S7E7 — A Father's Son — Agatha Middlebrooke v Lug Hardblock

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A toffee-dispensing grandma and a giant, spoiled barbarian with flames drawn on his space helmet were dropped onto a tiny orange asteroid in the Ether Drifts to fight to the death. What followed was half Deathmatch and half family therapy. There were illusory dads, a killer cat, a vengeful raccoon and sixty crushed worms. Then came a twist so strange that the Grandmaster compared it to a Greek tragedy, and she ended the night crowning Agatha Middlebrooke and Lug Hardblock together.

The Story

Before the Fight

The night began badly. After a crash in the fortress’s systems, the Arbiter announced that “Stuart is about to get fucking fired.” The Grandmaster was more forgiving: Stuart only needed to research new solutions, and he would get a bonus if the show made it to the end without him pulling any more plugs.

Deeper in the Dread Fortress, metal clanged and stone crumbled. Thea, the imp, was wedged in a narrow hallway as a giant pink Tyrannosaurus Rex. She had been stuck that way since a polymorph the week before, and she was in pain. “I don’t wanna be like this anymore!” she wailed. “It wasn’t supposed to last this long! Why am I still a dinosaur?!” Her thrashing stepped on the Arbiter’s shoes (“Oh, no, those are Italian leather!”). He climbed onto her back and smacked her on the head, and she melted like silly putty back into her imp form. “Easy fix. Just a knockoff wand.”

The Grandmaster’s heels clicked down the hall. “Do you see my fortress? It is in shambles.” She blamed the Arbiter, who had put the wand in the Box of Chaos for a champion to find. He refused the blame: “Listen, I put a guy’s soul in that box. I’m not responsible for what comes out of the box.” She wanted the box controlled, perhaps with a pocket dimension to pull from. He insisted “Nobody’s in charge of the box. It’s chaos in a box,” and then muttered to Thea that the Grandmaster had no idea how chaos works. Ticket sales would have to rebuild the fortress, and in the Arbiter’s view the whole mess was Stuart’s fault.

Grandma and the Biggest Man

The Arbiter flared his white glowing wings, clapped, and ripped a portal open. Through it came a sweet old lady (“Oh goodness, deary me. What strapping young people we have here today”) and a hulking barbarian who led the room in a “Hoo-yah.” When the Grandmaster greeted the “champions,” Lug corrected her: “Correction, champion. Singular.” The Arbiter liked him at once.

Agatha’s kindness was relentless, and it drove Lug up the wall. She was proud of him for building his confidence. She called him “such a big man.” When she mentioned her bad knees, he announced, “I’m jotting that down. I’m going to use that against you.” Then she handed the Arbiter a toffee “for your lovely portal,” and he was so touched he turned to the Grandmaster: “Why can’t you be nice like this? All you do is yell at me.”

They stepped into the blackness of space. The arena was one small asteroid among many, and the Acolytes floated above in zero-gravity grandstands, wearing helmets with tubes to get their beers inside. The Grandmaster put on her own helmet and gave the usual instruction: “Whatever you do, make sure you’re the only one who leaves this planet alive.”

Dads, Dads Everywhere

Lug charged first. As he ran he grew to two or three times his size, eclipsing the little grandma like the sun. The Grandmaster asked whether this was what steroids looked like and confirmed the Deathmatch has no anti-doping rules: “No, we absolutely do not.” Lug wound up “like I’m hitting a golf ball” and launched Agatha off the asteroid into open space. With no gravity to stop her, she would have drifted forever. Instead she vanished in a little poof of lavender and reappeared on solid ground. Lug protested that magic shouldn’t be allowed. “You did steroids,” Agatha replied.

Lug kept bringing up his father. His dad was never disappointed in him (“I’m his special boy”), and his dad had taught him that golf swing. Agatha decided she could help. The air around her turned to fog, and a dozen or more perfect copies of Lug’s dad appeared. Each was broad-shouldered, square-jawed and going a little silver, “classically handsome in a way that Lug didn’t quite get.” Agatha even wore his face over her own. All of them spoke at once: “I’m proud of you, son.”

Lug believed every word. “I’ve been waiting for so long to hear you say that. I can’t believe it’s finally happened. I’m going to win this for you, Papa.” As tears ran down his face, a cat came flying at him from his father’s own arm. It was Lord Cookie Mill, Agatha’s familiar, a sphinx that was “for all intents and purposes a cat,” trained through the Westhaven Book Club. It latched onto Lug’s face and tore open a nostril. “Oh, Lord Cookie Mill, bad kitty,” Agatha fretted. Lug reassured the illusions: “It’s okay. I’m really good at killing cats, just like you taught me.”

He tried to hurl the cat into space, but it clung on and climbed all over him. “You are now currently a cat tree,” the Grandmaster observed. He finally swatted it away. When he went to hug one of the dads, the illusion melted in his arms, like the opening of the Ark in Raiders of the Lost Ark. “I’ll get you this, witch,” he snarled, and then insisted the tears were from his injuries. Agatha gently suggested it was fine for men to cry. “Not me, not any male in my line. Therapy is for old people and poor people and I don’t need it.”

Agatha pointed at him and gave one firm command: “Share.” Lug protested that he didn’t share, being an only child, but the command took hold anyway: “I’m thinking about how my father never really supported me… I don’t think he’s ever shown a moment of kindness or warmth towards me. What the hell is happening?” Meanwhile the cat’s eyes had gone black like a shark’s. The Arbiter admitted he wasn’t sure he had ever spectated a therapy session before, and he wasn’t hating it. The Acolytes fell in love with Agatha, cheering her name, flinging slushies that floated off into space, and tearing off their clothes.

Jimothy

The Acolytes demanded chaos, and a tiny paw crept out of a crater. It belonged to Jimothy, “a slightly adorable deformed raccoon” with a nub of a tail and a few mangled teeth. Asked what a raccoon was doing on an asteroid, the Grandmaster said only, “Jimothy goes where Jimothy wants.” He approached Lug timidly, hoping for a kind hand. Agatha shooed him and hit him with her broom (“If the HOA saw raccoons by the curb, they would be in trouble”), and Lug joined in. Jimothy sprayed both champions with acidic urine and fled. “You could have been blessed by Jimothy,” the Grandmaster scolded. “You chose to attack it.”

