S3E15 — Sunday Slam — Belet v Derick

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Belet, a pro-labor noble from Waterdeep who hunts evil dragons, faced Derick, an aging hippo cleric who sails the black holes of space, on an ancient battlefield where somebody once made a final stand and lost. The night brought a daylight savings scare, a wagon flipped onto an old man, a Box of Chaos that got stoned and drifted off to see Les Misérables, and a support group for the large of nose. It ended in the mud with an AARP pamphlet and a promise of hippo cookies.

The Story

Late, or Not

Sunday night in the Dread Fortress found the Arbiter wandering the halls, “clanking his chains behind him.” Nobody knows what he is always doing on a Sunday night. The Grandmaster came sprinting down a stone hallway, slamming doors and shouting for him, trailed by a huddle of little goblins carrying the charcuterie board (“because we always have one of those”). Exhausted, she was convinced the Deathmatch was supposed to have started an hour ago.

The Arbiter let her down gently: “You do know that it was daylight savings time, right?” She froze. “We have our own plane. We could get rid of these stupid rules.” When he pointed out she could abolish it right then, she refused. It would go on her agenda for Monday morning, because “It’s not official unless it’s done Monday through Friday between nine to five.” The Arbiter deferred to her “incredible business acumen.” Slightly disappointed that she could no longer be righteously angry, the Grandmaster asked whether he had at least brought anyone.

Enter the Champions

The Arbiter clapped. The sound rippled visibly through the halls, a portal tore open in time and space, and through the fog stepped “Derick Taladin versus Belet Bladesimmer. Or something like that.”

“I am Belet Blesamar of Waterdeep,” she announced, struggling slightly with the word “deathmatch.” She was the seventh in a long line of nobility, so her parents “don’t give me shit,” and she adventured for treasure instead. She had learned to fight “killing evil dragons mostly,” though she was quick to add that not all dragons are evil. Some just had a rough upbringing, “but there’s other dragons who are pretty nice.” The Arbiter had found her in a dragon’s den.

Derick had less of a grip on things. “Hello. Welcome to me, Derick. I don’t know where I am exactly.” The Arbiter shrugged it off: “I make them sign the release forms. It’s not my fault that they don’t read them.” Derick hailed from “the deep holes of space,” riding the rifts on his Spelljammer ship, and the Arbiter had plucked him out of a black hole. Belet said it was nice to meet someone who wasn’t trying to kill her. “Trust me,” said the Arbiter, “I know exactly the feeling.” Asked for her terms, Belet wanted to know about pay. Told it was “adequate,” she accepted. Derick raised his lance: “To battle!”

A Battle Long Lost

The Arbiter cracked his knuckles and clapped open a dark, musty portal that smelled “of old wood and old death.” “Welcome, champions, to a battle long lost,” the Grandmaster declared. The ground was gray and damp, littered with old weapons, broken bones and “maybe a few leftover people here and there.” The champions stood inside a crushed ring of wagons and broken wood, five to ten feet high in places, the barricade of some group’s doomed last stand. “This soil has hungered for blood for hundreds of years.”

Belet asked about a tetanus shot. The Grandmaster promised great medical insurance, a retirement fund for anyone who made it out alive, and “a gym membership for the gym around the corner.” Derick sniffed that he had been to worse places in the galaxy: “This is not even amongst the top five.” Offended, the Grandmaster threw a handful of mud at him, and it went straight into his mouth, goopy and tasting like shit. “Eat four points of dirt, sucker.”

Then a small pug, “a little beaten and worn,” hopped out from behind her. Doug barked at each champion to keep them on their toes. Belet knelt and offered him a hag’s eye from her pouch, an oblong eyeball still attached to muscle tissue (“It’s actually really tasty for little pugs. It’s kind of juicy”). Doug gobbled it down, danced between her feet and blessed her with a little extra luck. Derick only complained about the yapping, but Doug respected a man who defended his personal space, glared at him, and ran back to the Grandmaster. Above them, the Acolytes screamed for blood. The Grandmaster told the champions to “give them a fight worthy of remembrance,” and the Arbiter spread his glowing white wings and soared into the dark.

Javelins and Teacups

Belet struck first. She jumped onto the wreckage and hurled a family javelin across the ring, and it hit. When the Grandmaster said she believed in her, Belet snapped, “You better start believing in me, fucker!” A second javelin hit too. Scrambling over the barricade, she slipped and took a splinter to the shin. “That’s the wound that you’re going to remember,” said the Grandmaster. “It’s the splinter.”

Belet’s squire, Shala (“Charlie,” to those who can’t pronounce it), watched from the stands in a T-shirt with her face on it. She had rescued him from the ruined town of Greenest and chosen him because his nose was as big as hers: “you got to join the big nose club.” Behind him cheered the Big Nose Club itself, a support group, a movement, meeting every Tuesday at 6 p.m.

Derick pulled the javelin out of his chest plate, raised his lance (“Give me power”) and summoned a spectral weapon in the shape of a giant, platinum-filigreed teacup. Belet invented a rule on the spot: “If you’re gonna attack me with a teacup, you have to spill some tea about you.” He had none (“I left my tea on the ship. I figured I’d be back before brunch”), so he revealed his favorite color instead: “Bronze, of course.” Belet: “Bronze, third place color?” The teacup missed. The javelin, still soaked in his own blood, did not. Derick hurled it back for a brutal critical hit. He then tried to intimidate her by banging his lance on his shield, with “the worst cadence.” Belet compared it to an old man saying “hello my fellow kids,” which set off an argument about whether “bop” is still a word. Doug rolled his own plush d20, and the Acolytes cheered both champions on with a fresh burst of energy.

