× Wounded Warrior Project, Capture the Flag charity crossover

The Arbiter and the Grandmaster brought the arena to Wounded Warrior Project for a charity game of Capture the Flag. Six champions split into two teams and raced through a gauntlet inside The Dread Fortress, while the Acolytes paid to help or hurt them. Then the teams were thrown together in a fight to the death. The gauntlet involved a pixie, a centaur who smelled so bad you could feel it, a vengeful mammoth, a rabbit with a shovel, and a duck from hell who pooped wherever he pleased, and it ended with the duck alone and rolling happily in the grass.

The Story

Old Men and Camera Crews

The Arbiter opened the show “a little lightheaded” from standing up too fast. “I’m not as spry as I used to be. I’m not a young man anymore,” he said, and the Grandmaster agreed without hesitation: “You are definitely not. You are old.” The two explained that a camera crew follows them everywhere, “like the Office,” because, as the Grandmaster put it, “when you’re the ruler of a world, you kind of have to make sure that everything you say is heard.”

The format was a gauntlet that would turn into a free-for-all, and the Acolytes’ donations would shape it. They could buy a chinchilla’s kiss to heal a champion or a chinchilla kick to hurt one. The Arbiter noted that the chinchillas were “trained by the Chuck Norris,” who was not actually Chuck Norris but “just a guy who calls himself the Chuck Norris in the parking lot.” Bigger sums bought blessings and curses, a drop from The Box of Chaos, or a boss fight. One hundred dollars would “turn Thea into some sort of mini boss.” The Arbiter added: “She hasn’t said that she wants to do that, but she works for us, so that’s fine.”

The Champions Arrive

The champions stepped into a castle hall piled high with food. Solid came first, a Yuan-ti “well-trained in close quarters combat,” calling out “Otacon. Otacon.” to someone who never answered. He was missing an eye and wore his glasses over his eye patch. Grog the Malodorous, a seven-foot centaur with a bionic leg, announced that “nobody’s got a chance” and then asked where he was. He turned down the shower down the hall (“A little zest in your life”), and when his tunic rode up, his “natural essence” made eyes water for a good distance around him. Beans the Terrible, a two-foot pixie, refused the high chair the Grandmaster offered him and arrived with a line of dancing pixies. He said the smell “Smells like glorious purpose.”

The other side was just as strange. Pyxis, a gentle armored mammoth, said he was hunting the people who had killed his loved ones: “a little fairy, a strange centaur person, and a cobra of some kind.” With those three champions already in the room, the Grandmaster said, “What are the odds?” Dave the Doom Duck fluttered up out of a portal that had perhaps been “ripped open from the hells below.” As it closed, hell cheered to be rid of him. He had draconic wings and a gaze nobody should meet, and when the Grandmaster asked whether he pooped wherever he liked, the answer was:

“That’s his birthright. This land is his. This world and all others connected to it is his. It is his own toilet.”

Last came Perry, a small rabbit in a giant glowing wizard’s hat that leaked fireflies. The Arbiter opened an “unnecessarily huge… showy portal” for him by slamming his arms and wings together hard enough to ripple time and space. Perry tumbled out and fetched his shovel: “I have a shovel and I am here to cause mayhem.” He refused to use it to clean up the duck’s poop, and later, when he took off his hat, the Grandmaster said, “Perry might have my heart on this one.” Beans, Grog and Solid formed one team, and Pyxis, Dave and Perry formed the other. The Arbiter bet on the duck.

The Kitchen

The first room had no roof. Above it, a floating grandstand of Acolytes chanted “Beans!” and spilled beer. Each team had to make all the food disappear, and the Arbiter said the crowd had come “to watch a duck eat.”

Beans shrank his team’s feast and fed it to Grog while his pixies formed a cheerleading dance line behind him. Grog loved it: “I don’t know who this is, but I like his style. I love food.” Solid mourned the fried turkey and taunted the other team through the wall. Pyxis heard him and recognized “the voice I heard on a very horrible day long ago.”

On the other side, Pyxis lay down on the table and let Perry shovel the food onto him. Dave chucked food in with a spectral hand shaped like a duck’s head. Then Pyxis turned himself invisible, so the meal vanished with him.

The Chinchillas’ Room

Next came a room of sleeping chinchillas, each cuddling a kitchen knife like a stuffed animal. Solid crept through it silently, even after a paid kick to the shins. Grog was the problem. His belly was full and the shrinking had worn off, so every step let out a fart. “I want to cast reflect missiles at those farts,” Solid said. The chinchillas woke “with murder in their eyes” and stabbed all three champions while a chinchilla in a hard hat smoked in the corner and someone yelled “Get them, boys!” Then they crawled back into bed, still glaring. Beans told them, “I hope you have nightmares.”

Dave took the opposite approach. He strolled in with total confidence, looked the waking chinchillas in the eye and put them all back to sleep. He then pooped in front of every bed, exactly where a chinchilla would step. The invisible Pyxis followed behind him and quietly cleaned it all up, “because he wants to keep it clean for the chinchillas.” Pyxis missed one spot. A sleepless chinchilla up for hot milk stepped in the poop and stabbed Dave in the butt. Dave flared with hellfire and chanted “Don’t hurt the chinchillas” three times, then left one last massive poop at the door: “Clean that up!”

The Alchemy Room

Each team found red, green and blue vials and a riddle about pouring and drinking. Perry sensed which vials were bad, mixed red and green, drank the blue, and opened the flaming portal. Pyxis had been watching invisibly while Dave was busy pooping, so he copied Perry and slipped through after him: “You didn’t see me… I’m right behind you, buddy.” Dave was left behind. He tried to intimidate the vials, sat on a throne-like chair, and only then spotted the answer on a sticky note under an upturned skull. “Ah, it’s good to be a duck.”

Team A did worse. Solid briefly turned into a frog. Beans burned off his eyebrows, then angrily kicked the one chest without any dust on it. It was a mimic, and it bit him hard. “Suffering Succotash, that really hurt!” he cried, and chased it off with a blade of fire.

Thea, the Abyss Devourer

Then Pyxis himself paid for a mini-boss. He did not seem to realize it would hit both teams. A portal sucked everyone into a cave split by a chasm, and Thea, a tiny pink imp in boxing gloves, zoomed in ready to fight. The Arbiter wanted her “true form” instead. What rose from the crevice was tiny at first (“It’s a grower, not a shower!”), and then it was a gargantuan purple worm with rotating rings of teeth: “I am Thea! I am the Abyss Devourer!”

Grog landed a perfect hammer blow. Thea told him “You smell awful, but I bet you taste great,” but when his stench reached her taste buds she turned away. One of her tongues missed Beans, struck a stalagmite and split in half, and Beans comforted her: “It’s just misunderstood.” Perry’s fireflies lit up friend and foe alike (“They have a mind of their own”). Dave, offering the worm “some roast dinner,” raised a ring of hellfire around Team A and waddled off, sure the worm wouldn’t touch him. Beans answered with a wall of fire around Team B (“I like roasted duck”), and those flames finished off Thea, who slid back into the ravine. She was resurrected afterward, and by the break the incentives were calling her “Thea the Imp” again.

