S2E11 — Secrets — Blaktoof v Zorhel

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Blaktoof, self-proclaimed champion of the War of a Thousand Toofs, faced Zorhel, a bugbear gladiator who fights with a halberd made of his own blood. The fight took place in an abandoned mine open to the sky, and it featured butt stingers, duct tape, a golden grill for Gerald and a pug with a squeaky toy. Its title came from the reveal halfway through: the great warrior Blaktoof had never been one warrior at all.

The Story

Melon in the Kitchen

The night began in an unlikely place. The Arbiter went down into the lower third of The Dread Fortress, which is “divided into thirds, in case you didn’t know.” In the kitchen he found the Grandmaster by the pantries and the fridge, eyeing a bright pink vial her team had picked up. The label read Mountain Dew Major Melon and showed a very angry melon in military dress. “Major melon… implies the existence of a minor melon,” the Arbiter observed. The Grandmaster took the smallest possible sip and gave her verdict: “Oh, that’s a flavor.”

Since he was already in the kitchen, the Arbiter tore open a portal and introduced the champions there. Blaktoof announced himself as “son of Blakteef, and champion of the Thousand Toofs War,” and said he had come for “Fame and glory! And riches.” The Arbiter admitted he had promised riches, adding, “We don’t have to, he’ll probably die, right?” The Grandmaster said there was plenty in the storage cellar if he won. She also insisted his war was “written in every history book. What is a book? Nothing. Never mind.”

Zorhel introduced himself as “one of the most famous gladiators on my lands,” there to fight in the biggest arena anyone could fight in. Then he spotted the Grandmaster’s cute little coffee machine, the kind with a glass window so you can watch the water bubble. Daylight savings had wrecked his morning, and he hadn’t had his coffee yet. This gave the Grandmaster a chance to air a grievance: “I have a bone to pick with daylight savings.” Blaktoof vowed, “My next foe after this will be Daylight Savings time,” and Zorhel pledged, “You have my halberd.” The machine dinged, Zorhel got his coffee black, and the Grandmaster pointed out that the Arbiter was the one who had brought everyone into her kitchen.

The Cavern and the Warm-Up

The Arbiter clapped. A thunderous wave rippled through reality, and the kitchen faded into a giant cavern. It had once been a busy mine, the Grandmaster explained, until “a few cave-ins too many” made it too dangerous, “so now it’s my playground.” It was dusty and broken, with bugs scattering underfoot and a few patches of light that gave way to pitch black. She flew upward to show that there was no ceiling at all. The Acolytes circled above “like a ghastly crew,” and their enthusiasm set off two chaos events at once.

The first event was inspired by an earlier fight. A foot-and-a-half black bee stinger sprouted from each champion’s butt, along with the tiniest decorative wings. Zorhel called the result “ass dueling” and decided it looked good on him. Blaktoof welcomed more pointy bits on his body. The second event was a crowd favorite: the impatient Acolytes emptied their pockets onto the champions. Raccoons, swords, a fennec fox, bunny rabbits, popcorn, robots, soccer balls, hot dogs, an octopus, beer and a snowball all rained down. Zorhel dodged everything with a natural 20, “like it is a dance that you came prepared for.” Blaktoof ran face-first into all of it, and a tiny goblin whacked him and scurried off. “The raccoon, I think, left a mark,” Zorhel said kindly.

Gerald Gets a Grill

The Acolytes had also summoned the Box of Chaos, and Blaktoof started right beside it. Zorhel watched from a shadowy ledge fifteen feet above. Blaktoof peered in past heatless yellow, pink and purple flames and found two glowing eyes staring back. “Is that anything like Blackfoot?” Gerald asked on hearing his name. “No, Blackfoot smells bad and died three battles ago,” said Blaktoof. “Oh, well, that guy owed me money,” said Gerald.

To pay the box, Blaktoof dug under one plate of armor, then another, then his chain mail, then into a pouch inside a pouch inside a pouch. While he dug, the Grandmaster lamented that her chainmail dress had no pockets. At the bottom was his most prized possession: the gold teeth of his mother’s mother’s mother. A wispy hand took them and set them into Gerald’s own skull. “Now Gerald has a golden grill.”

The box gave Blaktoof a potion that protects the mind, and he chugged it at once without reading the label. “You put a drink in front of Blaktoof, Blaktoof will consume it. In its entirety.” The Arbiter made a note of this weakness. Zorhel warned his opponent to always check labels and asked about allergies. Blaktoof explained that his favorite drink “has 12 X’s on it.” The Grandmaster predicted, “That man is going to find himself turned into a llama one day.”

Blood and Stingers

Blaktoof drew first blood with a perfect crossbow shot, then spun the weapon like a cowboy and tossed it from one hand to the other. The hosts were mock-dazzled. “It’s like he knows how to use both his hands. At the same time, that’s crazy,” said the Grandmaster.

Zorhel pressed a hand over the wound in his shoulder and drew the blood out into a long halberd. “You can rarely ever run out of blood. If you do, you’re probably dead,” he explained. He added that his mother had wanted him to be a doctor and he’d spent a few years in medical school, but he got “queasy at death, but not at fighting to the death.” His long bugbear arms let him swing fifteen feet down from the ledge, and he slashed across Blaktoof’s chest and laid a curse in the wound. “I haven’t felt this alive in a long, long time. And honestly, that coffee’s kicking in.”

Then the stingers fell off. “I thought it made my butt look great,” Zorhel mourned. Both champions kept picking theirs up and trying to stick them back on, with Blaktoof trying five times. The Arbiter found this too embarrassing to watch and conjured two rolls of duct tape. Blaktoof asked whether he was supposed to eat it. Zorhel turned around and patiently showed him how to tape a stinger to his butt, adding that it was “probably high in fiber.” Blaktoof pretended to throw his stinger away and secretly taped it to the toe of his boot instead, black on black, completely unseen. Moments later he excitedly shouted, “Zorhel, I managed to tape it to my boot!” Then he admitted, “I got excited. I should not have told you that.”

In the Dark

Blaktoof backed out of reach, yelled “Come down from your little perch, Zorhel!”, landed another perfect bolt and hula-hooped his crossbow in celebration. He then healed the chest wound left by “these 20 billion foot long halberd,” which set off size jokes: “people say the size doesn’t matter, but you know,” said Zorhel. Zorhel agreed to come down. He put his weight on a loose rock and slid the rest of the way in a puff of dust. He then rushed Blaktoof, stopped mid-swing, muttered in Draconic and wrapped himself in magical darkness.

