S2E8 — Father's Love — Dadrith v Baron Voltágè

Watch on YouTube

A cleric who calls himself the dad of dads faced off against a halfling inventor whose name nobody could pronounce, on an island riding the back of an eternal turtle. Father’s Love pitted Dadrith and his arsenal of dad jokes against the theatrical Baron Voltágè. It is remembered for the first champion ever to throw his own soul into the Box of Chaos, for a winner who wept and begged his gods to spare his opponent, and for a closing scene in which a robot fist burst out of a shark’s stomach.

The Story

Candy Behind the Throne

The night opened with the Arbiter strolling into the throne room and asking the Grandmaster for “a piece of that.” She demanded to know how he knew, and he pointed at the wrappers scattered everywhere. She wondered aloud whether Thomas had told him, prompting the Arbiter’s baffled “Who the fuck is Thomas?” She swept the last of her Valentine’s Day candy behind her throne and insisted there was none left. Any candy he saw her eating later, she explained, she would have bought afterward.

When the Arbiter suggested she was being a little childish, she asked if he was judging her intake, and he retreated at once: “You are consuming the correct amount of candy at all times. I forgot.” She also had an answer for the auditor in him. She had bought it all at half price, because “The Acolytes know you don’t buy candy before Valentine’s Day. You buy it after.”

The cover-up fell apart when Doug bounded out from behind the throne in a landslide of chocolate wrappers. The Arbiter was unbothered by the chocolate: “he’s an undead dog he can eat chocolate… what is it gonna do kill him again.” When the Grandmaster said he didn’t like Doug, he insisted it was Doug who didn’t like him, and said Doug “makes it very clear every time he rolls higher than me.” Doug turned his huge puppy eyes on the Grandmaster, who declared him clearly the cutest thing and the Arbiter a monster.

Talk then turned to recruitment. The Arbiter confessed that this week’s champions were “a little odd.” It was getting harder to find people willing to fight to the death, and his cold calls kept ending in refusals. The Grandmaster reminded him that champions are promised “all the money or wishes that you want” from treasure set aside for the purpose. He noted that “all of that money seems to be going to candy.” She promised to follow up on whether he was actually paying them.

Dad of Dads and the Elitist of Electricity

Dadrith introduced himself with open arms: “I am Dadrith, dad of dads. I bring the ideals of fatherhood all across the multiverse and I’m here today to teach you a lesson, son.” Baron objected that he was clearly the elder. The Grandmaster mentioned that she had laid her own father to rest “like 800 years ago,” studied Dadrith for a moment, and concluded that no, he was not her father.

Baron Voltágè announced that he had come to put down a long-standing “thorn in my side,” and named himself “the elitist of electricity, the supplier of shock.” Then the Arbiter asked whether the name was just “voltage.” “No, it’s Voltágè! It’s said the exact way it’s spelt!” The Grandmaster tried it dozens of times. When the Arbiter asked whether it was a family name, or German, the answer was that it was Barovian. The Arbiter offered the theory that “this guy might just be an electrician,” until Baron snapped, “Enough! I did not come here to be belittled!” Dadrith, for his part, explained his calling: “everyone that tries to be a father that does not live up to the ideals of fatherhood faces my wrath.”

The Eternal Turtle

The Grandmaster had been dreaming of a beach vacation, and the Arbiter proposed they “double dip” with violence and piña coladas. He tore open a rift full of sea salt and something close enough to seagull cries. The Grandmaster welcomed the champions to the endless sea, where “the eternal turtle grants you passage for now.” The turtle could not carry two champions for long, she warned, so one would have to kick the other off and claim the island as king. The island held a shell for cover, bones that cracked underfoot and hidden treasure: “all that glitters is not always gold.”

The Acolytes circled overhead, chanting, sloshing umbrella-topped coconut drinks and slathering on sunscreen. The Grandmaster took her seat and tossed Doug a bone. The Arbiter snapped his fingers, and a large pink box wreathed in yellow and pink flames burst onto the edge of the island. It would grant magic items, he explained, “but it demands a sacrifice.” Baron landed right beside it. Dadrith landed in the brush across the island.

The Floor Is Lava

The Acolytes had already stirred up chaos. A sizzle and an ashy smell came first, then searing heat in the champions’ feet as the sand turned “so hot… you might as well call it lava.” Baron’s quick genius helped him dodge it. Dadrith tried to throw him off with the “dad point,” a glowing pointed finger meant to distract, but Baron kept his feet anyway. Both took a scorching before the sea breeze slowly cooled the sand. Baron hopped onto the Box of Chaos in a little trail of sparks, which the Grandmaster found very cute.

Son, Sun and Newspaper

Dadrith wasted no time. He warned Baron off the box (“Its contents are mine”), pointed at the sun and commanded, “Sun, come forth.” A beautiful, solar-colored celestial appeared beside Baron and gave a slow-motion Fabio hair flick. Its shirt plunged to the belly button until, on the Grandmaster’s suggestion, it changed into a big floral Hawaiian one. This was Dadrith’s son, and he was told not to let Baron open that chest.

Baron scoffed that he had no need of the chest’s meager trinkets. “Now to begin my unnecessary power-up sequence!” His suit deployed piece by piece in slow motion, Iron Man style, as he swelled to giant size and made loud, sustained power-up screams. Someone shouted that his power was over 9,000. The Grandmaster, delighted by the showmanship, put her money on him.

Dadrith answered by winding up his hands. With the sound of warping paper, a giant rolled-up newspaper appeared and smacked Baron. The Grandmaster warned that some of them might be having childhood trauma flashbacks. Dadrith then shouted “Daddy’s coming!”, leapt a stretch of scorching sand past a crab that had cooked mid-stride, and fired off his first joke. “I learned today that you can’t run through a campground… But you can’t run past tense.” The sand exploded in radiant light on “tense,” and Baron simply stood there and stared. The jokes, Dadrith explained, “are passed down from dad to dad.”