The Box Falls

An Acolyte’s donation sent the Box of Chaos streaking down “like a comet” to land by a well on the Dread Fortress grounds. The Arbiter explained that the champions must make a sacrifice to it. “It’s all legalese,” he said. Beans asked, “What’s a lawyer?” and Solid answered, “I believe it’s something like a demon.”

Beans named his pixies the Bee Gees (“because we’re the bee’s knees”), took on a glowing starry form, and flew over the river where the bridge was missing. He talked at the Box until it gave him a Vorpal Sword, “just so you stop talking to me.” Grog forded the rapids, traded away his war hammer, and got a Trident of Fish Command: “I don’t even like fish.” Solid picked the Box up and kicked it over the twenty-foot trees for a “10 out of 10 across the board” from the Grandmaster. The Arbiter, “just because I want to be a little evil,” dropped it on Beans and Grog.

Everyone for Themselves

“Do we just let them kill each other now?” the Arbiter asked. “Yes,” said the Grandmaster, and she shrank the trees to shrubs. Perry hopped onto the Box and decided Beans should go inside it. After a roll-off, with the whole table chanting, Perry’s natural 20 sent his swarm slamming Beans into the Box. Beans came out wearing a Hat of Vermin, and Perry drank a potion of giant strength. Pyxis bathed the field in moonbeams.

Dave rose in hellfire and tried to banish four champions at once, his own teammate Perry included. He named them “minion one, minion two, that green guy and the horse.” (“I’m a dang centaur,” Grog protested.) Solid’s natural 20 led a clean sweep of saves, but the Grandmaster was pleased with Dave’s creativity and blessed him. She also declared that from then on every wound would cut twice as deep. Beans promptly hit Pyxis with a radiant bolt so huge the Grandmaster yelled “Don’t piss off the fairy!”

The Last Duck Standing

Grog turned on Perry (“We’re going crazy”) and killed him. With his last swing, Perry took Beans down with him. Beans faded saying “I love you all,” and the two were left struggling “in eternity on this ground.”

Solid then punched Dave into the river. “I’m a duck! I’m a freaking duck!… Water hurts!” Dave squawked, and a passing rock clobbered him. Pyxis flew up, grabbed Solid’s head in midair and dropped him. Dave crawled out, pointed his butt at Pyxis and launched a lava-like fireball out of it, a “flaming turd” in the Grandmaster’s words. Solid backflipped clear of it, but Pyxis took the full blast. Dying, Pyxis prayed to Selûne. Day turned to night, and moonlight guided him down onto Solid’s head. Pyxis poked out Solid’s last good eye, the fall killed Solid, and Pyxis died with him. Solid’s final confession was “yeah i did kill your family that’s it.”

Only Grog and the duck remained. Grog threw his trident, then the Vorpal Sword, and left Dave “a little on the shish kabob side” with half-ruined wings. Dave rose “just unholy” into the sky: “Oh, you gave me hell. Let me send you to it myself.” A second butt-fireball burned Grog to ashes. Dave rolled in the grass shouting “I win! I win! Take that, Satan!” while the trees caught fire as if to celebrate. The Grandmaster gathered the living and the dead and told them to “never give up, even till your dying breath,” then named Dave the winner. He had captured the flag.

Notable Moments

• The invisible Pyxis followed Dave through the chinchillas’ room, wiping up all but one of the poops he left for them.
• Grog’s stench was so bad that a giant worm decided not to eat him.
• Solid kicked the Box of Chaos over the trees, and the Arbiter dropped it on Solid’s own teammates.
• Dave tried to banish four champions at once, including his own teammate, and got blessed for it.
• Dying in a flaming fireball, Pyxis was lifted by moonlight to poke out Solid’s last eye.
• A duck from hell won by launching fireballs out of his butt.

Memorable Quotes

• The Grandmaster: “It’s a smell that you can feel. That is something I never wanted in my life.”
• The Arbiter: “That’s why we have Thea. I don’t have to do that anymore.”
• Perry: “I have a shovel and I am here to cause mayhem.”
• Thea: “I am Thea! I am the Abyss Devourer!”
• Grog the Malodorous: “I taste like a smell.”
• The Box of Chaos: “I’m gonna give you something, but just so you stop talking to me.”
• Dave the Doom Duck: “Hey, this is an all-out Deathmatch.”
• Dave the Doom Duck: “They kicked me out of hell. I’ll make a new hell.”

Who and What Appears

Characters

Dave the Doom Duck (KP). Winner.

• Origin: a hellish duck who came through a portal from “the hells below.” Hell cheered to be rid of him; later he says “they kicked me out of hell. I’ll make a new hell.”
• Appearance: too scaly, with draconic wings (damaged in the final fight). Looking him in the eye brings madness and rage.
• Habits: speaks Abyssal and quacks. He poops anywhere as “his birthright”; the world “is his own toilet.” He fires fireballs from his butt after eating “spicy stuff.” He never learns the other champions’ names (“minion one, minion two”). Hates water despite being a waterfowl.
• Powers: a draconic sorcerer (sleep, Mage Hand shaped like duck heads, Wall of Fire, Banishment twinned twice, Fireball). Fire resistance from draconic resilience.
• In this episode: stabbed in the butt by a chinchilla. Threatened “Don’t hurt the chinchillas.” Abandoned in the alchemy room by his team; found the sticky-note answer. Tried to banish both opponents and his own teammate Perry. The Grandmaster blessed him for creativity.

Grog the Malodorous (JJ). A 7’3” centaur (“part horse”).

• Body and gear: a bionic leg and a “chassis” deep inside (inferred to be part-mechanical from 1:19:05 and 1:20:03). Started with a war hammer, traded it to the Box of Chaos for a Trident of Fish Command (“I don’t even like fish”). Paladin smites.
• The smell: his “natural essence” makes eyes water and can be felt; he loves it. His farts woke the chinchillas, and the worm Thea refused to eat him because of the taste.
• Personality: loves food, can’t count or read (“How many is three?”), likes singing, hates riddles.
• In this episode: killed Perry; killed by Dave’s fireball. Dying, he wanted to “meet my friend Beans.”

Beans the Terrible (North Wolf). A 2’4” pixie / fairy with kaleidoscope wings and a troupe of dancing pixies, his “swarm.”

• Personality: speaks in “Precious”-style phrases (“Suffering Succotash”, “Jumping Jellybeans”). Endlessly chatty and kind: he complimented and comforted the worm Thea. Hates fire.
• Powers: Circle of the Stars druid (starry form, a Sailor Moon-style transformation). Guidance, Cosmic Omen, Flame Blade, Wall of Fire, Moonbeam, Guiding Bolt (shrink on food).
• In this episode:
  • Named his pixies “the Bee Gees.”
  • Lost his eyebrows to a vial. Was bitten by a mimic.
  • Got a shadow-made Vorpal Sword from the Box (“just so you stop talking to me”), then was shoved into the Box by Perry’s swarm and came out with a Hat of Vermin.
  • Hit Pyxis for 72. Killed by Perry’s dying shovel blow; died struggling with Perry “in eternity.”

Solid (Dan / Nat1Fun). A 5’6” Yuan-ti, “well-trained in close quarters combat,” “all about espionage.”

