S2E4 — Antsy — Glub Glub v Geril-Lee

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Glub Glub, self-proclaimed smartest hobgoblin of his tribe, faced Geril-Lee, a small and apparently terrified fighter, in the old hunting grounds of the Grandmaster’s family. What began as a solemn tribute to bloodline and legacy turned into a vulture-sound contest, a splinter emergency, a blessed walrus butthole and a sequence of escalating assaults on one hobgoblin’s balls and butthole. It is also, somehow, a story about a lonely genius who finally made a friend.

The Story

The Portrait

The night opened with a slip of the tongue: “Welcome back to the Thunderdome. I’m sorry, the Dread Fortress.” Deep underground, in her chambers within the Dread Fortress, the Grandmaster stood studying an old oil painting of a being much like her, with vast open blue wings. She took three steps back and threw a dagger that landed dead between its eyes.

The Arbiter cocked his head (“Maybe if I stand upside down”) and admitted he didn’t know who it was. It was her great-great-grandfather Skypiercer, she explained, adding, “He’s an ugly motherfucker, so don’t tell me that I look like him.” When the Arbiter confessed he’d assumed she had simply always existed, she gave him a brisk talk on the birds and the bees. He countered that what he understood was deathmatches.

She had hated her ancestor, she said, “but gosh darn, did he enjoy a good fight.” She was craving blood, remembering a youth spent battling and practicing every day for the legacy that would be hers. The Arbiter agreed the blood quota hadn’t been met lately. The Grandmaster wanted someone to lose “a limb or a finger or an ear at least,” someone whose blood would be worthy of her own portrait. The Arbiter announced the match: Glub Glub versus Geril-Lee.

The Champions

Glub Glub introduced himself with pride and a hint of sorrow: “Me name am Glubglub, smartest of Hobgoblin tribe, smarter than Chieftain. Me make wheel, me make claw, but Glubglub make no friend.” Geril-Lee, by contrast, seemed to think there had been a mistake and asked where she was. That exasperated the Arbiter, who said they’d had “a whole conversation in the portal on the way here. You’re embarrassing me in front of the Grandmaster.”

The Grandmaster walked between them, a hand on each shoulder. Glub Glub eyed his opponent’s legs (“Kneecaps on small one look like clockwork. I break and make new”), but she forbade bloodshed on the sacred chamber stones, which were hard to clean. Glub Glub pledged to “challenge everyone for Arbiter Birdlady.” The Grandmaster sized up Geril-Lee too: “Sweet and timid in nature, but something tells me a little more fierceness lurks below on this surface.”

For an arena she chose her great-grandfather’s old hunting grounds, near the waterfall, so the roar would fill the champions’ ears. The Arbiter gathered magical energy with great ceremony, then simply ripped a portal open with one finger.

Into the Hunting Grounds

The champions arrived on either side of a broken stone bridge over a treacherous river, among old trees that “have seen many battles.” High above the treetops, the Acolytes chanted and did the wave roughly five million times. The Grandmaster warned that she would end either of them herself if they embarrassed her bloodline. Then she flew to her giant throne, beside an equally large one where Doug the pug lay, “yet to be determined if today is a bones day or not.”

The first chaos arrived with a caw. The champions were too close to a nest, and both parent birds attacked. The Arbiter had to correct the Grandmaster: they were vultures, because “Our crow guy was indisposed… It’s Terry. He was out of business. It’s, you know, the recession.” A vulture-call contest followed. Glub Glub produced something closer to a chicken, while Geril-Lee’s cry was so high-pitched nobody could hear it. Doug lost his mind anyway, and Glub Glub won by default.

Then the timid fighter showed her teeth. Muttering “I’m scared,” Geril-Lee backflipped across the gap in the bridge and went for Glub Glub’s throat with two daggers. “Glubglub feels blade on skin. Feel good,” he said. Her second dagger slipped, but she recovered with a promise to drink his blood for breakfast. When he called that unsanitary, she replied, “It is in my village.” His great club came down hard, but she twisted away from the worst of it.

Glub Glub proved himself a scientist as well as a mathematician (the Grandmaster offered “Math Titian” for his gravestone). He planted a wooden flag and hammered it into Boom Boom, a little wooden-legged cannon that spat flame. Then he pulled down his “Magic rock goggles!”, which were sticks with no lenses. The Acolytes were delighted enough to grant both champions their favor.

Vultures, Lightning and the Box

The crowd chanted for chaos, and the Grandmaster revealed that the Box of Chaos was hidden somewhere in the arena. She took care to separate it from “the no-no box. We do not touch the no-no box.” The good box burned with pink and yellow flames and granted something grand in exchange for a sacrifice. The vultures dove (“Oh, sky black chicken”), and then a storm rolled in, battering both fighters with lightning.

Glub Glub ran for a tree, Boom Boom trotting after him: “Everyone know, safest place of lightning under tree… It’s science.” Geril-Lee, finding this stupid, sheltered under the bridge. As they fled, both spotted something shimmering in the waterfall: the Box of Chaos, underwater and still burning. Up in the stands, Doug took a die gently in his mouth and rolled far better than the Arbiter. “Someday, someday I’m going to kill that dog with my… If he wasn’t already dead.”

Geril-Lee slid under the bridge and landed a perfect strike on Glub Glub’s ankles, then followed with punches to his belly. She stuck out her tongue to show off its eight piercings, which failed to frighten him. In answer he flew into a frothing rage that scared even Boom Boom, and smashed into her twice. The Acolytes took up his new chant: “Rub-a-dub-glub-glub!” When a vulture’s beak couldn’t pierce his rage-hardened hide, it pooped on him and flew off. “Still smell better than most people I know,” he said. In the stands, the Arbiter finally beat Doug at rolling, for the first time in about twenty-five tries. “Ah, suck it, Doug!”