Meanwhile the Arbiter’s luck was dismal, so Doug trotted out with a squeaky foam d20 in his mouth and spat out an 18. When Blaktoof asked if the Arbiter was mad that Doug was cuter than him, the Arbiter answered “Yes.” Under cover of the darkness, he zinged a rock at Blaktoof’s head.

Zorhel could see through his own darkness. When the blinded Blaktoof tried to slip away, Zorhel caught him in the thigh and pinned him in place. “You’re in my domain now.” Blaktoof, terrified and swinging blindly, warned, “Don’t worry, Blaktoof has secrets as well.” The Arbiter assured the Acolytes that a court stenographer and artist were sketching the scene for them. Zorhel eventually remembered this was meant to be a show and dropped the darkness. He then won an argument over whether what they had missed was awesome (it was). On his next spin attack he rolled a natural 1. The weight of his own blood halberd dragged him down onto his butt, and the taped stinger punched straight into his tailbone. “I think I’m just going to sit here for a bit.”

Blaktoof sympathized: his uncle worked in IT and got tailbone damage from sitting too long. Zorhel offered to recommend a really good place for ergonomic chairs, because “Everyone should have a good posture, even my enemy’s uncle.” When the Arbiter sneered at Doug for being short, the pug’s eyes welled up and he dropped his toy. Zorhel stepped in: “Doug, Doug, hey, listen. Big things come in small packages, okay? So Doug, you’re incredible.” Doug’s tail wagged, and he got a cookie during the break.

Three Goblins in a Trench Coat

Blaktoof stood over the fallen gladiator: “Zorhel, I knew your tricks couldn’t win you this fight.” Zorhel blocked the backswing with a wall of blood that erupted from his own chest, rose to his full height and brought the halberd down with a thunderous blow.

Three voices shrieked, and Blaktoof’s clothing collapsed to the floor. Out tumbled three goblins: Gaz, Gork and Mork. They had been impersonating the great Blaktoof for a while, ever since “I think he went on vacation,” and they had made “a lot more money as Blaktoof.” Zorhel was hurt: “So did you really have an uncle… or was that also a lie? Because I feel kind of betrayed at this moment.” The goblins said they didn’t remember their parents at all. “What’s a mom?”

The Grandmaster rose, shouting “Impersonators!” The Arbiter ruled that “there’s nothing in the rules that says it has to be a 1v1,” and the fight went on as three against one. Zorhel took it in stride: “I often split my opponents, but this isn’t exactly what I had in mind.” The Grandmaster tossed him a vial of Major Melon, which healed him.

Shadowtoof

Zorhel then opened the Box of Chaos. Gerald grumbled that he wasn’t “running the convenience store here.” Zorhel told him his story. He had become a gladiator to pay for medicine when his little sister fell very ill, because “when you’re a bugbear, they don’t really want you in most places other than an arena.” When she recovered she wanted to be a blacksmith, and the first thing she made was a crooked, tarnished, chipped short sword. He handed it over. “That was a really boring story, but I’ll take it,” said Gerald. The goblins disagreed: “It was way better than our dumb mother story.”

From the box floated an iron flask holding an obedient shadow demon, which Zorhel dubbed Blaktoof 2.0. The goblins clarified that the original “is kind of an asshole.” Zorhel then drew dark, viscous liquid from his wounds and shaped it into a second shadow creature, Shadowtoof. “So you brought friends over, so I’m going to bring some as well… Now this is a fair fight.”

The goblins finally introduced themselves. Mork, the blue one on top, was “the smart one, I like casting spells.” Gork, the green one in the middle, was “the toughest with the sword.” Gaz, the red one on the bottom, wore the stinger boot. The Grandmaster thought Mork looked near death and threw him two healing vials. Shadowtoof screamed, and all three goblins were terrified. So were the Acolytes: the front row stampeded up into the higher stands. Gaz charged anyway, missed, and was scolded by Mork: “Take this seriously! You look stupid out there!” Then he kicked Shadowtoof in the nards with the stinger boot. The shadow shrugged off the poison. “Who knew this shadowy creature would have rock hard balls?” marveled the Grandmaster.

The Arbiter rolled another 1. Doug, proud as anything, rolled a 6, which was enough to let the Arbiter unleash his own chaos event. “Let me show you what a real man can do, Doug.” The walls rumbled, and acid water poured in from above and flooded the cavern, eating at everyone’s clothes. Mork was swept out into it and took the worst of it.

The Last Round

Blaktoof 2.0 clawed Gork, then passed through his body and materialized, hurling him out. The goblins confessed they had only wanted free drinks. Zorhel offered to knock them out and take them for drinks afterwards. They mocked him for thinking he’d win, then admitted, “I’m in acid.”

Zorhel’s halberd cut Gork down. “Drink a few more for me, boys,” Gork said, and wreathed Zorhel in hellish flame as he fell. Zorhel spun into Gaz, then shot a thin thread of blood from his finger that blossomed into a floating halberd and struck Mork. “Get him, Gaz! Drink twice as many down at the pub for us… We lived like kings,” cried Mork, getting off one last fiery rebuke. Zorhel complained that his fur was singed and said he would have worn sun lotion if he’d known. Shadowtoof then raked Gaz with a chilling rend. “Well, boys, we did our best,” came the goblins’ voice, recalling their good life of “pretending to not be ourselves and hang out at rock shows all the time. Well fought, Zorhel.” Gaz sank to one knee, then robotically to the other. “Guys, it’s okay. Just let go.”

The Arbiter manifested a wheelbarrow, tossed in the three bodies and strutted off whistling. The Grandmaster promised they would be treated with the utmost respect. She then flew Zorhel up to the returning Acolytes and told them that on the field “you must be adaptable. You never know what your opponent will bring.” She raised a glass “both for who used to be Blaktoof, but also for Zorhel.” Tonight, they drank.

Dried Blood

At the table afterwards, both players were welcomed as first-timers on the show. Zorhel’s player added a little more about the blood mage: he had learned caution from fellow students who “ended up drawing a bit too much blood.” The parting advice was “size does matter. Don’t listen to them,” and a plea to “Support your gladiators because those three dumb little goblins could have used some hero points.”