• Appearance: missing an eye; wears an eye patch with glasses over it. Fangs. “Green guy” / “cobra” / “old snake.”
• Abilities: monk (flurry of blows, Step of the Wind, Open Hand, Evasion, Slow Fall, stunning strike). Advantage on saves against magic.
• Background: calls out to “Otacon” on arrival. Admits he killed Pyxis’s family; Pyxis says he took Solid’s eye “last time.”
• In this episode: turned briefly into a frog. Kicked the Box of Chaos over the trees onto his own teammates. Knocked Dave into the river. Killed when Pyxis, guided by Selûne, poked out his last eye and fell on him.

Pyxis (Anthony Joyce Rivera). A 9’5” “huge bulky mammoth” (“a little small for my height”) in armor, with a war hammer. Called “this robot friend” by Solid at 2:52:35.

• Personality: gentle and polite (“dears,” “sweetie”).
• His quest: came to the Void for revenge on a little fairy, a strange centaur and a cobra who killed his loved ones (his taller siblings). He recognized Solid’s voice from “a very horrible day long ago” and took Solid’s eye once before.
• Powers: a cleric of Selûne. Greater invisibility, Moonbeam, Steps of Night, Inflict Wounds, Divine Intervention.
• In this episode: ate the food invisibly. Wiped up Dave’s poop for the chinchillas. Donated the $100 that unleashed Thea. Ditched Dave in the alchemy room. Killed Solid with Selûne’s help while dying in Dave’s fireball.

Perry (Keon). About 3’5” plus 4-ft ears, a rabbit (“this little bitty rabbit”) with black and white hair, a giant wizard’s hat that glows blue underneath and leaks fireflies, and a straw in his mouth.

• Carries a shovel he won’t “disrespect” by cleaning poop. Power-Ranger-tumbled out of the Arbiter’s portal.
• Powers: a Swarmkeeper with a firefly swarm. Faerie fire, Detect Poison and Disease, rabbit hop.
• In this episode: solved the vial puzzle first (drink blue, mix red and green). Drank a potion of giant strength from the Box. Shoved Beans into the Box. Killed by Grog; killed Beans with his last swing.

Thea (Caustic Phoenix). The Arbiter and Grandmaster’s helper: “she works for us,” and she’s the one who cleans up.

• A tiny pink imp with frantic wings and a tail, boxing gloves and a steak knife.
• The Arbiter transformed her into her “true form”: a giant purple worm, “the Abyss Devourer,” with multiple tongues and rotating layered teeth. Gargantuan, 30–40 ft.
• Turned away from eating Grog because of his taste. Split one tongue on a stalagmite.
• Killed by Beans’s Wall of Fire and slid back into the ravine. Later called “Thea the Imp” again (1:52:14).

The Arbiter (Mudcat).

• “Not a young man anymore.”
• Opened Perry’s portal by slamming his wings together, rippling time and space.
• Bet on Dave. Claims to have battled ducks “more times than you would believe.” Doesn’t clean up poop anymore because of Thea.
• Transformed Thea. Called for the free-for-all.

Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer (Caustic Phoenix).

• 10 feet tall, “the tallest person in this room.” Not fluent in duck, with duck on her Duolingo. Always asks champions about their bowels.
• Favored Perry and Team A. Gave Dave Bless. Shrank the trees to shrubbery. Ruled double damage.
• “Ruler of a world.”

The Box of Chaos (Mudcat). A chest with shadowy fingers and two yellow eyes.

• Demands something before it gives something, and wants “a sacrifice.”
• Fell from the sky like a comet in pink and yellow flames.
• Gave out a Vorpal Sword, a Trident of Fish Command, a Hat of Vermin and a potion of giant strength. Rule: one item per champion.
• Complained when picked up (speaker uncertain).

The chinchillas of the Dread Fortress.

• They sleep cuddling kitchen and steak knives and kick shins.
• One wears a hard hat and smokes (“Get them, boys!”). One gets up at night for hot milk.

Other figures:

• The mimic: the dustless chest in Team A’s alchemy room.
• The camera crew / documentarians: they follow the Grandmaster and Arbiter “all the time.”
• “The Chuck Norris”: a parking-lot guy who trains chinchillas to kick.
• Selûne: Pyxis’s moon goddess; she answered his prayer by turning day to night.
• Otacon: someone Solid tries to contact on arrival.
• Donating Acolytes: Joss/Jess/Just Baker, Great To Be A Gator, M. Walker Hall, Hoopla Chick (Texas), Dolly and Hoopla, Anonymous.

Places

• The Dread Fortress Castle (phase one):
  • a hall with champion tables laden with food (the kitchen), open to the sky under the floating grandstand;
  • the sleeping chinchillas’ room;
  • the alchemy room: three tables of RGB vials, books, chests (one a mimic), a throne-like chair, an end table with a skull, and a stone portal with pink and yellow flames.
  • The Dread Fortress has a shower down the hall.
• The mini-boss cave: a large cave split by a chasm, with stalagmites.
• The Dread Fortress grounds (phase two): a worn path; a torrential river full of rocks and rapids with its bridge missing; a 20-ft tree barrier, lowered to 5-ft shrubs; a well that looks like a toilet.
• Hell, Dave’s place of origin, with “rivers of lava.”

Items

• The Vorpal Sword (purple, shadow-made)
• The Trident of Fish Command
• The Hat of Vermin
• The potion of frost giant strength
• Grog’s war hammer (given to the Box)
• Perry’s shovel
• Thea’s boxing gloves and steak knife
• The puzzle note and sticky note
• The intercom
• The Acolytes’ jumbotron

Lore statements

• The Arbiter can transform Thea from an imp into her “true form,” a giant purple worm.
• The roof of the Dread Fortress hall opened onto the Acolytes’ floating grandstand.
• Acolyte donations act in-world as chinchilla kicks and kisses, advantages, curses, mini-bosses and Box of Chaos drops.
• Champions can carry grudges from before the arena (Pyxis and Solid).

Full Round-by-Round

Every beat of the episode, with timestamps (click to expand)

Opening: the Grandmaster and the Arbiter

1. 0:00:04 “Welcome to D20 Deathmatch!” (speaker uncertain). 0:00:17 The Grandmaster welcomes the Acolytes: “We are bringing the arena here to you all over at Wounded Warrior Project.”
2. 0:00:28 The Arbiter is “a little lightheaded”. He stood up too fast: “I’m not as spry as I used to be. I’m not a young man anymore.” The Grandmaster: “You are definitely not. You are old.”
3. 0:00:42 The format is Capture the Flag. The Arbiter asks the Grandmaster to turn her mic up, which leads to a gag: a camera crew follows the Grandmaster and Arbiter around all the time, “like the Office.” The Grandmaster: “when you’re the ruler of a world, you kind of have to make sure that everything you say is heard.” The Arbiter: “Every documentarian is interested in what we’re doing here.”
4. 0:01:27 The structure is a gauntlet that turns into a PvP match, with six champions. The Acolytes can donate to help or hurt them.
5. 0:02:01 — The Arbiter’s incentives.
   • Good side: $10fora\ast \ast chinchill{a}^{\prime }skiss\ast \ast (aheal),$30 for a Warrior’s Advantage, $75foran\ast \ast Acolyte{s}^{\prime }Blessing\ast \ast (luck),and$300 for a Box of Chaos magic item.
   • Evil side: $15 for a chinchilla kick (2 damage). The chinchillas “are excellent kickers… trained by the Chuck Norris. That’s not actually Chuck Norris. That’s just a guy who calls himself the Chuck Norris in the parking lot.”
   • $45 for the Acolytes’ Curse (disadvantage).
   • $100 and “we will turn Thea into some sort of mini boss… She hasn’t said that she wants to do that, but she works for us, so that’s fine.”
   • $500 drops a boss: “that might be the whole show of you fighting boss after boss.”