The Wormhole

In the asteroid’s cracks, Lug spotted a whole civilization of tiny multicolored worms living underground, the same people as the old worm town whose mayor, Timothy, had died long ago. Lug saw only “more real estate to build high rise condominiums.” His weapon burst into flame (“I told you I’m gonna burn you, old lady”), but the cat appeared between them, stared at him with its black eyes, and turned the blow back into his own mind. The Acolytes hated Lug so much that the rebounding pain tripled. “This is the strongest cat I’ve ever seen,” Lug said. When Agatha praised his battle scars (“Who doesn’t like a man that’s had some experience?”), he begged her to stop saying nice things about him.

Then he spiked her. He sent her flying, chased her down, and hammered her straight into the crevasse. “I’m a whole goddamn volleyball team.” She smashed through the worm town and crushed sixty worms “as the screams of their children and their loved ones cry out into the heavens.” Agatha’s response was the darkest line of the night: “Oh, well, at least your souls will feed the garden.” Even Lug was rattled. “It’s a wormhole!” cried the Grandmaster.

Covered in squished worms, Agatha floated gently out of the hole “like a little magical grandma.” She had one question for Lug: “How do you think I knew what your father looked like?” Under the cat’s purr, like a radio slightly out of tune, Lug heard two words: “pathetic boy.” “Dad? Dad?” he cried, and then: “I thought he loved me.” Agatha handed out toffee and butterscotch, the Arbiter and the Grandmaster each took one, and the Grandmaster called a toffee break.

Little Death

After the break, Lug explained that he had come first in everything his whole life “because my dad paid people off,” from his first egg and spoon race to free college. He set out to crack Agatha’s space helmet and suffocate her (“Is that cool?”). He swung his new axe, “the Lamborghini of great axes,” while the Acolytes pelted him with slushies. Two blows split her faceplate to the top, and her air began to leak away.

Agatha looked at him calmly. “There comes a time in every grandma’s life where she has to do the right thing… Good shot. He would have been proud.” She drifted backwards and cast a spell called Little Death, which prompted Lug to point out, “In French that means a whole different thing.” Then she died, her body floating lifelessly above the asteroid. “Silencing women works,” Lug declared. The Grandmaster raised his wrist with a forced smile and named him the winner. In his speech he promised to demolish Agatha’s old people’s home and turn it into a soup kitchen for the poor, “and then break that down and then build a high rise condominiums.”

Grandma’s Ghost

The lights flickered. “That lady was not just some old grandma.” A ghastly Agatha shone through from the Ethereal Plane. “Did he ever tell you about your grandmother?” When Lug asked if she was his grandma, she confirmed it: “It is I, your grandma. And you killed me.” Lug’s father had kept her away from him, so she had cursed the man into her cat. “You’ve been fighting your dad this whole time,” the Grandmaster realized.

The ghost slipped into Lug through his very strong chin and gave her grandson “the one thing that he was never able to give himself. A hug.” The Acolytes watched Lug wrap his own arms around himself (“No, no, no, I hate this… this is what therapy is for”) while the cat clawed at his face. Agatha whispered, “You can be a better man than your father was,” and let him go. Bloodied and shrunk back to normal size, Lug heard her parting words, “Show your father that he is nothing to be afraid of,” and she returned to her body, alive again.

The Cat-Firework

Agatha did not fight. She wanted to see whether her grandson would stand up to his father “in the form of a little cat.” “Whether you’re actually my dad or just a regular cat, it doesn’t matter. I’ll kill you anyway,” Lug said. While Agatha cheered “Let him grow! Give him grace! He’s just a boy!”, he tore the cat off himself and smacked it so hard that it burned up in the asteroid’s thin air and burst like a firework. “And if that really was my dad, good riddance.”

Agatha floated down and offered a choice: fight his grandma, or live free of the yoke his father had put on him. “The first time in my life, I don’t need to win,” Lug said. He would still build the condos, though. “Thank you, Grandma.” She was glad, since now she wouldn’t have to summon a spirit of death. They agreed to summon one later to celebrate the condos.

The Grandmaster, absolutely flustered, admitted, “This was not the victory we were expecting.” Then she found her words: “There are many bonds that connect us. And that of family truly seems unbreakable. Unless you’re a cat, then it turns out you’re very breakable and you turn into a firework.” Both were crowned champions. Lug left the Acolytes some beauty advice (tape your mouth at night), and Agatha shared a shoplifting tip, which Lug condemned on behalf of big corporations. The crowd booed, cheered and threw popcorn, some of it in celebration and some of it at the champions.

Dried Blood

Agatha left the Acolytes with one last piece of grandmotherly wisdom: “Don’t forget to be yourself, but also probably get a real job and, you know, don’t be a fucking loser.” The Grandmaster’s verdict on the pair was “This family is the worst.” The Arbiter noted that they’re both alive, so the Void may see more of them.

Notable Moments

• Thea spent the opening stuck as a pink T-Rex, and the Arbiter cured her with a smack on the head.
• Agatha conjured a dozen illusory dads who all said “I’m proud of you, son,” and the real dad turned out to be the cat.
• Jimothy the raccoon offered a chance at a blessing, got a broom instead, and urine-sprayed both champions with acid.
• Agatha’s fall crushed sixty worms of the old worm civilization, and the Grandmaster declared it “a wormhole.”
• The Acolytes hated Lug so much that the cat’s attacks hit him three times as hard.
• Agatha died, came back as a ghost, revealed she was his grandmother, and made him hug himself.

Memorable Quotes

Agatha Middlebrooke: “It is I, your grandma. And you killed me.”

Lug Hardblock: “I don’t need aloe vera. I need my dad to love me.”

• The Arbiter: “Nobody’s in charge of the box. It’s chaos in a box.”
• Lug Hardblock: “Correction, champion. Singular.”
• Agatha Middlebrooke: “Oh, well, at least your souls will feed the garden.”
• Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer: “Don’t ask questions. Jimothy goes where Jimothy wants.”
• Agatha Middlebrooke: “This is not a rerun, you fuck.”
• Lug Hardblock: “The first time in my life, I don’t need to win. I’m still gonna do all that thing with the condominium though.”