Notable Moments

• The reveal: one halberd stroke split the mighty Blaktoof into three goblins in a trench coat.
• Gerald took Blaktoof’s ancestral gold teeth and gave himself a golden grill.
• Zorhel patiently taught his opponent how to duct-tape a stinger to his butt.
• Blaktoof hid his stinger on his boot flawlessly, then immediately announced it.
• Zorhel spun himself onto his own taped stinger and took it in the tailbone.
• Doug rolled in place of the Arbiter, outscored him every time, and got his feelings hurt and a cookie.

Memorable Quotes

Zorhel: “You can rarely ever run out of blood. If you do, you’re probably dead.”

Zorhel: “So did you really have an uncle… or was that also a lie? Because I feel kind of betrayed at this moment.”

• Blaktoof: “No, Blackfoot smells bad and died three battles ago.”
• Gerald: “Oh, well, that guy owed me money.”
• The Grandmaster: “That man is going to find himself turned into a llama one day.”
• Zorhel: “Doug, Doug, hey, listen. Big things come in small packages, okay? So Doug, you’re incredible.”
• Gerald: “That was a really boring story, but I’ll take it.”
• Mork: “Get him, Gaz! Drink twice as many down at the pub for us… We lived like kings.”

Who and What Appears

Characters

Zorhel the Gladiator (Drakoniques). A bugbear and “one of the most famous gladiators on my lands.”

• Combat:
  • Fights with a halberd made of his own blood, drawn from his wounds. He also uses blood Shield and a blood spiritual weapon.
  • Part warlock (Hexblade’s Curse, Hex, Thirsting Blade, Eldritch Sight, Darkness, Booming Blade, Summon Shadowspawn) and part paladin (aura of protection). Has the Sentinel feat.
  • Speaks Draconic, gruffly, when casting.
• Backstory:
  • His mother wanted him to be a doctor. He spent a few years in medical school but is queasy at death in operations.
  • He became a gladiator to pay for medicine for his very ill little sister, because bugbears aren’t welcome most places except arenas.
  • His sister recovered and became a blacksmith. He sacrificed the first, badly made short sword she forged to the Box of Chaos.
  • Player-stated in Dried Blood: he learned from fellow students who drew too much blood.
• Personality: loves posture and ergonomic chairs, and is kind to Doug. Has zero Perception and can’t climb (“PE class”). Hates daylight savings.
• In this episode: won the Iron Flask shadow demon (Blaktoof 2.0) and summoned Shadowtoof. Won the fight and was flown up to the Acolytes by the Grandmaster.

Blaktoof (the identity). The name claims “son of Blakteef, champion of the War of a Thousand Toofs.” His formal lineage: “son of gross hand, daughter of gross feet, daughter of long hair, stickled mane.”

• The goblins say the real Blaktoof exists, “went on vacation,” and “is kind of an asshole.”
• The figure in the trench coat wore plate, chain mail and many nested pouches, and used a crossbow, a sword, Healing Light and Hellish Rebuke.
• He drinks anything put in front of him; his favorite drink “has 12 X’s on it.”
• He sacrificed his great-great-grandmother’s gold teeth, though the goblins later say they don’t remember their parents.
• Blackfoot is a different person, who “smells bad and died three battles ago” and owed Gerald money.

Gaz, Gork and Mork (GlamShatterskull). Three goblins who had been impersonating Blaktoof for a while for money, fame and free drinks, and hanging out at rock shows.

• Gaz (red, bottom): wore the stinger boot. Glam calls him “the tank.” Killed by Shadowtoof.
• Gork (green, middle): “the toughest with the sword.” Killed by Zorhel’s halberd.
• Mork (blue, top): “the smart one, I like casting spells.” Killed by the blood spiritual weapon.
• All three cast Hellish Rebuke as they died. The Arbiter wheelbarrowed their bodies off.
• Glam says the names come from Warhammer’s orc gods.

Gerald (Mudcat). The Box of Chaos, with two flame eyes in a black void.

• He now has a golden grill made of Blaktoof’s ancestral teeth.
• “I’m not running the convenience store here.” He found Zorhel’s sister story boring.

Doug the pug (Caustic Phoenix). “The gem of the castle.”

• Has a squeaky foam d20 and a big fluffy red pillow couch.
• Rolls in place of the Arbiter. His 6 let the Arbiter trigger a chaos event.
• Sensitive about his short stature. Got a cookie.

The Arbiter (Mudcat).

• Promised Blaktoof riches. Produced duct tape and threw a rock at Blaktoof out of jealousy over Doug.
• Calls himself “a shadow connoisseur.”
• Triggered the acid flood. Carted off the dead goblins in a wheelbarrow.
• Rolled 1, 1, 2 and a nat 1.

Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer (Caustic Phoenix).

• Drinks Mountain Dew Major Melon. Owns a small coffee machine.
• Her chainmail dress has no pockets, and she means to talk to her tailor.
• Dislikes daylight savings.
• Gave healing vials to both Zorhel and Mork. Flew Zorhel up to the Acolytes.

Blaktoof 2.0 (shadow demon from the Iron Flask) and Shadowtoof (Fear shadowspawn): Zorhel’s summons. Shadowtoof’s Dreadful Scream frightened the goblins and the Acolytes, and it has “rock hard” shadow nards.

Places

• The Dread Fortress kitchen, in the lower third of the fortress (the fortress is divided into thirds). It has pantries and a fridge.
• The storage cellar (riches, per the GM).
• The abandoned mining cavern: closed after too many cave-ins. Bugs, patches of light and pitch black, and open sky above with the Acolyte stands. Later flooded with acid water.
• “Zorhel’s lands” (unnamed).

Items

• Mountain Dew Major Melon (the GM’s “potion”), the source of the healing vials.
• The Grandmaster’s coffee machine.
• Butt stingers and the Arbiter’s duct tape.
• The gold teeth of Blaktoof’s mother’s mother’s mother (now Gerald’s grill).
• Potion of resistance (psychic).
• Zorhel’s sister’s first short sword (sacrificed).
• The Iron Flask with its shadow demon.
• Doug’s foam d20.
• The court stenographer’s sketches for the Acolytes.