Lightning and Holy Coconuts

The son pulled a mace topped with a fuzzy coconut from under his Hawaiian shirt and swung three times, glancing off Baron’s armor each time. “It’s okay, son,” said Dadrith. “I’m not angry. I’m just disappointed.” The Grandmaster remarked that she might need to see her therapist again. The Arbiter suggested she could always just visit her dad in the graveyard, and she firmly declined.

Baron struck back with “A menage a Voltágè!” and split into four giant Barons stomping around the tiny island, which the Grandmaster called insane and wonderful. Lightning arced between the four of them and up into a gathering cloud, then crashed down on Dadrith. The blast fizzled, so the Grandmaster gave it another try, because “That show deserves a bigger boom.” It still landed small. The Arbiter pulled off his own black Chuck Taylors and tossed them to Dadrith so the cleric could keep up. Dadrith took a sprinter’s stance and announced “Dispel is Dispel” as he tried to unravel Baron’s magic. The Acolytes threw popcorn and voted in his favor. The Grandmaster doubted their judgment but accepted it, and the mirror images shattered. “Now it’s time that you stop reflecting and actuate,” Dadrith told him.

“Come on, son. Make me proud,” Dadrith urged, and a coconut finally landed with a hollow ring. “Yes, Papa.” Baron then opened a lightning thruster in the back of his armor and rocketed into the air. Dadrith swung a “You stay here!” at him as he left and only kicked sand into his own face. Next he sacrificed his crossbow to the Box (“I’m glad that’s off… my chest”), and the Arbiter told the box, “This is what you were born for. This is why I created you.” Out rose a pair of winged boots. “I’m sorry, referee. I will be wearing the boots instead.”

Up in the air, the newspaper spanked Baron’s feet. Then the son landed a perfect, critical coconut strike that sent a crimson waterfall down into the sand. “Thank you, Papa.” The Arbiter called for a break after that nasty critical, and the Grandmaster, looking at her coconut drink, considered getting a pineapple instead.

A Blackened Soul

After the break, the pronunciation war resumed (“Like when I say I go to Targè. Instead of Target.”). Baron promised to tuck his entrails back in before things got spicy, and the Grandmaster granted him her blessing: “Don’t make me regret it.” Dadrith turned his newspaper into a wise, spectacled father figure offering gentle words. The Grandmaster called it what the arena is for: “to truly find ourselves, to ground, to correct, to build in strength.”

Dadrith gave his opponent a pep talk. “Hit me as hard as you can.” Baron replied, “Going to, but not because you want me to, because I want to.” Then, with a bloody smirk, Baron spread his arms, dropped backward out of the sky and cried, “Grandmaster, I offer you the most valuable thing in my possession, my blackened soul!” He dove straight into the Box of Chaos. Black lightning crackled, thunder cracked and the clouds darkened. Offered a giant’s belt or the Ring of Three Wishes, Baron took the ring. Inside the box, a fire burned his soul clean out of his body.

The Box spat him onto the sand and dissipated at the Grandmaster’s order. Baron’s first wish restored him completely, with black, pulsating goo filling his wounds and smoke seeping from his armor. “Now, all the pain you have inflicted on me, Dadrith, I will return to you tenfold!” Dadrith kept killing him with kindness. “I’m so proud of your growth now that you’ve sold your soul and you have a ring… I unfortunately have to hit you with my mace.” His first mace blow of the night was a natural 20, wreathed in holy fire.

Storm and Sharks

A storm rolled in like drums, and lightning struck both champions. The Grandmaster finally said “Voltágè” correctly and favored the electric Baron in the downpour. Then the Arbiter decided they were “a little too light on your feet” and cranked up the gravity. The eternal turtle sank beneath the waves. Both champions plunged into the sea, too heavy to fly, while shark fins circled. In the Grandmaster’s words, “They’ll hold their line, but if you cross into it, you may become a snack.” The son dove under the crushing weight, and the sharks tore him to shreds. The newspaper dissolved too.

The Grill

Baron spent his second wish on lightning far stronger than anything he had thrown before, and it hit Dadrith hard, though he stayed up. Then he teleported deep into the murky water, hidden even from the sharks. Dadrith’s “dad vision” found him anyway. Coals flew from Dadrith’s hands, an ethereal grill closed around Baron, and his metal armor cooked him. The heat boiled away enough water for one gargled curse.

Dadrith’s face went stoic, and he added his tears to the salt sea. “This isn’t right.” He called on Moxie and the Eternal Fathers: “let this one live and take me instead.” The Grandmaster, moved, widened his chances, and the Acolytes picked the numbers. The fathers did not answer. Dadrith swam to the sinking body anyway: “Come. You are someone’s son. Hold on. Don’t give up.” Baron gave him one final scowl as the ring glowed, then drifted into the dark.

One hundred and twenty days later, a shark beached itself on the turtle, gasped and went still. A robotic fist burst out of its stomach, and a cloned Baron Voltágè crawled forth. “Ah, Dadrith!” His last wish had gone on that clone, with the shark as its vessel, and out of spite his survival was kept a secret.

Remembrance

Believing Baron dead, the Grandmaster ordered the Arbiter to lay a memento on the beach. He asked whether the name was Bartholomew and complained that a lot of people die in this arena. She would hear none of it: “We may not be able to say it with the perfect accent, but we will say his name… for no fight is unseen by us all.” Dadrith rose on his winged boots as champion. “I know that your dads love you,” he told the crowd, and then: “You can all call me Dad!” The crowd chanted “Dad! Dad!”

Dried Blood

After the show, the Arbiter went to place Baron’s headstone on the island and quietly retrieved the Box of Chaos. He carried it back to his laboratory, took Baron’s blackened soul and shoved it into a metal automaton he had built for his army. The Grandmaster warned that Baron might have to fight himself someday. Dadrith pointed out that this technically made Baron a father.