The Butt Tickler

Geril-Lee asked whether Glub Glub wore pants. Learning it was “Loincloth only,” she summoned an invisible servant whose sole job was to tickle his butt and balls under the loincloth whenever she attacked. The Grandmaster approved: “You may summon the butt tickler.” Glub Glub, nervous, asked for “Only first knuckle. Please,” and explained that “Glub Glub was at college. It was experimental time.”

Distracted and conflicted (“Glubglub, very mixed feelings right now”), Glub Glub ordered Boom Boom to fire and swung wildly. Then disaster struck: he got a splinter from his own club. The Grandmaster was moved. “Splinters are unbearable,” she declared, and the match paused so he could be treated.

The Box and the Beasts

When the fight resumed (“Blows have been stricken, balls have been tickled,” the Arbiter recapped), Geril-Lee made for the waterfall. Glub Glub’s attempt to stop her went badly. She tightened the servant’s grip on him, healed herself in the shallows, then cut off her long raven hair (“I’m gonna take my long and luscious raven hair and Mulan it”) and threw it into the Box. The flames swallowed it, and out floated a Gray Bag of Tricks, a bag of fuzzy balls that turn into creatures when thrown.

Glub Glub freed himself with a very careful punch that narrowly missed his own testicles and dispersed the servant (“Balls free! Yes!”). Then he focused all his magic into a tiny bone and created Bony: a little skeleton with big eye sockets and no jaw, so it seemed to smile forever.

Glub Glub: “Glubglub only friend, Bony.”

The chaos escalated. Doug barked so wildly that the forest echoed with magic, and both champions transformed for a round: Geril-Lee into a panther, Glub Glub into a monstrous walrus (“That was Glubglub’s nickname in college”). The panther pounced, missed, and landed on a pebble as though she’d meant to. The walrus rolled lazily into the water and mooned her. Wondering aloud whether his walrus form had a cloaca or a butthole “for science,” he so impressed the Grandmaster that she blessed him. “Your butthole has been blessed.” A giant emerald die then fell from the sky like a meteor, though nobody ever learned what it did, and a magical darkness swallowed the field.

The Weasel

Blind, Geril-Lee pulled a weasel from her bag and sent it after Glub Glub’s very low-hanging balls. “Even through the water and the rain, the funk abides,” the Arbiter observed, as it ran figure-eights around the tops of his legs, its fur rubbing constantly against his butthole and balls. Glub Glub answered with showmanship. He ripped off his loincloth, exposing everything, and roared, “Are you not entertained?”, then bent over and released a fart worthy of Valhalla. The Acolytes chanted his name, and he punched the “tainted warrior” dead. Then he realized his loincloth was gone and begged the Acolytes not to look.

The Flood

The skies cleared, and the Arbiter reached the final threshold of chaos. He rose, flared his wings and raised the river over its banks. Both champions were swept downstream and battered against the rocks, and the emerald die washed up on the western shore.

In the rapids, Geril-Lee chivalrously declined to target his exposed “downstairs region” and went for the arteries in his legs instead. She landed two perfect strikes. “Glubglub wants to call hacks,” he protested. Bleeding, he spotted Bony floating downriver and snatched him up, stroking the shivering skeleton. Then he handed Bony a twig, and the two attacked “together as one… with the power of friendship.”

The Ant

For her finale, Geril-Lee conjured a single ant into Glub Glub’s “short and curlies.” As it made its way toward the blessed butthole, she cut him twice. Then, as the ant crawled into his butthole, she unleashed a flurry of blows and rolled two perfect strikes in a row. “No! No, I said first knuckle, not first ant.” Glub Glub went down.

In the pouring rain, bleeding, he dropped to his knees before her and presented Bony with a shaking hand.

Glub Glub: “You are superior fighter. Smarter, stronger, faster than Glubglub… Please, Boney, only friend. Geril-Lee, please teach him in your ways of master fighter.”

Geril-Lee accepted, promising to use Bony “for my own devastation on other people.” Then she politely extracted the ant, so he wouldn’t die with an ant in his butthole. The Grandmaster lifted her from the rapids and into the sky, while the Arbiter dragged Glub Glub off by the ankle, his head bouncing off the rocks. Held up before the Acolytes, who showered the field with food and keys, Geril-Lee was crowned the winner. The Grandmaster’s parting advice: “protect your buttholes as you move throughout the week.”

Dried Blood

Afterwards, Geril-Lee was said to feel confused and guilty about what she’d done. She also had a new responsibility: raising Bony, whom she vowed to teach to “aim better… Strike true, strike hard.” At the table, Glub Glub’s player reflected that whether he won or not, “he finally made that friend that he’s always been looking for.” He also declared that they finally knew whales do not have cloacas. As the Arbiter put it: “It’s not about blood and death. It’s about knowledge.”

Notable Moments

• The Grandmaster threw a dagger between the eyes of her own great-great-grandfather’s portrait.
• The vultures stood in for crows because Terry, the crow guy, was out of business in the recession.
• The match paused for a splinter, because “splinters are unbearable.”
• Glub Glub, as a walrus, had his butthole formally blessed by the Grandmaster.
• Glub Glub tore off his loincloth and won the crowd’s favor with a Valhalla-summoning fart.
• Glub Glub lost on two perfect strikes while an ant crawled into his butthole, then gave his only friend, Bony, to his killer.

Memorable Quotes

• Glub Glub: “Me name am Glubglub, smartest of Hobgoblin tribe, smarter than Chieftain. Me make wheel, me make claw, but Glubglub make no friend.”
• Geril-Lee: “I’m gonna drink your blood for breakfast.” / “It is in my village.”
• The Arbiter: “It’s Terry. He was out of business. It’s, you know, the recession.”
• Glub Glub: “Listen, Glub Glub was at college. It was experimental time.”
• Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer: “Your butthole has been blessed.”
• The Arbiter: “Even through the water and the rain, the funk abides.”
• Glub Glub: “No! No, I said first knuckle, not first ant.”
• Geril-Lee: “It’s the ant butthole magic.”

