S5E6 — American Amphibian — King Man Frog Bofus v Richard Knottley

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With protesters chanting outside the Dread Fortress and the Lord of Fate too busy brooding at a window to remember it was Deathmatch day, Thea took matters into her own tiny hands. She kidnapped two champions and rented a cut-price wedding venue for the fight. On top of the Crimson Keep, King “Man Frog” Bofus, a British frog king who fights by pulling frogs out from under his mask, faced Richard Knottley, a banned-from-Denny’s Peloton instructor in a tinfoil hat. The result was a war of insults, fake mustaches and orifices, and it ended with nobody left standing.

The Story

A Protest at the Fortress

The episode opened on an unusual crowd outside the Dread Fortress, yelling, stomping and waving picket signs. Inside, the Lord of Fate stared out a window until Thea crept up behind him with a notepad. She explained she had been waiting for him to finish “that thing that you do where you look out windows and you breathe heavily for a while.” The signs were about the Grandmaster being in prison, which Thea pointedly called “that big thing that you did at the very start of the season.” The Lord of Fate was baffled. “They’re protesting me!”

He asked Thea to name ways he hadn’t been a good leader. She complained that she hadn’t earned as many stars as she wanted, so he took her pen and carved another into her forehead. She added that the cookies were sometimes stale, “like you didn’t even remember there was a deathmatch.” In fact he had forgotten. When he said he’d be ready “in a few days,” Thea had to tell him: “It’s today!” He insisted that watching people was his job. He also made a plan to win over the crowd: “We’ll give them blood and violence to distract them from how terrible their lives are.” Thea noted this had happened “in another plane in a time of history” and that she was sure “that empire is still around.”

Two Kidnapped Champions

Pink dust flew out of Thea’s butt in a fart and left a purple, glittering portal behind it. Out of it came the two champions she had been keeping in the back locker room. Richard Knottley’s first question was a fair one: “Who are you people and where is my horse?” Thea admitted she hadn’t told them anything. She had “just kind of kidnapped them.” The Lord of Fate sighed that they didn’t do that anymore. “We used to do that, but then we got a lot of complaints.”

Richard introduced himself as a former Peloton instructor. “I’m not allowed in a couple of counties anymore.” He revealed that the online classes are a conspiracy and that Peloton instructors really meet at Denny’s, where the bikes “are not stationary.” His online name was Dick Twist, “on account of my dance moves,” though he declined to demonstrate because he wasn’t wearing pants. His opponent introduced himself in grander terms:

King Bofus: “I’m a king, you see. King of the frog people, man people frogs. 50% man, 50% frog, and 100%… something else.”

Bofus wore a green frog mask with two cartoonish hand-drawn eyes. He promptly nicknamed Richard “Mr. Tinfoil.” The pre-fight chatter wandered into the Fortress gym, where the chinchillas and goblins lift weights. The Lord of Fate had never visited it, because “I like to work out in privacy.” The chinchillas, he added, are the Fortress’s security and “highly unionized.” Bofus noticed something chinchilla-like on Richard’s lip, and Richard insisted it was “a very real, very legitimate mustache.”

Then Thea opened the portal to the arena. She bent over and released a thunderous fart, far too loud for a two-foot imp, which tore open a hole a whale could swim through. Bofus had seen enough: “I vote we join the rioters and we overthrow these two.”

The Crimson Keep

Past the smell of old Oreos, burritos and nacho cheese, they arrived on top of a crumbling crimson castle. Bats clung to its silhouette waiting for sundown, and a cold wind blew across the roof. Thea was proud of the deal: “I got it really cheap because apparently other people keep dying here.” Cleaning was included.

Thea’s mood soured when she mentioned the PTO she had booked for February. The Lord of Fate explained that she was a worm he had turned into an imp and given a bedroom, which made her a 1099 independent contractor at best, with no paid time off. When the subject turned to taxes, Bofus pointed out: “I am a king. I do not pay taxes. I receive them. Your taxes probably.” Thea flew to the stands with drooping wings, and the Lord of Fate gave her “the afternoon off. No pay.” Then he flared his white wings. The acolytes went wild, throwing beers and punching each other, and one was tossed over the rail. He landed between the champions and splatted into a million pieces.

Snickers, Frogs and Cheeseburgers

Richard struck first, and he began with a sponsor plug for his conspiracy webinar. Then he hurled a half-eaten Snickers at the frog. Bofus answered with a retort so crude, “But what if you suck both of these nuts?”, that it took shape as a shield and deflected the candy bar. Richard needed a stretch, so Thea did jumping jacks beside him. Then she volunteered to be his weapon. He threw her face-first like a javelin. Bofus’s tongue shot out from under the mask and caught her mid-air, soaking her in drool. “I guess I needed a shower. Thank you.”

Richard charged to rip the mask off, and Bofus simply stepped aside. Then Bofus reached under the mask with both hands and began flinging frogs. The first volley missed. The second fumbled badly and left him winded. The Lord of Fate reminded everyone that a champion worn down too far simply dies. The third volley landed: tiny multicoloured frogs “like skittles with arms and legs and slime.” One went down Richard’s throat and briefly blocked his windpipe. “Many, many perish in war at the will of kings,” Bofus declared. “I’m British. I’m allowed to say this.”

Bofus refused to rest, calling that “for coward.” Instead he pulled cheeseburgers out of his boots and built a fortress of them to distract Richard, on the grounds that “he recognizes his own kind.” More frogs followed, aimed at “any orifice.” Richard was rattled: “I no longer know if I’m the heel or the hero anymore.” The Lord of Fate thought they were both heels. At the end of the round Thea tried to pass off a bad roll as a good one. She muttered: “Now I know why everybody wants the Grandmaster back.” The Lord of Fate snapped his fingers and twisted her into a pretzel.

Mustaches and a Bully Ghost

Richard washed down the cheeseburgers with a Double Sun Cola, which left his stomach “so bubbly.” Then he tried to start a revolution. He told Thea she was a sentient being and that it was time to rise up against the Lord of Fate. Thea turned to the crowd and declared, “I’m a people!” She ran straight to the hot dog stand and stuffed about nine hot dogs into her mouth. “This is what happens when you give the masses power,” Bofus observed. “They immediately crave hot dogs.”

When the Lord of Fate asked Manfrog to “hit him in the face for me, please,” Bofus obliged and knocked off Richard’s mustache. Richard had brought spares. Goblins rushed out with a tiny curtain that covered only his mouth while he changed. Bofus climbed a jagged perch for his signature frog splash, but Richard caught him one-handed, anime-style: “It’s a new Richard Knottley, baby.” As Richard tossed him back, Bofus’s tongue whipped out and took the new mustache too. By the end of the round both of Richard’s ears were blocked by frogs.