Lore statements

• The Dread Fortress is divided into thirds; the kitchen is in the lower third.
• Acolytes can summon the Box of Chaos and trigger chaos events. They can be frightened by effects in the arena.
• “Nothing in the rules says it has to be a 1v1” (the Arbiter).
• Bugbears are unwelcome in most places except arenas (Zorhel, about his own lands).

Full Round-by-Round

Every beat of the episode, with timestamps (click to expand)

Opening — the Dread Fortress kitchen

1. 0:00:16 The Arbiter goes down into the lower third of the Dread Fortress. Mudcat says it is “divided into thirds, in case you didn’t know.” In the kitchen he finds the Grandmaster standing by the pantries and the fridge.
2. 0:00:50 — Major Melon. She is trying “this new potion some of our team picked up”: a bright pink vial labelled Mountain Dew Major Melon, with “a very angry melon… of some sort of military look” on the label. She hopes it will make her feel better.
   • The Arbiter: “Major melon… implies the existence of a minor melon.” Glam: “Definitely more legal.”
   • She cracks it open with a hiss and wafts the smell. “Are you sure you’re not smelling the taste?”
   • She takes the smallest sip: “Oh, that’s a flavor.… It’s sweet.”
3. 0:02:43 The Arbiter reminds her there’s a Deathmatch. She will “keep sipping this and maybe it will give me the energy that I need.”
4. 0:03:09 — Introductions in the kitchen. The Arbiter rips open a portal: “Blaktoof! Blaktoof is the champion of the War of a Thousand Toofs. Versus… Zorhel!” The GM: “Welcome, champions, to my kitchen.”
5. 0:03:55 — Blaktoof. “I am Blaktoof, son of Blakteef, and champion of the Thousand Toofs War.” He came for “Fame and glory! And riches.”
   • The Arbiter admits he promised riches: “We don’t have to, he’ll probably die, right?”
   • The GM: if he wins, “there’s plenty down in the storage cellar.”
   • She checks the spelling of “Teef” so she respects his family name, then claims the war is “written in every history book. What is a book? Nothing. Never mind.”
6. 0:05:00 — Zorhel. “I’m Zorhel the Gladiator… one of the most famous gladiators on my lands.” He came to fight in “the biggest arena that anyone could fight.”
7. 0:05:19 — Coffee. He spots the GM’s cute little coffee machine, which has a glass window so you can watch the water bubble. He asks for coffee, black.
   • Daylight savings messed up his timing, so he hasn’t had his morning coffee. The GM: “I have a bone to pick with daylight savings.”
   • She offers Blaktoof coffee or a Major Melon. Blaktoof: “My next foe after this will be Daylight Savings time.” Zorhel: “You have my halberd.”
   • The GM: “Tonight we weren’t able to draw in Daylight Savings for the battle.” The machine dings and Zorhel gets his black coffee.
8. 0:06:39 The GM: “Arbiter, I think we’ve stood in my kitchen long enough… You’re the one who brought everyone to my kitchen.”

The arena — the abandoned cavern

9. 0:06:59 The Arbiter claps. A thunderous wave of sound ripples reality, and the kitchen fades into a giant cavern.
10. 0:07:20 — The GM describes it.
    • It “used to be bustling with energy, but a few cave-ins too many… a bit too dangerous to be mining. So now it’s my playground.”
    • It is carved in, dusty and broken, with scattering bugs underfoot (“Depending on the occasion, they’re friendly or not”).
    • There are a few spots of light; go too far and it’s pitch black.
11. 0:08:06 She flies up. There is no ceiling: the cavern opens to the air, with the Acolytes circled above “like a ghastly crew.” “Our dear Grand Acolytes… This cavern may be dingy, but this fight will not be.” The Acolytes spam emotes and trigger two chaos events at once.

Opening chaos events

12. 0:09:03 Each champion rolls a d20 to pick. Glam rolls a nat 20 and Drak a 16.
13. 0:09:45 — Butt stingers (nat 20). This one was “inspired by one of our previous fights.”
    • A black bee stinger about a foot and a half long grows from each champion’s butt, along with the tiniest decorative wings. It lasts for one round, as a bonus-action “booty attack” with poison.
    • It is non-lethal: losing the stinger won’t kill them. The Arbiter is disappointed (“I thought it was going to be fun”).
    • Zorhel: “Ass dueling. I mean, it’s not too bad. I think it kind of looks good on me.” Blaktoof “welcomes more pointy bits on his body.”
14. 0:11:53 — The Acolytes throw things (16, “an Acolyte fan favorite”). Impatient Acolytes hurl everything from their pockets:
    • raccoons, swords, “bud sharks” [?], a fennec fox, a “kill cat” [?], dogs and cats, bunny rabbits;
    • popcorn, robots, soccer balls, hot dogs, an octopus, beer, a crack of Doritos, a snowball, and “a mole or a rat or… whatever that thing is.”
15. 0:12:58 Zorhel rolls a nat 20 on the Dex save and dodges it all “like it is a dance that you came prepared for.”
16. 0:13:56 Blaktoof runs face-first into every item. Pizza smacks him across the face, and a tiny goblin whacks him and scurries off the map. Zorhel: “Are you okay?… The raccoon, I think, left a mark.”
    • Blaktoof takes a little damage (Caustic Phoenix says “Zorhel” here, a slip). Zorhel is glad it didn’t take Blaktoof out before the fight.
17. 0:14:51 The GM calls it a warm-up: “no one goes into a workout without warming up.”

The Box of Chaos and placement

18. 0:15:05 The Acolytes have also summoned the Box of Chaos, placed on the left side of the map. Using it is a free action, but you must sacrifice something you value.
19. 0:16:03 Blaktoof starts right next to the box. Zorhel starts on a ledge 15 ft above him, partly hidden in the shadows. Initiative: Blaktoof 23, Zorhel 14.