Champion entrances (a castle hall in the Dread Fortress, tables of food)

6. 0:03:31 — Solid. He steps through a purple and blue portal into a castle “decorated and laid out with food galore.” His first words: “Otacon. Otacon. Are you… Lost contact with him.” “Yuan Ti is what they usually call us, but my name is Solid. I am known to be well-trained in close quarters combat.” A pronunciation gag follows: the Grandmaster asks “is it solid or is it solid?” and the Arbiter says it’s “more guttural… an epiglottis.”
   • Out of character, Dan puts his glasses on. Solid: “This vision is less than solid.”
   • Later, at 0:20:39, it’s established that Solid is missing an eye and wears glasses on top of his eye patch.
7. 0:05:20 — Grog the Malodorous. His audio drops at first, then: “Dang, brother. All I’m going to say right now is that nobody’s got a chance… Grog’s here to play. He’s playing for keeps. Wait, where am I again?”
   • The Grandmaster tells him he’s in the Dread Fortress. Someone (04, speaker uncertain) adds: “down the hall is the shower if you need it.” Grog: “No need… A little zest in your life.”
   • He spreads out. His tunic rides up and “his natural essence” makes eyes water within a good radius: “He loves the stink.” The Grandmaster: “It’s a smell that you can feel. That is something I never wanted in my life.”
8. 0:07:28 — Beans the Terrible arrives through a third portal: “Hey guys, how’s it going? I’m here! Yes, we are here, Precious.”
   • The Grandmaster offers him a high chair. He refuses it: “Excuse me, I don’t need this high chair.” His wings flutter.
   • Sparkles surround him and other pixies appear and dance in a line. Beans grabs the camera: “hello, is this thing on?… help me. I don’t know what I’m doing here.”
   • The Grandmaster tells Solid, Grog and Beans that they are a team for the gauntlet “for now.” Asked about the smell, Beans says it “Smells like glorious purpose.” Solid: “I don’t know if I can do this.”
   • The Arbiter is pleased the players have “committed these voices for the next three hours.”
9. 0:09:39 — Pyxis, “this huge, bulky mammoth.” “Oh, hello there, buddy. I’m really excited to be here. What a magnificent place this is.”
   • The Grandmaster calls him “tender and sweet.” Pyxis: “I’m just looking for some people who killed some loved ones of mine. It was a little fairy, a strange centaur person, and a cobra of some kind.” These match Beans, Grog and Solid. The Grandmaster: “What are the odds? I think you’re exactly where you’re supposed to be.”
   • He smacks his war hammer down on the table and everything jumps.
10. 0:10:54 — Dave the Doom Duck. A small portal opens from the ground and a duck flutters up through it, quacking. “Hello, are you my fellow sacrifices?” The Grandmaster isn’t “fluent in duck”: “I have it on my Duolingo… I push off the notifications.”
11. 0:11:54 — Dave’s description (KP). It’s unknown whether the portal was opened for him or “ripped open from the hells below.”
    • He seems a regular duck, but he’s “a little too scaly… Hellish, a little too wrong.” As the portal closes, hell cheers “that they got rid of this damn beast.”
    • He has draconic wings instead of normal ones. His presence “would have made your grandma blush.”
    • “Never… look him straight in the eye”: the madness and unbridled rage feel like stepping in poop.
12. 0:13:38 — Dave’s bowels. The Grandmaster asks whether Dave poops wherever he likes. “That’s his birthright. This land is his. This world and all others connected to it is his. It is his own toilet.”
    • “That eyepatch especially looks fantastic” (0:14:06, speaker and subject unclear).
    • The Arbiter asks why she always asks champions about their bowels. The Grandmaster says it’s good hosting.
    • The Arbiter “was actually going to praise you for your restraint and not mentioning Solid’s possible cloaca.”
    • The Grandmaster: if Dave poops in here, the Arbiter cleans it up. The Arbiter: “That’s why we have Thea. I don’t have to do that anymore.”
13. 0:15:04 — Perry. The Arbiter flares his wings and slams his arms and wings together, “creating ripples in time and space, sound waves that almost rip open the fabric of reality,” and opens an “unnecessarily huge… showy portal.”
    • Perry Power-Ranger-tumbles out: “hello, my name is Perry and I am, well, well, um…” He reaches back into the portal and pulls out his shovel: “I have a shovel and I am here to cause mayhem.” The Grandmaster: “This Deathmatch needs a shovel. You read my mind, Perry.”
    • He scurries up onto Pyxis’s shoulder. Pyxis suggests using the shovel to clean up the duck’s mess. Perry: “I would never disrespect my shovel with that.”
    • Description: about 3’5”, black and white hair, and a giant wizard’s hat covering half his face, glowing bluish underneath, with little fireflies coming out. He chews a piece of straw.
14. 0:16:50 — Heights.
    • The Grandmaster is 10 feet tall, the tallest in the room: “This is D&D and it’s my only chance.”
    • Solid is 5’6”: “a solid, you know, average American high five.”
    • Grog is 7’3” and “part horse”: “Built as a steed.”
    • Beans is 2’4”: “Woohoo! I’m tall!” The Grandmaster: “Most of it’s lungs, isn’t it?” “I don’t get the joke.”
    • Pyxis is 9’5”, “a little small for my height.” His siblings were taller: “They’re the ones that were gone, whacked by those three… They were a little taller than me, but not so much anymore.” The Grandmaster pitches donating for his vengeance. Pyxis: “Please donate. Donate now.”
    • Dave is “the perfect majestic duck height.” “Have you ever battled a duck before? They’re a menace.” The Arbiter: “Actually, more times than you would believe.” Dave: “it’s the perfect height to nip you where you need to be nipped.”
    • Perry is 3’5”, “but my ears are about four.” He takes his hat off. The Grandmaster: “Perry might have my heart on this one.”
15. 0:20:19 — Picks. The Arbiter bets on Dave (“say what you want about ducks. I mean, I’ve said plenty”). The Grandmaster: “Solid looks like he could eat a duck on his own.” Solid asks whether the food is real, and the Grandmaster slaps his hand away.

The rules of the gauntlet

16. 0:21:01 The teams race through the gauntlet. At the end there’s a special bonus, then PvP to capture the flag: “only one of you may leave this arena alive.” The teams must stay together to the end.
17. Phase one, the Dread Fortress Castle, has three rooms:
    • the kitchen, where they must eat all the food;
    • the sleeping chinchilla’s room, which they must sneak through;
    • the alchemist’s table, where they assemble their own portal to phase two.
18. 0:22:21 The Arbiter: the food must be gone before they move on. “The Acolytes came here for one thing and one thing only, and that’s to watch a duck eat.” The roof isn’t there. Above is a floating grandstand of Acolytes chanting names, tearing shirts off and spilling beer. They chant “Beans!” The Grandmaster insists on initiative order: “I want to feel important.”