Who and What Appears

Characters

Glub Glub (Dave / carefulcantrip). A hobgoblin, “smartest of Hobgoblin tribe, smarter than Chieftain.” He speaks in broken third person.

• Background:
  • Says he made the wheel and the claw, but “make no friend.”
  • Went to college, where he was a science major (“experimental time”). He had a girlfriend there who did the butt-tickling “once.”
  • College nicknames: “Walrus” and “Tripod.” Motto: “Try everything twice.”
• Habits and looks:
  • Wears a loincloth only, no pants: “part of tribes culture.”
  • Hasn’t washed in days (“vinegar flavor”).
  • Uses the metric system.
  • Very low-hanging; very ticklish.
• Gear and powers:
  • Great club.
  • Rage with Totem of the Bear resistance.
  • Reckless attack and the Sentinel feat.
  • “Magic rock goggles”: sticks with no lenses.
  • Boom Boom, a small wooden-legged eldritch cannon built from a wooden flag and hammer. It follows him and spits flame.
  • Bony/Boney, a tiny homunculus skeleton made from a small bone: big eye sockets, no jaw, a permanent smile. Bony is his only friend.
• In this episode:
  • Got a splinter from his own club.
  • Was a walrus for a round and had his butthole blessed by the Grandmaster.
  • Ripped off his loincloth and farted for the crowd’s favor.
  • Lost to Geril-Lee and gave her Bony with his dying words.
  • Dragged off by the ankle by the Arbiter.

Geril-Lee (AJ / winterstales). Small; Glub Glub calls her “halfling,” “small one,” “tiny puppet girl,” “puny puppet thing.” Timid at first (“I’m scared”), with fierceness beneath.

• Looks: eight tongue piercings. Long, luscious raven hair until she sacrificed it to the Box; now she “look[s] like a rabid animal.”
• Fighting style:
  • Twin daggers, acrobatic backflips, Uncanny Dodge and sneak attack.
  • Flurry of Blows, Patient Defense, Step of the Wind, Wholeness of Body.
  • Shield (unused), Unseen Servant, and the cantrip Annoyance (sneeze, ant).
• Unsettling claims: “drink your blood for breakfast” is normal “in my village.” “I’m gonna eat your skin.”
• What she gains:
  • The Gray Bag of Tricks from the Box of Chaos. She used its weasel.
  • Bony, inherited from Glub Glub.
  • The Grandmaster lifted her up to the Acolytes as the winner.

Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer (Caustic Phoenix).

• Throws a dagger between the eyes of her great-great-grandfather Skypiercer’s portrait. She hated him, but he loved a good fight.
• Recalls growing up in the arena, battling and practicing daily for her legacy.
• Writes champions’ histories “among the wall.”
• Owns her great-grandfather’s hunting grounds (“of my bloodline”).
• Calls herself “a man of science.”
• Blesses Glub Glub’s walrus butthole and calls a med break for a splinter.

The Arbiter (Mudcat).

• Rips a portal open with one finger.
• Employs a crow guy, Terry, who is “out of business” because of the recession.
• Flares his wings to raise the flood.
• Beat Doug at rolling for the first time in ~25 tries, and claims he now (metaphorically) holds the treats. Says he’d kill Doug “if he wasn’t already dead.”
• Told by Elusia that he “haven’t been here that long.”

Doug the pug. Lies on a throne as large as the Grandmaster’s beside her (“bones day or not”). He rolls d20s with his mouth for the Arbiter. His barking echoed through the forest and magically wild-shaped both champions.

The vultures. Two parents defending a nest. One pooped on Glub Glub.

The weasel (“the sack weasel, the tainted warrior”). From the Bag of Tricks; killed by Glub Glub.

The Unseen Servant (“the butt tickler”). Dissipated by a punch.

The ant. Summoned by Annoyance. It crawled through Glub Glub’s short and curlies and into his butthole, then was politely extracted by Geril-Lee.

Places

• The Grandmaster’s chambers in the Dread Fortress (the subterranean castle in a lava field). The stones are sacred and hard to clean of blood.
• The Grandmaster’s great-grandfather’s old hunting grounds:
  • old trees that “have seen many battles”;
  • a roaring waterfall;
  • a broken stone bridge;
  • a treacherous river and rapids downstream. The Acolytes’ grandstands are straight up above the sky.

Items

• The Box of Chaos (“the good chaos box”). It burns pink and yellow even underwater, and gives a random magic item for a sacrifice. This time it took Geril-Lee’s hair. The Grandmaster distinguishes it from “the no-no box. We do not touch the no-no box.”
• Gray Bag of Tricks: Geril-Lee’s prize.
• The giant emerald D20: fell from the sky like a meteor. Its properties were never learned. It washed to the western shoreline.
• The Skypiercer portrait, now with a dagger in it.
• Boom Boom, Bony, the goggles and the great club (Glub Glub).

Lore statements

• Elusia has ancestors named Skypiercer with blue wings. “Skypiercer” is used as a family name (“Mr. and Mrs. Skypiercer”).
• Elusia says she grew up in the arena, training daily for her legacy.
• “Apparently in this arena, we’ve sacrificed many grandmothers before” to the Box.
• The Grandmaster’s chaos events here: Doug’s bark, the falling D20, darkness, storm, and vultures. The Arbiter’s final chaos raised the flood.
• Natural 20 in the arena = maximum damage plus the roll (stated by the Arbiter at 0:31:29). This is a mechanic.