Who and What Appears

Characters

Agatha Middlebrooke (Cinderblocksally). An old grandma and “classic spooky warlock” (per Dried Blood), with bad knees.

• Background: a member of the Westhaven Book Club (its council) and the local HOA. In her youth she was “a young rebel out in the mountains with the hemp and the boys.”
• Personality: hands out toffees and butterscotch, and is relentlessly complimentary. She is nice to everyone except raccoons and one chatter.
• Revealed to be Lug’s grandmother. Lug’s father kept her away from Lug, so she cursed him into her cat.
• Spells and powers: Misty Step (lavender poof), Silent Image, Command, Levitate, and Little Death (she dies, returns as a ghost able to possess people, then revives at half her maximum HP). She claims she can summon a spirit of death.
• Plan: to summon a spirit of death and collect souls to celebrate Lug’s condos.
• Tips: shoplifting from the bottom of the cart; “get a real job.”

Lug Hardblock (Zac). A rich, spoiled barbarian heel who grows enormous when he rages.

• Gear and powers: greataxe, warhammer, Elemental Cleaver (fire), Mighty Impel and pushing attacks, space helmet with flames drawn on.
• Appearance: one eye.
• His father: calls Lug “his special boy,” taught him golf, bribed his way to Lug’s firsts (an egg and spoon race, free college), and taught him to kill cats.
• Personality: an only child. Hates therapy, the poor and “handouts.” Real-estate developer with plans for high-rise condos on the worm town and on Agatha’s old home.
• In this episode: he killed the cat that held his father, chose not to fight his grandmother, and thanked her. Crowned a co-champion.

Lug’s father, “Papa”: broad-shouldered, tall, both eyes, square jaw, going silver, classically handsome. Cursed by Agatha into Lord Cookie Mill. Whispered “pathetic boy” through the cat. He died when Lug blew the cat up in the atmosphere.

Lord Cookie Mill (also “Cookie Milk”): Agatha’s familiar, a Sphinx of Wonder in cat form.

• Can fly. Its eyes go shark-black, and it uses Beguiling Defense to reflect damage.
• Rolled two natural 20 Strength saves.
• Exploded like a firework.

Jimothy: a deformed raccoon with a nub tail and mangled teeth, living in an asteroid crater in the Ether Drifts. “Jimothy goes where Jimothy wants.” He might have blessed someone kind. Shooed and struck with a broom, he urine-sprayed both champions (acid) and fled.

Thea: the worm imp. She was stuck as a pink T-Rex after a polymorph from a knockoff wand out of the Box of Chaos, and wrecked the fortress hallway. The Arbiter restored her.

Stuart: blamed for the tech failure. The Arbiter wants him fired; the Grandmaster offers him a bonus if the show survives. Whether he is in-world is unclear.

The Arbiter (Mudcat): fixed Thea, and denies responsibility for the Box of Chaos (“Nobody’s in charge of the box”). Wears Italian leather shoes. Enjoys toffee and Agatha’s kindness. White glowing wings.

Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer (Caustic Phoenix): angry about the fortress damage and wants the box controlled. Switches sides repeatedly. Flustered by the ending, she crowned both champions.

The worm civilization: tiny multicolored worm-like beings underground in the asteroid crater. Agatha’s fall crushed 60 of them. (Dried Blood: worm lore since about Season 1; their mayor was killed.)

Places

• The Dread Fortress: a hallway damaged by T-Rex Thea, with its foundation needing repair.
• The Ether Drifts asteroid (“tiny orange planet”): meteors, craters, almost no gravity or atmosphere, zero-G Acolyte grandstands with helmets and beer tubes.
• The worm crater, now a “wormhole.”
• Westhaven (the Westhaven Book Club).
• Agatha’s old home (an old people’s home, which Lug plans to demolish).

Items

• The knockoff wand (polymorph), from the Box of Chaos.
• The Box of Chaos: “I put a guy’s soul in that box.”
• Space helmets: Agatha’s cracked, Lug’s with flames. The Grandmaster’s “spatial helmet.”
• Toffees and butterscotch.
• Lug’s “Lamborghini of great axes” and warhammer.
• The champions’ crowns.

Lore statements

• The Arbiter says that nobody controls what comes out of the Box of Chaos. The Grandmaster wants it given a controlled pocket dimension.
• The Arbiter’s portals don’t normally have doors, but he can give them one.
• Raccoons are rare in the Ether Drifts.
• The Deathmatch has no anti-doping rules.

Full Round-by-Round

Every beat of the episode, with timestamps (click to expand)

