First appearance: S1E14 — Eyes of Chaos — Lucien v Monteclaire (Season 1 finale) · watch it on YouTube
Monteclaire Dufresne is a 93-year-old, Southern-drawling halfling who calls himself royalty and “a paladin of retribution.” He faced Lucien Brack in the Season 1 finale, S1E14 — Eyes of Chaos — Lucien v Monteclaire (Season 1 finale). He opened the fight with a ferocious flurry and spent much of the middle on his knees being beaten by enchanted pebbles. When an invading army tore through the arena walls, he ended the night as Lucien’s ally and one of the Coliseum’s defenders.
Story
Eyes of Chaos
Monteclaire came through the Arbiter’s portal into the Dread Fortress already unimpressed by his flowery opponent: “This man sounds like a lot of fluff. I cannot wait to rip that fluffing out of his body.” The fight was held in the Grand Coliseum under the night stars. He introduced himself as a former lord of a town who had been kicked out (“We’re not going to talk about that”) and promised that while Lucien had the gift of the gab, “I got the gift of the stab.” He backed it up at once. He charged and landed two perfect strikes in a row, first with his longsword and then with the dagger in his other hand. “I was told there would be blood, but I was unaware there would be so much of yours.” Lucien talked his next spell clean out of the air, warning him he was “going to blow your load way too soon and you’re going to disappoint everyone here.” When the Grandmaster offered that “It happens to all of us,” Monteclaire reminded everyone that he was 93 years old. Lucien replied, “So it’s happened to you more.”
Then the chaos started. A blue-haired singer drifted through the stands crooning “I’m Blue,” which Monteclaire recognized with horror (“Take my ears, but not this”). He shrugged off the song while Lucien froze in place. He used the opening to swear an oath of enmity, stab the paralyzed bard with his rapier, and offer him a helping hand that became a punch to the face: “this is what we call a southern discomfort.” A clown then turned every blade in the arena into a balloon, and Monteclaire scolded him with grandfatherly contempt. The clown answered by twisting a middle-finger balloon. Lucien brought ten rocks to life, and they swarmed Monteclaire with tiny shrill voices. His balloon rapier smashed one of them and popped, and the rest kept pummelling him. When he tried to blink away, Lucien stopped him again, noting that the Grandmaster does not like chickens. Monteclaire charged instead, lost his footing and skidded to a stop on his knees right in front of Lucien. “They call this the halfling power slide.” The Arbiter suggested he might have lost control of “possibly your bowels” too. From the ground he looked up and asked, “Well, I’m here. What do you want to do with me?” The Arbiter called it an indecent proposal, and Lucien politely declined, rescinding “any consent you might think has been passed through between us.” By the fifth round Monteclaire was badly bloodied. He found his feet, his longsword was “no longer a balloon,” and he knocked Lucien flat with a thunderclap of a blow. Bleeding against a pillar as the rocks kept circling, he decided that “if I’m gonna go out, I may as well get banged to death by these rocks.” He then admitted, with real respect, “You are a true adversary, young poet.”
Then the crowd went silent. A Tarrasque smashed through the western wall, and dozens, if not hundreds, of soldiers poured into the arena and the stands. In the stands, Outbound Emu was ripped in half by goblins, Shady Man had a limb chopped off and Kristen took fireballs to the face. The Grandmaster restored both champions with sparkling purple vials, pulled their lost weapons up from the sand, and asked them to defend her home. She also revealed a fire-ringed loot chest, which was the Box of Chaos, that rewarded kills. Monteclaire took a javelin from an Aarakocra dogmaster (“Bring it on, bird boy”), clubbed one death dog off his heels, and sliced both heads off another in a single stroke. He blessed himself and Lucien, the man who had just beaten him senseless with rocks. When the second wave arrived, he barked a magical command at a doppelganger, a flameskull and a red dragon wyrmling, leaving the doppelganger grovelling and the skull frozen: “Good luck with that pulsating fire, idiots.” The doppelganger had stolen Lucien’s face, so Monteclaire cut it off at the knees, “now this is what I was imagining happening earlier,” and then ran it through the throat, and it choked to death on its own blood. He tossed his hard-earned spoils across to Lucien as little red gems so the bard could open the chest.
The Grandmaster unleashed her secret weapon, a turkey dragon of her own creation, and Monteclaire was openly terrified of it. Even so, when a horned devil was left paralyzed, he chose his side: “I’m gonna side with the turkey on this one. It is absolutely more haunting than you, Mr. Hornboy.” He banished the devil from the arena with a curt “Be gone, Thot.” A red dragon then landed on the turkey and scorched both champions (“Out of the frying pan, into the fire. Am I right, Lucien?”), but the turkey drove it off with a barrage of cranberry sauce. The Acolytes overwhelmed the invaders, and the Tarrasque withdrew with the Arbiter in its mouth. Monteclaire and Lucien both survived. The Grandmaster called them to the center of the darkened Coliseum and raised both their hands to the sky, so the night ended in a shared victory.
Personality and Abilities
Monteclaire is small, old and very proud of himself. He wears shoulder armor with spikes on it, which popped Lucien’s balloon sword. He calls younger men “son,” complains about “new age hippie music” and “new age spells,” and plays up his age whenever he takes a beating (“I am old,” “I’m kind of old. I move pretty slow”). At the table, his player admitted Monteclaire was built to be “an absolute asshole,” all fluff and pompous. Lucien’s relentless kindness only made him feel like more of one, and over the night his sneering slowly turned into genuine respect.
In a fight he is a scrappy swordsman who switches between longsword, dagger, rapier and bare fists. He likes to answer missed attacks with quick counterstrikes and to brace against charging enemies. He backs up his blade with holy magic: blazing and thunderous smites, blessings, a commanding word and the power to banish a foe from the field entirely. He also hides behind pillars when he needs to, and keeps a dry quip ready for every indignity.
Relationships
- Lucien Brack: His opponent, who humiliated him with rocks and then became his comrade. Monteclaire called him “a true adversary” and told him “son, you are efficient at killing.”
- Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer: Answered her call to defend the Coliseum. She raised his hand in victory, and her turkey dragon spared him because he was in her good graces.
- The clown: An instant enemy. Monteclaire called him “just annoying, sir” and got a middle-finger balloon in return.
- The turkey dragon: “Pure nightmare fuel” to him, though he still sided with it against the horned devil.
Memorable Quotes
“He’s got the gift of the gab, but I got the gift of the stab.” (Eyes of Chaos)
“Well, I’m here. What do you want to do with me?” (Eyes of Chaos)
- “I was told there would be blood, but I was unaware there would be so much of yours.” (Eyes of Chaos)
- “They call this the halfling power slide.” (Eyes of Chaos)
- “You are a true adversary, young poet.” (Eyes of Chaos)
- “I’m gonna side with the turkey on this one. It is absolutely more haunting than you, Mr. Hornboy.” (Eyes of Chaos)