon.
• Caustic Phoenix: “Shoredward was about to rage quit on the clown.” Mudcat: “I can just keep bringing out monsters until you’re dead.”