Opening: Stuart, and Thea the T-Rex

1. 0:00:43 — Stuart. The show opens after a tech crash. The Arbiter: “Stuart is about to get fucking fired.” The Grandmaster says Stuart just needs to research new tech solutions. She promises him a bonus if the show makes it to the end without him pulling any more plugs. A voice replies (speaker uncertain): “Cheers. With what money?”
2. 0:01:11 — The fortress in shambles. The scene moves into the Dread Fortress, where there is thrashing: metal clangs to the ground, stone crumbles, and a roar (or a cry) comes from the hallways. Thea, the imp, is stuck in a narrow hallway as a giant pink blob of a Tyrannosaurus Rex. She has been trapped in that shape since the polymorph “from last time” and is in pain.
   • Thea: “I don’t wanna be like this anymore! It wasn’t supposed to last this long! Why am I still a dinosaur?!”
   • Her thrashing tramples forward and steps on the Arbiter’s shoes: “Oh, no, those are Italian leather!”
3. 0:02:32 — The fix. The Arbiter climbs onto the T-Rex’s back, rubs his hands together and smacks her on top of the head. Her body turns to something like silly putty and molds back into her worm-imp form, and the Arbiter floats down. “There, see? You just had to stay still for five seconds. Easy fix. Just a knockoff wand.”
4. 0:03:07 — The Box of Chaos argument. The Grandmaster’s heels click down the hallway: “Do you see my fortress? It is in shambles.” She asks how long it will take to repair the foundation. She blames the Arbiter: he put the wand in the Box of Chaos as an option, and one of the champions used it to turn Thea into a T-Rex.
   • The Arbiter: “Listen, I put a guy’s soul in that box. I’m not responsible for what comes out of the box.”
   • She tells him he’s responsible “from here on out.” He says she has no idea how putting souls in boxes works. She threatens to micromanage him: “Do you want me to watch every single thing you do from here on out?”
   • The Arbiter: “You should be talking to the box… Nobody’s in charge of the box. It’s chaos in a box.”
   • The Grandmaster: “Chaos is for the realm. The box should be controlled. Give it some sort of dimension or pocket that it can pull out of.”
   • The Arbiter turns to Thea: “She has no idea how chaos works. She’s stupid.”
5. 0:04:21 — Funds. The Grandmaster hopes enough ticket sales will rebuild “the fortress that you destroyed because you allowed Thea to get turned into a T-Rex.” The Arbiter refuses the blame: “Not my fault.” He does have the champions, though: “Stuart tried to derail us here, but I got him anyway.” The Grandmaster: “Everything’s somebody else’s fault.” The Arbiter: “It was Stuart’s fault.”
6. 0:04:50 — The portal. The Arbiter flares his white glowing wings and claps his hands. The sound waves warp reality and rip a portal open. “Grandmaster, for your pleasure or whatever, here comes Agatha Middlebrook and Lug Hardblock.”

The champions arrive

7. 0:05:28 Agatha: “Lovely to see you all. Oh goodness, deary me. What strapping young people we have here today.” Lug leads a “Hoo-yah,” and the Grandmaster joins in.
   • The Grandmaster: “Champions. A grandma and a…” Lug: “Correction, champion. Singular.” The Arbiter: “Oh, see, I like this guy. He’s gonna win.”
8. 0:05:58 — Agatha’s kindness. Lug: “I’m fighting an old woman… I’m building up confidence I can put on my shoes and socks in the morning.” Agatha: “Oh yeah, wow! I’m so proud of you!” Lug: “I don’t need your pride, okay? I’m gonna fight you, and I’m gonna win with violence.”
   • Agatha: “You’re such a big man!” Lug: “I’m the biggest man… I’m gonna punch you. With my fists, and maybe with also weapons.”
   • Lug, aside: “Is she allowed to just say wow like that?… How can I hurt you?”
9. 0:06:48 — Knees and doors. The Grandmaster offers Agatha a hand through “the door to the portal.” Agatha: “My knees aren’t so good these days.” Lug: “I’m jotting that down. I’m going to use that against you.”
   • The Arbiter objects that his portals don’t have doors. Agatha praises the portal anyway and asks who made it.
   • She gives the Arbiter a toffee “for your lovely portal.” He is touched and asks the Grandmaster: “Why can’t you be nice like this? All you do is yell at me.” The Grandmaster: “What I’m doing is nicely not firing you because you haven’t gotten us into the arena yet.”
   • The Arbiter changes the portal’s door from wooden to metal and opens it.
10. 0:07:57 — The arena. They step into the unfathomable blackness of space: asteroids and the Ether Drifts, with the fight on one asteroid.
    • The Acolytes float above in zero-G grandstands, wearing helmets with tubes to get their beers inside. “Don’t worry about it. It works. It’s mechanically sound.”
    • The Grandmaster gently pulls her arm away from Agatha. “Don’t hold back, don’t underestimate each other, and whatever you do, make sure you’re the only one who leaves this planet alive.” She puts on her own spatial helmet and flies up to join the Acolytes.
11. 0:09:17 — Initiative. Agatha rolls a 5 (“I just need to get a couple things ready… Oh, look at this lovely scoreboard”). Lug rolls 14. The Grandmaster: “at least Agatha rolled something.” The Arbiter joins her in the grandstands: “Let’s see some blood.”

Round 1

12. 0:10:13 — Lug charges. He tosses his axe overhand, catches it and charges. As he runs he grows to enormous size, double or triple, eclipsing the little grandma like the sun. He swings two-handed: “How’s your hips on this one?”
    • The Grandmaster: “Arbiter, is that what steroids looks like?” The Arbiter asks whether they have anti-doping rules. The Grandmaster: “No, we absolutely do not.”
    • Agatha: “Were we supposed to bring grass?”
13. 0:12:22 — The golf swing. Lug trades his advantage for a harder push and hits. He winds up “like I’m hitting a golf ball, because she’s so tiny.” Agatha flies 30 ft backwards “like a small meteor across this planet’s orbit.” She fails the save and sails off the asteroid into space. With no gravity, she would keep drifting.
14. 0:13:40 — The lavender poof. As a reaction, Agatha casts Misty Step, which stops her momentum, and lands back on the platform “in a little poof of lavender.”
    • Lug: “You shouldn’t be allowed to do that. That’s magic.” Agatha: “You did steroids.” The Arbiter rules that magic is definitely allowed.
    • Lug: “My father… my father would know about this.”
    • The Arbiter asks a “science question”: does Misty Step stop momentum? Agatha: “Yes.” He can’t argue with that.
15. 0:14:47 — “Special boy.” The Grandmaster: “Your father would be disappointed.” Lug: “He’s never disappointed with me. I’m his special boy.” The Grandmaster calls him a spoiled kid. Lug: “You know why I learned that swing? My dad on the golf course.” She switches sides: “Agatha, crush him!” she screams from her space chair.
16. 0:15:20 — The dads. Agatha: “That was a really good hit… You said you like when your father makes you proud, too?… I can help.”
    • Her eyes flash and the area around her turns to foggy haze. She casts Silent Image: 12 to 15 perfect replicas of Lug’s dad, as many as fit in a 20-ft cube (“So many dads”). She also plasters his visage over herself like a hologram.
    • All of them say at once: “I’m proud of you, son.”
17. 0:16:57 — Papa. Lug fails the Wisdom save badly.
    • Lug describes his dad: broad-shouldered and tall, with both eyes, “unlike Lug, who’s lost one.” Both arms, two legs, a square jaw, going a little silver. “Classically handsome in a way that Lug didn’t quite get.”
    • The dads strike poses that are very masculine “but in a way that is also sort of deeply feminine… that old-timey 1950s adventurer vibe.”
    • Lug believes it: “I’ve been waiting for so long to hear you say that. I can’t believe it’s finally happened. I’m going to win this for you, Papa.”
18. 0:18:48 — The cat. As tears fall down Lug’s face, a cat comes flying at him “from your father’s own arm.”
    • It is Agatha’s familiar, a Sphinx of Wonder that is “for all intents and purposes a cat.” She trained it through the Westhaven Book Club, as part of the council and the local HOA (“Everyone should join a book club”), so it acts on her bonus action.
    • It rends with advantage, because Lug thinks it’s his dad, and hits. It latches onto Lug’s face (“a cute face hugger,” says the Grandmaster) and tears his nostril up, dealing piercing and radiant damage.
    • Agatha: “Oh, Lord Cookie Mill, bad kitty… He’s usually so nice to strangers.”
    • Lug, to the dads: “It’s okay. I’m really good at killing cats, just like you taught me.”
19. 0:21:25 — Jumping the gun. Lug starts his next turn before round two is called. The Grandmaster: “Round two begins when we say it begins.”
    • Lug: “I’m kind of a rebel, actually. I kind of push boundaries.” The Grandmaster: “He’s a rebel boy. Real heartbreaker for the girls.”
    • The Grandmaster: “You want another hole in your other nose?” Lug: “Don’t make me open a portal with a door on it.”
    • Agatha offers aloe vera. Lug: “I don’t need aloe vera. I need my dad to love me.”

