First appearance: S2E11 — Secrets — Blaktoof v Zorhel · watch it on YouTube
Blaktoof, son of Blakteef and self-proclaimed champion of the War of a Thousand Toofs, strode into the Void demanding fame, glory and riches. He drank anything handed to him, twirled his crossbow like a cowboy, and could not keep a secret to save his life. He was also not Blaktoof. Halfway through his Deathmatch against Zorhel, a thunderous halberd blow landed, and three shrieking goblins tumbled out as his clothes fell to the floor.
Story
The Kitchen and the Cavern
Blaktoof was summoned in S2E11 — Secrets — Blaktoof v Zorhel. The portal opened into an unlikely spot: the kitchen of The Dread Fortress, where the Grandmaster was sipping a suspicious pink potion called Mountain Dew Major Melon. Blaktoof introduced himself grandly and said he had come for “Fame and glory! And riches.” The Arbiter admitted he had promised riches, then reasoned that Blaktoof would probably die anyway. When Zorhel complained that daylight savings had cost him his morning coffee, Blaktoof declared that daylight savings time would be his next foe. Zorhel offered him his halberd for that fight.
The arena was an abandoned mine cavern, given up after “a few cave-ins too many,” open to the sky with The Acolytes circled above. Their enthusiasm set off two chaos events at once. Each champion sprouted a foot-and-a-half black bee stinger from his butt, which Blaktoof welcomed as more pointy bits on his body. Then the impatient Acolytes emptied their pockets into the arena: raccoons, swords, pizza, an octopus, beer and much more. Zorhel danced through all of it. Blaktoof ran face-first into every item, and the raccoon left a mark.
Gerald and the Golden Grill
Blaktoof started right beside Gerald, the Box of Chaos, and opened it straight away. Two glowing flame eyes greeted him. Gerald asked whether Blaktoof was anything like Blackfoot. “No, Blackfoot smells bad and died three battles ago,” Blaktoof replied. Gerald grumbled that the guy owed him money.
For his offering, Blaktoof dug under one plate of armor, under another, under his chain mail, then into a pouch inside a pouch inside a pouch. He brought out his most prized possession: the gold teeth of his mother’s mother’s mother. Gerald set them into his own skull and now had a golden grill. In return a potion floated into Blaktoof’s hands, and he chugged it at once without reading the label. Zorhel advised him to check labels and asked about allergies. Blaktoof explained that his favorite drink “has 12 X’s on it,” though he didn’t know its name. The Grandmaster predicted he would be turned into a llama one day.
Crossbow Tricks and the Boot Stinger
Blaktoof drew first blood with a perfect crossbow shot at Zorhel on his ledge, then spun the weapon and slung it back onto his hip. When asked to show off, he tossed it from one hand to the other. The hosts mocked this as dazzling: “It’s like he knows how to use both his hands. At the same time, that’s crazy.” Zorhel answered by drawing blood from his wound into a halberd made of his own blood. He swung it down fifteen feet from the ledge and slashed Blaktoof across the chest.
Both stingers fell off, and both champions kept trying to stick them back on until the Arbiter, embarrassed for everyone, conjured two rolls of duct tape. Zorhel kindly showed Blaktoof how to tape a stinger to his butt. Blaktoof pretended to throw his away and secretly taped it to the toe of his right boot, black on black, completely unnoticed. Then he immediately yelled, “Zorhel, I managed to tape it to my boot!” He had gotten excited.
Blaktoof kept his distance, fired another perfect shot, hula-hooped his crossbow, and healed the halberd wound with healing light. Zorhel slid down the cliff in a cloud of dust and wrapped himself in magical darkness. Meanwhile Doug the pug took over the Arbiter’s dice rolling after the Arbiter rolled a 1. Blaktoof asked the Arbiter whether he was mad that Doug was cuter than him. The answer was yes, and a magically flung rock bounced off Blaktoof’s head. “Ah, jealous and petty, I see.”
Pinned in the Dark
Blinded, Blaktoof tried to retreat. Zorhel could see through his own darkness, caught him in the thigh, and pinned him in place. Blaktoof swung blindly with one sword while tugging at his own feet with the other, more than a little terrified. “Don’t worry, Blaktoof has secrets as well,” he warned. When Zorhel finally dropped the darkness and claimed the Acolytes had missed something awesome, Blaktoof insisted it wasn’t that awesome, because “Blaktoof’s word is law!” Zorhel won the argument: it was awesome.
Zorhel then over-spun his halberd, fell on his butt and landed on his own taped stinger, which hammered into his tailbone. Blaktoof sympathized: his uncle worked in IT and got tailbone damage from sitting at his computer too long. Zorhel offered the uncle a good ergonomic chair supplier. Blaktoof quickly corrected himself: “Did I say uncle? I meant uncle’s uncle’s uncle.”
Three Goblins in a Trench Coat
Standing over the fallen gladiator, Blaktoof gloated, “Zorhel, I knew your tricks couldn’t win you this fight.” His sword struck once, but his backswing slammed into a shield of Zorhel’s blood. Zorhel rose and brought the halberd down with a thunderous blow. Three separate voices shrieked out of Blaktoof’s body, and his clothing collapsed to the floor.