Notable Moments

• Doug burst from behind the throne in an avalanche of half-price Valentine’s wrappers.
• Dadrith summoned his “son” by commanding the sun, and the son ended up in a Hawaiian shirt swinging a holy coconut.
• Baron became the first champion ever to sacrifice his own soul to the Box of Chaos.
• The Arbiter sank the eternal turtle and dropped both champions into shark-filled water.
• The winner wept and begged his gods to take his life instead of his enemy’s.
• A cloned Baron punched his way out of a beached shark 120 days later.

Memorable Quotes

• The Arbiter: “Who the fuck is Thomas?”
• Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer: “The Acolytes know you don’t buy candy before Valentine’s Day. You buy it after.”
• Baron Voltágè: “No, it’s Voltágè! It’s said the exact way it’s spelt!”
• Dadrith: “It’s okay, son. I’m not angry. I’m just disappointed.”
• Baron Voltágè: “Going to, but not because you want me to, because I want to.”
• Baron Voltágè: “I offer you the most valuable thing in my possession, my blackened soul!”
• The Arbiter: “There’s a lot of people that die in this arena. I’m supposed to remember the names?”
• Dadrith: “You can all call me Dad!”

Who and What Appears

Characters

Dadrith (DreadedGM). A cleric, “dad of dads,” who travels the multiverse spreading “the ideals of fatherhood” and collecting dad jokes “passed down from dad to dad.”

• Mission: fathers who don’t live up to fatherhood “face my wrath.”
• Faith: prays to “Moxie and the Eternal Fathers” (deity names as heard). He has magic resistance and Divine Strike (fire).
• Spells and powers:
  • The “dad point” (Silvery Barbs).
  • The rolled-up newspaper (spiritual weapon), which later becomes a spectacled, wise-words father.
  • His “son,” the summoned sun-celestial.
  • Word of Radiance delivered as a dad joke; Dispel Magic (“Dispel is Dispel”); heat metal as an ethereal grill.
  • “Dad vision.”
• Gear:
  • Mace and shield.
  • A crossbow, sacrificed to the Box of Chaos.
  • Winged boots from the Box.
  • He was given the Arbiter’s black Chuck Taylors, then said he’d wear the boots “instead.”
• In this episode: he tried to give his own life to save Baron, and wept into the sea. He won. Calls the crowd “You can all call me Dad!”

Dadrith’s son, the celestial (summoned).

• Appearance: solar-colored, Fabio hair, floral Hawaiian shirt.
• Weapon: a mace topped with a fuzzy “holy coconut.”
• Lines: calls Dadrith “Papa.”
• Fate: landed a crit; torn apart by the sharks when the gravity pulled it into the water.

Baron Voltágè (TalesofPesh). Insists on the pronunciation (“said the exact way it’s spelt”). The family name is “Barovian.”

• Titles and build:
  • “The elitist of electricity, the supplier of shock.”
  • A halfling (uses the halfling Lucky trait; “manlet shoulders”).
  • An artificer in transforming Iron Man-like armor with a back thruster. Has a defensive field, Flash of Genius, gloves of ogre strength and teleport boots.
• Grudge: calls Dadrith a long-standing “thorn in my side” (unexplained).
• In this episode:
  • Sacrificed his “blackened soul” to the Box of Chaos for the Ring of Three Wishes. He no longer has a soul.
  • Wishes used: (1) full heal, after which black goo filled his wounds and black smoke poured from his armor; (2) an 8th-level Call Lightning; (3) clone.
  • Killed by heat metal underwater.
  • 120 days later, a clone burst from a beached shark on the turtle, unknown to Dadrith and possibly the GM and Arbiter.
• Dried Blood epilogue: the Arbiter took Baron’s soul from the Box to his laboratory and put it in a metal automaton/golem for his army.
• The GM’s favor: she bet on him and granted him Bless.

Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer (Caustic Phoenix).

• Candy: hoards half-price post-Valentine’s candy behind her throne.
• Family: “I laid my father to rest like 800 years ago.” She jokes about her therapist.
• Doug: defends him as “the cutest thing.”
• Champion pay: wants to see champions actually paid out of the set-aside treasure.
• Vacation: wants a beach holiday.
• Remembrance: gave the speech on remembering every champion’s name.

The Arbiter (Mudcat).

• Duties: does the auditing and cold-calls champions.
• Appearance: wears black-and-white referee robes and black Chuck Taylors.
• Doug: feuds with him (“A monstrous dog”).
• Powers: increased the arena’s gravity and sank the turtle.
• Names: bad with them (“Bartholomew?”). He was ordered to lay a memento for Baron.
• Dried Blood: keeps a laboratory and is building an army.

Doug. The GM’s undead dog; “he can eat chocolate… what is it gonna do, kill him again.” He hides behind the throne with the candy wrappers. The GM’s chaos die is “what Doug will roll.” He doesn’t like the Arbiter. The GM throws him a bone.

Thomas. Named by the GM (“Did Thomas tell you?”); unidentified.

The goblins. Possibly suspected of telling the Arbiter about the candy (speaker uncertain).

The eternal turtle. A giant turtle that swims “through the endless sea” with an island on its back. It “grants you passage for now” but can’t bear two champions for long. It sank under the Arbiter’s gravity.

The sharks. They circle the fighters and “know the smell of blood.” They hold their line but eat anything that crosses it. They shredded the celestial, and one became Baron’s clone vessel.

Places

• Elusia’s throne room, with a hallway filled with doors leading to arenas.
• The endless sea and the island on the eternal turtle’s back: brush and foliage, scalding sand, bones underfoot, the shell for cover, hidden treasure, crabs. Baron’s memento/headstone was laid on its beach (“the island of the Grandmaster,” Dried Blood).
• The open ocean around the turtle: deep, murky water full of sharks.
• Barovia: Baron’s family origin.
• The Arbiter’s laboratory (Dried Blood).

Items

• The Box of Chaos: pink, with yellow and pink flames. It gives items for sacrifices, and its fire burned Baron’s soul out. It was buried/dissipated after use; in Dried Blood the Arbiter retrieves it.
• Ring of Three Wishes (all three charges used). A belt of cloud giant strength was offered and refused.
• Winged boots.
• The Arbiter’s black Chuck Taylors.
• The GM’s Valentine’s candy; the Acolytes’ umbrella coconut drinks.