Suck My Wagon

Belet spent that energy on something nobody had ever done before. She charged through the mud, squatted deep and flipped a heavy wagon over on top of the old hippo. “Suck my wagon!” “Dear heavens!” Derick stayed on his feet and ended up holding the wagon on his shoulders, trapped underneath. Belet vaulted on top and stabbed down through it, but missed. “You’re quite heavy on top of this thing,” he groaned.

The Grandmaster clarified for the Acolytes that Derick was a hippo. Derick then ripped off his trunk, which turned out to be glued on. “I have an even larger nose now.” A section of the crowd gasped and covered their noses, children screamed “Not the nose!”, and Belet called it a despicable mockery of her people. Derick prayed to heal himself while Belet jabbed at him through the planks to stop the magic words. Then he tried to shake the cart apart, rolled the worst result possible, and buckled at the knees. “I can hear your back breaking down there,” said Belet. He finally wriggled free and circled behind her.

Gerald Gets High

The Acolytes, the Nose Club loudest of all, demanded chaos. The Arbiter snapped his fingers and the Box of Chaos slammed down from the sky into the wagon. Pink and purple flames shot up without heat, shadowy fingers crept over the rim, and Gerald peered out with his yellow eyes. Belet offered him three VIP coupons for musicals back in Waterdeep. Gerald perked up: “Do they ever do Les Mis?” In return he floated her a potion of storm giant strength, which she chugged. “Now he’s really fucked.”

With a shoulder feint she hit hard, then apologized: “I feel really bad about this because this is like picking on an old man.” Derick knocked her blade away, she caught a second wind and posed as her hair blew back, and he muttered, “Looks will only get you so far, madam.” Then he went to the box himself, offering Gerald half a pound of pipe weed from a high-oxygen planet. Belet was appalled: “You’re telling me you smoke weed and you’re against labor rights? What the fuck?” From inside the box: “I’m a complicated guy.”

Derick pictured himself holding a blunderbuss. The lid opened on a billow of smoke, and Gerald, his eyes now bloodshot red, swayed back and forth with a giant gun, tilted back and fired it by accident past Derick’s head. The smoke grew so thick it lifted the box clean off the battlefield. Off to Les Mis! “I dream to dream of time gone by,” Belet called after him. Derick poured all his healing into himself (“This blunderbuss better fucking work!”). Then the Arbiter rolled a natural 1. “Suck my consequences.” The Grandmaster insisted nothing had happened, and the Arbiter cast modify memory on the entire crowd.

Old Bones

The Acolytes summoned a chaos event. A strange tingle crept from both champions’ toes to their fingers, and every muscle flexed at once. “Oh, it’s the arthritis again,” said Derick. Belet tried to sweep his leg in honor of the “immortal sensei of Cobra Kai,” but her body betrayed her and she swept her own, landing tailbone-first in the mud while green magical dust shook off her. Her second try dropped him flat.

As Belet pressed the attack, the Arbiter took pity. “This is cruel and inhumane. You’re absolutely right. This is pathetic.” He wrapped a glowing barrier around Derick. “It’s because hippos are endangered,” the Grandmaster explained. Belet pledged all proceeds from kicking this hippo’s ass to endangered wildlife and kept swinging. Derick screamed in pain, loudly and uselessly. “The future is now, old man.”

Derick dug through the cart, found three measly dried apples, and scooped them through the mud into his mouth one by one. Then he rolled onto his back, shouted “Call the city guard, but not for me!” and opened fire. The blunderbuss shots exploded, three of them, and Belet escaped the blast of only one. “Starting to feel like the chaos gods may have overcorrected by giving this person the minigun.” Both champions were now bloodied. Meanwhile Doug whimpered at the throne’s edge. His plush d20 had fallen into the mud during the Arbiter’s disaster, out of reach.

Always Remember Derick

Belet’s first swing missed. Derick’s teacup could still have fought, but a coin toss decided whether he remembered it, and he didn’t. “Alzheimer’s is kicking in,” said the Arbiter. Belet used Doug’s blessing, but the Arbiter’s barrier held: “Because we’ve rigged the election. Remember to vote, kids out there.” Derick pleaded for calm. “I will be plenty calm when you just respect people’s right to a fair living wage.” Her next swing killed him.

Belet tucked an AARP pamphlet into his shirt pocket, and with his last breath Derick ripped it up. His final thoughts were of his brother, Larry: “I shouldn’t have taken my brother’s armor. He was much better at this than I was.” Doug retrieved his d20, and the Grandmaster raised a toast “for the blood that was shed in the hippo steaks that we will eat tonight.” The dying Derick managed a startled “Huh? What?”, and she pushed his face into the mud. They would not actually eat him. There would be hippo-shaped cookies and tea in remembrance. “Always remember Derick.” She flew Belet up to the Acolytes, where Shala and the Nose Club had torn off their shirts to wave them overhead, free nipples all over that section.

