A headless iron golem who talks through mouths in his palms faced a smug half-elf in enormous butterfly pants, in a forest that lost several trees and part of a cliff to the encounter. Michael could neither see nor hear his opponent. He found him anyway, through trees, vibrations and the occasional tasting of the air. Victoro Cassalanter threw fire, turned into a dinosaur and summoned a devil from her foot soak. It was one of the gentlest, strangest bouts any champions ever fought: no one died, a devil got hugged against her will, and a lonely golem went home with a dog.
The Story
A Mouth in My Hand
The bout began with introductions. The Headless Iron Golem spoke through slits in his palms. He made clear that this was not a hand puppet (“That’s for children”): “It is a mouth in my hand.” Victoro was unimpressed. “For a fellow with no head, you talk quite a lot,” he said, and then turned the conversation to his own outfit. He showed off his saggy, wide “butterfly” pants and the wide hips that filled them.
Victoro’s opening move was a job offer, not an attack. “I was going to kill you but I think maybe you would be good working for me instead,” he said, and he sweetened it with “great benefits… 14 days of vacation a year, 401k matching.” He backed the pitch with his Rod of Rulership, a device for bending minds to his will. The golem was immune. “Michael has no need for rulership. Michael free!”
That was how Victoro learned his opponent’s name. “Your name is Michael?” he asked. “Yes, my name is Michael,” the golem replied. “It’s a strong name.” Michael told him to put the rod back “in your pocket, sir. Your giant flowing butterfly pockets.” Victoro, for his part, settled on how he saw himself: “a devilishly handsome half-elf who likes coin and power.”
The Blind Dancer
Michael had no head, so he had no eyes or ears, and he could not find Victoro at all. He shuffled through the forest like a zombie, holding his hand-mouths out like a surround-sound system. When that failed, he ripped a tree out of the ground and hurled it (“Here, catch!”). It smashed into the rocks, and Michael broke into a victory dance. He kept dancing for most of the fight.
Victoro answered with a 40-foot pillar of flame that came down right on top of him. Michael kept dancing. Fire could not hurt him, and the holy light in the blast only made his rocky shell glow. By all accounts he looked good doing it.
Michael finally found his opponent by accident. He swung his huge sword at what he took for a tree and caught Victoro squarely in his “oversized buttock.” “I found you!” he cried. “Come give hug!” He could not hear Victoro scream, but he very much wanted to.
Hide and Seek
Victoro escaped by blinking in and out of the Ethereal Plane. Michael grabbed a tree, decided it was Victoro glued to the ground by magic, and declared, “I have the best hugs. Michael is angry.” He threw the tree far away, birds and all, which was a harsh lesson for the birds. Then he tasted the air with the tongues in his hands and found Victoro for real. Victoro tapped him on the arm (“Good try, bud”) and blinked away again.
Michael adapted. He pulled up a dead, supple tree and swung it like a whip, hula-dancing with his hips as he went. When Victoro reappeared, the tree caught him across the face. Victoro took it personally:
“Nobody hits Victoro in the face. Especially not you, faceless person.” — Victoro Cassalanter
Enter the Tyrannosaurus
Victoro raised the stakes by transforming himself into a Tyrannosaurus rex. The dinosaur was still wearing the wide-hipped pants. Michael felt the tremors through the ground, cha-cha’d around to face the beast, and struck hard enough to break a claw on one of its tiny arms. “You are going to have to visit a nail tech,” he advised.
Then chaos came to the arena. A dog hidden somewhere in the forest began barking without stopping, loud enough to deafen everyone until someone found it and fed it. Michael was already deaf, so it changed nothing for him. The deafened T. rex spun in circles, snapping at nothing. Michael punched it in the nostrils with his iron fists, hard enough to throw off cartoon lightning. The dinosaur’s tail slammed into him and did nothing at all. “Come back! I give you hug!” Michael pleaded. “Come back! I miss you!”
The Hug
Michael tried to run up a tree, which snapped and fell on Victoro. Michael followed it out of the forest like the Kool-Aid Man (“Oh yeah!”) and delivered his long-promised hug. He did not know how to open his hands, so the hug was made of fists. The embrace looked a lot like Of Mice and Men, and it knocked Victoro out of his dinosaur shape entirely. “Get off of me, you ignorant, stupid metal man,” Victoro snarled. “Michael is a dumb name.” Michael, mercifully, could not hear him.
Victoro teleported to the top of the cliff and gave a smug bow: “until next time.” Michael simply punched the cliff until it came down. Victoro fell like the Roadrunner, his giant pants flapping, and landed badly hurt at Michael’s feet. The verdict on his outfit was harsh: “Those butterfly pants are all look and no skill.”
Barbara
Victoro summoned a barbed devil between them and called her Barbara. She was not pleased to be there. “Victoro, what do you want? I was soaking my feet in the tub,” she complained, and mentioned her sciatica. The flames she hurled missed. Michael scooped Barbara up, ignored her spikes completely, and hugged her: “New friend!… Friends forever!” Then he shook her like a Polaroid picture.