Team A (Beans, Grog, Solid): the kitchen

19. 0:23:19 Beans: “I’m two foot four. You think I’m gonna eat all this food?” He casts shrink (enlarge/reduce) on all the food and feeds it to Grog. The food halves in size. Grog: “I don’t know who this is, but I like his style. I love food.”
20. 0:25:22 Grog makes Constitution saves to eat it all: a fail, then a success. For the third, Beans casts Guidance and stands behind him while his pixies form a dance line: “You can do it.” The save succeeds.
    • Grog: “I like your style, Beans. You like to sing like I do, huh? Oh, yeah. This food’s going down in my belly.” It hits his stomach “a little gurgly, but everything’s okay.”
21. 0:27:28 Solid: “I was really betting on that fried turkey.” He goes to the wall and taunts the other team: “you better have something going on back there, because we’re already ahead.”
    • Pyxis rolls a nat 20 and hears it over an intercom. Pyxis: “That voice sounds familiar to me. That sounds like the voice I heard on a very horrible day long ago.”
22. 0:28:47 The doors slide open “Star Wars style,” wooden doors with sci-fi sounds. Solid: “shh, this is where I come in.”

Team A: the chinchillas’ room

23. 0:29:36 Solid’s stealth is 25. The chinchillas are asleep, snoring and cuddled together, each snuggling a kitchen knife like a stuffed animal.
24. 0:30:24 — The first chinchilla kick (a donation). One chinchilla wakes. It doesn’t use its knife; it snarls, its puffy cheeks lift, and it hops out of bed and kicks Solid in the shins (2 damage). Solid holds in his yell: “Oh, mother.” He keeps stealthing: “Stealth build, baby.” He flexes silently, fangs hanging over his lip.

Team B (Perry, Pyxis, Dave): the kitchen

25. 0:32:32 Perry sniffs the food and looks at Pyxis. Pyxis: “I believe they said make it disappear.” Pyxis lies down on the table: “Well, you have a shovel… Put it all on me.” Perry shovels the food onto him. Pyxis: “These flavors are so delectable.”
26. 0:33:17 Dave uses a Mage Hand shaped like a duck’s head, a beak grabbing things and chucking them in, “almost like Hydra heads.”
27. 0:33:47 Pyxis casts greater invisibility on himself “and anything I’m wearing,” so the food disappears with him. On his Constitution saves he rolls a natural 20 on the third, and the table is cleared. Pyxis: “Good job, everyone. I’m so proud of you all.” Dave: “This is your day, bro.”

Team B: the chinchillas’ room

28. 0:35:54 Dave walks in with “pure, unbelievable confidence,” not stealthing at all. The chinchillas wake. He looks straight into their eyes and casts sleep. The roll was 22 against 20 HP that the Arbiter set on the fly. The chinchillas sit straight up holding their knives, which glint in the light, then fall right back asleep. Dave turns to his team: “All right. Well, I’m going to the other side of that room.”

Team A crosses the chinchillas’ room

29. 0:39:33 A donation from an Acolyte (heard as Joss / Jess / Just Baker) gives Grog disadvantage.
30. 0:40:13 Beans holds Animal Friendship in reserve, then tiptoes “very Scooby Doo style” across (stealth 19). He casts Guidance on Grog (“You can do it… All night long”) and leads him across “like you teach little kids how to dance… just copy me.”
31. 0:43:27 — Grog’s stench. The shrink has worn off and his belly is super full, so every step lets out a fart. Both teammates’ eyes water. “I apologize for the stench… either going to wake all the chinchillas up or… knock them out cold.” Solid: “I want to cast reflect missiles at those farts.” The Arbiter: “That implies that there are projectiles involved.” “There are absolutely projectiles.”
    • Grog’s stealth comes to 12. It just gets louder: “He’s just full out. Oops.” Beans: “Ask it to be quiet! I’m being asked to ask you.”
32. 0:45:18 — The chinchillas attack. Their noses twitch and they wake “with murder in their eyes,” loosing a barrage of tiny toothpick-like stabs: max damage, 8 to each of the three. “Get off me, you little!”
    • One chinchilla in the corner wears a hard hat and smokes a cigarette: “Get them, boys! Hospital sticks!” (speaker uncertain).
    • They crawl back into bed, still glaring, noses deep under the covers. Beans: “I hope you have nightmares.”
    • Solid: smoking calms your nerves before a sniper shot, “it does hurt your health though” (“referencing my old video game days”). The Grandmaster gives a “Please do not start smoking” PSA. “Surgeon General tells me I shouldn’t do that anymore.”
33. 0:46:04 The Acolytes love “the place where your heart is at, Beans,” and grant him a Warrior’s Advantage (donor heard as “great to be a Gator”).

Team A: the alchemy room

34. 0:48:08 There are three identical tables, each with red, green and blue vials and a note: “One to pour, half in the other, and the third to drink to throw down the hatch.” The Grandmaster compares it to the Great British Baking Show challenge where “a few ingredients are missing.” Beans: “Memory loss.” The Arbiter: “I don’t even know how to count really.”
    • Solid pulls a steak knife out of his leg (from the chinchillas).
    • Beans: “Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, so drink the last one.” Solid: “I’m all about espionage. I don’t know puzzles very well.”
35. 0:50:55 Beans offers Cosmic Omen (Weal), a d6 added to the check. Solid: “always drink the red one because those are the good ones.” He pours blue into green and drinks red, and turns into a frog for half a second. The vials magically refill. The Grandmaster: “You sound like you got a frog in your throat.” “We’re making jokes now, huh?”
    • The Arbiter: “cheese and crackers great googly moogly.” Solid spends his bonus action wafting the air away.
36. 0:53:04 Beans gets another $30 advantage (“You guys are awesome! Keep coming!”). The Arbiter pulls the incentives up on “a giant jumbotron magically floating in front of the acolytes.” The Grandmaster thanks Anonymous, Just Baker, Gator and M. Walker Hall.