The acolytes then summoned a chaos event. A white wisp, one of the many who have died in the Crimson Keep and “quite the bully,” seized an appendage of each champion. It made them hit themselves while it chanted “Stop hitting yourself.”

Beard Powers and the Box of Chaos

After a short break so “old Dick” could catch his breath, Richard returned with a full beard. “I did what all great Americans do. I grew a nice beard to take on your mustache.” He warned that the chinchillas were buying up the food supply and that “we’re going to have to start eating our neighbors.” The Lord of Fate replied, “Actually, the chinchillas work for me.”

Richard ripped off Bofus’s crown and discovered it was just yellow fabric sewn to the mask. “You have exposed me, sir! How very dare you?” Richard apologised loudly and patted it back on crooked. Then he challenged the king to a best-of-three Dick Twist dance-off. Bofus won 2–1 with a perfect natural 20 “by literally doing fuck all… gently undulating.” The win left him “feeling real fucking good.” His second frog splash landed. He wrapped Richard in a “slightly too oily” and surprisingly ripped body, which threw every part of Richard’s personality out of order for a round. The mask was deflating now, its eyes pointing in different directions. A headbutt ended in a tie that wore both men down further.

The Lord of Fate clapped, thunder cracked, and the Box of Chaos slammed down. A shadowy figure with yellow eyes clawed out over the lid. “I can hear you and I can see your shitty beard,” it told Richard. Richard fed it something very sweaty from his Peloton classes that smelled of cheeseburgers. In return he got a small blue pill that would let him last longer before exhaustion killed him. When Thea explained it was a suppository, he threw it back: “I only take red pills!” His next offering earned him a blue ring that once belonged to the Arbiter. It made him master of time and space for a round. He wrapped a mustache around it to claim it, while the Lord of Fate grumbled, “I want that back when this is done. I’ve been looking for that.” Bofus saluted a frog for its service and dropped it in. The figure chomped it like a shark and gave back a screaming vial of black liquid, which Bofus never used. He spent the rest of his turn oiling the floor with his body like a flopping seal. “Americans love slip and slide,” said Richard.

The Peloton

Richard revealed he hadn’t come through a portal at all. “I drove here on my Peloton bike.” Then he threw it at Bofus. Bofus caught it with another natural 20, and Thea remarked that he had more fight in him than anyone she had ever seen in the arena. He held the bike out of reach, until Richard climbed onto Thea’s shoulders to grab it back (“My head is flat now”). Bofus answered with an insult: “You keep your peloton. You’ll never go anywhere on it anyway.” It ended in another tie that left both men one step from collapse. Bofus finished the round by tearing off Richard’s sunglasses, “Minsc and Boo style.”

The Final Blow

Bofus greeted Round 6 by calling himself the beast. Richard had quietly put on reading glasses. He revealed he had been pedalling the whole time everyone was talking, building up a charge. Lightning poured off the Peloton and blasted them both. Bofus could not escape it: “Electricity is my only weakness. Classically… Frogs and lightning. It’s no bueno.” The strike tied again, and it finished them both. Richard’s heart gave out (“Oh no! Pulmonary! Too many cheeseburgers!”), and Bofus succumbed to exhaustion. “Look at the two of them,” said Thea. “Well, what’s left of the two of them?”

Then a recording began to play. It was Richard’s “live man switch”: “As in, if I die, it goes live.” It announced that Walt Disney is still alive and gets unfrozen every eight months to be fed small Cuban children, that the moon is a hologram, that Earth is flat “but so is every other planet. It’s called pancake space,” and that every snowflake is a microchip from Santa to track you. It closed with a posthumous offer of anti-tuna juice for $37.99. “I had nothing to do with that!” Thea cried. The Lord of Fate lectured her: “This is the things you have to know when you choose a champion!” Thea boiled over, with steam pouring from her ears and her pink cheeks puffed. She signed off by yelling that she had to go to D20 Deathmatch.

Dried Blood

After the match, Bofus’s player offered a half-apology for the smack talk, which mostly turned into more facts about Americans. The two players then traded jabs over black pudding and turnips. The hosts promised that both champions would return for Deathmatches later in the season. Bofus’s player admitted he’d kept falling back on “wave after wave of frogs,” which the hosts called overwhelming, delightful and worth repeating. For the Acolytes at home, Bofus left a public service announcement that Kraft Singles are “a pasteurized cheese product,” not cheese. Richard left simpler advice: “Safety first, but also be dangerous.”

Notable Moments

• Thea opened a whale-sized portal to the arena with a single thunderous fart.
• Richard threw Thea like a javelin, and Bofus caught her on his tongue.
• Thea declared herself “a people” and raided the hot dog stand.
• Goblins wheeled out a mouth-sized curtain so Richard could change mustaches in private.
• Bofus won a best-of-three dance-off by doing nothing at all.
• Richard died of a cheeseburger-induced heart attack after electrocuting both champions with his Peloton, then spoke from beyond the grave through his “live man switch.”

Memorable Quotes

• Richard Knottley: “Who are you people and where is my horse?”
• The Lord of Fate: “We’ll give them blood and violence to distract them from how terrible their lives are.”
• Thea: “That way I know every time I wake up and look in the mirror that I’m worth seven stars.”
• King Bofus: “I am a king. I do not pay taxes. I receive them. Your taxes probably.”
• King Bofus: “This is what happens when you give the masses power. They immediately crave hot dogs.”
• Richard Knottley: “I did what all great Americans do. I grew a nice beard to take on your mustache.”
• The Box of Chaos’s shadowy figure: “I can hear you and I can see your shitty beard.”
• King Bofus: “Electricity is my only weakness. Classically… Frogs and lightning. It’s no bueno.”

Who and What Appears

Characters

King “Man Frog” Bofus (guest, unnamed in metadata).

• Self-described “King of the frog people, man people frogs. 50% man, 50% frog, and 100%… something else.” He is British.
• Wears a green frog mask with hand-drawn cartoon eyes and a fake crown of yellow fabric sewn to it. The mask deflates as he pulls frogs from under it.
• Long tape-measure tongue. Skittle-colored frogs live under the mask (“my froggy brethren”). Keeps cheeseburgers in his boots.
• Ripped, muscular and oily: is it sweat or a frog oil gland? “Stuff can be two things.” 5’2” with arms reaching below his knees.
• Receives taxes, doesn’t pay them. Loves half-eaten Snickers.
• “Electricity is my only weakness.”
• Signature move: the frog splash, which scrambles the target’s stats for a round.
• From the Box of Chaos he got a screaming vial (swap bloodlust and instinct); he kept it unused.
• Gained more fighting spirit than Thea thinks anyone has ever had. Appears to die on the final tie (inferred).