Dried Blood

After the fight the Arbiter revealed that the Dread Fortress is proudly pro-union: there is a chinchilla union, a goblin union, and possibly one more. The leader of the chinchilla union “is kind of a dick though.” The Grandmaster praised the PTO program: at least three extra days off a week, an extra-long weekend each month, and a mandatory two weeks a year. Belet felt she’d earned them: “I should hope that I would get two weeks off after getting shot in the fucking gut.” And she still has that splinter. At the table, Derick’s player admitted he had meant to play the heel, capitalism against Belet’s unionizing, which is hard to do while getting beaten up.

Notable Moments

• The Grandmaster nearly abolished daylight savings time on the spot, then scheduled it for Monday, nine to five.
• Belet flipped a wagon onto Derick, a first for the show, and he ended up holding it on his shoulders.
• Derick ripped off his glued-on trunk, horrifying the Big Nose Club and their children.
• Gerald took musical coupons and pipe weed, got stoned, fired a blunderbuss by accident and floated off to see Les Mis.
• The chaos event made Belet sweep her own leg.
• The Arbiter shielded Derick out of pity, and Derick’s killing was answered with a ripped-up AARP pamphlet and promised hippo cookies.

Memorable Quotes

• The Grandmaster: “It’s not official unless it’s done Monday through Friday between nine to five.”
• The Arbiter: “I make them sign the release forms. It’s not my fault that they don’t read them.”
• Derick: “I left my tea on the ship. I figured I’d be back before brunch.”
• Belet: “Suck my wagon!”
• Belet: “You’re telling me you smoke weed and you’re against labor rights? What the fuck?”
• Gerald: “I’m a complicated guy.”
• Belet: “I will be plenty calm when you just respect people’s right to a fair living wage.”
• Derick: “I shouldn’t have taken my brother’s armor. He was much better at this than I was.”

The Grandmaster: “Always remember Derick.”

Who and What Appears

Characters

Belet (isfridayTV / Friday). Belet “Bladesimmer”/“Blesamar” (surname uncertain) of Waterdeep.

• A noble, seventh in a long line. Her family gives her nothing, so she adventures for treasure and mostly kills evil dragons (but some dragons are nice).
• A fighter: Battle Master maneuvers (pushing, lunging, feinting and trip attacks), Mage Slayer, action surge, second wind, Indomitable. Longsword and two family javelins with a Waterdeep inscription.
• Squire Shala (“Charlie”), rescued from the destroyed town of Greenest.
• Founder (inferred) and member of the Big Nose Club, which meets Tuesdays at 6 p.m.
• Pro-labor rights, which her bourgeois family wouldn’t approve of. Has musical connections in Waterdeep. Carries hag’s eyes as pet treats. Is good with animals.
• “She’s French” (Friday’s aside).
• Found by the Arbiter in a dragon’s den.
• In this episode: won Doug’s inspiration, flipped a wagon onto Derick, got a potion of storm giant strength from Gerald, swept her own leg during the chaos event, was shot by the blunderbuss, killed Derick.
• Still has the splinter.

Derick (Nat1Fun / Dan). Derick “Taladin” (surname uncertain).

• An old hippo (Astral Spark comes from his hippo nature) with a trunk glued on as a fake nose, which he ripped off.
• Travels the rifts and black holes of space on his Spelljammer ship.
• A cleric / war priest who also has Lay on Hands (Dan mentions smite). Lance and shield.
• Favorite color: bronze. Smokes a pipe and carried high-grade pipe weed from a high-oxygen planet.
• Forgetful. Left his tea on the ship.
• Wore his brother Larry’s armor; Larry “was much better at this… He was a fighter.”
• In this episode: got Gerald’s +3 blunderbuss, and was given +2 AC by the Arbiter out of pity. Killed by Belet; to be remembered with hippo cookies.

Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer (Caustic Phoenix).

• Believes in procedure: business is done only on business days, 9 to 5, with agendas. Plans to abolish daylight savings time on the plane on Monday.
• Threw mud at Derick. Promises medical insurance, a retirement fund, a gym membership and PTO.
• Proposed hippo steaks, then retracted it for hippo cookies.

The Arbiter (Mudcat).

• Clanks chains while wandering the fortress on Sunday nights. Makes champions sign release forms.
• Knows the feeling of everyone trying to kill him.
• Took pity on Derick (+2 AC). Rolled a nat 1 and “cast modify memory” on the crowd.

Gerald (Mudcat). Lives in the Box of Chaos; yellow eyes and shadowy fingers.

• Wanted to see Les Mis and took Belet’s coupons.
• Got high on Derick’s pipe weed and his eyes went red. Fired the blunderbuss by accident.
• Drifted off on the smoke “to Les Mis”; expected back with a souvenir cup, T-shirt and flag.

Doug the pug. The Grandmaster’s pug, “a little beaten and worn.” He grants blessings and inspiration, rolls a plush D20 at round ends, and chews a bone. He cried when his plush D20 fell into the mud.

Shala (“Charlie”). Belet’s big-nosed squire from Greenest. He wears a Belet face T-shirt and went shirtless in celebration.

The Big Nose Club. A support group and movement in the stands. Covered their noses in horror at Derick’s trunk.

Larry. Derick’s brother, a better fighter, whose armor Derick wore.

The goblins carrying the Grandmaster’s charcuterie board. The Acolytes.

Places

• The Dread Fortress: stone hallways and the Grandmaster’s throne room (mentioned).
• “A battle long lost”: an ancient gray, damp battlefield inside a crushed ring of wagons/chariots, littered with old weapons, bones and bodies. The soil has hungered for blood for hundreds of years.
• Waterdeep, Belet’s home (shows and musicals). Greenest, a destroyed town where Shala was found.
• Derick’s “black holes” and space rifts; a high-oxygen planet.
• A gym “around the corner.”