Team B: the poop room, the alchemy room, Dave’s betrayal

37. 0:54:45 Dave quacks across the room, throwing out random remarks: “got your armor, bro. Quack. It looks like shit. Quack.” Pyxis: “You have a dirty mouth, you little duck.”
38. 0:55:32 “To show how spiteful Dave can be,” he poops in front of each chinchilla bed, in the exact spot where they’d step. The Grandmaster: “How dare you defile this space?” Pyxis: “This is a naughty duck.”
    • The invisible Pyxis follows behind and wipes it up “because he wants to keep it clean for the chinchillas. He feels bad.” KP: “Oh, Dave’s gonna remember that.”
39. 0:56:55 Perry casts Detect Poison and Disease: red and green give bad vibes, blue seems safe. He mixes red and green and chugs the blue. The stone portal lights up with pink and yellow flames that aren’t hot to the touch. He bounces toward it.
40. 0:58:27 — The duck gets kicked (an Anonymous donation). A chinchilla gets up for a glass of hot milk because it can’t sleep and steps in the one poop Pyxis missed. It takes its steak knife, marches in and stabs Dave in the butt cheeks (“whatever ducks have”), for 2 damage.
41. 0:59:35 Dave flares up: flames, a demonic aura, “the screams of the very hells themselves behind him.” He says, “Don’t hurt the chinchillas. Don’t hurt the chinchillas. Don’t hurt the chinchillas.” Then he walks off and leaves the most massive poop he can at the door: “Clean that up!” Pyxis: “This is a rotten duck. Very rotten duck.”
42. 1:01:07 Dave was too busy pooping to watch Perry (“when you poop… you still close your eyes a little bit”). Pyxis took “meticulous notes,” and does the combination (blue to drink, red mixed with green) invisibly so Dave can’t see, then jumps in. Pyxis: “You didn’t see me… I’m right behind you, buddy.”
43. 1:02:39 Left behind, Dave mutters, “I’m going to get roasted up.” He tries to intimidate the vials (13): “glass vials don’t have brains or emotions… It is ineffective.”
    • He kicks over the chest in the left corner, kicks a table, then sits on a chair that looks like a throne. KP: “He’s not the most smartest of ducks… I’m playing the duck smarter.”
44. 1:06:15 From the throne (perception 10) he spots the knocked-over end table with a skull now upside down: the ingredient order is written on a sticky note under it, “like a password.” “Ah, it’s good to be a duck.” He drinks and gets through.
    • The Grandmaster: “Let’s go back to my favorite team now.” The Arbiter: “You can’t play favorites… You gotta let these guys die fair and square.”

Team A: the mimic

45. 1:07:29 Beans has passive perception 18:
    • the red vial has no fingerprints; green and blue do;
    • certain books have been handled often;
    • the chest on the right has no dust. Beans: “I don’t want to turn into a roasted duck… Something tells me don’t touch the red.”
46. 1:08:52 The Grandmaster’s booming voice makes it easier: “just pour one into the other.” Beans: “Okay, thanks, booming voice. You sound awesome.” The Grandmaster: “I knew I liked you for a reason.”
47. 1:09:48 Beans pours green into red, and it burns off his eyebrows (1 damage).
48. 1:10:43 Frustrated and unable to see, he kicks the dustless chest. It kicks back: it’s a mimic, which bites him on a natural 20 for 11 piercing.
49. 1:12:12 Beans is “usually really fun, energetic… the life of the party,” but “when something bites at him and leaves a mark, he’s going to make sure that it leaves a mark back.” He conjures a Flame Blade: “Suffering Succotash, that really hurt!” He chases the mimic around with the fire to keep it away from his team.

Mini-boss: Thea, the Abyss Devourer (a $100 donation from Pyxis)

50. 1:13:20 The Acolytes scream for blood: a $100 mini-boss donation from Pyxis (Anthony). The Grandmaster: “Pixis dropping a mini-boss on their own?” Pyxis: “Oh, I would never do such an evil thing.” The Arbiter: Pyxis doesn’t understand “that mini-boss goes towards both teams.”
51. 1:14:07 A portal sucks everyone into a large cave split by a chasm that echoes and rumbles. The Arbiter: “it was bought and paid for, so we gotta do it… Where’s Thea?”
52. 1:14:47 — Thea arrives. She’s a tiny pink imp hurtling in on furiously flapping wings, tail trailing: “Did you call for me? Because I’m ready for some fighting!” She pulls out boxing gloves: “I’m going to punch them in the faces…”
    • The Arbiter: “I just need your body. I want to transform you into like your true form.” Thea: “My true form, but I thought I was already pretty cool as this.” She pulls out a steak knife of her own: “Make me scary, make me a big monster… Can I still use this?”
53. 1:15:46 He sends her down into the crevice. What shoots up is at first tiny (“It’s a grower, not a shower!”). Then: “A giant purple worm!” Thea: “I am Thea! I am the Abyss Devourer!” Her head has gaping mouths with teeth layered and rotating inside. Because Pyxis summoned her, she faces Team A first.
54. 1:17:59 — Grog vs the worm. Grog: “I like the better way she was a little fairy thing… Can I use smell?”
    • He jumps “full bore” off his bionic leg and swings his war hammer for a natural 20: “Makes me feel it down in my, deep down in my chassis there.”
    • Thea: “You smell awful, but I bet you taste great.” Grog: “I taste like a smell.” She rolls persuasion against herself (17): “as that stench makes its way up, it hits the taste buds of this worm. And she chooses to turn away.”
    • His second swing misses but fans away his scent (“I love it… Need more of it”). He’s now fully digested (“everybody might be safe”) and hopes for “no more riddles today.”
55. 1:23:33 — Solid. “I usually work alone, but maybe I can use them as bait.” He sprints in for “the old one-two.”
    • His punches and flurry of blows land three of four, the impact “rippling through Thea almost like a wave.” He uses ki to “hit her in the jejunum” (a stunning strike). She saves: “Thea Strong!” Three tongues spit at him.
    • Solid: “Worm battle.” “Probably nobody gets it.” The Arbiter: “Get out of here, you old snake.”
56. 1:27:12 — Thea’s turn. “I have no horses, but I could eat that one,” looking at Grog. Her attack is called “multiple tongues.” Three tongues try to grapple Grog, Solid and Beans. Solid and Beans backflip, arguing acrobatics.
    • The tongue aimed at Beans sneaks past him, hits a stalagmite and splits in half: 8 damage to herself. Beans: “Oh no, that looked like it hurt. You okay?… It’s okay, I can fix it… It’s just misunderstood.” Solid: “Stop talking to it and punch it.” Grog: “I’m going to have to take this beans guy home. He’s pretty funny.”
    • Grog and Solid are grappled. Thea: “I do have horses to hold now!”
57. 1:31:34 — Perry: faerie fire. “A thousand little fireflies” swarm off his hat onto Thea, Grog, Solid and Beans.
    • Beans: “Hold your freaking horses. I’m a freaking fairy. How dare you?” Perry: “I’m sorry. It wasn’t on purpose… They have a mind of their own.”
    • Thea fails the save. Beans passes (17). The Arbiter rules a fairy could have advantage against faerie fire. Beans: “that’s rude. I wasn’t trying to hurt you.”
    • Hoopla Chick (Texas), “Love from Dolly and Hoopla, the Nat 1 fan,” gives Solid advantage. Solid: “I’m glad it wasn’t another knife in the leg.” Thea and Solid each take 8.
58. 1:36:47 — Dave: a ring of fire. He asks how tall the worm is (“gargantuan… 30, 40 feet”) and finds there’s no way across the chasm. “Hey worm, how about some roast dinner?” (“I love food,” speaker uncertain.)
    • He casts Wall of Fire as a ring around Team A, at Pyxis’s suggestion (“Put a square around them… lock them in”).
    • He raises his wings, eyes twitching creepily. The ground opens and hellish fire rises in a circle around them. “Quack.” Then he waddles off nonchalantly, “as if though… he knows the worm’s not gonna touch him.” Pyxis: “Oh, Ducky, you’re so good now. I like him.”
    • Grog, Beans and the worm take heavy fire (28). Solid takes none thanks to Evasion. Dave tries to Twin Spell it, but it isn’t single-target (“I’ll just waddle on”).
59. 1:44:07 — Beans talks to the worm. He asks whether she’s a beast; she’s a monstrosity. “You look fine today. You look great. Don’t let anyone tell you any different… Now we have, you know, things with the tongue. They do that now for aesthetics.” He tells a band-camp story about someone blowing on a saxophone, and “goes on for like at least a solid five minutes.”
60. 1:45:33 He knows the fire came from the other side, but not who cast it (“You know Team Bean, that’s about it”). Beans isn’t happy around fire. Control Flames can only put out a 5-ft cube near him. “The people over there don’t know the wrath of beans.” He casts his own Wall of Fire (4th level) around Team B. Beans: “I like roasted duck.”
61. 1:50:02 — Thea dies. “That will be enough for Thea as she begins to, ah, no!” (“It’s okay, call me!”) The giant worm slides back down into the cavernous ravine, and Team A is freed.
    • Pyxis fails, Perry saves (22), and Dave is resistant through draconic resilience; he spends a sorcery point to become immune.
62. 1:51:04 The Grandmaster: “This mini-boss, it’s taking this whole thing out of control.” There’s a 10-minute break; health is handled off-screen.