Lore statements

• Champions are promised “all the money or wishes that you want,” paid from set-aside treasure.
• The Acolytes come from places of “cold and ice and snow” (as said in the GM’s address).
• The Box of Chaos can take a soul.

Full Round-by-Round

Every beat of the episode, with timestamps (click to expand)

Opening: the Valentine’s Day candy

1. 0:00:14 The Arbiter arrives and asks the Grandmaster for “a piece of that.” She asks how he knew. He points out all the wrappers. Someone asks “Did the goblins tell you?” (speaker uncertain), and the GM says “Did Thomas tell you? Doug!” The Arbiter: “Who the fuck is Thomas?”
2. 0:00:40 The Grandmaster quickly shuffles the last of her Valentine’s Day candy behind her throne and insists there is none left. If anyone sees her eating later, it’s because she bought more.
3. 0:00:58 The Arbiter suggests she’s “being a little childish.” She asks if he is judging her intake. He backs down: “You are consuming the correct amount of candy at all times. I forgot.”
4. 0:01:19 She tells him that, since he is doing the auditing, she bought it 50% off: “The Acolytes know you don’t buy candy before Valentine’s Day. You buy it after.” He should have bought his own.
5. 0:02:03 In his excitement, Doug pounces out from behind the throne, and a pile of chocolate wrappers sprawls across the floor.
   • The Arbiter: “he’s an undead dog he can eat chocolate… what is it gonna do kill him again.”
   • The GM says the Arbiter doesn’t like Doug. He says Doug doesn’t like him, and “makes it very clear every time he rolls higher than me.”
   • Doug gives the GM huge puppy eyes. She calls him “clearly the cutest thing and you’re a monster.” The Arbiter insists he’s “cool” about it. GM: “Did you describe yourself as cool?”
6. 0:03:25 — Recruiting. The Arbiter admits that this week’s champions are “a little odd.” It’s getting harder to find people willing to fight to the death. He cold-calls, and people say no.
   • The GM reminds him that they offer champions “all the money or wishes that you want”, and “That’s what we set aside some of the treasure for.”
   • Arbiter: “all of that money seems to be going to candy.”
   • GM: “I want to start seeing that you’re actually paying our actual champions as you’re supposed to. We’ll be following up on this later.”

The champions

7. 0:04:38 “For your Deathmatch pleasure… may I present Dadrith versus Baron Voltágè.” The Arbiter stumbles over the name.
8. 0:05:02 — Dadrith: “I am Dadrith, dad of dads. I bring the ideals of fatherhood all across the multiverse and I’m here today to teach you a lesson, son.”
   • Baron: “Son?” The Arbiter: “He’s not my father.” Baron: “Clearly, I’m the elder here.”
   • GM: “I laid my father to rest like 800 years ago.” She looks at Dadrith for a moment (“are you my father?”) and decides no.
9. 0:05:55 — Baron Voltágè: he will “finally put down this thorn in my side. You’ve been here for too long. You’re going to pay, Dadrith, for what you did to my strong hand today.” Then: “the elitist of electricity, the supplier of shock, Baron Voltágè.” (Transcribed “Baloron.”)
   • GM: “Is he okay? Does he need some water?” Baron: “Only if you want to give me an unfair advantage against this whelp.”
10. 0:06:45 — The pronunciation gag. The Arbiter asks whether it’s just “voltage.”
    • Baron: “No, it’s Voltágè! It’s said the exact way it’s spelt!”
    • The GM repeats “Voltage” dozens of times trying to get it right.
    • The Arbiter asks whether it’s a family name, or German. The answer is “It’s Barovian.” The Arbiter: “have you ever been to Barovia, Grandmaster?”
    • GM: “Is it really just a fancy way of saying voltage?” Arbiter: “I think this guy might just be an electrician.”
    • Baron: “Enough! I did not come here to be belittled!” The GM apologizes and promises respect.
11. 0:08:25 Asked about his battles, Dadrith says: “everyone that tries to be a father that does not live up to the ideals of fatherhood faces my wrath.” The GM likes “a good value to the heart.”

The arena: the eternal turtle

13. 0:08:49 — The vacation. The GM has been talking about a vacation: “A little sand, a little beach… palm tree waving over a fruity coconut drink.” The Arbiter proposes they “double dip”: watch people fight to the death, “get a pina colada, dip our toes in the water.” The GM waves him down the hallway filled with doors.
14. 0:09:32 The Arbiter rips a tear in space. Out waft the smell of sea salt and the sound of seagulls (“That wasn’t a seagull sound.” “Close enough.”).
15. 0:09:49 — The GM’s welcome. “Welcome, dear champions, to the endless sea… for the eternal turtle grants you passage for now.”
    • “The burden of two champions is quite heavy, so it will not bear the weight of both of you for long. One of you will have to kick the other off and claim yourself king of this island or queen or whatever title you want.”
16. 0:10:34 — What the island offers.
    • “The shell of cover, the bones that crack beneath your feet,” and hidden treasures.
    • “All that glitters is not always gold, perhaps something worth even more to you in this sand.”
    • Her wings open and blow up a poof of sand, and she flies up.
17. 0:11:13 — The Acolytes circle overhead, chanting, with coconut drinks with tiny umbrellas in every color (or crazy straws). They are sloshing drinks and putting on sunscreen.
    • GM: “Acolytes! Today, we bring you to the warmth of the sun… Originally in the cold and ice and snow, find yourself and seek the warmth of blood, of violence.”
    • She takes her seat and throws a bone to Doug.