Round 2

20. 0:22:20 — The cat tree. Lug uses Mighty Impel on the cat, not on Agatha: “That’s my dad over there.” He grabs it off his face with a huge mitt: “not the first time I’ve chucked a cat into space, am I right?”
    • The cat makes its Strength save with a 22. It clings on and climbs all over him. The Grandmaster: “You are now currently a cat tree.”
    • Agatha: “Lord Cookie Mill has been with me since I first joined the Westhaven Book Club. He has seen me through many trials and tribulations.” On the name: “Cookie Mill, but if you like Cookie Milk, he won’t mind.”
    • The Grandmaster: “This is a killer cat. I’m not about to offend it.”
21. 0:24:29 — Swatting the cat. Lug holds his weapon one-handed and swats the cat with a reckless attack. It hits and knocks the cat 15 ft off him.
    • He tries to push it further; the cat rolls a natural 20 on the Strength save. Agatha forgets her own cat’s name (“Lord Chocolate Mill, what was his name?”).
    • She praises Lug’s skills. Lug: “No, it’s bad. It’s bad. I’m hurting your cat. Be madder about this.”
22. 0:26:55 — The dads melt. Lug walks to the illusions: “I’m going to make you proud, dad. I’m going to kill that old lady so good for you.” He goes to hug one.
    • Agatha’s narration: like the opening of the Ark in Raiders of the Lost Ark, the illusion doesn’t just disappear. It melts away in his arms.
    • Lug: “I’ll get you this, witch. That’s what you are. You’re a goddamn witch. I’m gonna burn you alive.”
23. 0:28:04 — Not crying. Lug says the tears are “because of my injuries.” Agatha: “Because of emotions. You know, some people think it’s okay for men to cry.” Lug: “Not me, not any male in my line.”
    • “Therapy is for old people and poor people and I don’t need it… It’s for the weak and I’m strong. I’m so strong, father.”
    • The Grandmaster: “He’s definitely bottling all that up.”
24. 0:29:11 — “Share.” Agatha: “That was a fun little illusion, wasn’t it? Did you like the illusion, Lord Cookie Milk?” The cat’s eyes go black like a shark’s. It stares right at Lug, and a very faint noise comes from it.
    • Agatha suggests tea and getting his feelings out, then points at Lug and casts Command: “Share.” The Grandmaster: “What are you, a Precious Moments?”
    • Lug: “I don’t share. I’m an only child.” But he fails the save.
    • Lug: “I’m thinking about how my father never really supported me and how I tell him I’m his special boy and really I don’t think he’s ever shown a moment of kindness or warmth towards me. What the hell is happening?”
25. 0:31:33 — The rocket cat. The cat (fly speed 40 ft) zooms back in at the back of Lug’s head. It misses and whizzes past, still clawing for his nose. (“What is this rocket propelled cat?” “Naturally, as cats do.”)
26. 0:32:24 — End of round 2. The Arbiter: “Grandmaster, I don’t know that I’ve ever spectated a therapy session. I’m not hating it.” The Grandmaster: “I think we’re all going to need therapy after this, but I don’t think Lug’s ready to face that music.”
    • The Acolytes demand a chaos event. They cheer Agatha’s name as the cat whizzes by, throw slushies that float off into space, and rip off their clothes.
    • Agatha gets a hero point. The Acolytes’ love gives her enough adrenaline that her next hit does crit damage. Lug: “They like the old lady? That sucks… Lug’s never careful.”

Chaos event: Jimothy the raccoon (0:33:43)

27. The Grandmaster sets the scene: a tiny orange planet, meteors in the sky, craters across the ground. A tiny paw creeps out of a crater, then a head, then a body. It is Jimothy, “a slightly adorable deformed raccoon.” His ringtail is more of a nub, and he bares a few mangled teeth.
    • The Arbiter: “What is Jimothy doing on an asteroid in space?” The Grandmaster: “Don’t ask questions. Jimothy goes where Jimothy wants.”
    • The Arbiter: “Listen, you don’t see a lot of raccoons in the Ether Drifts.” The Grandmaster: “Well, you don’t go around the Ether Drift very often, do you?”
28. 0:35:04 Lug wins the animal-handling contest. Jimothy approaches him timidly, with big open eyes, hoping for a kind hand.
    • Agatha shoos him and hits him with her broom, and adds that her cat will probably eat him. “If the HOA saw raccoons by the curb, they would be in trouble.”
    • Lug joins in: “That’s a rabid animal. Guys, get that shit out of here.”
    • Lug then tries to take it back: “just because its father didn’t love it doesn’t mean it’s worth shooing away.” The Grandmaster: “You made your choice. You shooed.”
29. 0:36:10 — The spray. Jimothy urine-sprays in both their directions. Both fail and take acid damage, “because who knows what that trash panda has been eating.” Jimothy hisses and runs.
    • Agatha: “Oh, dearie me!… It just makes things difficult for the poor garbage men… their job is already so difficult.”
    • The Grandmaster: “You could have been blessed by Jimothy. You chose to attack it.” Lug: “I’m not getting rabies.”
    • The Arbiter: “I like how his grandma is nice to everyone but the raccoon.”