Round 1

20. 0:17:18 — Blaktoof meets Gerald. He peers into the box.
    • Heatless yellow, pink and purple flames shoot up. Past them is a dark void that “almost sucks your soul,” and two glowing flame eyes stare back: “Hey, what’s up?”
    • Gerald: “I’m Gerald, what’s your name?” (the line is merged with Blaktoof’s in the transcript). Blaktoof: “I am Blaktoof, son of Blakteef.”
    • Gerald: “Is that anything like Blackfoot?” Blaktoof: “No, Blackfoot smells bad and died three battles ago.” Gerald: “Oh, well, that guy owed me money. Did you come to bring it to me?”
21. 0:18:31 — The offering. Blaktoof works through layer after layer to reach it:
    • under one plate of armor, under another, under his chain mail;
    • into a side pouch, then a pouch inside that, then a pouch inside that one.
    • Inside is his most prized possession: the gold teeth of his mother’s mother’s mother.
    • Gerald takes them in a wispy hand and puts them into his own skull. “Now Gerald has a golden grill.” The lid slams shut. Because the teeth are a personal family item, the roll is made with advantage.
22. 0:20:14 Blaktoof: “What lies inside the chest will certainly mean your doom, Zorhel.”
    • Zorhel: “Why are you carrying gold teeth around? I have so many questions.”
    • Blaktoof gives his “more formal” lineage: “Blaktoof, son of gross hand, daughter of gross feet, daughter of long hair, stickled mane.” Zorhel: “I’m gonna call you Blaktoof.” The Arbiter: “It’s a proud family heritage.”
23. 0:21:07 — The prize. A column of flame reaches the cavern top, and a potion of resistance (psychic, one hour) floats into Blaktoof’s hands.
    • Blaktoof snatches it and chugs it instantly without looking: “You put a drink in front of Blaktoof, Blaktoof will consume it. In its entirety.”
    • The Arbiter makes a note. The GM: “that’s an easy trap that we can set up now.”
    • Zorhel warns his enemy never to drink anything without checking the label, and asks about allergies. Blaktoof: “My favorite drink has 12 X’s on it.… I don’t know the name.”
    • The GM: “That man is going to find himself turned into a llama one day.”
24. 0:23:30 — First blood. Blaktoof moves into the open and fires his crossbow at Zorhel. It hits for max damage.
25. 0:24:12 — Crossbow tricks. He spins the crossbow like a cowboy, passes a Dex save to pull it off, and slings it back to his hip on a shoulder sling (“more like a guitar flip”).
    • Glam: Blaktoof does gimmicky tricks that are “actually really simple… Like Garth with the taser.”
    • The GM asks for a performance roll. He tosses the crossbow from one hand to the other, and everyone mocks it as amazing:
      • Arbiter: “his crossbow skills are second to none… I don’t even know how it’s possible.”
      • GM: “It’s like he knows how to use both his hands. At the same time, that’s crazy.”
      • Blaktoof: “Defying gravity.”
26. 0:26:20 — Zorhel’s blood halberd. Zorhel has been carrying only the shield strapped to his back.
    • He puts his hand over the crossbow wound in his left shoulder and draws the blood out into his pact weapon, a long halberd made of his own blood.
    • “Blood magic… honestly the best type of magic. You can rarely ever run out of blood. If you do, you’re probably dead.… The best way to kill a blood mage is drain him of blood.” The GM loves “these scientific facts.”
27. 0:27:09 — Doctor Zorhel. “My mother want[ed] me to be a doctor at first. I went to medical school for a few years… I get queasy at death, but not at fighting to the death.”
28. 0:27:43 He is a bugbear: his long limbs add 5 ft to his 10-ft halberd, so he swings 15 ft down from the ledge. The first swing misses. He takes the halberd in two hands and swings again (Thirsting Blade), slashing across Blaktoof’s chest.
    • “I haven’t felt this alive in a long, long time. And honestly, that coffee’s kicking in.” The GM gives him a d4 on his next first attack for the coffee.
    • He casts Hexblade’s Curse into the wound, which stings and then subsides.
    • The Arbiter: “One of the strongest [opening moves] we’ve seen, Grandmaster.”
29. 0:30:05 — The stingers fall off. Zorhel: “Oh, goddammit. I really liked it. I thought it made my butt look great.”
    • Both champions keep picking theirs up and trying to re-stick them. Blaktoof tries five times. “They got attached to us.”
30. 0:31:02 — Duct tape. The Arbiter: “This is embarrassing to watch.” He magically produces two rolls of duct tape.
    • Blaktoof (inferred; the line is attributed to Drak’s ID): “I don’t know what this is. Do I eat it?”
    • Zorhel turns around and shows Blaktoof how to tape a stinger to his butt. “I think you could eat it afterwards. Probably high in fiber.”
31. 0:31:47 — The secret boot stinger. Blaktoof pretends to give up and throw his away. Instead he secretly tapes it to the toe of his right boot so he can sting when he kicks.
    • Stealth 22 against Zorhel’s zero Perception. It’s a black stinger on a black boot.
32. 0:33:15 Then Blaktoof excitedly yells: “Zorhel, I managed to tape it to my boot!”
    • Zorhel: “No way, I didn’t notice that until you just pointed it out… Honestly, really, really impressive on your part.”
    • Blaktoof: “I got excited. I should not have told you that.… Well, thank you and you’re welcome.”
33. 0:33:46 The Acolytes shout suggestions: tape it to your head like a “butt unicorn” (the Arbiter: a “bugbearicorn”), or tape it to your elbow. Someone [speaker uncertain] adds “your weenus.”
    • Ruling, “the migrating stingers”: a champion may move his stinger at the end of his turn, but must announce it.