Items

• Potion of storm giant strength (Belet, from Gerald).
• +3 blunderbuss with explosive shots (Derick, from Gerald).
• Derick’s teacup spiritual weapon (platinum filigree). Derick’s lance, shield, pipe, glued-on trunk and Larry’s armor.
• Belet’s family javelins, hag’s eye treats, three VIP musical coupons (traded) and an AARP pamphlet.
• The flipped wagon. Three dried apples. Doug’s plush D20. The charcuterie board.

Lore statements

• The Grandmaster’s realm keeps daylight savings time, for now. She calls it “our own plane” and rules by agenda and process.
• The Dread Fortress has unions (chinchilla and goblin unions) and a PTO program (Dried Blood, see flag).
• The arena’s champions are promised medical insurance, a retirement fund and a gym membership.
• The Box of Chaos can fly off with Gerald inside.

Full Round-by-Round

Every beat of the episode, with timestamps (click to expand)

Opening — the Dread Fortress and daylight savings

1. 0:07:09 Back in the Dread Fortress, the Arbiter wanders the halls “clanking his chains behind him,” looking for the Grandmaster. (“What is he always doing on a Sunday night wandering around? Nobody knows.”)
2. 0:07:39 The Grandmaster comes running frantically down a stone hallway, opening and slamming doors and shouting for him. A huddle of little goblins follows her, carrying the charcuterie board (“because we always have one of those”). She is exhausted from running all over the fortress. She thinks the Deathmatch “was supposed to happen an hour ago” and that they’re late.
3. 0:08:32 The Arbiter: “You do know that it was daylight savings time, right?” She freezes as it dawns on her. “We have our own plane. We could get rid of these stupid rules.”
4. 0:08:58 — Bureaucracy. He points out she could abolish it right now. She refuses. She puts it on her agenda for Monday morning, because “It’s not official unless it’s done Monday through Friday between nine to five.” There is a procedure: it goes on an agenda, then the agenda is gone through and the act approved. “Is that how you think I rule this country? No. This plane? No. There is order and process.” The Arbiter: “I guess I’ll just have to defer to your incredible business acumen.”
5. 0:09:45 She realizes they’re not late and smiles, slightly disappointed that she can’t be righteously angry anymore. “Did you bring anyone at least?”
6. 0:10:09 The Arbiter claps. The sound waves visibly ripple through the halls, a portal tears open in time and space, fog rolls out and the champions step through: “Derick Taladin versus Belet Bladesimmer. Or something like that.”

The champions

7. 0:10:48 — Belet. “I am Belet Blesamar of Waterdeep.” She struggles with the word “deathmatch.” The Grandmaster: “It’s warm, like a warm hug from this atmosphere.”
8. 0:11:25 Belet is “the seventh in a long line of nobility,” so her parents “don’t give me shit.” She adventures for treasure instead, and learned to fight “killing evil dragons mostly.”
9. 0:11:56 — Dragons. The Grandmaster asks whether most dragons are evil. Belet says no. Some “have a rough upbringing” and turn to crime or to subjugating the local people, “but there’s other dragons who are pretty nice.”
10. 0:12:33 — Derick. “Hello. Welcome to me, Derick. I don’t know where I am exactly.” The Grandmaster thought the Arbiter had told them they were coming to the Dread Fortress. Arbiter: “I make them sign the release forms. It’s not my fault that they don’t read them.” Derick: “Of course. Now I remember… Right, and we’re fighting.” His weapon: “My lance.”
11. 0:13:11 Derick hails from “the deep holes of space… like black holes and such. I move through space and travel along the rifts on my Spelljammer ship.”
12. 0:13:37 The Arbiter found Derick “in a black hole in space” and Belet “in a dragon’s den.” Belet: it was nice to meet someone who wasn’t trying to kill her. Arbiter: “Trust me, I know exactly the feeling.”
13. 0:14:02 — The terms. The Grandmaster asks them to show their fiercest form, or be sent “back down those black holes or to your family of generations.” Belet’s terms depend on pay. The Grandmaster: “I’ve been told that it’s adequate.” “So we are at least slightly above standards of adequacy.” Derick: “To battle!”