The Box of Chaos and the burning sand

19. 0:12:23 — The Box of Chaos. The Arbiter snaps his fingers. A large pink box with yellow and pink flames flips open and explodes onto the edge of the island. “The box provides magical items to champions… but it demands a sacrifice.”
20. 0:13:29 The Acolytes have already triggered a chaos event. The GM lets Dadrith roll it because he’s been “impressing me with the puns.” For starting positions, Baron lands right by the Box of Chaos, and Dadrith lands in the brush across the island.
21. 0:14:57 — Chaos event: the floor is lava.
    • A sizzle, then an ashy smell, then heat. “It’s your feet that are starting to burn.” The sand is “so hot… you might as well call it lava.”
    • Dex saves. Baron uses Flash of Genius to boost his. GM: “you’ve got a fancy sounding name, so I’m sold.”
    • Dadrith casts Silvery Barbs, which he plays as “the dad point.” Lights gather in his finger, and the point is meant to distract Baron. Baron still rolls 19 (“That’s why you’re the genius”). Dadrith takes the advantage for himself.
    • Both take a small initial burn. The sand stays hot for two rounds until “the sea breeze as our eternal turtle flies through the ocean” cools it.
22. 0:19:06 Baron hops onto the Box of Chaos with a little trail of sparks (“That’s a cute hop. We like that.”). Dadrith moves off the sand.
23. 0:19:19 Initiative goes to Baron (23), with Dadrith on 7. The Acolytes award one hero point each. GM: “There is nothing that angers me more… than seeing a hero point wasted.”

Before round 1: the son is summoned

24. 0:20:24 Dadrith spends his hero point immediately.
    • He warns Baron off the box: “do not touch that chest or I’ll get very cross with you… Its contents are mine.” He draws his crossbow.
    • He points at the sun: “Sun, come forth.” He casts Summon Celestial (defender) next to Baron. This is the son/sun pun. GM: “you are now commanding the sun as if it were your son.”
25. 0:21:16 — The son’s look.
    • A beautiful, solar-colored celestial spirit that does a slow-motion Fabio hair flick.
    • It wears a deep-V shirt (“to the belly button”). On the GM’s suggestion, it switches to a big floral-print Hawaiian shirt.
26. 0:22:35 The celestial readies its reaction to stop Baron opening the chest. Dadrith: “Do not let him, son, open that chest.”

Round 1

27. 0:23:18 — Baron’s power-up.
    • “Cute, but I have no need for whatever meager trinket lie within this chest. Now to begin my unnecessary power-up sequence!”
    • He flexes his “little manlet shoulders.” His suit deploys piece by piece in slow motion, Iron Man-style, as he casts enlarge on himself. He stands there making loud Dragon Ball Z noises. Someone calls out “His power is over 9,000!”
    • His artificer defensive field gives him 11 temporary HP.
28. 0:24:34 GM: “he said it was unnecessary, but ultimately the show really matters… I’m putting my money on him.”
    • The Arbiter wonders whether this is his final form. GM: “I’ve been watching some Dragon Ball Z, but I’m not that good with the commentary on it yet.” Then: “He’s 30,000!”
29. 0:25:17 — The newspaper. Dadrith spins his hands as if winding something up, with a sound of warping paper, and a rolled-up newspaper appears next to Baron. This is a 5th-level spiritual weapon.
    • GM: “Some of us are going to have a little childhood trauma flashbacks right now.”
    • It hits (with advantage from Silvery Barbs). The force damage is mostly absorbed by Baron’s temporary HP. Baron just keeps screaming while his armor keeps extending.
30. 0:28:01 Dadrith runs “down the spine” toward the chest, keeping off the sand. GM: “A little crab walks out and then he stops because he’s cooked.” He jumps a stretch of sand with an Athletics check, shouting “Daddy’s coming!”
31. 0:30:10 — The first dad joke (Word of Radiance).
    • Dadrith: “I learned today that you can’t run through a campground. Do you know why, Baron?… But you can’t run past tense.” The radiance bursts on “tense.”
    • He uses Silvery Barbs again (“No, no, no! Pass tense!”). Baron still passes. Sand explodes around him as he tanks it and stares.
    • Dadrith: “Come on, it was a good one!” GM: “You actually like these jokes?” Dadrith: “They are passed down from dad to dad. I travel the multiverse looking for the best ones.”
32. 0:32:27 — The holy coconut. The celestial pulls a mace from under its Hawaiian shirt with a fuzzy coconut on the end. All three swings glance off Baron’s extending armor (AC 20). Baron: “Pathetic.”
    • Dadrith: “It’s okay, son. I’m not angry. I’m just disappointed.” “That hurts the most.”
33. 0:35:02 GM: “I’m remembering a lot of these conversations. Maybe I should go see my therapist again.”
    • Arbiter: “You could always just go visit your dad. In the graveyard.” GM: “Not gonna, no, no. Arbiter, just roll your dice.”
    • He rolls a 7: “suck it, Doug.” He calls Doug “a monstrous dog.” GM: “He’s a dog.”

Round 2

34. 0:35:55 — A ménage à Voltágè. Electricity courses over Baron’s armor. “Some very cute tricks, but how about you try this on for size? A menage a Voltágè!”
    • He casts mirror image and splits into four. GM: “four barons of enlarged size stomping around this tiny island… This is insane and I love it.”
35. 0:36:44 — Baron’s hero point. He uses it for a second spell. The four Barons stretch their arms toward each other and lightning surges between them. He punches up at the sky, the lightning arcs into a gathering cloud, and Call Lightning strikes Dadrith.
    • Dadrith saves, and the dice come up pitiful. The GM, “having seen this show that you put on,” lets him reroll one d10: “That show deserves a bigger boom.” It’s still a small hit.
    • He renews his defensive field.
36. 0:39:48 — The Arbiter’s shoes. “Dadrith! Here. Borrow these.” The Arbiter lifts his black-and-white referee robes, pulls off his black Chuck Taylors and throws them to Dadrith, giving him +10 ft movement: “You’re way too slow. Good pair of chucks and I’ll fix that right up.” GM: “I hope those don’t smell.”
37. 0:40:33 — “Dispel is Dispel.” Dadrith takes a track runner’s stance, sprints and kicks back sand, and draws his shield and mace. He fakes an attack, then casts Dispel Magic with the pun “Dispel is Dispel” (“this spell is dispel”).
    • The Acolytes throw popcorn. The GM polls them, nat 1 or nat 20, and enough say 20 that he gets advantage. GM: “I’m now doubting the judgment of my acolytes, but they have spoken.”
    • The Arbiter turns it into a spell-attack roll-off. Dadrith wins, and the mirror images shatter.
38. 0:43:35 Baron: “Oh, what is this? My unnecessary charge-up sequence?” Dadrith: “Now it’s time that you stop reflecting and actuate.”
39. 0:43:47 — “Make me proud.” The newspaper misses. Dadrith tells the son: “come on, son. Make me proud.” One coconut finally lands with a hollow ring.
    • Dadrith: “I’m proud of you, son.” He gains temporary HP from the bond.
    • The son: “Yes, Papa.” GM: “It’s a beautiful moment, but we’re done with it… Enough crying on this field.” The Arbiter rolls a 12.