Round 2

35. 0:35:21 Blaktoof wants Zorhel on level ground. He retreats out of reach: “Come down from your little perch, Zorhel!” (Zorhel’s extra reach only works on his own turn, so there is no opportunity attack.)
    • Another crossbow hit for max damage. He hula-hoops the crossbow around his body.
    • Zorhel is dizzy and makes a Con save, but keeps his footing; his aura of protection helps.
36. 0:38:00 Blaktoof uses Healing Light on himself. The light goes into “the halberd wound on my chest where Zorhel so rudely graced me with these 20 billion foot long halberd.”
    • Size jokes follow. Zorhel: “people say the size doesn’t matter, but you know.” The GM: “apparently he knows how to wield it, so two for one deal.” Zorhel: “I’m not even really getting started yet.”
    • Blaktoof: “Farewell, Zorhel!”
37. 0:39:55 — Zorhel’s fall. “Fine, I guess I’ll come down.” He climbs, puts his weight on an unstable rock and slides the rest of the way down in a poof of dust, dirt and rock, taking fall damage. “I’m up… I’m not used to having much of a climber.”
38. 0:41:04 — Darkness. He rushes Blaktoof and points the halberd as if to swing, then stops mid-swing, mutters in Draconic (“weird… coming out of the mouth of a bugbear”) and casts Darkness on himself: a 15-ft radius of magical darkness.
    • The GM: “Is this like a magic trick?” The Arbiter: “He’s in there somewhere.”
39. 0:43:01 — Doug rolls for the Arbiter. The Arbiter’s end-of-round roll is a 1. The GM: “That’s embarrassing. Doug!”
    • Little Doug trots out with a foam toy d20 with a squeaker in his mouth, back legs bouncing, and spits it on the floor. 18. “Doug the pug doing so much better.”
    • Arbiter: “It’s easy to roll 18s when you don’t have… no job, no freeloading.” GM: “That’s higher than your last two rolls combined.”
    • Zorhel: “She does have a point, Arbiter.” Arbiter: “I’ll take it from her, but not from you.”
    • Blaktoof: “Are you mad that Doug is cuter than you?” Arbiter [speaker uncertain]: “Yes.”
    • GM: “He’s the gem of the castle and everyone adores him… You can’t just keep rolling until you get a better number, Arbiter.”
40. 0:44:25 — The rock. Under cover of the darkness, the Arbiter magically zings a rock at Blaktoof’s head for calling Doug cute. Blaktoof fails the save and takes a little damage. Blaktoof: “Ah, jealous and petty [transcript: ‘steady’], I see.”
41. 0:45:03 Doug goes back to his big fluffy red pillow couch and chews his d20.

Round 3

42. 0:45:17 Blaktoof is blinded: “First you hide on the cliffs, Zorhel, and now you hide in darkness.”
    • He tries to move away. Zorhel can see through the darkness (Eldritch Sight). His opportunity attack, with the hex added, hits Blaktoof in the thigh. Sentinel drops Blaktoof’s speed to zero.
    • Zorhel: “You’re in my domain now.” Blaktoof: “Come out of the darkness so I can fight you, Zorhel.”
43. 0:47:38 Pinned, Blaktoof swings blindly with one sword while tugging at his feet with the other.
44. 0:48:14 Zorhel repeats “You’re in my domain now, Blaktoof” as intimidation. He rolls 25 against Blaktoof’s Insight of 7. Blaktoof is “more than terrified and out of [his] element” and gets double disadvantage while in the darkness.
    • Blaktoof: “Don’t worry, Blaktoof has secrets as well.” Zorhel: “I’m looking forward to seeing them.”
45. 0:49:44 Nobody else can see, so Zorhel narrates what happened. The Arbiter: “we have a court stenographer and artist drawing the scene for the Acolytes.” The Acolytes: “what the?”
46. 0:50:11 — The darkness comes down. Zorhel realizes “this was meant to be a show” and drops the Darkness. “Sorry, you missed the, like, the really awesome thing I did.”
    • Blaktoof: “It wasn’t that awesome!… Blaktoof’s word is law!” Zorhel: “Didn’t realize he was a politician.”
    • Persuasion roll-off: Zorhel 14, Blaktoof 12. It was awesome. Arbiter: “I can feel the awesome from here.”
    • Zorhel: “That’s actually my aura protection… If I keep training, you’ll be able to see the aura of awesome.” Glam: “Requires too much concentration.” GM: “Real hot ego.”
47. 0:51:47 — Hex and the spin. Zorhel speaks Draconic again (“very gruff and low”) and casts Hex. His already blood-red blade tip turns iridescent, as if covered in oil. He slashes and misses.
    • He lets the weight of the halberd carry him into a 360-degree spin for the second attack and rolls a nat 1. “The weight of your own blood halberd swings you down to the ground.” He falls prone.
48. 0:53:23 — Landing on the stinger. Zorhel’s stinger is still taped to his butt, and he landed on his butt. The flat end punches inward, “like a good little hammer went straight into your tailbone.” It does bludgeoning damage but no poison.
    • Zorhel: “That’s going to [bruise] tomorrow… I think I’m just going to sit here for a bit.”
49. 0:54:49 — The uncle. Blaktoof: “Blaktoof’s uncle works in IT and says he gets tailbone damage when he sits at his computer too long.”
    • Zorhel offers to connect the uncle with a really good place for ergonomic chairs: “Posture is very important as a gladiator… Everyone should have a good posture, even my enemy’s uncle.”
    • The GM: “We will exchange chair information later.” Blaktoof: “Did I say uncle? I meant uncle’s uncle’s uncle.”
50. 0:55:36 — Doug again. The Arbiter rolls a 2 (“I was trying to sneak it in there”). Doug squeaks over and rolls 13.
    • Arbiter: “I’m way taller than he is, so whatever.” Zorhel: “Everyone knows size [matters], Arbiter… the man with the halberd… I meant bugbear with the halberd.”
51. 0:56:26 Doug, very aware of his short stature, whimpers. His big eyes tear up and he drops his plush d20. The GM: “You hurt his feelings.”
    • Zorhel: “Doug, Doug, hey, listen. Big things come in small packages, okay? So Doug, you’re incredible.” Doug’s curlicue tail wags.
52. 0:57:05 — Break. Doug needs to cool off and gets a cookie “for being such a good dog.” “Everybody’s going to go think about the words they said, Arbiter.” (The break itself was cut; a “Name that monster!” bit remains.)