Full Round-by-Round

Every beat of the episode, with timestamps (click to expand)

Opening — the Grandmaster’s chambers

1. 0:00:00 Mudcat opens with “Welcome back to the Thunderdome. I’m sorry, the Dread Fortress.” He then sets the scene: the subterranean castle in a field of lava, deep underground, and the Grandmaster’s chambers.
2. 0:00:43 — The portrait. Elusia stands studying an old oil-style painting. She takes three steps back and throws a dagger that lands dead between the portrait’s eyes. The painting shows a being very like her with vast open blue wings.
3. 0:01:13 She asks whether the Arbiter knows who it is. He cocks his head (“Maybe if I stand upside down”) and says he doesn’t. Elusia: “No, of course you wouldn’t, no, because you haven’t been here that long.” She explains it is her great-great-grandfather Skypiercer: “He’s an ugly motherfucker, so don’t tell me that I look like him.”
4. 0:01:58 The Arbiter “assumed you were kind of just always in existence.” Elusia explains the birds and the bees: “When a Mr. Skypiercer and a Mrs. Skypiercer love each other very dearly, they come together and they make a baby Skypiercer.” The Arbiter: “You know what I understand, Grandmaster, is deathmatches.”
5. 0:02:43 — The legacy. She hated her ancestor, “but gosh darn, did he enjoy a good fight.” She has been craving more blood, remembering “growing up in the arena where I every day battled and practiced preparing for the legacy that would be given to me.”
6. 0:03:09 The Arbiter agrees “our quota of blood has not been met lately.” She wants “someone to lose a limb or a finger or an ear at least.” He jokes that a lost ear could make a painting of her. She asks for someone “whose blood would be worthy to make of my own portrait.”
7. 0:03:44 The Arbiter announces Glub Glub versus Geril-Lee.

The champions present themselves

8. 0:04:06 — Glub Glub: “Me name am Glubglub, smartest of Hobgoblin tribe, smarter than Chieftain. Me make wheel, me make claw, but Glubglub make no friend. No matter, me show in ring, no need for friend, especially weak little halflings.” The Arbiter: “Well, that’s something of a scientist, then.”
9. 0:04:44 — Geril-Lee is timid and confused: “Please, mister. Uh, I think there’s been a mistake… I’m a little bit of a fighter… Where are we?” The Arbiter is exasperated. They had “a whole conversation in the portal on the way here. You’re embarrassing me in front of the Grandmaster.”
10. 0:05:24 The Grandmaster walks between them and rests a hand on each champion’s shoulder while staring straight ahead. Glub Glub asks, “Where’d a bird lady come from?” (inferred as Glub Glub, since the line is merged into Caustic Phoenix’s in the transcript). Then: “Kneecaps on small one look like clockwork. I break and make new.”
11. 0:05:59 The Grandmaster: not here. “These stones are sacred and it takes a lot of effort to get the blood out of them.” The Arbiter: “You wouldn’t believe the cost of cleaning stones.” She tells them to win “with flair to make it memorable that I may write your histories among the wall to be worthy of even my great-grandfather’s viewing.”
12. 0:06:36 Glub Glub: “I will challenge everyone for Arbiter Birdlady.” The Arbiter: “It’s an attitude of a champion right there.” The Grandmaster, of Geril-Lee: “Sweet and timid in nature, but something tells me a little more fierceness lurks below on this surface.”
13. 0:06:49 — The arena choice. She wants “a little wild, a little vast… my great-grandfather’s old hunting grounds.” The Arbiter asks, “Is it near the waterfall?” Yes: “The roaring sound will fill their ears… hopefully encouraging them to be just as unforgiving as the floodgates itself.” The Arbiter summons magical energy, then simply rips a portal open with one finger.

The hunting grounds

14. 0:07:58 The Grandmaster warns that the lands are dangerous and that “the trees are old but have seen many battles and… perhaps can aid you.” She tells them to take the place apart. A broken stone bridge is the starting point, and “the waters are treacherous.” She hovers between the broken bridge spans.
15. 0:08:43 — The crowd. High above the treetops and the blue sky, almost straight up, a whole realm of Acolytes is chanting. There’s already a train going, and they do the wave “like five million times.” The Grandmaster: “If either of you disappoint, know that I will not hesitate to end you myself. I bring you to a sacred hunting ground… it is of my bloodline. Do not embarrass me.”
16. 0:09:26 — Doug’s throne. She flies up to a giant throne among the Acolytes. Beside it is an equally large throne where a tiny pug, Doug, lies down, “yet to be determined if today is a bones day or not.”
17. 0:10:25 The Arbiter to the Acolytes: “It has been weeks since we’ve seen real bloodshed… I promise you tonight, chaos will reign supreme.”