Round 3

40. 0:46:42 — Iron Man flight. Baron: “I’m going to make you pay for wasting so much of my time, Dadrith!”
    • His armor opens at the back to reveal a thruster crackling with lightning as he casts fly. GM: “Hello, Iron Man.”
    • He renews his barrier and flies straight up 30 ft.
    • Opportunity attacks: Dadrith swings with a hooking motion, “You stay here!”, and the son swings too. GM: “Will the son surpass the father?” Both miss. The swing kicks sand into Dadrith’s own face.
41. 0:48:46 — The crossbow sacrifice. The sand has cooled.
    • Dadrith: “I’m glad that’s off… my chest.” He tosses his crossbow into the Box of Chaos. GM: “I was half worried that you were going to toss your son in.”
    • The Arbiter, to the box: “This is what you were born for. This is why I created you.”
    • The son lends advantage: “Come on, Papa. You can do it.” The rolls are high.
42. 0:50:46 The box slams shut, then rips open in a burst of flames that give no heat, just a flash of light. Out rise a pair of winged boots (flight, 30 ft, up to four hours).
    • Dadrith: “I’m sorry, referee. I will be wearing the boots instead.”
    • Arbiter: “I can’t believe you rolled flying boots after he started flying.” Dadrith: “You can fly! I can fly too!”
43. 0:51:46 Dadrith flies up face to face with Baron. His mace clinks off.
44. 0:52:30 — The spanking. The newspaper swings up to “try and spank you.”
    • GM: “Where would you like to be spanked, Baron?” Baron: “It’s up to the attacker.”
    • Dadrith has it hit Baron’s feet, for solid force damage.
45. 0:54:15 — The critical coconut. The angel (it has 40 ft flight) lands two coconut strikes, one a nat 20, for about 40 radiant damage. “I’m proud of you, I really am.” The angel: “Thank you, Papa.”
    • Baron: “Oh, you little wimp.”
    • GM: “It’s a small… waterfall going down into the sand, dying all this crimson down below. It’s fine… it’s just a flesh wound.”
46. 0:56:26 — The break. The Arbiter needs a break after “that nasty critical.” The GM wants a refill of her coconut drink. She looks at her coconut, realizing coconuts were the weapon of choice: “Maybe I’ll go get a pineapple instead.”

After the break

47. 0:56:52 “Welcome back, Acolytes, to the arena for the conclusion…”
    • Name trouble again. GM: “Like when I say I go to Targè. Instead of Target.” Arbiter: “Volage, eh?” Baron: “Voltage!”
    • GM: “They will call you Mr. Baron.” “Baron Voltage!” The Arbiter gets a pen to write it down phonetically.
48. 0:58:07 Dadrith: “I have not figured out how to say your name. And then you did that sparky thing and it struck me. Lightning struck me.” GM: “That one flew right over my head.”
49. 0:58:45 — Pre-interviews.
    • Baron: “I’m going to start tucking my entrails back in, and then I promise you… things are going to get spicy.”
    • GM: “I told you early on that I was rooting for you, and I don’t want you to not only disappoint me, but embarrass me.” She grants Baron Bless for two rounds: “You have my favor… Don’t make me regret it.”
50. 0:59:34 Dadrith: “Fatherhood is strong. However… I got overwhelmed in this deathmatch, so I believe that I need to change my approach.”
    • He tells the newspaper: “you were never needed… Be a father instead!” It transforms into a wizened father with cupped hands and spectacles: “Just tell me how you’re feeling. I’m here to help you with my wise words.”
    • GM: “This is what I like to see in the arena. It’s our chance to truly find ourselves, to ground, to correct, to build in strength.”
51. 1:00:47 GM to the Arbiter: “Do you know that four comes after three?”