Richard Knottley, “Dick Twist” (guest, unnamed in metadata).

• Former Peloton instructor, banned from a couple of counties, from Denny’s (where the Peloton instructors meet with non-stationary bikes) and from Zumba; “the IHOP saw me coming.”
• Online name Dick Twist, after his dance (also his signature move).
• Wears a tinfoil hat (against Wi-Fi radiation), sunglasses, fake mustaches (he carries spares), American flag pants, later a fake beard and reading glasses.
• Runs the conspiracy webinar/podcast “Knottley’s Real World”. Conspiracies: the Chinchillian government, the chinchilla/vole/mole cabal, the Nintendo Switch, lunar moths eating the ozone, eating our neighbors.
• Financial advisor: Cricket, an old guy in Montana.
• Claims six foot; actually 5’10½. Afraid of heights. Says he’s “very clearly a hot dog.”
• Drove to the arena on his Peloton bike.
• Rejected the blue pill (“I only take red pills”). Wore the Arbiter’s blue ring wrapped in a mustache.
• Died of a “coronary”/“pulmonary” after his Peloton lightning heroic surge. Left a dead man’s switch recording.

Thea (Caustic Phoenix). An imp, formerly “a virginal worm.”

• The Lord of Fate made her an imp and gave her a bedroom. He calls her a 1099 independent contractor with no PTO. She got a 1099-NEC, with the acolytes helping her with the paperwork.
• Has stars carved into her forehead by the Lord of Fate (she claims seven). Still missing her thumb.
• Opens portals by farting (pink dust, purple glitter; a whale-sized portal smelling of Oreos, burritos and nacho cheese).
• Booked this week’s champions (she kidnapped them) and rented the Crimson Keep, a wedding venue with a cleaning crew included.
• Planned PTO for February. Briefly declared herself “a people” and ate nine hot dogs. Has a notebook (“Get more eyes”).
• Was thrown as a javelin and caught by a frog tongue.

The Lord of Fate (Mudcat).

• Watches protesters from windows and breathes heavily. Insists watching people “is my job.”
• Admits he forgot the Deathmatch day.
• Has white wings. Twists Thea into a pretzel with a snap.
• Works out in private, avoiding the Fortress gym. Wants a microphone “because I have some thoughts.”
• The blue ring from the Box of Chaos “once belonged to the Arbiter, aka the Lord of Fate”; he has been looking for it and wants it back.

The Grandmaster: not present. Imprisoned by the Lord of Fate “at the very start of the season”; protesters’ signs are about her. Thea: “everybody wants the Grandmaster back.”

The Box of Chaos’s shadowy figure (voiced by Mudcat): yellow eyes, claws out over the lid, chomps a sacrificed frog like a shark. Critiques Richard’s beard.

Bully ghost: a white wisp, one of many who died in the Crimson Keep. It made both champions hit themselves.

Chinchillas: Dread Fortress security, “highly unionized,” work out in the gym with the goblins. “The chinchillas work for me” (the Lord of Fate).

Goblins: Dread Fortress staff, “getting a little fat”; they ran out a tiny curtain for Richard’s mustache change.

Cricket: Richard’s financial advisor (an old guy in Montana); off-screen.

Acolytes: protesting outside the Fortress; called taxpayers. One was tossed from the stands and splatted.

Places

• The Dread Fortress: protesters outside; a gym (weights, no Pelotons); Thea’s bedroom; a back locker room.
• The Crimson Keep: a dilapidated crimson vampire castle, dark, with bats waiting for sundown and a cold wind on top of the keep. It’s a wedding venue, rented cheap because “people keep dying here.” It is haunted by many ghosts, most friendly.
• Denny’s and IHOP (Richard’s backstory; real-world).

Items

• The half-eaten Snickers; cheeseburgers / double quarter pounders; Double Sun Cola.
• Richard’s Peloton bike (only one wheel spins), tinfoil hat, fake mustaches, beard, American flag pants.
• The blue pill (raises the fatigue limit to six; a suppository), returned to the box.
• The Arbiter’s blue ring (master of time and space for one round, disadvantage on the foe), now wrapped in a mustache.
• The screaming vial of black ethereal liquid (swap bloodlust and instinct for one round), held by Bofus.
• Richard’s sweaty Peloton item, sacrificed to the box (unnamed).
• Bofus’s fabric crown and frog mask.
• Anti-tuna juice ($37.99), advertised posthumously.

Lore statements (Season of Fate timeline)

• The Lord of Fate imprisoned the Grandmaster at the start of the season. Acolytes now protest him at the Dread Fortress.
• Champions used to be kidnapped for Deathmatches; it stopped after complaints. Thea did it anyway this week.
• The Void has taxes (“Too many taxes”).
• The Box of Chaos contains “those who have died in there.”
• The Arbiter’s blue ring had been lost until it came out of the Box of Chaos.

Full Round-by-Round

Every beat of the episode, with timestamps (click to expand)