A second chaos event baked the arena in harsh sun. Victoro’s thick clothes protected him. Michael’s metal heated up and his bolts began to loosen. Victoro called down another pillar of flame, but fire healed Michael, who simply squeezed Barbara harder and shrugged off a little scorching light.
Barbara fought for her freedom. “Let go of me, you giant swine,” she demanded, and reached down the hole where his neck should have been. She found nothing inside. Michael’s answer was the most honest thing anyone said all night:
“There’s nothing there. I am a hollow shell… Why do you think I’m trying to fill it with friendship and dancing?” — Michael
Barbara tried to unscrew his arm, and the friendship ended there. Michael set her down and hit her with his sword. “No touch anymore… Bad like bug!” When she tried to climb into his neck again, he yanked her off.
Banished
Victoro played his last card and tried to banish Michael from the arena. The crowd chanted for the golem, and Michael felt their voices through the vibrations. “I will not leave you, friends! … I have friends!” he cried. He came within a hair of resisting, but not quite. “Goodbye, friends! Don’t forget me!”
With Michael gone, Victoro addressed the crowd. “Is this what you wanted? You wanted to see Victoro die. But I will not die today. Today, I will go to the pants store. And I will purchase the largest, fattest pants that I can find.” He vanished in a puff and later turned up at JCPenney. Barbara was left standing alone in the wrecked forest. “Who’s gonna pay for my Uber home?”
The Dog
Michael had been allowed to pick where his banishment would take him. He chose the plane of flowers and daisies, the most beautiful place in existence, which he could neither see nor smell. He held hands with himself there, sad and alone, waiting for his next new friend.
After one minute he returned to an empty battlefield. Then the barking dog found him and licked his metal body. “Puppy? Puppy!” Michael licked it back with his hand-mouths and petted it. Nobody died, the bout ended in a shared victory, and Michael now has a dog.
Notable Moments
- Michael turned down a job with 401k matching because “Michael free!”
- Victoro turned into a Tyrannosaurus rex and kept his wide-hipped pants on.
- Michael’s long-awaited hug was delivered with closed fists, because he didn’t know how to open his hands.
- A barbed devil was summoned from a foot soak, hugged, and shaken like a Polaroid picture.
- Victoro ended the fight by leaving to buy the largest, fattest pants he could find.
- The chaos-event dog that deafened the arena became Michael’s pet.
Memorable Quotes
- Michael: “It is not a hand puppet. It is a mouth in my hand.”
- Victoro Cassalanter: “I was going to kill you but I think maybe you would be good working for me instead… 14 days of vacation a year, 401k matching.”
- Michael: “Michael has no need for rulership. Michael free!”
- Victoro Cassalanter: “Get off of me, you ignorant, stupid metal man. Michael is a dumb name.”
- Barbara: “Victoro, what do you want? I was soaking my feet in the tub.”
- Michael: “I’m empty. Why do you think I’m trying to fill it with friendship and dancing?”
- Victoro Cassalanter: “Today, I will go to the pants store. And I will purchase the largest, fattest pants that I can find.”
- Barbara: “Who’s gonna pay for my Uber home?”
Who and What Appears
Michael, the Headless Iron Golem (Caustic Phoenix). No head; blind and deaf (but somehow has darkvision and passive perception); speaks and tastes through mouths with tongues in his palms; a rocky iron shell; big sword with 10-foot reach; iron fists. Immune to fire (and healed by it), bludgeoning, piercing, charm and much more; advantage on saves against spells. Loves dancing (hula, cha-cha) and hugs; wants friends; “a hollow shell” trying “to fill it with friendship and dancing.” Named himself Michael (“It’s a strong name”). Befriended Barbara (briefly) and adopted the barking dog. Banished for a minute to a plane of flowers and daisies.
Victoro Cassalanter (Mudcat). “A devilishly handsome half-elf who likes coin and power.” Huge wide “butterfly” pants, wide hips. Rod of Rulership; ring of protection; glamoured studded leather. Spells: flame strike, blink, spiritual weapon (a floating rapier), polymorph (T. rex), dimension door, banishment; summons a barbed devil. Offers jobs with benefits. Left to buy bigger pants. (An official D&D character used here as a champion.)
Barbara (“Barb”) the barbed devil. Summoned by Victoro from soaking her feet; sciatica; hugged by Michael; abandoned on the field, needing an Uber home.
The barking dog. Chaos-event creature hidden on the map; deafens everyone until found; ends up as Michael’s dog.
Places
- The forest arena (cliff partly brought down, several trees uprooted and thrown).
- The plane of flowers and daisies, where Michael chose to be banished.
- JCPenney (where Victoro shops for pants afterward).
Full Round-by-Round
Every beat of the episode, with timestamps (click to expand)
- 0:00:03 — “The Headless Iron Golem versus Victoro Cassalanter.” The golem talks through slits in its palms: “It is a mouth in my hand,” not a hand puppet (“That’s for children”). Victoro: “For a fellow with no head, you talk quite a lot.” Victoro shows off his saggy, wide “butterfly” pants and wide hips.