Round 1

18. 0:10:53 Glub Glub has advantage on initiative but rolls the same 9 twice. Grandmaster: “Your fate has been sealed.” Geril-Lee goes first.
19. 0:11:23 — Chaos event 1: the nest (16). A caw: a crow circles closer. They are too close to her nest, and both parents attack, forcing Dex saves at the end of each turn for two rounds. Geril-Lee: “Seems distracting while I’m trying to, you know, not die.” The Arbiter corrects her: “It’s a vulture, Grandmaster. Our crow guy was indisposed… It’s Terry. He was out of business. It’s, you know, the recession.”
20. 0:13:25 — Vulture-sound contest (a d4 bonus as the prize). Glub Glub: “Not sure vulture make noise. Glubglub smart one. I try, though.” He does a “Bacock!” that sounds like a chicken. Geril-Lee’s vulture cry is so high-pitched the mic doesn’t catch it: “We have a silent vulture.” Glub Glub: “All dogs in area go very ballistic right now”; Doug loses his mind in his seat. Glub Glub wins the 1d4 by default.
21. 0:15:02 Geril-Lee: “Oh, um, right, yeah, fight to the death… I’m scared.” Then she backflips over the gap (acrobatics 27) and jumps straight at Glub Glub’s throat with two daggers, slicing him (19 damage). Glub Glub: “Glubglub feels blade on skin. Feel good.” Geril-Lee: “That’s gross.”
22. 0:16:41 Her second dagger is a natural 1. She slips and loses her footing but catches herself. Geril-Lee: “I’m gonna drink your blood for breakfast.” Glub Glub: “Not sanitary.” Geril-Lee: “It is in my village.”
23. 0:17:31 Glub Glub (“How close, tiny puppet girl?”) raises his great club and brings it crashing down, but misses as she dodges. With his extra attack his shadow falls over her and he swings with full force (hit). Geril-Lee uses Uncanny Dodge and halves the damage.
24. 0:19:23 — Math titan. Glub Glub: “Grandmaster, smart, like Glubglub.” She calls them both mathematicians. He offers “math titin.” She’ll put it on a name tag if he survives, “If you die, I’ll put it on your gravestone, Math Titian.”
25. 0:19:56 — Glub Glub science. He asks to try “Glubglub science.” The Grandmaster: “a mathematician and a scientist. Goodness, this resume’s getting long.” The Arbiter: “In the spirit of science, I think we should allow it.” She: “I’m a man of science, actually, yes… we allow this science.”
26. 0:20:25 — Boom Boom. “Glubglub, brain big!” He takes a wooden flag from a small bag, plants it, and bangs it with a small hammer until it becomes a small wooden-legged eldritch cannon with a long nose that spits a little flame. He raises his hands: “Glubglub make fire.” He pulls down his “Magic rock goggles!” They’re just sticks wrapped together, no lenses (Dave, 0:21:19).
27. 0:21:40 — Hero points. The Acolytes love the round so much that both champions get their hero point.
28. 0:22:18 — The Box of Chaos. The crowd chants “Chaos!” and Glub Glub cheers his own name (“Chaos, chaos, not your name. This is not a box of Glubglub”). Geril-Lee: “Someone wants to touch your books, Glubglub.” Glub Glub: “Glubglub, no consent.” The Grandmaster: “The no-no box. We do not touch the no-no box. But there is a good chaos box… a box when open that fires pink and yellow flames and will give you something random but something grand if you sacrifice at least one thing to the box of chaos first. You must find it.”
29. 0:23:36 — The vultures dive. Glub Glub: “Oh, sky black chicken.” He rolls a 3 and takes the full 3 damage. Geril-Lee takes half, rounded up to 2 (“we love a little more pain here”).
30. 0:24:48 — Chaos event 2: the storm (13). Glub Glub: “Lucky number, yes.” The sky disagrees. Clouds rush in, darkness, a torrential downpour, and lightning dancing across the cloud bottoms (“That’s the sound lightning makes in this world. Don’t question it”). Both fail their saves and take 7. “You’re lucky that this is weak lightning. As we all know, powerful lightning comes in phases, every other one.”
31. 0:26:22 — Forced run for cover. Glub Glub: “Everyone know, safest place of lightning under tree. Come boom boom, come with me. It’s science.” The little flag-cannon follows him as he runs. Geril-Lee: “That seems like a stupid plan.” He’s hurt by that. She hides under the bridge, in the dry part, “because that seems dumb with lightning.”
32. 0:28:33 Glub Glub learns the movement ruler is in feet: “GLUBGLUB USED METRIC SYSTEM! NOOOOOOO!” (“Thought you were a real scientist.” Geril-Lee: “technically we both use a metric system.”)
33. 0:28:48 — The Box appears. Both roll 12 on perception. Glub Glub: “goggle foggled up.” While fleeing the lightning they notice something shimmering in the waterfall: the Box of Chaos, under the water and still burning.
34. 0:29:59 — Doug rolls. The Arbiter’s end-of-round roll is a natural 1, which is visibly painful. Doug the pug takes a d20 gently in his mouth, spits it out and rolls 17. The Arbiter: “Someday, someday I’m going to kill that dog with my… If he wasn’t already dead.”

Round 2

35. 0:30:49 Geril-Lee runs under the bridge, slides, and slices at Glub Glub’s legs. Glub Glub: “Not anymore, you don’t.” It’s a natural 20 on his ankles: 28 damage. Her second dagger misses again (“Second dagger always sucks, apparently”).
36. 0:32:18 She spends her hero point on two unarmed strikes to his belly, still holding the daggers. One lands, for 30 damage in the round. She then tries Step of the Wind, but has already used her bonus action. Grandmaster: “sneaky… It’s better to ask for forgiveness than permission.”
37. 0:34:35 — The piercings. Geril-Lee sticks out her tongue to show off her eight piercings (intimidation vs insight). Glub Glub: “Glubglub, insightful! Very empathic.” The Grandmaster: he understands the strength she’s portraying, “but know that it is perhaps not quite a match for you.”
38. 0:35:25 — The rage. “Glubglub! Boros action! RAGE!” He froths at the mouth, and even the little cannon is afraid as the veins bulge across his pectorals. The crowd screams his name. One club smash hits (10). He drags the club along the ground with blood in his eyes and smashes again (12, halved by Uncanny Dodge to 6). “Rub-a-dub-glub, as they say.” The crowd chants “Rub-a-dub-glub-glub!” Glub Glub: “Ankles hurt though, not lying.”
39. 0:37:52 Geril-Lee: “Is that all you got?” Glub Glub: “Oh, you talked to me? Sorry, wasn’t paying attention. Just a small puppet.” He smirks, his muscles “more akin to almost leather armor than anything else.”
40. 0:38:32 — The sneeze. Geril-Lee uses her cantrip Annoyance to make Glub Glub sneeze during his vulture save (disadvantage). “Thunderous boom coming out of Glubglub’s face.” Geril-Lee: “He’s got a cute sneeze.” “Black chicken of death, come for Glubglub again.” The vulture marks him as the greatest threat to her chicks and swoops. His Totem of the Bear rage resists it (“Doesn’t help very much”). Frustrated that her beak won’t go in, the vulture poops on him and flies away. Glub Glub: “Oh, just not Glubglub day.” Grandmaster: “Helps you kind of… mix in with nature.” Glub Glub: “Still smell better than most people I know.”
41. 0:40:58 — The Arbiter beats Doug. The Arbiter rolls 9, and Doug rolls lower. “Ah, suck it, Doug!” The Grandmaster: it’s “the first out of like 25 rolls in which you have beaten him.” The Arbiter: “From now on, Doug will bow to me, because I am the one who holds the treats now.” “No, I hold the treats.” “I metaphorically hold the treats.”