Opening — the protest at the Dread Fortress

2. 0:00:40 Outside the Dread Fortress there is a loud, unusual crowd: yelling, stomping, signs. Inside, the Lord of Fate stares out a window. Thea sneaks up behind him with a notepad. “Quit sneaking up on me!” She says she was letting him finish his “thing that you do where you look out windows and you breathe heavily for a while.”
3. 0:01:21 The protesters have signs and pickets. “Don’t these people have jobs?” Thea offers to shoo them away. He refuses: “If we do too much, it’ll just make things worse.”
4. 0:01:46 — The Grandmaster in prison. He points out the signs “about the Grandmaster being in prison.” Thea: “Oh yeah, that big thing that you did at the very start of the season? … How could anyone forget?” He: “They’re protesting me!” He doesn’t know why.
5. 0:02:21 “Name five ways in which I haven’t been a good leader.” Thea: she hasn’t gotten as many stars as she wanted. He takes the pen and carves into her forehead again. She adds that sometimes the cookies are a day old and stale, “like you didn’t even remember there was a deathmatch.”
6. 0:02:46 — The forgotten Deathmatch. He says he’ll be ready “in a few days.” Thea: “It’s today!” She brought her notebook, two champions, and rented a venue normally used for weddings. He was “preoccupied” watching “these hooligans.” Thea: “So you haven’t been doing your job as Lord of Fate because you’ve been watching people?” “That is my job!”
7. 0:03:41 Thea asks whether more eyes would make her more qualified to lead. He says “Sure.” She writes “Get more eyes” in her notebook. She suggests the protesters might come to the Deathmatch and be won over. The Lord of Fate: “We’ll give them blood and violence to distract them from how terrible their lives are.” Thea notes this has happened “in another plane in a time of history… I’m sure it has never fallen and that empire is still around.”
8. 0:04:38 — The champions arrive. Pink dust flies out of Thea’s butt, leaving a purple glittery portal “out from this fart.” She had kept the champions in the back locker room while he did his “moody breathing thing.” She introduces “King Bullfist [Bofus], aka Man Frog, and also Richard Knottley [Knottley].”
9. 0:05:31 Richard: “Who are you people and where is my horse?” Thea admits she didn’t tell them anything: “I just kind of kidnapped them.” The Lord of Fate: “We don’t do that anymore… We used to do that, but then we got a lot of complaints.” Thea promises “something nice at the end if the Lord of Fate likes you.” Richard agrees to fight to the death (“See, I like you”).
10. 0:06:05 — Richard’s background. “I’m a Peloton instructor, athletic enthusiast, and that’s a frog.” Bofus: “That is a man frog I think you’ll find.” Richard is a former Peloton instructor: “I’m not allowed in a couple of counties anymore.” The online classes are “what they want you to believe, it’s a conspiracy.” Peloton instructors all meet at a Denny’s, where people bring their bikes, “and they’re not stationary.” Thea: “I brought people who eat at Denny’s.” The Lord of Fate: “You did good this week.”
11. 0:07:03 — Dick Twist. The Lord of Fate calls him “Dick.” Bofus finds that amusing. Richard: “My online name is Dick Twist. On account of my dance moves.” He won’t demonstrate because he’s “not wearing pants on this camera.” The Lord of Fate: “Where do you think you are, work?”
12. 0:08:20 — King Bofus. Bofus asks for his full name (“Man Frog King, Man Frog Bufus”). The Lord of Fate asks for his own full title in return. Bofus: “I’m a king, you see. King of the frog people, man people frogs. 50% man, 50% frog, and 100%… something else.” Which half is which? “You’ll have to find out if you’re brave enough.” He calls Richard “Mr. Tinfoil.” Richard: “Peloton is great for all species.”
13. 0:09:34 — The gym. The Lord of Fate tells Thea to look into gym equipment for the Dread Fortress, because the goblins are “getting a little fat.” Thea: the Fortress already has a gym where the chinchillas and goblins lift weights (no Pelotons). He hasn’t visited it: “I like to work out in privacy.” “Why?” “Don’t ask questions.” Thea takes more notes.
14. 0:10:20 — Chinchillas and the mustache. Thea: “We have a series of chinchillas that are hired and work as security here at the Dread Fortress.” The Lord of Fate: “They’re highly unionized.” Bofus says Richard has one on his lip too. Richard: “This is a very real, very legitimate mustache.” Bofus: “I think he’s going to need a passport at some point during this match.”
15. 0:11:03 Richard asks to hit the Frog King now. Thea forbids it. Richard threatens to throw a Snickers. It’s half eaten. Bofus: “I will enjoy it marginally more.”
16. 0:11:24 — The fart portal. Thea rented the venue with a cleaning crew included, because cleaning up last time “took a lot longer than I wanted.” She tells everyone to close their eyes. The Lord of Fate grumbles, and Richard won’t lower his sunglasses (“If I say yes and don’t do it, is that okay?”). Then Thea bends over and farts, “thunderous” and obnoxious for a two-foot imp, opening a portal a whale could swim through. She briefly tells the acolytes they can keep their eyes closed. Bofus: “I vote we join the rioters and we overthrow these two.” The Lord of Fate: “There will be no talk of rioting anymore today.”
17. 0:13:04 — Seven stars. Thea: “I’ve earned at least seven stars doing this.” Bofus: “I can see that carved into your forehead.” Thea: “That way I know every time I wake up and look in the mirror that I’m worth seven stars.”
18. 0:13:24 — The Crimson Keep. Past “the disgusting smell of old Oreos, burritos, and nacho cheese,” they stand on top of a dilapidated crimson keep: dark, eerie, bats creeping along the silhouettes waiting for sundown, cold furious wind, a beautiful view. Thea: “I got it really cheap because apparently other people keep dying here.” The Lord of Fate: “Maybe we should vacation here.”
19. 0:14:31 — PTO and the 1099. Thea has booked downtime in February as PTO. The Lord of Fate: “You would have to be an employee to get PTO… you were a worm, and then I made you into an imp, and I gave you a bedroom. That’s 1099… independent contractor at best, so no PTO.” Richard: “You make $600, you gotta report it on your taxes.” The Lord of Fate: “Of course we have taxes. Too many taxes.” Bofus: “I am a king. I do not pay taxes. I receive them. Your taxes probably.”
20. 0:15:36 Deflated, Thea flies into the stands, where a slew of acolytes (“aka taxpayers”) look down on the keep. Her hype falls flat and her wings droop. The Lord of Fate sits her down: “You take the afternoon off. No pay.”
21. 0:16:32 The Lord of Fate flares his white wings. The acolytes scream, throw beers, rip their shirts off and punch each other. One gets tossed over the side, lands between the champions and “splats into a million pieces.”