Round 4: the soul sacrifice

52. 1:01:01 — The pep talk.
    • Dadrith: “Baron! I believe in you, Baron. Hit me as hard as you can.”
    • Baron: “Going to, but not because you want me to, because I want to.” Dadrith: “Of course, this is your choice.”
    • Baron: “It is my choice, and I’m going to follow through with it.”
    • Dadrith: “Make me proud… You make me proud no matter what, even if you do miss.”
    • GM: “This is very rare that you get such a great pep talk from your opponent.”
53. 1:01:52 Baron coughs up blood and tucks his guts back into his armor. He smirks at Dadrith through the blood on his chin, spreads his arms, and drops backward, plummeting toward the chest.
    • Dadrith: “I would not be doing you any favors if I made this easier on you, Baron.” His opportunity attack misses “with a proud look.” The angel misses too (“a little lasso of… coconuts”).
54. 1:03:47 — The soul. Baron: “Grandmaster, I offer you the most valuable thing in my possession, my blackened soul!”
    • He dives straight into the Box of Chaos. A flash of black lightning crackles over it, a thundercrack sounds, and the clouds darken.
    • GM: “That is a hefty price to pay.” He gets double advantage.
55. 1:05:15 — The choice. Because he sacrificed his soul, the Arbiter offers a choice. (“Grandmaster, are you sure we have to give him these items?” “We have to. They’ve earned it. He gave his soul.”)
    • The choice: a belt of cloud giant strength or a ring of three wishes.
    • He already wears gloves of ogre strength, so he takes the Ring of Three Wishes. GM: “Be ever careful… As with any wish, the wording must be particular.”
56. 1:06:34 — The burning. The lid slams shut: darkness and flames.
    • “For the first time, you didn’t feel the heat from the outside, but inside you feel it burning. It almost burns your soul clean out of your body… Your soul just flies out the back of your body… you no longer have a soul.”
    • The box spits him onto the sand in a puff of flame, with the ring on his hand.
57. 1:07:18 GM: “the Box of Chaos has perhaps introduced enough chaos… Bury the box deep, deep into the ground. Or in the turtle, the eternal turtle.” The box snaps shut and dissipates. (Aside from the GM: “Oh, ask for all the Valentine’s Day candy.”)
58. 1:07:57 — First wish. Baron wishes to regain all hit points.
    • He crawls out with his armor blackened and seeping black smoke. His wounds are filled in by “this black pulsating goo.”
    • “Now, all the pain you have inflicted on me, Dadrith, I will return to you tenfold!” He flies 30 ft away and renews his barrier. He is now at full health.
59. 1:09:43 — Killing with kindness. Dadrith: “I will keep testing you then.”
    • The father-newspaper offers wise words (“you don’t have to be so aggressive with your exchanges”), and they hit for solid force damage. GM: “the classic killing them with kindness.”
    • The angel flies out “to bring divine justice to this very angry boy” and lands two hits, 34 radiant. GM: “Your Celestial is getting better each time. He’s learning… I’m so proud of you!”
60. 1:12:39 — The mace finally lands. Dadrith flies beside Baron, “just… be there, present.”
    • “I’m so proud of your growth now that you’ve sold your soul and you have a ring. You’re quite amazing. I unfortunately have to hit you with my mace.”
    • Nat 20 on his first mace hit of the night, with Divine Strike fire, for 23. The GM notes his many nat 20s. Baron holds concentration on fly. GM: “You don’t look very good.”

Chaos events: the storm and the Arbiter’s gravity

61. 1:15:32 — The storm. The Arbiter rolls a 2, but first another chaos event fires.
    • The sun fades. Thunder rolls “like drums rolling over and over.” A torrential downpour and dark clouds come overhead, and lightning strikes both fighters.
    • The GM says “Voltágè” confidently at last, and gives him advantage: “you are familiar and work with lightning.”
    • Dadrith asks about his magic resistance. GM: “It is not magic. This is just nature doing its thing.” Dadrith: “It’s primordial.”
    • Dadrith Silvery Barbs Baron again (“I can’t let you off easy”). Baron counters with his halfling Lucky trait (“offling ratio trait” in the transcript).
    • Both take half damage. “This storm rages on like the Acolytes cheering… energized by their intensity.”
62. 1:18:52 — Doug’s roll. The GM: “Let us see what Doug will roll.” It’s an 8, “enough, Arbiter, for you to bring your own chaos.”
63. 1:19:07 — Gravity. The Arbiter cracks his knuckles: “You’re feeling a little too light on your feet.”
    • He increases the gravity. The atmosphere presses down, and the eternal turtle sinks into the ocean. Con saves; Baron’s Flash of Genius isn’t enough, and both fail.
    • Both plummet into the sea, unable to fly under the weight. Shark fins circle them. “The two of you look into each other’s eyes and you realize this is pretty fucked up.”
    • Initiative is rerolled: Baron 11, Dadrith 4.
64. 1:21:14 GM: “These sharks, they do know the smell of blood. They’ll hold their line, but if you cross into it, you may become a snack.”
    • (The shark tokens don’t show on the map. GM: “They’re invisible… a very special kind of shark… known for their camouflage.”)
65. 1:22:48 — The son is lost. Concentration saves.
    • The celestial dives into the water under the gravity and the sharks rip it to shreds.
    • The spiritual weapon also dissipates under the force.