After the break

64. 1:51:30 The Arbiter: Thea was “transformed into a giant monstrosity slayed by our champions.” The champions have done a little healing. The Grandmaster repeats the incentives (“$100asyoujustsawbringsinTheatheImp")andpushestheboss:"\ast \ast Iputalotofworkinwritingthat,sosomebodybetterdonatethat$500.**”
65. 1:53:23 — The Box of Chaos falls. Great To Be A Gator gives $300. The Box comes “from high above like a comet soaring across the sky,” hits the ground like a meteor, and pink and yellow flames burst as the chest opens. It sits by the well: “I know they look like toilets. They’re not toilets.” “Don’t poop in someone’s water system.”
66. 1:54:59 JJ’s Wounded Warrior Project segment (out of character, see creator notes).
67. 1:56:42 The Arbiter: “You get to that box, and you make a sacrifice to it, and we will give you a magic item.” Beans: “A sacrifice?” The Arbiter: “It’s all legalese. It’s just lawyer speak.” Beans: “What’s a lawyer?” Solid: “I believe it’s something like a demon.”

Phase two: the Dread Fortress grounds

68. 1:57:12 The Grandmaster: “Welcome to our dreaded fortress… make sure you do not miss out on that beautiful box of chaos.” Initiative starts fresh. Beans: “is this the portion where we fight?” “Not yet.”
69. 1:58:10 — The Bee Gees. Beans huddles with his pixies: “We’re going to call this group the Bee Gees. Why? Because we’re the bee’s knees.”
70. 1:58:38 — Starry form. Light shines down onto Beans. His kaleidoscope wings and hair transform “in like a Sailor Moon-esque fashion.” Stars form on his body as he takes the starry form of the Circle of the Stars, becoming “this beautiful light shining fairy… floating above.”
    • He surveys the land. The path is well worn, but a bridge is missing over a treacherous river.
    • He dashes across, flying (“Big brain time”).
71. 2:01:40 — The Box speaks. “Black, tendril-like, shadowy fingers” creep out as the lid creaks open, and two yellow eyes peek out. “What do you want?… You gotta give me something before I give you something.”
    • Beans offers advice: “you gotta tell me what you have so I can… ask for the thing that you have.” The Box: “I’m gonna give you something, but just so you stop talking to me.”
72. 2:03:50 — Grog. “I wanna be where he is.” He dashes 80 ft. On his Dexterity save through the river he gets a 21: “that water does not slow you down. Everyone who’s ever played Oregon Trail wishes that they had.” Beans: “Hey, you took a shower.”
    • The Box: “What do you want?” Grog: “I already ate.” He gives it his war hammer and receives a Trident of Fish Command: “I don’t even like fish.”
73. 2:07:02 — Solid steals the Box. He uses ki for Step of the Wind (100 ft of movement), jumps the river diagonally and picks up the Box of Chaos. Someone protests in the Box’s voice, possibly the Box itself (speaker uncertain): “Hey, hey, hey… put me down, put me down… quiet.”
    • Describing the move himself, Solid tosses it into the air and kicks it over the 20-ft trees: acrobatics 25 against DC 22. Beans pulls popcorn out of thin air: “Ah, look at this guy.” The Grandmaster: “kicking that sucker over these 20 foot high trees with knees and style, 10 out of 10 across the board.”
74. 2:11:24 “Just because I want to be a little evil,” the Arbiter has the Box come barreling over and land on Beans and Grog. Both fail their saves and take 13 damage: “like the old meteors landing.”
75. 2:12:04 — The free-for-all. The Arbiter: “Things have devolved here… I’m kind of into it. So… do we just let them kill each other now?” The Grandmaster: “Yes.”
    • She waves her hand, and the trees shrink into 5-ft shrubbery: “Go forth… spill the blood of your opponents.” The Box stays: “if you’ve already taken something you cannot take again, do not be greedy. Who will survive?”
    • Pyxis: “Oh, I plan on living, don’t you worry.” The Arbiter: “It is a last man standing situation.”