Round 1

22. 0:17:18 Initiative: Man Frog 5, Dick Twist 7. Richard goes first.
23. 0:17:45 — The sponsor plug. Richard looks down the barrel of the nearest camera: “I actually run a webinar web series podcast extravaganza where we talk about conspiracy theories. And for today’s main event only, we have a special toiletry product for you.” Then he hurls the half-eaten Snickers at “the frog.” Thea insists: “Man frog, all of you, man frog.”
24. 0:18:45 Bofus: “But what if you suck both of these nuts?” Thea narrates that the retort spews out of his mouth and becomes a shield that deflects the Snickers. Bofus: “I love a Snickers, particularly half-eaten.” Richard: “That’s very strange, and I’m the one wearing the tinfoil hat.” Bofus: “I’m literally half-frog.” Thea: “On the weirdest scale, King wins.”
25. 0:19:40 — Stretching. Richard whispers to Thea that he’s winded and “gotta stretch this out.” He didn’t get to warm up, since Thea just pushed them in. Thea apologizes, blames “the Chinchillian government” (“shippling” in the transcript), and does jumping jacks and arm stretches beside him.
26. 0:20:33 — Thea the javelin. Richard asks Thea to participate. She volunteers: “I make a good throwing item.” He asks, “face first or tail first?” “Face first. I’ll open my teeth.” He launches her at Bofus like a javelin. It misses. Bofus’s tongue flicks out from under his green mask (two cartoonish hand-drawn eyes) and catches her mid-air. Drool runs out of the bottom of the mask as his witty retort comes out as drool. Thea: “I guess I needed a shower. Thank you.” He sets her down gently. She sits at his feet, stunned at having been licked. The tongue retracts “like a tape measure.”
27. 0:21:50 Richard: “King Bofus is literally the vampire potbelly goblins that I keep hearing about.” Bofus: “I am… your conspiracy theories nightmares wrapped up into one man frog.” “This is my living nightmare come true.” “I fucking hope so.”
28. 0:22:48 — The mask. The Lord of Fate asks: if he’s half man, half frog, why wear a frog mask? “That’s for me to know and for you to find out, shorty.” Bofus calls Richard a “human cheeseburger”. Richard: “I am very clearly a hot dog.” Richard says the tinfoil is because “the Wi-Fi radiation affects brain waves.” Bofus: “You have brainwaves?”
29. 0:24:25 — The dash. Richard runs at Bofus to pull the mask off, “the fastest I can, which is about… one and a half miles.” It misses. Bofus simply steps aside and Richard runs past. Bofus taunts him: “Follow your American dreams or whatever it is you people do.” Richard: “I sound a little slighted against America.” Bofus suggests Zumba. Richard can’t: “I wasn’t allowed to do Zumba on account of being kicked out of the Denny’s. The IHOP saw me coming.” Bofus suggests Ring Fit. Richard: “The Nintendo Switch is a plant by the Chinchillian government.”
30. 0:27:12 — The chinchilla cabal. While Bofus deals with his dying laptop (“I’m a frog, I’m not very good with tech”), Richard tells the camera about “the overthrowing cabal of the chinchilla government. Voles, moles and chinchillas are dressing up like humans. Like Oogie Boogie… but it’s just chinchillas.”
31. 0:27:28 — Frogs, the first barrage. “Speaking of chinchillas, how do you like frogs?” Bofus reaches under his mask with both hands and flings a variety of frogs. Thea: “Underneath the frog mask are more frogs?” They miss, and Richard swats them away. Richard: “That other conspiracy theorist was right about the frogs.”
32. 0:28:19 Bofus’s second barrage is a natural 1: he loses fighting spirit and gains a fatigue. The Lord of Fate tells the camera: “If you get to five fatigues, you fucking die.” Thea: “You can only give out so many frogs at once. Pace yourself!”
33. 0:28:50 — The third barrage hits. “Can you smell what the frog is cooking?” The frogs are tiny, multicolored, “like skittles with arms and legs and slime.” One gets into Richard’s mouth, wriggles down and briefly blocks his windpipe: “a chokehold, frog style! From the inside out!” Bofus: “Thank you for your sacrifice… Many, many perish in war at the will of kings… I’m British. I’m allowed to say this.” He is a British frog king (“Can you not tell by my chops?”).
34. 0:30:52 — The cheeseburger fortress. Bofus rejects recovery actions (“That’s for coward”). Instead he reaches into his boots and lays cheeseburgers everywhere to distract Richard (“He recognizes his own kind”). This is a defensive action that imposes disadvantage.
35. 0:31:41 Another frog barrage from behind the cheeseburger fortress hits; Richard is “distracted by the cheeseburgers.” Bofus: “Aim for the mouth, nostrils, any orifice.” Thea suggests an ear, and the frogs go for one. Richard to Thea: “You’re 1099 with no benefits. Why are you doing this?” She has received a 1099-NEC; the acolytes have been helping her fill out the paperwork.
36. 0:32:49 Richard: “I got a really good financial advisor. His name’s Cricket… just some old guy that lives in Montana.” Thea mocks him for losing fighting spirit to frogs. Richard (tagged as 01): “This whole Dread Fortress is propaganda… Oh no, my orifices!” Bofus: “This is totally normal, normal 2am on a Monday night for me.” Richard: “I no longer know if I’m the heel or the hero anymore.” The Lord of Fate: “I think you’re both heels.”
37. 0:34:11 — Thea’s review. The end-of-round d20 falls to Thea. She tries to pass off a 3 as an 11. The Lord of Fate: “This is going on your review… This shows a clear lack of leadership.” “But I’m not the leader. I’m a Thea.” “With that attitude, you never will be.” Thea mutters: “Now I know why everybody wants the Grandmaster back.” He snaps his fingers and her body contorts into a pretzel (“Not again!”), then untwists her.

Round 2

38. 0:35:38 Richard compliments the Twist joke. There are too many “hamburgers, cheeseburgers, McDonald’s” to get through, so he drinks a Double Sun Cola to wash them down. Thea: “When we said those are double quarter pounders, that’s not the kind of pounding.” Richard: “I run a family-friendly program.” He fails the mettle save: “It’s so bubbly in my gut.” Thea: “Are you a moron?”
39. 0:37:26 — Thea becomes “people.” Richard: “They’re a bunch of baby murdering scum… they’re building death factories.” Thea: “I’m not a people, actually. I was virginal worm and then I became an imp.” Richard: “You’re a sentient living being. I think it’s time we rise up against the Lord of Fate.” Thea turns to the acolytes: “I’m a people!” She runs to the hot dog stand, thinking only people can go there. Bofus: “This is what happens when you give the masses power. They immediately crave hot dogs.”
40. 0:38:38 Richard hits Bofus with the empty soda bottle, at disadvantage because of the cheeseburgers. It misses. “This game is so rigged.” The Lord of Fate: “Get out of the hot dogs. Those are for people.” Thea stuffs about nine hot dogs in her mouth. “Those are coming out of your paycheck.”
41. 0:39:37 — Cheese facts. As Bofus sidesteps, he whispers to Richard only: “American cheese isn’t technically classed as a cheese. It’s a cheese product… That’s what your country represents.” He cites Kraft Singles.
42. 0:40:26 — Lunar moths. Richard: “The ozone layer is being destroyed by giant lunar moths coming from outer space, and your frog people aren’t eating them.” He throws a right hook, which misses. “America, you failed me again.” Bofus: “Peanuts aren’t nuts. They’re technically [legumes]… your peanut butter is a lie.” Richard: “Peloton gods are failing me! Damn you, Denny’s!”
43. 0:41:37 The Lord of Fate mishears that Richard would be in better shape eating Denny’s. Richard: “It would be like you to not hear that right. Telling your people they’re not people.” The Lord of Fate: “Manfrog, would you hit him in the face for me, please?”
44. 0:42:01 — The mustache falls. Bofus counter-punches and hits. “I believe I have removed the caterpillar on your face.” “It’s a real mustache.” “He’s a phony!” Richard: “You’re so cool, Lord of Fate, with your cool mustache.” “Try harder.” Richard brought multiple mustaches: “I’m always prepared with mustaches for combat.”
45. 0:43:19 — Costume change. Goblins run out with a tiny curtain stand that covers just his mouth while he puts on the second mustache. Bofus tries to swipe it off (“This ain’t good sportsmanship”), but Richard defends with a high roll. Thea assures everyone it’s better he wears it, “because his face is really ugly without it.”
46. 0:44:36 — The first frog splash. Bofus climbs a jagged structure and leaps down in a frog splash, yelling “What is it that Alex Jones said? We’re turning the frickin’ frogs gay? This frog’s coming for you!” (signature move). It misses. Richard catches him mid-air one-handed, “anime style”: “I’ve got a new mustache on. It’s a new Richard Knottley, baby.” He tosses Bofus back.
47. 0:45:48 As he’s pushed back, Bofus’s tongue whips out and takes the new mustache off. It hits. “Right in the kisser.” Richard: “Alex Jones said not to drink the tap water, but I’m kind of thinking I need a little right now.”
48. 0:46:48 Final action: more frogs, and they hit. Richard: “My orifices will not be touched by your frogs.” Bofus cites American literacy rates, then: “Let’s block that left ear, shall we? So that’s both of your ears now. Blocked by frogs. You’ve got a frog in your throat.” He’d planned wrestling moves (a chokeslam, “go DDP on his ass”), “No, I’m just gonna throw some frogs from under a mask.”