- 0:02:56 — The job offer. “I was going to kill you but I think maybe you would be good working for me instead… we have great benefits… 14 days of vacation a year, 401k matching.” He uses his Rod of Rulership to charm the golem, who is immune: “Michael has no need for rulership. Michael free!” “Your name is Michael?” “Yes, my name is Michael… It’s a strong name.” “Put that back in your pocket, sir. Your giant flowing butterfly pockets.” Victoro realizes he’s “a devilishly handsome half-elf who likes coin and power.”
- 0:06:01 — Michael is blind and deaf (headless). He can’t find Victoro, so he walks zombie-style with his hand-mouths out like a surround-sound system, rips a tree out of the ground and throws it (“Here, catch!”); it hits the rocks and he dances in victory. He keeps dancing for most of the fight.
- 0:12:05 — Flame strike. A 40-foot pillar of fire hits Michael; he keeps dancing. He’s immune to fire; the radiant part makes his rocky shell glow, and “he looks good dancing.”
- 0:15:31 — Michael finds him by swinging his big sword at what he thinks is a tree and catching Victoro’s “oversized buttock.” “I found you! … Come give hug!” (He can’t hear Victoro’s scream but wants to.)
- 0:19:01 — Blink. Victoro blinks into the Ethereal Plane. Michael grabs a tree, thinks it’s Victoro glued to the ground by magic (“I have the best hugs. Michael is angry”), and throws it far away, birds and all (“a harsh lesson for the birds”). He finds Victoro by tasting the air with the tongues in his hands. Victoro taps him on the arm (“Good try, bud”) and blinks again.
- 0:28:37 — The tree whip. Michael pulls up a dead, supple tree and swings it like a whip, hula-dancing with his hips, and smacks Victoro in the face when he reappears. Victoro: “Nobody hits Victoro in the face. Especially not you, faceless person.”
- 0:33:38 — The T. rex. Victoro polymorphs into a Tyrannosaurus rex, still wearing the wide-hipped pants. Michael senses the vibrations in the ground, cha-chas around to face him, and hits him hard, breaking a claw on one tiny arm (“You are going to have to visit a nail tech”).
- 0:38:41 — Chaos event: the barking dog. A dog somewhere on the map barks nonstop; everyone is deafened until it’s found and fed. Michael is already deaf. The deafened T. rex spins around missing. Michael punches him in the nostrils with his iron fists (cartoon lightning). The T. rex’s tail does nothing (Michael is immune to bludgeoning). “Come back! I give you hug! … Come back! I miss you!”
- 0:47:58 — The Kool-Aid Man. Michael tries to run up a tree, which snaps and falls on Victoro; he bursts out of the forest (“Oh yeah!”) and “hugs” him with fists, because he doesn’t know how to open his hands to hug (“This is turning into Of Mice and Men really quickly”). The polymorph breaks. Victoro: “Get off of me, you ignorant, stupid metal man. Michael is a dumb name.” (Michael can’t hear it.)
- 0:53:08 — Dimension door to the top of the cliff. Michael punches the cliff to bring it down; Victoro, bowing smugly (“until next time”), falls like the Roadrunner with his giant pants flapping and lands at Michael’s feet, badly hurt. “Those butterfly pants are all look and no skill.”
- 0:57:23 — Barbara the barbed devil. Victoro summons a barbed devil between them: “Barbara.” Barbara (Caustic Phoenix’s voice): “Victoro, what do you want? I was soaking my feet in the tub.” “My sciatica.” Her hurled flames don’t land. Michael picks Barbara up and hugs her: “New friend!… Friends forever!”, shaking her “like a Polaroid picture,” ignoring her spikes.
- 1:02:53 — Chaos event: sunburn. Victoro’s thick clothes protect him; Michael’s metal heats in the sun, loosening his bolts. Victoro flame-strikes again; Michael heals from fire and squeezes Barbara harder, then takes a little radiant damage.
- 1:08:10 — Barbara tries to get inside Michael. “Let go of me, you giant swine.” She reaches down his neck hole: “There’s nothing there. I am a hollow shell… Why do you think I’m trying to fill it with friendship and dancing?” She tries to unscrew his arm. He finally sets her down and hits her with his sword: “No touch anymore… Bad like bug!” She tries to climb into his neck again; he yanks her off.
- 1:14:03 — Banishment. Victoro casts banishment. The crowd chants “Hero point!” and Michael hears it through the vibrations: “I will not leave you, friends! … I have friends!” He misses the save by one. “Goodbye, friends! Don’t forget me!”
- 1:17:17 — Victoro leaves. “Is this what you wanted? You wanted to see Victoro die. But I will not die today. Today, I will go to the pants store. And I will purchase the largest, fattest pants that I can find.” He poofs away and later turns up at JCPenney. Barbara is left alone: “Who’s gonna pay for my Uber home?”
- 1:18:22 — Michael in exile. He picks “the plane of flowers and daisies,” the most beautiful place in existence, which he can’t see or smell. He holds hands with himself, sad and alone, waiting for “his new next friend.”
- 1:19:17 — The dog. After one minute Michael returns to an empty battlefield. The barking dog finds him and licks his metal body. “Puppy? Puppy!” Michael licks the dog back with his hand-mouths and pets it. Michael now has a dog.