Blaktoof had never been Blaktoof. He was three goblins stacked in a trench coat: blue Mork on top, green Gork in the middle, and red Gaz on the bottom, still wearing the stinger boot. The real Blaktoof, they explained, existed but had gone on vacation. People had come looking for him, so the three had picked up some armor and tried it out, and they had made a lot more money as Blaktoof. When Zorhel asked whether the uncle had been real, they admitted they didn’t remember their parents at all. “What’s a mom?” That made the great-great-grandmother’s gold teeth something of a mystery.
The Grandmaster was outraged that impostors had invaded her arena. The Arbiter pointed out that nothing in the rules said a match had to be one on one. The fight continued as three against one. Mork introduced himself as the smart one who liked casting spells and Gork as the toughest with the sword, while Gaz wore the stinger boot. The Grandmaster tossed the battered Mork a couple of healing vials.
The Last of the Toofs
Zorhel evened the odds. He released a shadow demon from a flask Gerald had given him and named it “Blaktoof 2.0.” Then he summoned a shadow creature from his own wounds and called it Shadowtoof. Its scream terrified all three goblins and sent the Acolytes’ front row stampeding up the stands. Gaz charged anyway and aimed his stinger boot at the creature’s nards, if it had any. The kick landed, but the shadow shrugged off the poison. The Arbiter’s own chaos event then flooded the cavern with acid water, and Mork was washed straight into it.
The goblins admitted they had only wanted free drinks. Zorhel offered to knock them out and take them for drinks afterwards, but the fight had to end in a kill. Gork fell to the halberd, saying “Drink a few more for me, boys” as he wreathed Zorhel in a last burst of hellish flame. Mork, still in the acid, was struck by a halberd of blood shot from Zorhel’s finger. He gave his own farewell and one final burst of flame:
“Get him, Gaz! Drink twice as many down at the pub for us… It was fun while it lasted. We lived like kings.” (Mork)
Gaz went last, raked down by Shadowtoof. The goblins remembered their good run: pretending not to be themselves and hanging out at rock shows. Gaz’s death, slowly down on one knee and then the other, took longer than his speech. The Arbiter wheeled the three bodies away in a conjured wheelbarrow, whistling. The Grandmaster promised they would be treated with the utmost respect, and she raised a glass “both for who used to be Blaktoof, but also for Zorhel.”
Personality and Abilities
As a disguise, Blaktoof was a figure in a trench coat over plate and chain mail, with pouches nested inside pouches. He fought with a crossbow and a sword, healed himself with light, and could answer a blow with a burst of hellish flame. He was boastful, speaking of himself in the third person (“Blaktoof’s word is law!”). He was devoted to showy crossbow tricks that were really very simple, and he was helplessly honest when excited. His one firm rule: put a drink in front of Blaktoof and Blaktoof will consume it, in its entirety.
The goblins inside spoke in perfect unison as one voice. Once revealed, they had distinct roles: Mork the spellcaster, Gork the swordsman, and Gaz the tank with the boot stinger. They bickered, giggled at the wrong moments, and met death with surprising good cheer. At the table, the player said they had wanted to play three goblins in a trench coat right from the start (the character dated back to the first season), and that the names Gork and Mork were borrowed from the orc gods of Warhammer. The Grandmaster’s verdict: “And here are three tiny gods.”
Relationships
- Zorhel: His opponent. Zorhel taught him to duct-tape a stinger, recommended ergonomic chairs for his imaginary uncle, felt betrayed by the reveal, and offered to take the goblins for drinks before killing all three.
- Gaz: The bottom third of Blaktoof, wearer of the stinger boot, and the last goblin to fall.
- Gerald: Received the gold teeth and wore them as a grill. He also asked whether Blaktoof was anything like Blackfoot, who owed him money.
- The Arbiter: Promised Blaktoof riches, threw a rock at his head out of jealousy over Doug, and carted the goblins off in a wheelbarrow.
- Doug: Blaktoof called him cuter than the Arbiter, which caused trouble.
- The Grandmaster: Furious at the impostors at first, she still healed Mork and toasted “who used to be Blaktoof” at the end.
Memorable Quotes
- “My next foe after this will be Daylight Savings time.” (S2E11 — Secrets — Blaktoof v Zorhel)
- “No, Blackfoot smells bad and died three battles ago.” (S2E11 — Secrets — Blaktoof v Zorhel)
- “You put a drink in front of Blaktoof, Blaktoof will consume it. In its entirety.” (S2E11 — Secrets — Blaktoof v Zorhel)
- “Zorhel, I managed to tape it to my boot!” (S2E11 — Secrets — Blaktoof v Zorhel)
- “Did I say uncle? I meant uncle’s uncle’s uncle.” (S2E11 — Secrets — Blaktoof v Zorhel)
- “Well, boys, we did our best… Well fought, Zorhel.” (S2E11 — Secrets — Blaktoof v Zorhel)