Chaos event — the bully ghost (0:48:51)

49. Thea’s end-of-round roll is a 6, “basically a 20” if read like Richard does. The acolytes trigger a chaos event anyway. Thea: “Because I’m people, and they’re people, so we’re all people together.” The Lord of Fate: “Let’s just not do that.”
50. 0:49:42 Richard tightens his American flag pants (“I can see everything,” says Bofus). A white wisp, one of the many who have died in the Crimson Keep and “quite the bully,” grabs an appendage and makes each champion hit themselves: “Stop hitting yourself. Stop hitting yourself.” Both fail and take fatigue and fighting-spirit damage. Thea asks which appendage, “for record-keeping purposes.” Richard leaves it “up to the imagination of the Acolytes.” Thea: “Is that what she had to tell you last night?” “It’s a bit, you assholes!” The Lord of Fate: “You can be people for five minutes.”
51. 0:52:15 Richard: “Just remember the Chilean [Chinchillian] government is still rising up against us.” The Lord of Fate calls a break so “old dick” can catch his breath, “because Manfrog is just kicking the shit out of him.” Bofus offers to set a timer.

After the break — the beard (0:52:56)

52. 0:53:17 Richard now has a full beard. “I did what all great Americans do. I grew a nice beard to take on your mustache.” “We’ll do good in the second first half.” He says the arena is rigged by a Lord of Fate “working for the chinchilla government.” The Lord of Fate: “Actually, the chinchillas work for me.” “That’s what they want you to believe.”
53. 0:54:16 — Eat your neighbors. Richard: the chinchillas are buying up the food supply, “so, we’re going to have to start eating our neighbors.” The Lord of Fate asks for a YouTube video. Richard plugs his show “Knottley’s Real World” (Bofus: “So it’s not the real world”; an extended “Not/Nautly” bit). Thea wonders whether she should do cannibalism too. Richard to the Lord of Fate: “I will eat your ass like corn on the cob.” “Don’t threaten me with a good time.” Bofus: “You guys should date… What are your Tinder links?”

Round 3

54. 0:56:12 — The crown. Richard notices the crown and asks, “Should I be calling you Queen Frog?” He rips it off. His fingers pull through the fabric: it’s just yellow fabric sewn to the mask. Bofus: “You have exposed me, sir! How very dare you?” Richard pats it back on his head, bent askew, treating it as 100% legitimate: “I’M SO SORRY ABOUT THAT!” Bofus: “I’ve never been so disrespected or outraged in my life!” Richard: “Thanks, Boston Tea Party.” His follow-up right hook misses. “Come on, beard powers. Beard powers, activate.”
55. 0:58:36 The Lord of Fate and Thea complain that it’s getting boring and tell him to use power-ups. Richard: “Don’t you tell me how to do my job… I am a professional.” The Lord of Fate: “I’m confused, I thought you were unemployed.”
56. 0:59:20 — The Dick Twist dance-off. Richard’s signature move: he dances “the Dick Twist,” a best-of-three dance-off. “I play to win.” Bofus wins 2–1 with a nat 20, “by literally doing fuck all… gently undulating, watching this happen.” Richard: “Why is the frog not dancing?” Bofus gains fighting spirit to above where he started, plus an adrenaline. “I’m just feeling real fucking good.”
57. 1:02:00 — The second frog splash lands. Bofus climbs the same perch and frog-splashes the sweating, fatigued Richard. He called it a power-up, so it counts as one, and the Lord of Fate lets his signature move apply too. He envelops Richard with his “slightly too oily body that is mainly that of a man, but it’s ripped… So many muscles,” showing Richard what his body “could look like, if only he committed himself.” Effect: every part of Richard’s personality goes wrong, and his bloodlust, instinct and mettle shift one place for a round. Richard: “Why are you so oily? … I do enough squats.” Is it sweat or a froggy oil gland? “Stuff can be two things.”
58. 1:04:59 More fistfuls of frogs (a power-up). The hand-sewn mask with its big eyes is starting to deflate. Richard, with his shifted defense, catches the frogs in the air: “America’s coming back. We’re gonna make America great again… One frog at a time.” Bofus: “Reclaim your orifices.” Richard: “America’s been trying to do that for a long time.” Bofus: “We’re aware. Sips tea.”
59. 1:06:26 Bofus tries a leg sweep from his crouch. Richard does the Karate Kid crane and dodges. Thea notes this is the first time Bofus has called himself muscular. Bofus: “I am ribbit.” (booed). “That joke is my attack.” It’s a status-effect attack, and it misses: “You can’t faze me.” Bofus: “It’s well documented that American men don’t have feelings.”
60. 1:08:11 — The headbutt. Bofus headbutts with “the fleshy, weird sack” of the deflating mask, its eyes now pointing in different directions. A tie: both take a fatigue (Bofus 3, Richard 2). Richard: “The tinfoil hat might be dented, but my resilience is [not].”
61. 1:09:22 Thea rolls 18, her “first good one.” Richard: “He’s, like, mean, like, all the time.” Thea: “It’s got, like, corn cobs stuck up his butt.” The Lord of Fate: “If you don’t treat people like shit, they’re not gonna respect you… That’s the American way.” “Remind me to get a microphone because I have some thoughts.” Thea changes the subject so he won’t get one.