Round 3: the worm town

30. 0:37:27 The Grandmaster: “Lug, I’m cheering for you now.” Lug: “You know what I’m going to do when I kill this grandma? I’m going to demolish her old people’s home.”
31. 0:38:05 — The discovery. Lug asks what’s in the cracks of the asteroid. In a crater he sees “an entire ecosystem, a tiny civilization of worm-like beings of a multitude of colors living underground.” Lug: “Oh, more real estate to build high rise condominiums. Better start clearing land now.”
32. 0:38:30 He tries to hurl Agatha toward the crevasse, but she resists (“Ooh, you’re so strong.” “I am strong. I’m so strong. My God.”).
33. 0:40:13 — The burning axe. Lug swings two-handed and hits. His weapon comes alight with fire (Elemental Cleaver): “I told you I’m gonna burn you, old lady.” He calls it a hammer here, and the table jokes about “Warhammer, this is D&D.”
34. 0:42:10 — Beguiling Defense. As a reaction, the cat appears between them, its eyes go black, and it stares at Lug.
    • It halves the damage to Agatha and turns damage back on Lug as psychic.
    • The Acolytes’ hatred of Lug (his fatigue) and their love of Agatha (her adrenaline) triple the reflected damage. “Technically the cat… Lord Cookie Mill.”
    • Agatha: “You always get so silly when people get aggressive with me.” Lug: “This is the strongest cat I’ve ever seen.”
35. 0:44:07 — The good-looking rating. The Grandmaster explains that Lug’s glowing number is his health, “not the Arbiter’s scale of how good your good-looking rating is.” Lug: “Well, it can be two things.”
    • The Arbiter: “the lower your health, the worse you start to look, unless you’re into that.” Lug: “Did Aragorn look a little better, bloodied up?”
    • Agatha: “Who doesn’t like a man that’s had some experience?… Anyone would be happy to be with you.” Lug: “Stop saying nice things about me.”
36. 0:45:20 — The spike. Agatha fails the Strength save and flies 40 ft backwards. Lug runs after her and hits her again over the top of the crevasse, spiking her straight down into it.
    • The Grandmaster: “Normally, it takes two volleyball players.” Lug: “I’m a whole goddamn volleyball team.”
    • Agatha missiles into the ground and breaks it open to “a tiny million voices.”
37. 0:46:57 — Sixty worms. The Arbiter “wants to do one better” and has Agatha roll a d100. She rolls 60. “You just hear the sounds under your bodies as you hit worm after worm after worm, crushing 60 worms on your way as the screams of their children and their loved ones cry out into the heavens.”
    • Lug: “I love the real estate business.”
    • Agatha: “Oh, well, at least your souls will feed the garden.” Lug: “Holy shit, man, that’s darker than some of the things I’ve said.”
    • The Grandmaster: “It’s a wormhole! You’re in a wormhole!” The Arbiter: “Does this one have a door too?”
38. 0:48:23 Agatha lies deep in the crevasse among broken homes, her clothes painted with squished worms of all colors. She looks up at “Lug’s mug.” (“That rhymed.” “Please stop.”)
39. 0:48:46 — Levitate. Agatha wipes the worm refuse off and goes “puff, puff, puff.” She casts Levitate and floats out of the crevasse “like a little magical grandma.”
    • The Grandmaster asks if she’s getting high. Agatha: “Oh, no, my days of being a young rebel out in the mountains with the hemp and the boys. No, those days are mostly behind me.” The Arbiter: “Now it’s just for the glaucoma.” “Oh, yes.”
    • Lug: “No one cares about your old person stories.”
40. 0:49:42 — The question. Agatha: “I would just like to ask you one question… How do you think I knew what your father looked like?”
41. 0:49:59 — “Pathetic boy.” The cat attacks again, with advantage because Lug is attacking recklessly, and hits. The Acolytes’ fatigue on Lug doubles the damage.
    • The Grandmaster: “Lug has more enemies on this field than he realizes.” Lug: “Why do they hate me? I’m handsome.” The Arbiter: “That’s such a villain thing. I’m too good looking to be hated.” Lug: “You get that she’s old, right?”
    • Narration: under the cat’s “vroom, vroom” purr, “almost like a radio that’s a little out of sync,” Lug hears: “pathetic boy.”
    • Lug: “Dad? Dad?” Agatha: “Oh, that cat’s so silly.” Lug: “I thought he loved me.”
42. 0:52:19 — Toffee break. Agatha checks whether everyone is all right and offers toffee and butterscotch. The Arbiter takes another toffee, and so does the Grandmaster.
    • Lug: “I don’t need handouts, all right? That’s for the poor.”
    • The Grandmaster: “That’s it! We’re going on toffee break!” The Arbiter: “Acolytes, go get yourself some blue slushies and some toffees.”