The last round in the water

66. 1:23:58 — The 8th-level lightning. Baron: “It would seem you’re at a bit of a tactical disadvantage now.”
    • Darkness envelops him and his eyes crackle with lightning as he channels the storm. He uses the ring to cast Call Lightning at 8th level, with an extra die from the raging storm.
    • Dadrith fails the save and takes 51 lightning damage. He is still up. GM: “He’s been holding back.”
67. 1:25:50 Dadrith: “that was pretty shocking. Let’s heat things up.”
68. 1:26:29 — Into the depths. Baron’s artificer teleport boots (called “Boots of Trash” at the table, displayed only as “Boots”) teleport him 15 ft down into the water. GM: “This is a bold strategy, Cotton.”
    • The sharks are none the wiser. In the murky deep water, his stealth is good.
69. 1:28:47 — Dad vision. The Arbiter wants a real perception roll: “Fuck passive perception… Rolling dice is fun.” Nat 20.
    • Dadrith: “With my dad vision, I’ll keep a track of you!”
    • Arbiter: “You Doctor Strange this, you see 14 million different outcomes.”
70. 1:29:32 — The grill. Coals appear in Dadrith’s hands, fly to Baron and wrap around him, and an ethereal grill comes down. He casts 5th-level heat metal on Baron’s metal armor, for 27 fire damage. Baron falls.
71. 1:30:54 — Last words. GM: “What final words slip from your lips as you begin to fall?”
    • A gargled “DAMN YOU, [Dadrith?]!” (transcribed “DAMN YOU DON’T WORK!”). The heat metal boils away enough water to make a bubble around him so he can shout.
72. 1:31:39 — Divine intervention. Dadrith’s face goes stoic and sad. “Surrounded by salt water, he adds to the salt water with his own tears.”
    • “This isn’t right.” He calls to all the dads and uses Divine Intervention: “let this one live and take me instead.”
    • The GM (“You’re a dad. This feels for you”) widens the odds to 20 numbers.
    • The Acolytes pick the range. Pesh abstains because the Baron gave his soul to the Grandmaster. Chat users Dreadlord and Dag both pick 25–44.
    • Prayer: “Moxie and the Eternal Fathers protect me instead of Baron and guide Baron on a better path.” He also asks them to “guide him and teach him.”
    • The roll is 63, and the intervention fails. Dadrith nods: “He’s taking another one. Another son.”
73. 1:34:58 — The ring. Dadrith sees the Ring of Three Wishes glint on Baron’s lifeless hand as the body drifts down, and swims for it.
    • The bubble has grown enough to speak underwater. Dadrith: “Come. You are someone’s son. Hold on. Don’t give up.”
    • Baron makes his save and is conscious enough for one last act.
74. 1:36:58 — The scowl and the clone. Baron gives Dadrith one final scowl. The ring glows briefly, he coughs blood into the water once more, and he drifts away into the darkness.
    • “But unknown to Dadrith and possibly even the Grandmaster and the Arbiter, 120 days later, one of the sharks… beaches itself on top of the turtle.” It gasps, convulses and goes still.
    • “A robotic fist bursts out of the shark’s stomach. And then a cloned Baron Voltágè crawls forth out of the shark.” He used his third wish to cast clone, with the shark as the container. Baron: “Ah, Dadrith!”
    • GM (narration): “Your survival will be kept in secret till the two of you meet again in total surprise, I imagine.”
75. 1:38:31 — The memento. Believing Baron dead, the Grandmaster waves the clouds away.
    • She orders the Arbiter: “Go to the beach and lay down a memento. Something of kindness to remember. Our dear, kind, brave, Baron Voltágè.”
    • Arbiter: “Was his name Bartholomew?” GM: “No. Not even close.” She wants it phonetically spelled underneath.
    • Arbiter: “There’s a lot of people that die in this arena. I’m supposed to remember the names?”
76. 1:39:33 — The GM’s speech on remembrance. “I don’t want your excuses… Their names may be difficult, but today they fought. And you will remember his name. On that sand… his blood covers those sands.”
    • To the Acolytes: “We may not be able to say it with the perfect accent, but we will say his name. We will remember it for every champion that enters my halls, for every bone broken and blood spilled on sand, dirt, and in water… for no fight is unseen by us all. And we will take their hopes, their inspirations, their intensity with us as we go through our lives.”
77. 1:40:54 — The victory. Dadrith: “That was just so well said. Thank you.”
    • The GM: “your heart was in it through and through.” Dadrith uses his boots to rise before the Acolytes.
    • Dadrith: “I know that your dads love you.”
    • GM: “May this be a fight to remember that we fight for what we love, the values that we hold, and that we never forget who we are.” She presents him “in a bit of a Jeopardy sort of way.”
    • Dadrith: “You can all call me Dad!” The crowd chants “Dad! Dad!”
    • “Welcome and good night to D20 Deathmatch!”

Full Dried Blood notes (click to expand)

In-world content (canon, Dried Blood)

• 1:48:09 — Mudcat’s epilogue (in-world narration, Dried Blood). Pesh begins: “[the clone] of Baron Voltágè is probably property of Grandmaster and Arbiter now.” Mudcat then narrates:
  • “as the Arbiter goes to place your headstone on the island of the Grandmaster,
  • “He’s going to retrieve the Box of Chaos and he’s going to take it back to his laboratory where he is going to take your soul and put it into a metal like automaton… golem… for his army.
  • “So he’s going to take your black soul and shove it into this metallic body that he’s created.”
• Caustic Phoenix: “You may have to fight yourself in the future.”
• Dread: “technically you became a father at that point… you were the first soul and then there’s the second soul.”

Out-of-character (creator notes)

• Pesh played Baron as a “Saturday morning cartoon villain trope.” Caustic Phoenix saw chat calling him “young Frankenstein energy, crazy scientist.”
• Pesh was also on a special-event 2v2 episode that aired on Dread’s channel, not D20’s, where he did a Macho Man Randy Savage voice the whole time. Mudcat didn’t realize Pesh is Australian. Pesh: “I used to live in Canada, so I could blend in.”
• This was Dread’s first time. He decided on a cleric, hit the random name generator, and got “Dadrith,” so the character became all about dad stuff. Quote: “you can easily design a character to win, but it’s better to design a character that’s going to be fun and entertaining.”
• Pesh built Baron with high AC and saves to tank “five or six attacks every turn.” It was his first level 11 artificer. Clone was near the top of the alphabetical list of 8th-level spells in a D&D Beyond tab, and showed “bright green.”
• Box of Chaos history (Mudcat): “we’ve had people use their own blood, cut off an antler, give up weapons or… precious mementos. We’ve never had someone jump into the box and sacrifice their own soul.”
• Dread on Dadrith’s family: “I actually want to know who Dadrith’s child is… How many kids he actually has… that secret backstory that you’ll find out later.” Caustic Phoenix: “more details to come.”
• Dread had planned Divine Intervention for drama, on himself or on Baron.
• Favorite moment for Caustic Phoenix and Mudcat: Baron’s “not because you told me to” exchange. Caustic Phoenix expected a Terminator-style moment from the shark clone; Mudcat compared it to an after-credits Pirates of the Caribbean scene.
• Dread: “two will enter, one will leave… no, two entered and two left.” Caustic Phoenix: “it’s very cool that that match isn’t over.” “And it isn’t.”
• Pesh: Baron chose clone “out of spite… Won’t let him know he saved my life.”
• Dread may homebrew a “Domain of Parenthood” cleric subclass.
• Caustic Phoenix on the candy roleplay: “is it role play if it’s inspired by real events… I did not buy that much chocolate, I bought two bags.”
• Final words:
  • Dread: “Be good. Have fun. And, you know, be home by curfew… You can break curfew if you want. I’m not your dad.” (Caustic Phoenix: “Are you trying to be a cool dad now?”)
  • Pesh: “everyone just be good to each other… Han shot first.”