The arena — a battle long lost

14. 0:15:12 The Arbiter cracks his back and knuckles (“Don’t worry, I got this. This is my thing”) and claps the portal open. It is dark and musty, smelling “of old wood and old death.”
15. 0:15:36 — The Grandmaster’s welcome. “Welcome, champions, to a battle long lost.” Old weapons lie on the ground and they may use them. The grounds are ancient, gray and damp, and “this soil has hungered for blood for hundreds of years.” They stand inside a ring where some group made its final stand and lost. The barricade is crushed and beaten, 5–10 feet high in places, made of broken wood, and hard to get out of. Everything is damp and covered with broken bones and wood, “and maybe a few leftover people here and there.”
16. 0:16:50 — Benefits. Belet asks whether they’ll get a tetanus shot, since it’s “very moist in here.” The Grandmaster promises great medical insurance, high coverage and benefits; a retirement fund if you make it out alive; and “a gym membership for the gym around the corner.” Belet: “Oh, don’t worry about gym. You don’t need to know who gym is. You’re already pretty big.”
17. 0:17:25 Derick: “I am quite large in stature… I have been to worse places in the galaxy though. This is not even amongst the top five.” Belet asks about number three. “Maybe later… That is neither here nor there.”
18. 0:17:54 — Mud. Offended that he called the place not intimidating, the Grandmaster throws a handful of mud at Derick. It hits (26) and he eats “four points of dirt, sucker.” It goes straight into his mouth, goopy and tasting like shit. “I got in my pipe!” (Derick, inferred from context). Belet: “maybe if you, you know, stop smoking mud, then you would be able to remember the things that you’re saying.” The Grandmaster declares it a no-smoking zone.
19. 0:18:45 — Doug the pug. The Grandmaster hops onto a piece of wood. A small pug hiding behind her hops out, “a little beaten and worn”, and barks at each champion to tell them to be on their toes.
20. 0:19:11 — The hag’s eye. Belet kneels and pulls a pouch out of her pack. She offers Doug “a hag’s eye,” an oblong eyeball still attached to muscle tissue: “It’s actually really tasty for little pugs. It’s kind of juicy.” Animal handling 22. Doug gobbles it down, dances between her feet and grants her a 1d4 inspiration. Belet: “My character build in prioritizing animal handling is finally paid off… I can’t wait to spread more joy across the universe by kicking ass.”
21. 0:20:44 Derick: “What is this little, so annoying yapping noises?” (“Bodo bodo bodo.”) Animal handling 17: Doug respects that Derick likes his space, because he defends his own. He glares, then runs back to the Grandmaster, who picks him up and flies him into the sky.
22. 0:21:15 — The Acolytes scream from above, “begging to see blood tonight.” There are rock fists in the air and “Doug’s bug [pug?] puppets” waving. The Grandmaster: “give them a fight worthy of remembrance. Let them know your name and that you will not be forgotten.”
23. 0:22:28 The Arbiter spreads his glowing white wings and soars into the dark sky. The champions start on opposite sides of the ring of chariots, about 90 ft apart.
24. 0:23:21 — Initiative. Belet gets 11 and Derick 3. Derick: “Slow and steady wins the race, they say.” Arbiter: “Who says that?” Belet: “Nobody that races says that.”

Round 1

25. 0:24:15 — Javelins. Belet jumps up onto a banister and hurls a javelin across the ring at disadvantage. It hits. The Grandmaster says “I believe in you,” and Belet answers: “Most people, they don’t believe in me and it actually makes me quite sad… You better start believing in me, fucker!” The second javelin also hits (“I believe.” “Stop it!”).
26. 0:25:33 — The splinter. She scrambles over the wreckage toward him and fails an athletics check (11). She takes a splinter to the shin as she slides down. The Grandmaster: “That’s the wound that you’re going to remember. It’s the splinter.” Derick: “It got between the toes.” Belet: “Ah, fate has cursed me again… My squire is going to have a hard time getting that one out.”
27. 0:27:03 — Shala and the Big Nose Club.
    • Belet’s squire is Shala, “People who do not speak my language pronounce his name as Charlie.” He is in the stands wearing a T-shirt with her face on it.
    • She rescued him from “a small town known as Greenest”, which had been “pretty much destroyed.” She told the scrawny kid he could be super buff and fight dragons. He learns sword fighting from her, but mostly shines her armor.
    • She picked him because he has a big nose like hers: “you got to join the big nose club.”
    • Behind Shala, a group of other big-nosed people cheer: the Big Nose Club. “It’s a support group. It’s a movement.” Caustic Phoenix: it has been gaining momentum on social media and holds meetings every Tuesday at 6 p.m. Belet: smaller noses are welcome too, “If you feel like it’s big for you.”
28. 0:28:52 “Oh, that’s right. I’m playing D&D, not just talking shit.” Belet gives Derick “the eyeballs” (intimidation 15). Derick has seen “a few in my time” and gives them right back.
29. 0:29:48 — Derick’s turn. Derick pulls the javelin out of his chest plate. He raises his lance to the sky (“Give me power”) and has already forgotten Belet’s name. Belet: “Do we need a name tag system for this show or something?”
30. 0:30:32 — The teacup. He casts spiritual weapon, which takes the shape of a giant cup of tea: metal, oversized, “decorated with the finest of filigree,” inlaid platinum. Mudcat has no teacup token and uses a hammer.
31. 0:31:39 — Spill the tea. Belet invents a rule: “If you’re gonna attack me with a teacup, you have to spill some tea about you.” The Grandmaster upholds it (“Everyone knows that rule,” says the Arbiter). Derick has no tea: “I left my tea on the ship. I figured I’d be back before brunch.” The Grandmaster: “If you live, you will be.”
32. 0:32:27 Instead she asks his favorite color. “Bronze, of course.” The Grandmaster: “Ugh, okay, yeah, that’s disgusting.” Belet: “Bronze, third place color?” The Grandmaster: “you’re not winning tonight.” Derick: “We will regret those words.”
33. 0:32:56 “Spiritual weapon, ho!” The teacup misses. Derick clears the barricade (athletics 17).
34. 0:33:40 — The javelin returned. He takes the javelin that hit him, still soaked in his own blood, flourishes it (“whatever one and a half is” of a 360), and throws it. It’s a critical hit. Belet staggers: “oh, I’m going to need to look at that healthcare pamphlet pretty soon.”
35. 0:35:03 Derick bangs his lance against his shield to intimidate. It has “the worst cadence” (8 vs Belet’s 19 insight). The Grandmaster: “Do you have no rhythm?” Derick: “Come at me, madam.” Belet compares it to an old man trying to fit in with “the newest bop… hello my fellow kids.” This sets off a “bop” argument: is it still a word, and is the Grandmaster old? Derick sides with the Grandmaster: “I still say bop.”
36. 0:36:32 End of round: the Arbiter’s d20 is a 4. Doug rolls his own plushy D20 for a 9, making 13. The Acolytes grant both champions a hero point (“drink that energy drink… find something to eat… re-roll that terrible roll”).