Round 3 — the butt tickler

42. 0:42:16 Geril-Lee: “Glubglub, do you wear pants?” Glub Glub: “Hashtag Glubglub no wear pants. Loincloth only.” It’s “part of tribes culture.”
43. 0:42:55 She casts Unseen Servant, tasked to stand behind Glub Glub and tickle his butt under the loincloth every time she attacks. Glub Glub: “Glubglub have girlfriend do this once. Wasn’t sure. Scared again.” Grandmaster: “You may summon the butt tickler.” Glub Glub: “Only first knuckle. Please.” Geril-Lee: “There was no instruction of insertion, just to clarify.” Glub Glub: “Listen, Glub Glub was at college. It was experimental time.” Grandmaster: “No judgment.” Geril-Lee clarifies the servant will “lightly tickle his balls.” She gets advantage on her attacks, takes Patient Defense, and has the servant tickle him as a held action when he attacks.
44. 0:44:51 She plays pretend with “big, big innocent eyes” so he won’t notice (deception 21). Glub Glub fails to see through it: “Glubglub boss, very ticklish… Glubglub, very mixed feelings right now… Also have not washed in days. Hopefully like vinegar flavor.”
45. 0:46:14 Still raging, Glub Glub attacks at disadvantage from the tickling (“Ball tickling no matter to Glubglub”). He points: “Boom Boom. Boom.” Boom Boom opens wide and spits flame at her. She dodges well (Patient Defense, 26) and takes half.
46. 0:48:19 He approaches, “smiling awkwardly,” almost attempts something, decides not to, and swings wildly instead (hit, 10). “I laugh because balls very ticklish reminds me of this one time in college. No, we’re not talking about this now.” His extra attack misses badly, and he gets a splinter from his great club as he shakes his finger. “Oh, resistance no to sliver damage. No!”
47. 0:50:14 — The splinter break. The Grandmaster is moved by his plight: “Arbiter, I know for the most part we don’t deal with healing, but splinters are unbearable.” The Arbiter: “it’s not a fair deathmatch if someone has a splinter.” They break so Glub Glub can be cured of his splinter.

After the break — Round 4

48. 0:51:02 The Arbiter recaps: pouring rain, a picturesque waterfall, the Box looming. “Blows have been stricken, balls have been tickled.”
49. 0:51:34 — Going for the Box. Geril-Lee uses Step of the Wind to disengage, but Glub Glub’s Sentinel feat stops her. His opportunity attack is a natural 1, and he also loses his next chance to punish a disengage. Glub Glub: “Glubglub does not want to hang out with you anyway.” Geril-Lee: “Are you sure? You’re not lonely? I command the Unseen Servant to squeeze tighter, I guess.” Glub Glub: “Oh, Glubglub voice, go a little higher now.”
50. 0:53:39 She wades ankle-deep into the waterfall and uses Wholeness of Body to heal.
51. 0:54:06 — The sacrifice. The Grandmaster: “We do favor grandmas. Apparently in this arena, we’ve sacrificed many grandmothers before.” Geril-Lee: “I’m gonna take my long and luscious raven hair and Mulan it.” She cuts it off and throws it in. The flames swallow the hair as it falls in slow motion, and the box closes, churning and shaking. She now “look[s] like a rabid animal.”
52. 0:56:00 — The prize. The box opens and a small bag floats up: a Gray Bag of Tricks. Reach in, pull a small fuzzy object, throw it up to 20 ft, and it becomes a creature. Grandmaster: “It’s very popular for those who like fuzzy balls.” Glub Glub: “Glubglub’s fuzzy balls do not feel tricky right now.”
53. 0:57:45 — Freeing the balls. “I’m very, very being very cautious in attacking unseen servant wrapped around fuzzy ball right now.” His unarmed strike ties the servant’s AC for a glancing blow. He punches down, narrowly missing his own testicles, and the servant dissipates. Grandmaster: “Your balls now free and hang loose.” Glub Glub: “Balls free! Yes! Feel better, Glubglub does.” Geril-Lee: “For now, they are free.”
54. 0:59:09 — Bony is born. “Glubglub would like to play game.” He searches his bag, finds a tiny bone and focuses all his magical might into it. He creates a small adorable skeleton: big-boned, large eye sockets, and no jaw, so it looks like a permanent smile. It looks up at him: “Glubglub only friend, Bony.” He sets Bony down and pats his head. “As Glubglub loves bony.” The table plays on “bony.” After a “Wait, don’t clip!” mishap (“Not the small bony!”), Glub Glub ends his turn in shame.
55. 1:00:59 The Arbiter rolls a 6. The Grandmaster adds a 17 “because you are a sad roller.” As a gift to returning Acolytes she skips ahead to the third chaos level. The Arbiter’s roll is a 5 (“There is no bad roll for chaos”), and she takes another roll.
56. 1:02:21 — Chaos event: Doug’s bark. Doug stands on all four paws and barks like crazy, “maybe it’s because of all the balls on the field.” The barks echo through the forest and create a magical effect: both champions wild shape for one round. Glub Glub: “Doug, please, we friends. Name like Glubglub, Doug, Doug.” Bony staying up “more than four hour” means “call doctor.”
57. 1:03:36 Geril-Lee becomes a panther. Glub Glub becomes a walrus, a monstrous one (“That’s way too big”). Glub Glub: “That was Glubglub’s nickname in college.” “The walrus versus the panther. Tale as old as time.”