Ad break (0:53:03–1:03:55, excluded)

Round 4: the helmet

44. 1:03:55 — Lug is late. Zac is missing from the screen. The Grandmaster calls “Lug! Is he working out in the gym or something?” and calls it a dramatic pause before his entrance. Lug says the crowd noise is a cheer: “They’re not booing.” The Grandmaster: “if you’re a little deaf, it sounds nice still.”
45. 1:04:58 — Agatha and the chatter. A chat member asks whether the show is live, and Agatha snaps: “This is not a rerun, you fuck.” (The line is diarized to a Caustic Phoenix ID, but Cinderblocksally claims it as Agatha’s at 1:05:10.)
    • Agatha’s apology: “I don’t think you’re a fuck, by the way. That’s just Agatha… you don’t get to stay ahead of the HOA by playing nice to the chat.”
46. 1:05:29 — Always first. The Grandmaster: “Are those two brain cells not working for you?”
    • Lug: “I was first in everything. I’ve been first my whole life. And you know why? Because my dad paid people off.” (Diarized to Zac’s second ID): “I won my first egg and spoon race.”
    • Lug: “I got into college for free. It’s incredible. You should try being rich.”
47. 1:06:08 — Helmets. They are wearing space helmets so they don’t asphyxiate. Agatha offers to put a doily on Lug’s. Lug: “No, mine’s masculine and cool. I drew flames on the sides.”
    • He spends his hero point to try to smash Agatha’s helmet: “I want to asphyxiate this old lady to death in space. Is that cool?” The Arbiter rules he could do that anyway, so the hero point gives him an extra attack toward it.
48. 1:07:37 — The cracked faceplate. Lug has dropped the warhammer and grown “this fucking huge cleaver-like axe,” which the Grandmaster calls “the Lamborghini of great axes.” He smashes it into Agatha’s faceplate.
    • Agatha: “He’s so firm in his attacks.” Lug: “Don’t compliment me when I’m hitting you, all right? It’s weird.”
    • The Acolytes scream Lug’s name, “but not in a good way,” and pelt him with slushies: “a downpour of cold ice.”
    • Lug’s second hit lands (“I don’t like it when I have to hear old people talk”). The crack runs to the top of Agatha’s helmet. Her air is escaping, and she has about three rounds left. Lug: “Bye.”
49. 1:10:08 — Little Death. Agatha: “There comes a time in every grandma’s life where she has to do the right thing for… the young people, for her family.” She looks around, then at Lug: “Good shot. He would have been proud.”
    • She drifts backwards and casts the spell Little Death, “perfect for a little lady.” Lug: “In French that means a whole different thing.”
    • She drops to zero hit points and dies. Her body begins to float up lifelessly, held in the asteroid’s general space by just enough gravity.
    • Lug: “Silencing women works.” The Arbiter: “That’s the official stance of D20 Deathmatch.”
50. 1:12:02 — Lug’s victory. Lug: “What’s that? I’m a hero? Thanks, everyone… Victory for me.” He leads a “Lug! Lug!” chant and flexes to the audience.
51. 1:12:42 — The forced smile. The Grandmaster steps under Agatha’s floating body, takes Lug’s wrist and holds his hand up with a forced smile. “Today, we have a winner. First place champion… who has claimed victory fairly. And we’re so proud.”
    • Lug: “Never lost. Never in question.” Then: “Say proud again. It really makes me feel warm inside.”
52. 1:13:44 — Lug’s victory speech. “Whatever that old lady’s name was. I’m going to demolish the old home that she was living in. I’m going to turn it into a soup kitchen for the poor, really make it a pillar of community, and then break that down and then build a high rise condominiums.”

Agatha’s ghost: the grandmother reveal

53. 1:14:04 The lights flicker, and a voice says: “That lady was not just some old grandma.”
    • A ghastly, ethereal Agatha forms. She exists in the Ethereal Plane, but she can be seen and heard shining through it as “a visage of death.”
    • Agatha: “I am not just any grandma, dear love. Your [rapscallion] father. Did he ever tell you about your grandmother?”
    • Lug: “What? You’re my grandma?” Agatha: “It is I, your grandma. And you killed me.”
54. 1:15:26 — The cat was the father. Lug: “You were never there for me, Grandma.”
    • Agatha: “That is true, because your father kept me away, and I have cursed him by putting him in that cat.”
    • The Grandmaster: “You’ve been fighting your dad this whole time.”
55. 1:15:52 — The possession. Agatha now has a ghost stat block: “You want to see what I can do as a ghost?” Lug: “I ain’t scared of ghosts or cats.”
    • Lug fails the Charisma save, weighed down by the Acolytes’ fatigue. (“Does that pass? That’s always passed in my classes… at university.”)
    • Agatha touches her ethereal hand to his “very strong chin” (which he “should be proud of and not need to worry about the way people look at him too much”) and melts into him.
    • Agatha, through Lug: “And now I shall give my grandson the one thing that he was never able to give himself. A hug.” She puppeteers him into hugging himself.
    • Lug: “No, no, no, I hate this… this is what therapy is for.” Agatha: “Yes, feel it, feel it.” Lug: “Yucky, yucky, ew… I’m cooler than this.”
    • The Grandmaster notes that everyone is just watching Lug struggle by himself as his own arms wrap around him.
56. 1:18:33 — The cat strikes. Lug: “The cat’s gonna kill me.” Agatha: “Yeah, the cat’s gonna come up and try to claw his face! Because it’s his mean dad!”
    • As the cat attacks, she whispers: “You can be a better man than your father was,” and releases him.
    • The Grandmaster asks for Lug’s dad’s name; she doesn’t want to call the cat “Dad.” Lug: “Papa.” Caustic Phoenix: “Who the fuck doesn’t know his own dad’s name?”
    • The cat hits, and the Acolytes triple the damage, pelting Lug with slushies and cheering Agatha. Lug is left badly bloodied.
    • Lug’s rage has ended and he has shrunk back to normal size, since “we technically crowned you and you hugged yourself.”
57. 1:20:42 — Agatha returns. Agatha’s ghost: “Show your father that he is nothing to be afraid of.” She vanishes, ends the spell and returns to her body at half her maximum hit points.
58. 1:21:23 — Her choice. The Grandmaster asks whether Agatha is now fighting alongside her grandson.
    • Agatha: “I am choosing to see if my grandson is willing to not just be a man that talks of real estate and the poor, but being a man that stands up to the evil of his father in the form of a little cat.”
    • Caustic Phoenix: “Can you fight your dad as a little cat? Are you brave enough?” Lug: “I’m so brave, I can fight any kitty cat.”