Round 2 — the wagon

37. 0:37:46 Belet tosses the javelin aside. It is fine craftsmanship, “probably from the family plates [?]… Waterdeep,” with a special family inscription.
38. 0:38:30 — “Suck my wagon!” She spends her hero point on a pushing attack against a wagon. The Grandmaster offers a choice: push it into him, or flip it on top of him? “We’ll do the second one.” Belet charges through the mud, squats deep and flips the heavy wagon over onto Derick (strength 24). “Suck my wagon!” Derick: “Dear heavens!” He passes the strength save, so he isn’t knocked prone. He ends up holding the wagon up on his shoulders, trapped underneath.
39. 0:41:02 Belet vaults on top of the wagon and makes a lunging attack down through it, but misses. He can’t be seen and gets +1 AC for the cover. Belet: “Hey, quit moving.” Derick: “You’re quite heavy on top of this thing.” “Just doing my job.” The Grandmaster: “It’s all for the health benefits.”
40. 0:42:16 Derick moves the teacup and it hits for minimal damage (“Ow! It wasn’t really an ow”). “I told you before the game, this is how it happens.” Belet: “Got creaky bones.”
41. 0:43:40 — The trunk. The Grandmaster clarifies for the Acolytes that Derick is a hippo. Derick rips off his trunk, which turns out to have been held on with glue. The Grandmaster: “Are you no longer part of the big nose club?” Derick: “I have an even larger nose now.” Belet: “That was despicable. I can’t believe you would mock me and my people like that.” A section of the crowd gasps in horror and covers their noses. Children scream (“Not the nose!”) and mothers cover their children’s eyes.
42. 0:44:41 Derick casts prayer of healing on himself. Belet uses Mage Slayer and stabs down at him through the wagon (“Stop speaking those magic words”), but misses. He heals 19.
43. 0:46:18 — Nat 1. Derick tries to shake the cart and break it apart through the stab hole so Belet falls next to him. He rolls a nat 1. Belet: “I can hear your back breaking down there.” Derick: “The construction of this vehicle was much more than I expected.” His knees buckle and he nearly goes prone. While he holds the wagon he has disadvantage on weapon attacks.
44. 0:47:59 With a “dirty 20” athletics check he gets out from under it and moves around behind Belet.
45. 0:49:13 The Arbiter’s end-of-round roll is 16: “Suck it, Doug.” The Grandmaster: “And Doug is sucking on a bone right now.”

Round 3 — the Box of Chaos

46. 0:49:39 The Acolytes, and the Nose Club in particular, beg Belet to redeem their glory. To their “nasally chants” she “does the presentation.”
47. 0:50:14 — The Box arrives. The Acolytes demand more chaos, and the Arbiter snaps his fingers. The Box of Chaos slams down from the sky into the wagon, breaking pieces off. Its lid flips open and pink and purple flames shoot up in a column with no heat: magical fire. Shadowy fingers creep over the rim, and Gerald pokes his yellow eyes out. Derick: “It seems they have sent us a care packet of sorts.” Belet: “I hope it’s organic trade or fair trade.”
48. 0:51:35 — The coupons. Belet offers Gerald coupons for shows back in Waterdeep: three VIP coupons for musicals, plus-ones included (“I just know people… normally I go, but… I’m across the galaxy fighting people in the arena”). Gerald asks whether they ever do Les Mis. Belet: “That’s the one where… the people are kind of fighting for… labor rights?” Derick: “Yeah, with Jean Valjean.” Belet says her family wouldn’t approve because they’re “very like bourgeois. You know, I am a noble.” Gerald: “I’ll have to check it out.” The Grandmaster: “I can’t believe you offered him a coupon book… Gerald will get some time off.” Belet: “I can’t believe you’re so against the laborers who work so hard to bring this show to light” (aimed at the Grandmaster, inferred).
49. 0:53:40 — Potion of storm giant strength. Gerald floats a small vial to her. The moment she touches it she knows: a potion of storm giant strength. She chugs it, and her Strength becomes 29 for the next hour. Belet: “this almost feels like abuse… now he’s really fucked.” The Arbiter: “Don’t worry, you can use the box too. If you’re not dead from being pummeled by it.”
50. 0:55:04 — The feint. “Hey, well, now I’m over here. Now I’m over here.” Belet feints with her shoulders and arms (“It’s all in the head”) and hits hard. On the second swing she says, “I feel really bad about this because this is like picking on an old man.” Derick knocks her blade away with his lance. She uses second wind: “Oh, I’m a little tired, you know?” The Grandmaster: “the wind just captures it in the right way and your hair blows a little bit back. Pose.”
51. 0:57:35 Derick: “Looks will only get you so far, madam.” He goes to the box himself.
52. 0:57:50 — The pipe weed. Derick offers Gerald a half pound of pipe weed “gathered on the planet far, far from here. The oxygen levels there were quite high… it takes quite a little bit to go a long way.” Gerald snatches it. Belet: “You’re telling me you smoke weed and you’re against labor rights? What the fuck?” From inside the box: “I’m a complicated guy.”
53. 0:58:54 — The blunderbuss. He rolls a 2 on the d100 (“I roll low even on the 100s… It’s unfortunate I don’t have divine intervention prep”). The Arbiter asks what weapon he pictures himself holding: “A blunderbuss.” Belet: “You’re gonna give a blunderbuss to this high hippo?”
54. 0:59:39 The lid flips open again and no fire comes out, just a rolling billow of smoke. Gerald’s once-yellow eyes are bloodshot red. He sways back and forth holding a giant blunderbuss, tilts back, pulls the trigger by accident, and the shot goes right past Derick’s head. It is a +3 blunderbuss that uses Derick’s Wisdom. (“That’s surprising. No offense.” “I’m a cleric.”)
55. 1:01:25 — Off to Les Mis. The smoke is so thick it lifts the Box of Chaos up and out of the battlefield, “not to be seen again until he comes down from that very high place. Off to Les Mis!” Belet: “Be free. Embrace your dreams. I dream to dream of time gone by. Let me know how you like the show.” The Grandmaster: he’ll come back with a souvenir drink cup, a T-shirt and a flag.
56. 1:02:28 — Smashing the teacup. Derick smashes Belet with the floating teacup. Belet: “Normally, you have the T before you smash.” It does minimum damage again: “I am toying with my food at this point… That’s my 1,000 cuts.” The Grandmaster: “Might take more like 3,000 for you.”
57. 1:03:55 He spends his entire pool of Lay on Hands on himself: 25 healing. “You can’t take that away from me! Dammit, dice!” Then: “This blunderbuss better fucking work!”
58. 1:04:54 — The Arbiter’s nat 1. The Arbiter’s end-of-round roll is a nat 1. The Grandmaster: “Consequences will be had. Many, many consequences.” Arbiter: “Suck my consequences.” Belet: “Are we free to go? Is this canceled?” The Grandmaster: “We’re going to pretend nothing happened… You all saw nothing.” The Arbiter: “I cast modify memory on everyone in the crowd.” Break (cut).