Round 5 — Battle of the Beasts

58. 1:05:50 Geril-Lee asks if the walrus is still raging. He passes a Con save: “Cuckoo Cachoo!” Grandmaster: “walruses fighting are terrifying.” Glub Glub: “Also, you should see what we do at SeaWorld.”
59. 1:07:03 The panther pounces to knock the walrus prone and carve its belly (“isn’t a walrus already technically prone?”). She misses badly and lands on a pebble next to it, as if that was what she meant to pounce on.
60. 1:08:21 — The moon. The walrus “very slowly and lazily, very fat, roll[s] into water.” Then it jettisons its tail out of the water and moons the panther, “walrus style.” Grandmaster: “I have no idea what a walrus butthole looks like, but we are witnessing it now.” Glub Glub: “Like very large balloon knot.” Geril-Lee: “We’ve seen balloon knots bigger than that before.” She isn’t intimidated by “this walrus anus” and eyes off the butthole.
61. 1:10:01 — For science. Glub Glub: “Does whale have cloaca or butthole? Must know for science.” Geril-Lee: “You’re a walrus, it’s not a whale.” “Well, very form-fitting. Thank you for complimenting.” The Grandmaster appreciates his commitment and grants him Bless for one round. Glub Glub: “Bless these buttholes of Walrus!” Grandmaster: “Your butthole has been blessed.” When the wild shape ends he keeps the blessing: “that was my favorite moment of all D&D, my blessed butthole.” The Grandmaster asks the Discord to post walrus buttholes “for science.”
62. 1:11:05 — Two chaos events (“God bless this mess”). The 16 repeats, so it’s rerolled to 19.
    • The emerald D20. Something sparkling falls through the parted clouds like a meteor: a shining emerald gem, a giant D20. It lands between them and pushes the water away. Whoever reaches it first can roll history to learn its properties. Nobody ever does.
    • Chat confirms that whales do have buttholes (1:13:24).
    • Magical darkness for one round: movement is a d4 direction. “Do I still have a butthole? You can quickly check and find out.”

Round 6 — the weasel

63. 1:14:32 Geril-Lee pulls from the bag and throws a weasel. She commands it to go after the balls “since it worked so well the last time.” Glub Glub says he’s technically washed, being in the water. The Grandmaster: the water was only up to her knees, “how low do your balls hang?” Glub Glub: “Very, very low. Glubglub could be great-grandfather by ball stretch.”
64. 1:16:50 The weasel finds them by smell: “Even through the water and the rain, the funk abides.” She has it run figure-eights around the tops of his legs: “constant fur against butthole and balls.” Glub Glub: “Weasels shall be known in legend as the tainted fighter.” She backs off blind (d4: west) and feels her way behind the trees. Patient Defense again. She taunts: “How’s the weasel treating?” Glub Glub: “It’s very tight.”
65. 1:18:47 — “Are you not entertained?” Glub Glub turns to the Acolytes, rips off his loincloth, exposing everything, and screams, “Are you not entertained? Are you not entertained?” He bends over and lets out “the biggest fart the world will ever know, like Valhalla is being called down,” asking the Acolytes’ blessing to vanquish the weasel. The crowd chants “Glub, Glub” and gives him advantage. Grandmaster: “Your advantageous fart works.”
66. 1:19:50 Very carefully, he punches the weasel and kills it: “the sack weasel, the tainted warrior.” “The tainted warrior is defeated! Once more! Glubglub is back!”
67. 1:20:36 — Shame. “Where did loincloth go? Oh no.” The Arbiter: “The consequences of your actions.” “The water is cold! Please don’t look, Acolytes! … Nicknamed Tripod in college, don’t look!” The table riffs: he was a science major who experimented. Glub Glub: “Try everything twice, Glubglub used to say.” The Arbiter: “Gotta make sure that first time wasn’t a fluke.”
68. 1:21:26 The darkness lifts and the rain parts to a clear sky.

The final chaos — the flood

69. 1:21:47 The Arbiter rolls 19, reaching the final threshold (“Unleash the Hell’s Arbiter!”). The Arbiter stands, flares his wings and raises his hands. The water rises and spills over the banks. Geril-Lee saves with 20, and Glub Glub with 17: “Glubglub has learned from the ways of the walrus, the dexterous ways of Fat Walrus.” Both are swept downriver and banged against the rocks, Glub Glub harder. Geril-Lee, chest-deep: “It’s totally to do with mass, body mass.”
70. 1:23:21 Initiative is rerolled (Geril-Lee 18, Glub Glub 15). “But now you’re both clean, so yay.” The giant D20 rock washes down too, landing on the western shoreline.

The river fight — new Round 1

71. 1:24:46 Geril-Lee: “His complete downstairs region is exposed due to the ripping of loincloth. I will be fair and not go for that region.” She goes for his legs instead. Medicine 13: she knows the major arteries in the legs and gets advantage. First strike misses. She spends her hero point; the next dagger is a natural 20 with sneak attack (35, halved by his rage). His Con save of 14 means she narrowly misses the arteries: he bleeds, but not profusely.
72. 1:29:22 Her Flurry of Blows is another natural 20. Glub Glub: “Glubglub wants to call hacks on Geril-Lee. She hack matrix to good roll.” Geril-Lee: “Eat my dust.” He is severely wounded, his blood mixing into the river.
73. 1:30:25 — Saving Bony. “Glubglub care not for damage… Panic stricken. Only friend lost from raging river.” He spots his homunculus floating down the river and snatches him (sleight of hand 16). “Poor Boney’s shivering from cold river. I stroke Boney, make sure he okay. I snuggle Boney.” The Grandmaster makes stroking Bony a free action. Bony goes on his shoulder and they nod to each other. “It’s a boner action.” He has no bonus action because the Eldritch Cannon is gone. “Getting woozy, little wobbly right now, but fierce, Boney and I together, friends as one.”
74. 1:32:24 — The power of friendship. He spends his hero action (“Be the hero, Grub Grub!”). He raises his great club and gives Bony a small twig, and they attack “together as one… with the power of friendship.” He gets two rounds of hits with Bony adding his own strikes. “Pat Boney on head. Proud. Proud, Glubglub is.” Geril-Lee Uncanny Dodges the last one.