Round 4 — the Box of Chaos (1:10:34)

62. The Lord of Fate claps; thunder cracks and the Box of Chaos slams down. A column of pink and yellow fire shoots up and a shadowy figure with yellow eyes claws its way out over the lid. Bofus: “Take all my actions. Give me the shiny shit.”
63. 1:11:36 — Richard and the box. “Hello in there.” The figure (Mudcat): “I can hear you and I can see your shitty beard.” “Do you grant wishes?” “No, but just give me something cool.” Richard hands over something very sweaty that he uses for Peloton instruction (the item isn’t named) and that “smells like cheeseburgers.”
64. 1:12:34 — The blue pill (roll 8). Thea: one of the most rolled items. A hand of blackened soul floats out a small blue pill: “This should keep you going all night long.” It raises the fatigue death limit from five to six, “and if your deathmatch lasts longer than four hours, then that’s your problem.” Richard asks whether he chews or swallows it. Thea: “It’s a suppository.” Richard: “More things on the orifices… I only take red pills… I’m not taking your sissy blue pill!” He throws it back into the box (a second sacrifice, costing a fatigue).
65. 1:14:08 — The Arbiter’s blue ring (roll 10). “You know what this pretty boy needs? Some jewelry.” The figure hands him “a blue ring, once belonging to the Arbiter, aka the Lord of Fate.” Wearing it, he is master of time and space for one round, and all his opponent’s attacks are at disadvantage. He puts it on. He wraps a mustache around the ring “to solidify that it is mine.” The Lord of Fate: “I really wish you wouldn’t do that… I want that back when this is done. I’ve been looking for that.” Richard holds the ring up like a finger gun (“Ring of power… activate”). It’s purely defensive, so he punches with it instead and misses.
66. 1:16:53 — Bofus feeds the box. He pulls three different-colored frogs from under the mask (“Dias colors… If anybody gets that meme”), salutes one (“thank you for your service”) and drops it in. The shadowy figure chomps it like a shark. Roll 2: the fire returns, with the smell of tea offered by “those who have died in there,” plus a small vial of black ethereal liquid that screams when opened. Consuming the soul inside lets him swap his bloodlust and instinct for one round. He holds on to it; it isn’t seen used.
67. 1:18:47 He reconsiders a second frog sacrifice because of fatigue: “I don’t want to lose to the Iron Giant over here… and a goddamn fake beard.” He spends his remaining actions defending: he rubs his mucus-slime-baby-oil body all over the floor, flopping like a seal, until the stone is slick. Eye contact with Richard: “Who like that? Who like this?” Richard: “Americans love slip and slide.” The Lord of Fate: good thing the rental had a cleaning crew. Thea: “I probably would have just burned the whole place down.” “Still might.”
68. 1:21:40 Thea rolls 5 and is allowed a reroll (“I’m feeling magnanimous”): 17. “I knew I was capable of greatness.” She doesn’t recognize Richard with the beard (“Richard Knuckles”). She starts the acolytes chanting. The Lord of Fate: “No chanting. No more chanting today.” Thea: “No more protesting.” She holds up the round number, “still missing her thumb.”

Round 5 — the Peloton

69. 1:23:12 Richard: “You think I was teleported here via a portal. That is not true. I drove here on my Peloton bike.” He picks up the bike and throws it at Bofus (a power-up). Bofus defends with a natural 20 and catches the Peloton, gaining more fighting spirit and a second adrenaline. Thea: “You literally have had more fighting spirit than I think anyone in the arena has ever had.” Bofus: “I’m just feeding off of this man’s incompetence… let them come find me. I’m clearly fucking ready.”
70. 1:24:43 — Keep-away. Bofus holds the bike over Richard’s head. Richard: “I’m like six foot! How are you this tall?” Bofus: “He’s a respectable five foot two. He’s just got really long arms… they come down to just below his knees.” Bofus asks whether he can make a Donald Trump joke; Mudcat says no. Richard: “I’m 5’10 and a half.” “My mother says I’m six foot.” Only one of the Peloton’s wheels spins. Richard’s grab misses. Bofus: “At this point this just feels like bullying.” The Lord of Fate: “Don’t worry, he deserves it.”
71. 1:27:02 — On Thea’s shoulders. Thea jumps for the bike too; she reckons she and Richard are the same height. Richard climbs onto Thea’s shoulders and gets the bike back. Thea: “My head is flat now.” Richard: “I gotta get down. I’m afraid of heights.” Thea collapses; he “lands gracefully on the bike.”
72. 1:28:29 — The insult. Richard used the full name, so Bofus takes offense (“Very un-Christian of you”). Then: “You keep your peloton. You’ll never go anywhere on it anyway.” Thea suggests making it a status effect, “stinging damage… mentally haunt him.” It’s “vicious mockery” through “millimeter thick tin foil.” A tie: both take a fatigue (both now at four). Richard: “I’m gonna win this race.”
73. 1:30:04 Bofus forgets the second box sacrifice costs fatigue (“I am a benevolent king”). Thea coats his hand with poison, but too much makes him slip on the punch. He circles to hit the back of Richard’s head while Richard pedals: “You can’t pedal away from this problem, sir.” “Peloton powers activate.” He tries to rip off the tinfoil hat and misses. “Now I know how you feel.” Finally he goes for the eyes, “Minsc and Boo style,” and rips off Richard’s sunglasses (a hit). “That was a lot for one point.”
74. 1:32:14 Thea warns that both are at four fatigue and the next tie or nat 1 will put them under. She asks about heroic surge. The Lord of Fate lists its options: clear fatigue, regain or deal five fighting spirit, gain an extra action permanently.