Round 4 — the chaos event

59. 1:06:25 The Acolytes summon a chaos event. Derick rolls a d20 and doubles it (“If there’s anything Derrick can do, it’s math”): 24. Both champions feel a strange sensation start at their toes and creep up to their fingers. All their muscles flex at once, then release. Derick: “Oh, it’s the arthritis again.”
60. 1:07:36 — Sweep the leg. “Following the words of the immortal sensei of Cobra Kai,” Belet ducks and makes a trip attack. It would hit (29), but her body betrays her (“stop hitting yourself”) and she sweeps her own leg, taking all the damage herself. She lands tailbone-first in the mud, and a light green magical dust shakes off her as she regains control. Belet: “I may be old, but I’m not a bumbling fool.” Derick: “Look at yourself.” Arbiter: “Welcome to the arena.”
61. 1:09:17 “Well, that was very embarrassing and a complete waste of my superiority die.” She tries the trip again with her last die (“Are you practicing on yourself?”). This time it lands and Derick is knocked prone.
62. 1:10:26 — The Arbiter intervenes. Belet action-surges, “offended that this arena… lets me harm an old man for this long. This is just cruel.” Arbiter: “This is cruel and inhumane. You’re absolutely right. This is pathetic.” He points a finger at Derick and forms a magical barrier around him. Derick’s body glows, and his AC rises by two. The Grandmaster: “Get up and fight! It’s because hippos are endangered.” Belet: “All of your proceeds while I’m kicking this hippo’s ass go to endangered wildlife across the galaxy.”
63. 1:12:02 Derick’s reaction is to scream in pain. Performance check: loud, but not enough to stop her. Both action-surge swings land. Belet: “you must have gotten off at the wrong bus stop or something, old man.” The Grandmaster asks whether he has lookalike cousins they meant to pick up instead. The Arbiter asks whether he has “a younger, stronger son.” Belet: “Did you steal your… grandfather’s battlements? The future is now, old man.”
64. 1:13:34 Derick: “I must admit, it’s been a while since I’ve one-on-one combated like such, but I’ve still got some breath in me.” Arbiter: “Barely.”
65. 1:13:53 — The dried apples. Derick spends his hero point scrounging in the cart. Investigation 6 finds three measly dried apples. They heal 11 as he scoops them through the mud into his mouth one by one, lying on his back. Belet: “Of course the old guy who got lost on the way to bingo is terrible at investigation.” “I lost my monocle!” (Derick, inferred).
66. 1:15:21 — The blunderbuss. He rolls onto his back: “Call the city guard, but not for me!” and fires. The shots are explosive.
    • Shot 1: hits. Belet uses Indomitable to reroll the Dex save and passes (“Quick like cat”), so only the regular damage lands.
    • Shot 2: hits. Belet fails, and the round explodes. The Arbiter: “Wow! Shut your mouth! I’m proud of you.”
    • Astral Spark: Derick adds force damage with it, “a part of my being a hippo… attuned to being like cool.”
    • Shot 3: as a war priest he fires a third time as a bonus action. It hits and explodes. Belet: “Starting to feel like the chaos gods may have overcorrected by giving this person the minigun.”
67. 1:20:07 The Grandmaster: “At least health-wise, you both are looking like twins.” Everyone is bloodied. Derick realizes he forgot his Piercer bonus on his earlier crit (“Rip the dream”). He stands up out of the mud. The Grandmaster: “as a hippo, you are used to being in the mud.”
68. 1:20:54 — Sad Doug. The Arbiter rolls 18. All round Doug has been whimpering at the edge of the throne. On the Arbiter’s nat 1, Doug’s plush D20 fell into the mud on the far side of the wagon, by the rotten apples, and he can’t reach it.