The Deathmatch

76. 2:13:34 — Perry and Beans in the Box. Perry dashes, rabbit-hops across the water and lands on the Box, next to Beans. The Box: “Oh man, how many of you guys are there?… Make it quick. Make it snappy.” Perry looks at his hands, then at Beans: he wants to put Beans in the Box.
    • He swings his shovel. Beans puts disadvantage on him with Cosmic Omen, but it still hits for 8. Beans: “Why is everybody coming after me?… JUMPING JELLYBEANS,” and tries to shove Perry in instead.
    • It’s swarm versus swarm (both have Gathered Swarm). After a flat d20 roll-off with the whole table chanting “Roll off,” Perry rolls a natural 20 and his swarm slams Beans into the Box (21 fire / chaos damage).
    • Because he went in, Beans gets an item: “I’m just going to annoy this guy until he gives me something.” He comes out wearing a Hat of Vermin.
    • Perry gets a potion of frost giant strength (strength 25, +11 to hit) and drinks it.
77. 2:21:34 — Pyxis. The Grandmaster: “You see three that had taken your family down… Maybe it’s them, maybe it’s another three.” Pyxis casts Moonbeam at 5th level (“Moonbeam!”) across Beans, Perry and another target. He uses Steps of Night to fly. All the targets save and take 14. Pyxis: “I’m still pretty.” He moves to a tree.
78. 2:23:32 — Dave’s banishment. “Dave is mad.” He rises: an “abysmal” (Abyssal) cry, flames shooting up around him, eyes glowing with fire. He casts Banishment at 5th level and twins it twice with 10 sorcery points to target four. The Arbiter allows it: “people got to start dying.”
    • Named in Abyssal: “minion one, minion two, that green guy and the horse. Cause he never bothered asking for their names.” Grog: “I’m a dang centaur.” The targets are Solid, Grog, Beans and his own teammate Perry. The Arbiter: “Perry, I hope you remember this.” Dave: “Hey, this is an all-out Deathmatch.”
    • Advantages come in from Just Baker and Anonymous for Grog, Perry and Beans. Solid already has advantage against magic, and he rolls a natural 20. Everyone saves.
    • The Grandmaster: “it was a noble effort indeed… the Grandmaster is pleased with your creativity. I’m going to give you Bless.” Beans: “Got some bull! Wait! Malarkey!” Dave: “ah, duck.”
79. 2:32:01 The Grandmaster: “You know what’s malarkey is the fact that all of you are still alive.” From here on, all damage is doubled. “Beans, you little loudmouth, it is your turn.”
80. 2:32:37 — Beans vs Pyxis. He describes a Whirlpool (control water) as flavor, rolls a natural 20 on his save to escape the Moonbeam, and moves out of it.
    • He fires “this beautiful radiant light”: a 4th-level Guiding Bolt with his saved advantage, empowered by his starry form (the archer). His pixie swarm piles on. Doubled, it does 72 damage. The Grandmaster: “Don’t piss off the fairy!” Pyxis: “Hey, I’m low,” with 37 left.
81. 2:40:36 — Grog kills Perry. Next to Perry (“Don’t hit me”), Grog says, “I feel like Perry, he’s kind of okay, but you know what? We’re going crazy.” He has “Down by the river” and the Trident of Fish Command.
    • Two trident hits, each with a Divine Smite. Grog: “I’m not this hateful, you know?… I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” The table: “Do it! Do it! Kill them all.” “No regrets / No ragrets.”
82. 2:44:26 — Perry’s last swing. Perry is down, “but can I do a way out?” He’s furious at Beans for egging Grog on (“he heard the, you deserve it, all of that nonsense”). Perry swings his shovel at Beans on the way out, with giant strength, for 32 damage.
    • The Grandmaster: “Noon strikes as your hand holds that shovel. In a moment of beauty, you see Acolytes capturing your moment of grace… you feel as if the sky has darkened and so has your day.”
83. 2:47:09 — Beans’s last words. “I came here just to have fun. Apparently everybody wants to make fun of me. Just because my voice isn’t it. It’s all right… Why is the world getting darker?” Perry holds Beans as they fade. Beans: “I love you all. Thank you guys so much. This is wonderful. Hey, hey, don’t touch me. Get off me.”
    • The Grandmaster: “As the two of you struggle and fight in eternity on this ground.” Beans and Perry are dead.
84. 2:48:23 — Solid drowns the duck. “That duck looks like it’s some bad news.” He uses Step of the Wind to jump the river and land behind Dave: “punch, punch, punch, punch, and punch some more.” He hits through flurry of blows, then uses Open Hand Technique to push Dave 15 feet into the river.
    • Dave: “I’m a duck! I’m a freaking duck!… I’m a waterfowl! AG double hockey sticks! Water hurts!… I can’t stand water.” Someone: “He’s from hell!” The Grandmaster: “He’s a sitting duck.”
    • Dave fails his Dexterity save (11) against the rapids. Beans: “Can you imagine being taken out by the one thing you’re really good at?” The Grandmaster: “there’s not a lot of lakes and rivers in hell.” Dave: “Rivers of lava.”
    • A rock comes pelting down the river and hits him (20).
85. 2:53:20 — Pyxis’s grab. He flies up, grabs Solid’s head and casts a 4th-level Inflict Wounds: 52 necrotic “as I’m floating in the air holding his head.” He drops Solid from 30 feet. Solid uses Slow Fall. The Grandmaster: “It was such a good play.” “You have found your 1v1.”
86. 2:55:10 — The flaming turd. Dave climbs back onto land: “This horsey doesn’t do much.” He turns, “points his butt in that general direction,” “I had that spicy stuff earlier,” and shoots out a 5th-level fireball that “looks literally like lava.” The Grandmaster: “that flaming turd goes flying across the map.”
    • He sets it off in mid-air at Pyxis, 30 ft up. Pyxis: “You dirty duck!… Don’t do it!”
    • Solid “sees the poop coming” and backflips out of the way (Evasion, no damage). Pyxis fails and takes 74.
87. 2:58:45 — Divine intervention. “At least I see Solid Snake would lead me.” Pyxis prays to Selûne, goddess of the moon: “Let me slay this murderer of my family as I die… he killed my family, now prepare to die.”
    • As the fireball explodes, “the entire day shifts to night.” The moon shines down “as your god responds,” and the moonlight lifts him to the right vector to drop onto Solid’s head. Pyxis’s finger pokes out Solid’s last good eye, and the 30-ft fall kills Solid (“We don’t even have to roll”).
    • Solid sees “the shining glory of the armor coming down and… the moon maiden behind him”: “yeah i did kill your family that’s it.”
    • The Grandmaster: “Redemption found in Pyxis, the objective made complete, and now both eyes taken. Beautiful farewell.” Pyxis and Solid are dead.
88. 3:01:30 — Grog vs Dave. Grog is 60 ft away across the river (“I don’t even know if I want to get close to this thing”). He settles on: “let’s just chuck the trident… rock on!”
    • Beans’s leftover Guiding Bolt advantage is transferred to him (“We haven’t said no to anything at this point”). The trident hits (26) for 8. Dave: “I’m okay. A little on the shish kabob side.”
    • The Grandmaster: “Throw the Vorpal Sword!” It’s lying on the ground. The Arbiter: “If you get a nat 20 with that thing, the head’s gone.” Grog: “it’s me or this dang duck… I have to be the last one standing. I fed you!” The attack ties Dave’s AC, a glancing blow for half damage (8).
    • Dave’s draconic wings are half falling off. “He is hurt and he is angry.”
89. 3:08:16 — The last fireball. Dave doesn’t flap; it’s “just him, like, just unholy rising into the sky.” “Oh, you gave me hell. Let me send you to it myself.”
    • A 4th-level fireball, again from his butt: “he’s already given up the big one earlier, so it’s not as big.” Grog: “He went to the Thai spot and ordered the number six, you know, six spicy.”
    • Grog rolls a 2 and takes 78.
90. 3:10:08 — Grog’s last words. “Of all the things I’ve loved in life, I was hoping that I could eat this hell duck. I’ve eaten ducks before. They taste delicious. But I’ll go meet my friend Beans. I miss that guy. He sings like I do… I don’t know why I was hating on him… he’s just going to take us all to hell. So, you know, sayonara, suckers.” His ashes blow away with the dust.
91. 3:10:56 — Victory. Dave is somehow sideways, rolling happily in the grass: “I win! I win! Take that, Satan!… They kicked me out of hell. I’ll make a new hell.” The trees light on fire as if to celebrate.
92. 3:11:25 The Grandmaster pulls everyone in, dead and alive: “it is everyone’s story today that reminds us how important it is to always push yourself… never give up, even till your dying breath. Because you never know when that will be. Dave the Duck, you are our winner in this D20 Deathmatch. You have captured the flag.”
93. 3:12:17–3:25:01 Cast introductions (out of character, see creator notes). The Grandmaster: “We’re going to miss Beans now.” 3:25:45 “Welcome and good night to D20.”