Round 6: the cat-firework

59. 1:22:16 Lug tries Mighty Impel on “my father cat.” The cat rolls another natural 20 and runs around him again (“He’s such a dick of a dad… He’s really not letting you have your moment”).
    • The Grandmaster: “this just sounds like a terrible Greek tragedy. Like you accidentally fighting your grandma and then killing your dad.”
    • Lug: “Whether you’re actually my dad or just a regular cat, it doesn’t matter. I’ll kill you anyway.”
60. 1:23:49 Agatha cheers him on: “Let him grow! Give him grace! He’s just a boy!” Caustic Phoenix: “He’s a boy! He’s a man!”
61. 1:24:06 — The kill. Lug grabs the cat off himself and smacks it one-handed with the warhammer. It fails the Strength save, and the damage exactly equals its remaining hit points.
    • Lug: “I hit it so hard, it starts to burn up on what little atmosphere is still on this asteroid… it just starts to break apart and almost like a firework just explode in the upper atmosphere.”
    • Lug: “I would do that to any cat.” The Arbiter: “Non-discriminatory.” Lug: “And if that really was my dad, good riddance.”
62. 1:25:51 — The choice. Agatha levitates down to the ground. “Grandson, you have a lot to learn… I can’t tell you what to do. You must make a choice. Do you want to fight your grandma? Or do you want to go off and live a life free from the yoke that your father has put upon you?”
63. 1:26:29 — Lug chooses freedom. “The first time in my life, I don’t need to win. I’m still gonna do all that thing with the condominium though.” Agatha: “I mean, that’s just sensible.”
    • Lug: “I’m heavily invested in that… Thank you, Grandma.”
64. 1:27:05 — The spirit of death. Agatha: “Oh, I’m glad you said that. That way I didn’t have to summon a spirit of death.” Lug: “That’s a thing you can do?… I kind of want to see it now.”
    • Agatha: “Get the condominium thing going… and as part of a celebration for once you’ve accomplished that goal, we’ll summon a spirit of death and collect some souls. It’ll be fun.” Lug: “Yeah, that sounds fun. I guess.”

Crowning both

65. 1:27:53 The Grandmaster: “This was not the victory we were expecting. But at least blood has been spilled.” She walks toward them.
    • “There are many bonds that connect us. And that of family truly seems unbreakable. Unless you’re a cat, then it turns out you’re very breakable and you turn into a firework.”
    • “Agatha and Lug. I am… mixed emotions, please. The two of you are champions tonight in this arena. The two of you have showed us and challenged who you really are and what you truly want.”
66. 1:29:04 — Words of wisdom.
    • Lug: “Tape up your mouth during sleep… and try mewing… it gives you a stronger jawline. Keep doing that.”
    • Agatha: “If you go to the grocery store… if you put some things on the bottom [of the cart] and forget to scan them out, people usually don’t notice.”
    • Lug: “That’s thievery. She’s a villain. She should be locked up… You know who you’re hurting? Big corporations. And they don’t need that.”
67. 1:29:44 — Crowns. The Grandmaster, absolutely flustered, takes a step back: “Your champions.” Crowns are placed on both their heads. The crowd goes wild, booing and cheering in a mix of confused emotions; some throw popcorn in celebration, some throw it at them. “Welcome and goodnight to D20 Deathmatch!”

Full Dried Blood notes (click to expand)

In character (canon, Dried Blood)

• 1:44:54 Agatha’s parting words to the Acolytes: “Don’t forget to be yourself, but also probably get a real job and, you know, don’t be a fucking loser.”
• 1:45:05 “Invest in fossil fuels.” This is Zac, probably as Lug; whether it’s in character is uncertain.
• Caustic Phoenix: “This family is the worst.” Mudcat: “They’re both alive, so maybe we’ll see more of them.”

Creator notes (out of character)

• Cinderblocksally is returning to the show, last time “as an Eldritch Horror in a backpack.” Agatha is “your classic spooky warlock… Grandma first, warlock second.”
• Caustic Phoenix: Agatha reminds her of her own grandma, Betty. Zac: “You know that time Betty died on purpose?”
• Cinder’s only plan: Agatha is a grandma and does no damage herself; all damage comes from her pet cat. He had considered making her an alcoholic. The grandmother storyline was improvised.
• Zac’s plan: the dad was a throwaway “hateable quality” (“don’t you know who my father is”). He trusted Cinder to build on it. He chose barbarian so that Lug’s one strength is launching people into the environment.
• The two agreed in advance only that Agatha would be a grandma and Lug an asshole, plus some mechanics, so the characters would interact well.
• Mudcat on the worms: “there’s a whole backstory to the worms and they’ve already traumatized a lot… It dates back to, like, season two. No, season one, maybe.” Caustic Phoenix: “Their mayor has been killed, sacrificed.” Caustic Phoenix jokes about the coming “worm war.” The table riffs that Lug buys their property for condos and employs the worms to build them (“they can do all the electrics”).
• Caustic Phoenix was baffled about how the Grandmaster should react to the ending; she compares it to a season finale of White Lotus (“send this to Mike White”).
• Zac: “I should have just tried to kill my grandma… I’ve killed one family member, why not make it two?” Cinder was happiest that “at the end of the day, these are still bad people.”
• Alternate reveals they joked about: Mudcat expected a fake-out (“I’m not your grandma”); Zac expected “I fucked your dad.” Caustic Phoenix: “we need to multiverse this.”
• Mechanics: chat said Lug was the best heel in a while (“Dick Twist… Good old Richard” mentioned as a past heel). The Acolytes stacked so much fatigue on him that Mudcat improvised triple damage, a new use of the system (“I was so hated that I kind of broke the system”).
• The “are you live” chatter: the table loved it. Cinder: “That’s called setting expectations.” Caustic Phoenix: that was the meanest thing Agatha said all night, and it was aimed at a random fan.
• It’s Zac’s first time on the show in seven seasons. His planned entrance was being carried in a palanquin on an ivory tower (the table then riffs on factory-farmed elephants and a resurrected woolly mammoth).
• Plugs: Cinderblocksally (YouTube/Twitch: Warhammer and D&D; an upcoming D&D stream built on audience-submitted homebrew). ZacSpeaksGiant (stories; Reality Check, a D&D one-shot that replaces dice with physical and mental challenges, Taskmaster-like; live shows in Perth and an unannounced Sydney date).