Round 4 — the secret

53. 0:58:20 “Welcome back, Acolytes… deep underground in the cave.”
54. 0:58:44 Zorhel is still prone. Blaktoof stalks over and looks down at him: “Zorhel, I knew your tricks couldn’t win you this fight.” He slashes with his sword and hits.
    • He spends his hero point on a backswing. Zorhel casts Shield: the blood from the first slash erupts from his chest as a wall that the sword slams into. GM: “A blood shield, now that’s pretty cool.”
55. 1:01:07 Zorhel stands to his full height, cracks his back, grabs the halberd in both hands and swings down with Booming Blade. It is a big hit with thunder damage, and he backs away slowly.
56. 1:02:39 — Three goblins in a trench coat.
    • As the slice comes through, three separate voices shriek out of Blaktoof’s body and “explode” out as Blaktoof’s clothing falls to the ground.
    • Blaktoof was never Blaktoof. He is three “dumb little goblins,” Gaz, Gork and Mork, hiding in a trench coat and impersonating the great warrior Blaktoof. They “didn’t really want to be here, but… kind of got drug into it.”
    • Zorhel: “So did you really have an uncle… or was that also a lie? Because I feel kind of betrayed at this moment.” Goblin: “No, we don’t remember our parents at all, do we guys?… What’s a mom?”
57. 1:03:49 — “Impersonators!” The GM stands, yelling: “Who are these three small individuals who have invaded my arena when we have summoned Blaktoof?”
    • Goblins: “We’re just three goblins. We’ve been impersonating Blaktoof for a while… I think he went on vacation… people were looking for him… we could get some armor and try it out. And yeah, we’ve made a lot more money as Blaktoof.”
    • GM: “Three goblins thought you were worthy of this arena.” Goblins: “Well, we’re here still.”
    • Arbiter: “there’s nothing in the rules that says it has to be a 1v1.… Blaktoof, or Blakteef now, or whatever you’re calling yourselves… Roll for initiative.” Each goblin gets its own initiative, reaction and bonus action.
58. 1:06:40 GM to Zorhel: “how do you feel about this splitting of your opponents?” Zorhel: “I often split my opponents, but this isn’t exactly what I had in mind.… I’m a gladiator, this is part of my profession.”
    • The GM throws him a vial of her intense caffeinated drink (the Major Melon). He downs it and heals.
59. 1:08:08 — Who got hit where (worked out at the table):
    • The goblins stacked blue on top, green in the middle, red on the bottom.
    • Red (Gaz) wears the stinger boot.
60. 1:09:49 — Zorhel opens the Box of Chaos. “Your name’s Gerald, right?” Gerald: “Yeah, what do you want?… I’m not running the convenience store here, let’s go.”
61. 1:10:27 — Zorhel’s sister.
    • “I’m actually starting off as a gladiator because my little sister, she became very ill. And honestly, when you’re a bugbear, they don’t really want you in most places other than an arena, so that was the best place for me to earn money for her medication.”
    • “The first thing she made when she got well again… she wanted to be a blacksmith, so she made this sword.”
    • From behind his head he pulls a horribly made short sword: not straight, tarnished, chipped by the ages. “She was very proud of this. Now she’s obviously much better at making swords.”
    • He hands it over. Gerald: “That was a really boring story, but I’ll take it.”
    • Zorhel: “I thought it was pretty interesting.” [Speaker uncertain, probably Glam as the goblins]: “I thought it was interesting too. The Grandmaster is moved.” Zorhel: “Thank you, Blaktoof.” Goblins: “It was way better than our dumb mother story.”
62. 1:12:27 — The iron flask. A small iron flask floats out. On touching it Zorhel understands that uncorking it releases a shadow demon, friendly and obedient to him for one hour (no concentration).
    • He uncorks it. The shadow slinks out like black liquid onto the floor and rises in front of his face.
    • Zorhel: “I was starting to really like Blaktoof, so… Blaktoof 2.0.” Goblins: “it wasn’t really Blaktoof, it was us. Blaktoof is kind of an asshole.”
63. 1:14:45 — Shadowtoof. Zorhel drops Hex and spends his hero point to cast Summon Shadowspawn (Fear). Dark, viscous liquid emerges from his wounds and forms a terrifying shadow creature.
    • “So you brought friends over, so I’m going to bring some as well… Now this is a fair fight.” He names it Shadowtoof. The GM: “Good, good consistency.”
    • GM: “This is a heck of a 3v3… dear Arbiter. Goodness, I’m talking to myself.” Arbiter: “As a shadow connoisseur myself… it’s good stuff.”
64. 1:16:14 — The goblins introduce themselves. “I’m Gaz. I’m Mork. I’m Gork.” The GM mishears “Kork”: “Gork with a G!”
    • Mork (blue): “I’m the smart one, I like casting spells.” Gaz is red with the stinger. Gork (green): “I’m the toughest with the sword.”
    • The GM thinks Mork looks “on the brink of death” and throws him two vials, which heal a good chunk.
65. 1:19:20 — Dreadful Scream. Shadowtoof screams. Every goblin fails the Wisdom save (Gork with a nat 1), and all three are frightened.
    • The GM rolls for the Acolytes: they are frightened too. The front row stampedes up to the higher stands.
    • Glam: “The goblins are going all [knobby knees].” [speaker uncertain, voiced in Mudcat’s ID]: “I don’t know if we signed up for this, guys.”
    • Blaktoof 2.0 holds its claw attack for any goblin that comes within reach.
66. 1:24:21 — Gaz’s charge and the nards kick.
    • Gaz charges and swings at disadvantage, missing. Gork giggles. Mork: “Take this seriously! You look stupid out there!”
    • Gaz’s bonus action: “Here comes the foot, the boot, rising… if the weird screaming shroud has nards, we’ll go for that.” GM: “Go for them nards.” Zorhel: “Shadow nards.”
    • The stinger-boot kick hits Shadowtoof for piercing damage. Shadowtoof rolls a nat 20 on the poison save and “takes it like a champ.”
    • GM: “Who knew this shadowy creature would have rock hard balls?… you’re learning a lot about the biology of these beings.” Zorhel: “I feel like I summoned something within myself.” The stinger stays on the boot.

The Arbiter’s chaos event — acid flood

67. 1:28:57 The Arbiter rolls another nat 1. Doug trots out “completely proud of himself” and rolls a 6, which is enough. “Thanks to the help of Doug, you may trigger your own special chaotic event.”
    • Arbiter: “Let me show you what a real man can do, Doug.” He cracks his knuckles. Blaktoof: “Doug is a dog… very benevolent of Doug to give up his turn.”
68. 1:29:54 The walls rumble as if about to cave in. Everyone makes Dex saves.
    • Only Mork fails. Shadowtoof fails, but Zorhel’s aura of protection saves it.
    • Water pours in from above and fills the cavern. It’s acid water that eats at their clothes. Mork is washed out into it and takes the full burn; everyone else takes half.
    • Initiative is reshuffled in the chaos.
69. 1:32:05 — Where the names come from (table talk). Caustic Phoenix makes a “Mork and Mindy” connection. Glam: “They’re all just directly stolen from Warhammer… Mork and Gork are the gods of the orcs in Warhammer.” GM: “And here are three tiny gods.”
    • The token names in the VTT are “childish, repetitive and trashy.” GM: “These are my trashy children.”
    • Glam: “Gaz is the tank and Mork is the mage.”