Round 5 — the end of Derick

69. 1:21:53 Belet: “This is looking like it’s gonna be it either way… I think that perhaps you should take a gun safety course.” Her first swing misses.
70. 1:22:16 — The forgotten teacup. Derick points out his spiritual weapon could still attack. Ruling: a coin flip decides whether his character remembers it. He calls heads and loses. Arbiter: “Alzheimer’s is kicking in.”
71. 1:23:19 Belet uses Doug’s 1d4 inspiration (“see if I hit this fucker. I’m sorry, Derick”), but the Arbiter’s +2 AC stops her: “Because we’ve rigged the election. Remember to vote, kids out there.”
72. 1:23:41 — The killing blow. Derick: “Calm down, calm down.” Belet: “I will be plenty calm when you just respect people’s right to a fair living wage.” Derick: “Oh, come on now!” Her swing lands for the kill. She makes a frustrated sound (“She’s French. She just makes weird noises sometimes”). Derick’s last word, as heard: “Parallel.” [?]
73. 1:24:54 — The pamphlet. Belet leans over and tucks an AARP pamphlet into his shirt pocket. With his last breath he takes it out and rips it.
74. 1:25:08 — Last thoughts. The Arbiter asks what is spinning in “that old noodle.” Derick: “I shouldn’t have taken my brother’s armor. He was much better at this than I was.” The brother’s name is Larry. The Arbiter: “Strong name.” The Grandmaster: “It’s a family name.” Derick: “We call them lighter [?]… He was a fighter.”
75. 1:25:50 — Hippo steaks. The Grandmaster hops down, and Doug follows after picking up his plush D20. “Everyone, hold a drink up for the old hippo. For the blood that was shed in the hippo steaks that we will eat tonight.” Belet: “You’re cannibals?” Derick, with one last breath: “Huh? What?” The Grandmaster pushes his face into the mud and walks it back: “We’re not actually going to eat Derick.” Instead there will be little hippo-shaped cookies “in remembrance of” him, with tea. “Always remember Derick.” Arbiter: “Once you get that first taste, it’s addictive.” Dan compares them to “the little German hippo chocolate things.” She pushes his face further into the dirt.
76. 1:27:16 — Victory. “Congratulations, my champion. Take my hand.” Belet: “You’re not going to try to eat me, right?” The Grandmaster flies her up to eye level with the Acolytes. Her squire and the Nose Club have taken their shirts off and wave them over their heads (“this is a PG-13 event”). “Free nipples all over in that section… let them be.” 1:28:04 “Welcome and goodnight to D20 Deathmatch.”

Full Dried Blood notes (click to expand)

Lore drop (tone between in- and out-of-character; flagged):

• 1:35:25 Mudcat: “At the Dread Fortress, we do have several unions. We have a chinchillas union. There’s a goblin union. There may be one other union… we’re a pro union at the Dread Fortress.” Caustic Phoenix adds that the unions “are healthy and advocate for their individuals. So that’s why we have so many good benefits.” Mudcat: “The leader of the chinchilla union is kind of a dick though.”
• 1:34:27 Caustic Phoenix, continuing the PTO joke about Gerald: “we do have a great PTO program, so Belet, you will get advantage of that”:
  • at least three extra days each week;
  • an extra-long weekend once a month;
  • a required two weeks off at some point in the year.
  • Friday: “I should hope that I would get two weeks off after getting shot in the fucking gut.” Caustic Phoenix: “You still have that splinter too.”

Creator notes (out-of-character):

• Friday: fighters don’t scale without magic items, and D&D is “totally not balanced for a PvP.” She likes improvising with the environment, and generally doesn’t play casters.
• Mudcat: flipping the cart was brilliant, “we haven’t had a hero point to flip a cart onto an old man yet so that’s a first for the show.”
• Dan: Derick was purely reactive. He burned prayer of healing and all his Lay on Hands in two rounds, and the gun was “one last grand hurrah.” He forgot to add +3 to the blunderbuss damage. He blew his early nat 20 on a ranged attack, so he couldn’t smite.
• Mudcat: the show plays at level 10 and very non-traditionally to stay balanced. “You have a plan and it just goes out the fucking window.”
• Mudcat on the storm giant potion: “I didn’t give shit… Gerald gave… I honored the dice.”
• Dan pictured the blunderbuss like the three-barrel World of Warcraft one.
• Dan meant to play the heel. Derick was capitalism against Belet’s unionizing; he wanted Derick to be rich and hated, and to want to kick the dog. Mudcat: “It’s hard to play the heel when you’re just getting the [crap] kicked out of you.”
• Caustic Phoenix: “I like that Belet’s character comes from a rich background but only offered coupons.” Friday: “I’m the rebel rich kid.”
• Final words. Dan: “I’m the nat one guy… if you roll a one in real life, know that there’s some way… you can turn it around.” Friday: “if you want to DM, you should try DMing.”