Round 6 — the lightning and the coronary

75. 1:33:16 Bofus: “Six! The number of the beast! I am the beast.” Thea: she always imagined a minotaur, bear or goat, not a frog. Bofus notes that Richard, now fatigued, has started correcting people on his name.
76. 1:33:59 Richard has put on reading glasses. “I have been peddling on my peloton the entire time that you guys have been talking, therefore channeling my heroic surge”: lightning channels off the Peloton in a heroic surge strike that blasts them both. 11 vs 11, a tie: both take a fatigue.
77. 1:35:09 Bofus tries to leap aside but can’t escape the charge: “Electricity is my only weakness. Classically… Frogs and lightning. It’s no bueno.” “I saw it in a documentary.” “Absolutely. Richard Attenborough.” He submits to the lightning.
78. 1:37:03 The Lord of Fate: “This was certainly kind of a nail-biting finale. You did very good this week.” Thea: “Look at the two of them. Well, what’s left of the two of them?”

The dead man’s switch (1:37:18)

80. A recording of Richard plays: “In the unlikely event of my death, this is what I call a live man switch. As in, if I die, it goes live.” The list:
    • Walt Disney is still alive; every eight months they unfreeze him and feed him small Cuban children.
    • The moon landing was faked, and the moon itself is a hologram.
    • Leprechauns control the world’s gold supply. (This line is tagged to Mudcat’s speaker ID; it’s probably mis-diarized.)
    • Earth is flat, “but so is every other planet. It’s called pancake space.”
    • Avocado toast is an alien mind-control device targeting millennials.
    • Traffic jams are caused by invisible parades.
    • The fountain of youth was found in 1923; it is unsweetened cranberry juice.
    • Every snowflake is a microchip from Santa to track your location.
    • Rain is the Earth taking a shower.
81. 1:38:00 — The special. “Just because I’m allegedly dead does not mean I don’t have any specials available… anti-tuna juice. Big Chinchillian government would like you to believe that tuna juice is a delicious and nutritious snack. It is not… $37.99.”
82. 1:38:30 Thea: “I had nothing to do with that!” The Lord of Fate: “You remember what I was saying about good job and all of that?… This is the things you have to know when you choose a champion!” Thea boils over: steam from her ears, her pink face bloated, cheeks puffed. “Welcome and good night, cause I gotta go to D20 Deathmatch!”

Full Dried Blood notes (click to expand)

Post-match interview (0:00:00–0:06:56). Mostly out of character.

1. 0:00:00 — The smack-talk apology. The file opens mid-sentence. Dr. Bees is giving a half-apology for the smack talk he delivered “tonight.” He jokes that a large percentage of “them” can’t read, “one of the lowest literacy rates in the world.” He says the smack talk was meant “in the style of like Smackdown or Raw, WWE.” He calls the audience “a lovely bunch… most sort of kind of a little bit maybe,” then admits, “This is a terrible apology. I started with some facts.” A host replies: “I said nothing untrue and I don’t apologize. I feel like that’s what I got out of that.”
2. 0:00:40 — US vs UK. RealLifeFakeWizard calls the apology “UK gobbledygook.” Dr. Bees: “I don’t know if you’ve seen the state of our country at the moment, but we’re going down.” A host: “We’re all in the same boat.” Another host: “That’s some beans on toes [toast] bullshit.”
3. 0:01:01 — Food jabs. RealLifeFakeWizard says the UK should apologize for black pudding, “the real offense to the world.” Dr. Bees concedes British cuisine is “not a thing that we are proud of.” A host: “the bombings are over. You guys can eat real food again.” Dr. Bees turns it into a joke about the UK comedy circuit “bombing left, right, and center.” Then: “We’ll stop eating ration food when they stop making it. Give us your turnips.” A host: “I think that’s what it says on the Statue of Liberty. Give us your turnips.” Dr. Bees: “With open arms, we accept your turnips.”
4. 0:02:07 — Both will fight again. A host: “we’ll give you all the turnips that you need as you both will be entering in Deathmatches later on this season.” The host then asks what each player learned this evening.
5. 0:02:29 — RealLifeFakeWizard’s takeaway. “I got to go back to the drawing board, folks.” He says that if he isn’t “fighting one of those Europeans again,” he would have made more Meghan Markle jokes had he been more prepared. A host promises to “find you an Aussie or a New Zealander,” then teases him: “Trip [shrimp] on the Barbie. That’s the only thing you got, isn’t it?” RealLifeFakeWizard: “That’s the only thing I have.”
6. 0:03:16–0:04:49 — Dr. Bees’s takeaway: the frogs. Someone mentions “your heat exhaustion” (“He’s dying here”); the speaker and meaning are unclear. Dr. Bees likes his stat spread, then says “maybe putting two into Bloodlust would have given me the edge and not killed me regarding fatigue.” From this it is inferred that Bofus died, apparently helped along by fatigue. He wishes he’d planned more moves for “the weird little man frog character… instead of just throwing frogs at people.” When his mind went blank, he kept falling back on the frogs. His mind was “screaming… do something with the cloaca,” but “I just couldn’t bring myself to that. I guess I’ll throw smaller frogs.” A host says the “panic ridiculous nonsense… kind of worked”: “wave after wave of frogs… overwhelming and delightful… It was a signature move and you should definitely do it again.”
7. 0:04:04–0:05:11 — The peloton. In the fight, Richard Knottley used a peloton (an exercise bike) as a thrown weapon. RealLifeFakeWizard: “I needed something absurd. I was like, I have the peloton. It can’t move. What am I going to do? Throw it.” Hosts: “The most movement that bike has ever seen.” “He could barely ride it, but somehow he could lift it and throw it.” Another line: “It’s all about the cardio. Go for lifting.” (Diarized as 00; the speaker may actually be RealLifeFakeWizard.) A host: “You’re definitely built for this. Strong move.” RealLifeFakeWizard: “I’m built like Aunt Trunchbull from Matilda.”
8. 0:05:19 — Takeaways for the Acolytes. A host asks each to leave the Acolytes at home with “a quote or a one-liner or a piece of advice… either from you as a person or from your character.”
   • Dr. Bees / Bofus (0:05:43): “From the bottom of my heart, like, I love this show so much.” Then a PSA: Kraft Singles are “a pasteurized cheese product,” not cheese. Under FDA rules a cheese must be 51% curds and whey, and Singles are less than that. “That’s them. That’s not me.” A host: “It’s still delicious. I’m still eating one after the match today.” Dr. Bees: “I’ve got some in my fridge… I just need the world to stop calling it cheese.” Another host: “You’ve swayed no one.” A host: “we put American in front of it, so that way you know it’s fake… As an American, I’m allowed to make that joke.” Dr. Bees: “You said that one, not me… I am exonerated.”
   • Richard Knottley (0:06:43): asked as “Richard Knottley dick twist, any final words?” He answers: “Safety first, but also be dangerous.”
9. 0:06:56 — Sign-off. “We will see you all on the next episode of D20 Deathmatch.”