Final round

70. 1:35:43 Blaktoof 2.0 goes first. GM: “things are getting a little bit more intense now. Don’t hold back any longer.” Zorhel: “Don’t worry. I don’t plan to.”
    • The demon claws Gork with a glancing blow, then goes incorporeal, passes into Gork’s body and materializes, throwing him out of itself for force damage.
    • GM: “I like this guy.” Zorhel: “Honestly, he’s probably better than the other Blaktoof that you kind of all made up.”
71. 1:38:09 — Free drinks.
    • Goblin: “I didn’t think just wanting to get free drinks was going to get us in this kind of trouble.… we were doing it for fame and money.”
    • Zorhel: “I can knock you out if you want. I can take you out for drinks afterwards.”
    • Goblins: “Oh, you think you’re going to win, huh?… Hey, this guy thinks he’s going to win. I’m in acid.”
72. 1:38:53 — Gork dies. Zorhel: “they said knocking you out would be boring, so… I have to go for the kill.” His halberd cuts Gork down.
    • As he falls: “Drink a few more for me, boys.” Gork casts Hellish Rebuke, pointing a finger at Zorhel and wreathing him in flame. The GM imagines it “very Voldemort… Release your final spell.”
73. 1:41:05 Zorhel: “Ow. Oh, goddammit. That burned.” “He hasn’t learned his lesson” and spins again into a second attack on Gaz (red), a glancing hit. The GM: “Don’t overspin it… Keep your balance.”
    • Gaz Hellish Rebukes too. Zorhel: “This is so much fun.”
74. 1:43:10 — Mork dies. Zorhel points at Mork in the acid. A very thin thread of blood shoots from his finger, stops an inch from Mork’s face, then expands into a blood spiritual weapon shaped like a halberd. It hits.
    • Mork: “Get him, Gaz! Drink twice as many down at the pub for us.… It was fun while it lasted. We lived like kings.” He casts one last Hellish Rebuke, “the only thing he did.” The GM: “He said a lot of things as Blaktoof. He lived a good life.”
75. 1:45:23 — Singed. Zorhel: “I hate the burning… My fur is singed.” [Speaker uncertain]: “I’m gonna need a weird haircut.” The GM: “Everyone knows burnt hair smells weird.” Zorhel: “I would have put on like sun lotion or something if I knew this was gonna be like a burning thing.”
76. 1:45:57 — Gaz dies. Shadowtoof rakes Gaz with a chilling rend and kills him.
    • Goblins: “Well, boys, we did our best.… it was a good run. We lived the good life… Pretending to not be ourselves and hang out at rock shows all the time.… It was awesome. Well fought, Zorhel.”
    • Gaz’s death is very dramatic: down on one knee, then robotically down on the other (“His death scene is longer than his speech”). “Guys, it’s okay. Just let go.”
77. 1:48:21 The GM appears behind Zorhel: “Don’t worry. You’ll have many drinks in his afterlife. Arbiter, take care of the three of them.”
    • The Arbiter collects the three goblin bodies, manifests a wheelbarrow, chucks them in and jaunts off whistling and strutting.
    • GM: “I know the wheelbarrow isn’t great, but they will be treated with the utmost respect, I promise.”
78. 1:48:52 — Victory. The Acolytes, no longer afraid of the scream, come back to the railings. The GM holds out her hand and Zorhel takes it (“Thank you for having me”). She flies him up to the Acolytes.
    • “on the field, you must be adaptable. You never know what your opponent will bring and your ability to seize the moment and make it your own will be either your life or death.”
    • “Tonight, raise your glass, both for who used to be Blaktoof, but also for Zorhel, for a great battle has been won. Tonight, we drink. Welcome and goodnight to D20 Deathmatch!”

Full Dried Blood notes (click to expand)

Out-of-character unless marked.

• 1:51:12 Mudcat: Glam and Drak are both on the show for the first time.
• 1:51:34 Drak is one of the “rare people who really enjoy PvP.” He says the rolls “told a story… with the roles of the items.”
• 1:52:13 Glam: “I just right off the bat wanted to play three goblins in a trench coat… so then I invented, we invented Blaktoof.” Glam didn’t expect to win or lose.
• 1:55:45 Mudcat: Glam has been waiting to play the goblins “since season one when you made the character.”
• The reveal was timed for a big dramatic hit, “a good collaborative effort.”
• 1:52:54 Caustic Phoenix: one-shots allow ridiculous characters that would be hard to RP in a long campaign. She imagines everyone at a dive bar afterwards (Mudcat: “If some of you weren’t dead”).
• 1:53:29 Mudcat: “how much lore we get… We got Zorhel’s whole backstory about his sister crafting the sword… and then Gerald didn’t give a shit about it.”
• 1:54:25 Glam: the goblins speak in perfect unison as one voice. Drak: “Like a [barbershop] quartet, but a trio.”
• 1:56:03 Drak’s favorite moment: the stinger, and Blaktoof bragging “I snuck it on my foot.”
• 1:56:41 Mudcat’s half-joking “deep lore”: Blaktoof was extra excited because it’s hard for three goblins in a trench coat to bend down and tie their shoes.
• 1:57:03 Caustic Phoenix wrote down “if you run out of blood, you’re probably dead” as wisdom.
• 1:57:20 Player-stated, about Zorhel: “As a blood mage… he definitely learned from past fellow students that ended up drawing a bit too much blood.” Drak jokes that blood mages are anemic and Zorhel was lightheaded when he spun and fell.
• 1:58:05 Riffs: a blood weapon against a vampire (“Are you trying to fight me or serve me dinner?”, “sir, this is a Wendy’s”). Three tiny vampires pretending to be Strahd while he’s on a business trip.
• 1:59:39 Final words. It is unclear whether these are in character.
  • Drak/Zorhel: “It’s always, size does matter. Don’t listen to them.”
  • Glam: “Support your gladiators because those three dumb little goblins could have used some hero points.”