Round 2 — the ant

75. 1:35:38 Geril-Lee checks that “the Blackbirds of Death” are gone (“That chicken’s very scary”). Grandmaster: “Glubglub stands bleeding in the middle of a river.” Glub Glub: “Glubglub would wish Madam President good night.”
76. 1:36:28 She uses Annoyance again to materialize a single ant. Glub Glub: “No, no, please, not short and curlies, please, I beg, Glubglub begs.” The ant crawls through his short and curlies. “Glubglub has no stone comb! What will Glubglub do?” Geril-Lee: “I figured this is a way smaller opponent than a weasel and or unseen servant.” She attacks with advantage while his guard is down: one big hit, then a glancing blow. “The ant will start making its way towards the blessed butthole.” Glub Glub: “No, not blessed butthole.”
77. 1:39:43 Geril-Lee: “Yeah, I’m gonna eat your skin when I’m done with you.” Glub Glub: “Oh, that’s weird. You’re weird. Wow. Remind me of girlfriend from college again.” He attacks recklessly (“No small comb needed”) and hits. He yells, “Boney! Attack our enemy.” Bony’s ranged strike misses; Glub Glub pets him and says “good try,” then reckless-attacks again and hits. Geril-Lee: “I don’t think your Boney knows how to aim.”
78. 1:42:05 The Arbiter rolls a 4. The Grandmaster stands at her throne and demands the end: “Choose your favorite champion. Champions, give us the final bout. Tear each other apart.” The Arbiter calls it round three (“of the second half”): “the card guy only had, like, seven cards, so we gotta start over.” Grandmaster: “We don’t normally go above seven. Normally someone’s dead by now.”

Round 3 — the end

79. 1:43:03 Glub Glub: “Final round. Continue. Fight… Finish him.” Geril-Lee remembers her Shield reaction but saves it. Her hero point is already gone, “like the wind.”
80. 1:44:30 She faces Glub Glub, “knowing the ant is still crawling around his butthole,” and slices with advantage twice; both hit. Glub Glub: “Bring unknown feeling… Something in Glubglub.” “Unrelenting. He’s doing like the little wiggle hands.”
81. 1:45:39 — Flurry of Blows (“Furry of Blows if you’re into that”). “As the ant crawls into the butthole.” Glub Glub: “No! No, I said first knuckle, not first ant.” Two natural 20s in a row. Geril-Lee: “It’s the ant butthole magic.” Grandmaster: “It’s always something in his butthole when this happens.” Glub Glub goes down.
82. 1:47:02 — Last words. Rain pouring, darkness around him, hair dripping, head down and bleeding profusely, Glub Glub drops to his knees before her. “You are superior fighter. Smarter, stronger, faster than Glubglub.” With a shaking hand he takes Bony from his shoulder, makes eye contact one last time, and presents him: “Please, Boney, only friend. Geril-Lee, please teach him in your ways of master fighter.”
83. 1:48:41 Geril-Lee: “I will gladly take your boney and utilize it for my own devastation on other people.” Glub Glub: “In end, Jolie [?], take this.” Geril-Lee politely extracts the ant “so that he doesn’t die with an ant in his butthole.” The Grandmaster: “That’s respectful.” The Arbiter: “Kind of you.”
84. 1:49:16 — The victory. The Grandmaster glides down: “Come, let’s get you out of these rapids,” and lifts Geril-Lee into the sky. “Arbiter, please, with the most respect, take care of Glubglub.” The Arbiter grabs Glub Glub by the ankle and drags him off. His head bounces off the rocks as he’s dragged into the forest.
85. 1:50:05 Held at eye level with the Acolytes, Geril-Lee hears: “Those who have witnessed your greatness today… now know to never underestimate you… when your opponent had his name spouting from the mouths of Acolytes. It is you who have actually survived. You are our winner tonight.” The crowd throws food and keys onto the field (“Who needs to go home?”). “Dear Acolytes, remember tonight, and of course, protect your buttholes as you move throughout the week.” “Welcome, and good night! The D20 Deathmatch!”

Full Dried Blood notes (click to expand)

• Mudcat introduces it as Season 2, “DM Dave versus Winter’s Tale, Glub Glub versus Geril-Lee.”
• AJ, on winning: “Confused… post-fight very ashamed of what I did… a lot of guilt.” Caustic Phoenix: “now you have to raise Boney because you killed his… friend.” AJ: she’s in charge of Glub Glub’s Bony and will teach him to “aim better… Strike true, strike hard.” (Light, semi-in-character banter about Geril-Lee raising Bony. Whether this is canon is flagged below.)
• Dave on Glub Glub: an intellectual in a tribe that didn’t understand him, with no friends. “Regardless if he won or not, he finally made that friend that he’s always been looking for.”
• Dave: “we finally know that whales do not have cloacas.” Mudcat: “It’s not about blood and death. It’s about knowledge.”
• AJ’s plan: she meant to pants him every strike, but Glub Glub had no pants, so she suggested light butt tickling. “Dave turned it into ball tickling,” and it escalated from there. She picked Annoyance for creative options: an ant, a sneeze, or an unpleasant odor. She skipped the odor because Glub Glub already smelled. Dave: “Very vinegary.”
• Dave: “don’t put this on the internet… I’m engaged now… First knuckle.”
• Lesson (Dave): “Try everything twice… the second time, that ant crawls into your butthole. And you need a good friend or combatant to fish it out for you.”
• Parting words:
  • Dave: “Practice your kegels because you never know when an ant, a weasel, or an unseen servant might tickle your balls.”
  • AJ: “get creative… make them as horrifying as possible.” Dave: “Consent is important.” AJ: “Maybe check your opponent first.”
  • Mudcat: “an eye-opening or brown-eye-closing match.” Dave: “She turned my brown eye blue.”